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Thursday, November 14, 2013

What if …. (still dealing with my complicated way to find Mr Right)

... my Master and I had never met? I know this is a rather hypothetical question but it is one which has always bothered me. Before we met I had already been together with one and a half other partners and we never managed to create real and lasting relationships. It never felt right for me. Now, I am happy about that, because with Master I have found the one and only man I really want. At that time I did not know what went wrong at all. It just did not work. Imagine, you have one of these fits, where you are just waiting for someone to talk to you so that you can explode. There are different ways of exploding, btw., e.g. irony, or, even worse, sarcasm, where you attempt to hurt the other one, intentionally. In my case, I also started being unfair and blamed my partner for whatever comes to mind. The reaction of an inexperienced boyfriend like the one I had then, could differ, but he tried to talk things through (which is great) but he did it the wrong way, by accepting inacceptable behaviour from my side. -> If you behave like a brat, you should be treated as such. That’s something that I learned much later only. Well, my then-boyfriend was not strong enough, he did not want to be strict, set rules or tell me when to stop. Sounds great for some, is a huge problem for one like me, because I tend to use the liberty given and use it in destructive ways occassionally. To make it short: he was not able to control me and I had no reason to control my behaviour because I never had to fear any consequences. I am sorry to say that, but I think that my first partner was simply too nice for me and not strong willed enough to stop me from being a brat. To my excuse I want to add that I was young (16 and a few months of 17) and I did not mean to do any harm. Of course I did not behave badly all the time, but it was enough to make us unhappy. The second partner was just like that, he was quicker in stopping the affair, though. I still had no clue why it did not work for us, even though I was told that I behaved bitchy and complicated.
This only describes my bratty side, which I hate and feel extremely bad about. But there is a second side that none of them could satisfy at all, because they were not right for me: they were not dominant and I was (am) submissive (which was not at all clear to me then). That they did not satisfy my submissive needs was the main reason why I was such a brat with them. But how could you possibly tackle a problem, if you do not even know what it was, or that it existed. In bed, in dealing with me, in helping me, they were never able to satisfy me emotionally. They were not even close to triggering emotions in me I did not know I had then. For me it is satisfying to be told what to do, this includes the bedroom. I am not talking about being a robot without personality or without my own will, it is just the way a man has to deal with me, talk to me, structure me, which makes the difference between feeling right or wrong, or rather emotionally involved or detached.
Later on, I met my husband and Master-to-be and he was all different from the beginning. He was extremely attractive, he set the mood for whenever we met, he took me out and behaved like a gentleman, but if I ever had any moments of beginning to brat, he stopped me. He even threw me out of the car once, to let me cool down when he thought I had behaved inappropriately without reason. Not nice, it rained! But none of these moments created a crisis like I had experienced before. Instead, he caused completely different feelings, and apart from love, two of the most important ones were trust and safety. I am not talking about punishments which include corporal punishments yet. Such physical correction was only part of our bedroom play at first, which felt fantastic.
Before I completely forget about what I want to say: What I realised after Master and I had started a serious relationship was, that I never had a chance with my former one and a half partners, because they were not dominant and I needed a partner who was exactly the opposite of them.
And with Master the good years have started, including problems, which we solved, including a lot of structure which has proven to set me free and allow me to live rather carefree.
So, if I had never met Master, I guess life would have been rather sad for me. Maybe I would have chosen to focus on a job career, to avoid thinking about a life in ruins, or I would still be in and out of relationships with men who were not good for me. Maybe I would have found someone similar to my Master, because this kind of man has always been more interesting for me than others. Whenever I think about this, I am so happy that it has come differently for us and that I have my husband and Master, my Mr Right.

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