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Thursday, November 28, 2013

The punishment of speedster girl - thoughts after the glow

After I had seen the penalty notice for driving too fast, the rest of the day was more or less ruined for me. This was not the first time that I got a penalty notice, not even the third. This year it is my fourth for being speedster girl. I am not intentionally driving faster than permitted, but it just happens…. to me. Hubby is better at that, he never drives too fast, or parks in a no-parking zone. No, I am the expert on doing these things wrong. Still, I actually have improved massively when it comes to penalty notices. They are faaaar less and the fines are lower too, because I try hard to do it right and I can actually see that it works better than ever. The reasons for that are mainly two, we talk things through, so that I always know what is acceptable and what is not, and I receive what I deserve for not sticking to these rather simple rules. And driving too fast is not allowed ?!
Having said that, I can only say that I knew what would happen and I would have preferred to receive my punishment rather earlier than later. This is not the kind of anticipation that I like. Waiting for a punishment, thinking, self-reproach and always with the image of Master in mind, who was annoyed, because this driving too fast has happened again. He was a bit annoyed and when he is, he postpones any kind of discipline decision, any punishment, because he does not want anger of any kind to influence his decisions. Good for me, physically speaking, but bad for me, emotionally speaking. I hate this waiting for punishment and the more time passes, the more I think about what I have done. This time, it was a rather cheap affair, but it doesn’t change much. I hate that I have annoyed Master with my thoughtlessness and that alone is something which lets me feel low.
Nevertheless, if things like these happen, which I obviously have a great talent to cause, we are glad that we have a procedure that enables us to get over the problem quickly. In addition, this procedure is an excellent way to improve my behaviour, because Master makes sure to drive his message home and I come out chastised, with a better and corrected attitude and in the long run, far happier, because everything about the affair is over and we don’t have to waste time on endless, fruitless discussions. 

For me, punishments also have the effect that they allow me to let go all frustration that I might have built up, and I always have built up some at such times. Waiting for a whole day for your punishment is another reason why I build up frustration. I guess it is part of my learning process, to think about what has happened over and over again. When the punishment finally comes, I am not keen on it, but I am more than willing to accept it because I feel that I deserved it then and in the end I always have this feeling of relief afterwards. Oh, and I drive slower afterwards too, again!
Late Wednesday evening, Master finally called me and I got my punishment. I got the cane for my infraction and though it hurt like hell, I know it could have been worse. Master can already vary how hard the cane strikes, with how I have to stand or bend. This time I could bend forward with my arms on the bed. If Master had me stand and bend down, hands on ankles, it would have been worse, because in this position, it is more painful for me. Master lectured me about safe driving and he also combined that with how much my driving habits have already improved, which I found rather nice of him to mention, but in that moment my crying intensified and I could let go, because of his nice words in such a moment. Since the caning was over, I got hugged and Master held me in his arms and calmed me down for a few minutes. But I would not get around cornertime, where I should think about ways to be better in sticking to speed limits. Master also wanted me to consider how devastated he would be, if I got injured because of such thoughtlessness. He loves me deeply, I know, but if he says something like that it always is a blow. If not because I want to be safe in the car, then I could at least do it for him. I’ll be better, promise.

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