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Sunday, April 12, 2015

A bad letter post



This is a whining post.

Maybe you know this situation, all is well for ages between your loved one and you, kind of close to perfection...





… and then the real blunder hits you hard.




… maybe more like this





This is what the last week was like for me. It turned out that I have really messed up on Thursday. Up to then, all was fine, better than fine. We had a wonderful Easter weekend, family, friends, lots of little ones, it was fantastic, such a fun time! Hubby and I had some real ‘us’ time too. He told me how much he loves me, enjoys me, there was more, and hearing that from him is important for me. And even though he was pretty busy, it was not like we were growing apart, instead we were so close and well connected that this was definitely one of those weeks you will always think back to and smile.
I thought I was really well organized all in all too, throughout the week and was really proud of that. I think we have adapted rather well to being parents, and things were so good, spanking is back where we want it too, so, a few little things can happen, I’d get discipline and we’d be happy again.

Well, that was until Thursday, when hubby got a letter.




Weeks ago I was meant to bring some letters to the post office, all business related. No problem. Hubby asked twice whether I had brought the letters there. Yes sure I had. … All but one. I found the missing one last night, only after searching frantically for it, because on Thursday one of hubby’s clients had informed him that he had decided for someone else after hubby had not written back … !

An April day turned into a nightmare. I feel horrible for what has happened.








This is worse than those silly pictures with the “You had one job” – comment written on it. And it is not funny at all this time, because it cost money, and by far the worst is that it damages hubby’s reputation. He was so disappointed and angry when he found out that he would not even touch me, and definitely not punish me (seriously, I wished he would have). If I had done something of the usual kind which I used to be infamous for, like speeding, or even bumping into a fence or the stupid lamp post, he would have shrugged it off. I’d have paid dearly with a very sore bottom and been good for a very long time afterwards and he’d forgive and I’d feel loved. But this one is so much worse. He loves what he does, he works hard, has seen so much success and then I come and trample on some of it. I cannot even express how bad I feel about this and how sorry I am. And I still have no idea how I have been able to put this letter between other papers. Hubby is willing to tolerate a lot and even more so because I do not do any of this intentionally! He knows that and has been proud of me in the past too, because clumsy and stupid or not, all in all we have reached such a good place for us.


Later, on Thursday night we could talk, like really talk. I mean he is not the one to be loud, but he really needed time to get through this on his own before allowing me near him again. You know what is so much worse than a severe punishment? No punishment. I had asked through his office door if he would do that, but he just told me to give him alone time. He was so disappointed. Maybe this is not a real surprise, but I was a mess, sad and upset after being completely shut out by hubby and becoming desperate by the minute. This was one of the worst days of my life. I stuck to my baby, but once she was asleep, there was nothing but trying to keep myself busy, somehow. We had dinner, he would not ignore me, but he still did not really want to talk either and disappeared into his office again. Hubby vexed, I devastated and knowing there was nobody to blame but me.



So I phoned my Amy and she would have come immediately, but just having her to speak to was wonderful. She knows everything about us and she always gets all information first hand, but problems between lovers are to be solved between lovers, so she knew this was no fun call if I called her right in the middle of the crisis. Of course she was worried because I was so desperate, but we ended up by discussing why I did not want her here tonight and why I should give hubby time. This was actually much better than me only whining. Besides, the last I wanted was to really complicate matters in any way after I had already caused damage. I am blessed because I have two who would go to any length to help. Bad was that one of the two was totally miffed and had every right to be. 



The evening went on, endlessly, I kept myself busy on the computer, always with one ear listening for hubby. Listening for a verdict. When hubby finally came out of his office I almost threw the laptop onto the floor, because I had imagined all sorts of things that could happen, all silly, all only good enough to make me a wreck, and I jumped up when I heard the door. 



I stood in the living room, waiting, he came over, took my hand and led me into the bedroom without as much as a word. I hoped for a punishment then, just to get rid of some of the guilt, but no. You know that this is serious when your husband looks like it. I was crying ever since he had taken my hand, before he had even said a word, I was way beyond thinking. Hubby took me and held me until I calmed down. And he said ‘Sorry’?! I did not understand this and was more than afraid of what would follow. I got really panicky then, but he wouldn’t let me go, I was clamped tightly in his arms. He said sorry because he had made my day so awful by shutting me out. Ok, dam’s broken, let it flow. I don’t know how long until I was able to think again, I apologized several times, because I had done something that bad to him. I did not want to cause such a trouble and I love him endlessly, so disappointing him is so horrible in itself. I am crying just from thinking back to seeing him this disappointed, it hurts so much because I have hurt hubby out of all people. 



