A bad letter post

This is a whining post.

Maybe you know this situation, all is well for ages between your loved one and you, kind of close to perfection...

… and then the real blunder hits you hard.

… maybe more like this

This is what the last week was like for me. It turned out that I have really messed up on Thursday. Up to then, all was fine, better than fine. We had a wonderful Easter weekend, family, friends, lots of little ones, it was fantastic, such a fun time! Hubby and I had some real ‘us’ time too. He told me how much he loves me, enjoys me, there was more, and hearing that from him is important for me. And even though he was pretty busy, it was not like we were growing apart, instead we were so close and well connected that this was definitely one of those weeks you will always think back to and smile.

I thought I was really well organized all in all too, throughout the week and was really proud of that. I think we have adapted rather well to being parents, and things were so good, spanking is back where we want it too, so, a few little things can happen, I’d get discipline and we’d be happy again.

Well, that was until Thursday, when hubby got a letter.

Weeks ago I was meant to bring some letters to the post office, all business related. No problem. Hubby asked twice whether I had brought the letters there. Yes sure I had. … All but one. I found the missing one last night, only after searching frantically for it, because on Thursday one of hubby’s clients had informed him that he had decided for someone else after hubby had not written back … !

An April day turned into a nightmare. I feel horrible for what has happened.

This is worse than those silly pictures with the “You had one job” – comment written on it. And it is not funny at all this time, because it cost money, and by far the worst is that it damages hubby’s reputation. He was so disappointed and angry when he found out that he would not even touch me, and definitely not punish me (seriously, I wished he would have). If I had done something of the usual kind which I used to be infamous for, like speeding, or even bumping into a fence or the stupid lamp post, he would have shrugged it off. I’d have paid dearly with a very sore bottom and been good for a very long time afterwards and he’d forgive and I’d feel loved. But this one is so much worse. He loves what he does, he works hard, has seen so much success and then I come and trample on some of it. I cannot even express how bad I feel about this and how sorry I am. And I still have no idea how I have been able to put this letter between other papers. Hubby is willing to tolerate a lot and even more so because I do not do any of this intentionally! He knows that and has been proud of me in the past too, because clumsy and stupid or not, all in all we have reached such a good place for us.

Later, on Thursday night we could talk, like really talk. I mean he is not the one to be loud, but he really needed time to get through this on his own before allowing me near him again. You know what is so much worse than a severe punishment? No punishment. I had asked through his office door if he would do that, but he just told me to give him alone time. He was so disappointed. Maybe this is not a real surprise, but I was a mess, sad and upset after being completely shut out by hubby and becoming desperate by the minute. This was one of the worst days of my life. I stuck to my baby, but once she was asleep, there was nothing but trying to keep myself busy, somehow. We had dinner, he would not ignore me, but he still did not really want to talk either and disappeared into his office again. Hubby vexed, I devastated and knowing there was nobody to blame but me.

So I phoned my Amy and she would have come immediately, but just having her to speak to was wonderful. She knows everything about us and she always gets all information first hand, but problems between lovers are to be solved between lovers, so she knew this was no fun call if I called her right in the middle of the crisis. Of course she was worried because I was so desperate, but we ended up by discussing why I did not want her here tonight and why I should give hubby time. This was actually much better than me only whining. Besides, the last I wanted was to really complicate matters in any way after I had already caused damage. I am blessed because I have two who would go to any length to help. Bad was that one of the two was totally miffed and had every right to be. 

The evening went on, endlessly, I kept myself busy on the computer, always with one ear listening for hubby. Listening for a verdict. When hubby finally came out of his office I almost threw the laptop onto the floor, because I had imagined all sorts of things that could happen, all silly, all only good enough to make me a wreck, and I jumped up when I heard the door. 

I stood in the living room, waiting, he came over, took my hand and led me into the bedroom without as much as a word. I hoped for a punishment then, just to get rid of some of the guilt, but no. You know that this is serious when your husband looks like it. I was crying ever since he had taken my hand, before he had even said a word, I was way beyond thinking. Hubby took me and held me until I calmed down. And he said ‘Sorry’?! I did not understand this and was more than afraid of what would follow. I got really panicky then, but he wouldn’t let me go, I was clamped tightly in his arms. He said sorry because he had made my day so awful by shutting me out. Ok, dam’s broken, let it flow. I don’t know how long until I was able to think again, I apologized several times, because I had done something that bad to him. I did not want to cause such a trouble and I love him endlessly, so disappointing him is so horrible in itself. I am crying just from thinking back to seeing him this disappointed, it hurts so much because I have hurt hubby out of all people. 

It was long after midnight, so he would not punish me this night. A severe punishment would happen, because this was serious for him too, but after keeping me away from him throughout the day he also knew that I had been sort of badly punished. He had heard me sob and knew that I was shattered, and he knew that I had called Amy, which he was glad about, because he was not able to talk then. We talked for some time, then tried to sleep, and after I heard hubby sleeping, I got up again, because I was still too shaken. Basically I had been absolved and all my silly thoughts were just my scared self, but this was too horrible to sleep, so I stayed up most of the night. I had sleeping troubles throughout the week, so one night less did not make much of a difference and I had had it far worse last year.

Friday evening was the night of the nights. The day had been easy. We did not go to our baby class, because my eyes were too puffy from crying and there was no way short of magic to cover that up. Instead Tilda and I played and read and played. Hubby came at lunch time and from his side all was sort of settled. He showed his love, cared, did even make it clear that his reaction was too harsh, which I kind of agree and disagree with at the same time. I have caused this and his business is important to him and I see that I have hurt him.

The punishment did happen, it was as severe as told and nevertheless, it was the best because afterwards I had reached a sort of peace where hubby had already been after apologizing the night before. Today is Sunday. A good day, hubby is attentive, because he knows that everything around this letter has worn me down more than many other things. I know he loves me, not because of him saying it, but because of him showing it. I know he cares, he shows that too. I am so deeply in love with him that I cannot cope with situations like the one we had on Thursday. And now I am so afraid of another letter-situation happening again. 

Sorry :(