It was long after midnight, so he would not punish me this night. A severe punishment would happen, because this was serious for him too, but after keeping me away from him throughout the day he also knew that I had been sort of badly punished. He had heard me sob and knew that I was shattered, and he knew that I had called Amy, which he was glad about, because he was not able to talk then. We talked for some time, then tried to sleep, and after I heard hubby sleeping, I got up again, because I was still too shaken. Basically I had been absolved and all my silly thoughts were just my scared self, but this was too horrible to sleep, so I stayed up most of the night. I had sleeping troubles throughout the week, so one night less did not make much of a difference and I had had it far worse last year.
Friday evening was the night of the nights. The day had been easy. We did not go to our baby class, because my eyes were too puffy from crying and there was no way short of magic to cover that up. Instead Tilda and I played and read and played. Hubby came at lunch time and from his side all was sort of settled. He showed his love, cared, did even make it clear that his reaction was too harsh, which I kind of agree and disagree with at the same time. I have caused this and his business is important to him and I see that I have hurt him.
The punishment did happen, it was as severe as told and nevertheless, it was the best because afterwards I had reached a sort of peace where hubby had already been after apologizing the night before. Today is Sunday. A good day, hubby is attentive, because he knows that everything around this letter has worn me down more than many other things. I know he loves me, not because of him saying it, but because of him showing it. I know he cares, he shows that too. I am so deeply in love with him that I cannot cope with situations like the one we had on Thursday. And now I am so afraid of another letter-situation happening again. 




Sorry :(

23 comments :

  1. Replies
    1. Welcome and thank you anonymous :)

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  2. Hey Nina...yes dear...you are human and screwed up...you and hubby dealt with it and now it is behind you. You may very well screw up again but I doubt very seriously if it will be another 'lost' letter...you will be more careful. One of the many benefits of TTWD is to clean the slate...your slate is clean...Now.. enjoy your hubby,your precious Tilda along with your friends and family. Life goes on sweetie...don't hold on to the bad by worrying...stay positive. Sending lots of positive energy your way as well as hugs, kisses and tummy tickles to Tilda from Auntie Cat! ;)

    Hugs and blessings...
    Cat

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    Replies
    1. Hi Cat, you are so right, I know that, but this one hit me much harder than most because it was about something that matters a lot to hubby, and his reaction made this an even bigger problem for me. But it is true, the slate is clean, hubby has said that too, though I am still working this out for myself (wish it had 'only' been speeding!) and I am getting over it bit by bit. Thank you for the positive energy and today Tilda got loads of hugs, kisses and tummy tickles from you and all her aunties. That’s wonderful, we love that, thank you!

      hugs

      Nina

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  3. Oh HUGE HUGS to you Nina!!!! <3 Sometimes things happen as we are human. We simply cannot get it right every single time. The good news is that with your dynamic, you both did the best that you could in coming to terms with the issue, as well as the most loving thing that you have agreed upon. You can now move forward from there, knowing that your relationship and love is strong, and that you are forgiven. I am sure that your hubby knows how much you love him, and that it all was not on purpose. It was all dealt with, and as Cat mentioned- clean slate. Rob would say, "Move on America" (that is here in the States ;) ).

    Seek out that loving man of yours and sit on his lap, perhaps with Tilda in yours. Together you both move forward. Sending love and hugs to you both, and of course an Auntie Katie squeeze for sweet Tilda!

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Katie, you are so right, hubby has dealt with what I did and for him it is like ‘Move on America’ too. He has long forgiven me, because it was a mistake, a really bad one though. But I have troubles forgiving myself this time, because it hit hubby. It would have been easier if it were not directly connected to hubby. That makes everything such a big problem for me. The slate is clean, according to how much I still feel my bum, it is very clean, and this is what helps me most. Every time I feel it, I am better, like a constant reminder. :)

      Tilda and I did that, family time with us sitting on hubby’s lap. We all loved it and I still needed the reassurance from hubby that all is really ok. Just to make sure. Tilda got your squeeze and an extra kiss and cuddle, :) she enjoys them just as much as I do. :) Thank you!

      hugs <3

      Nina

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  4. ((Hugs)) Nina, I'm sorry this happened. We all make mistakes from time to time. As the others have said. The beauty of Ttwd is that you and your husband were able to deal with the issue and put it behind you. Your husband has forgiven you and I hope you can now forgive yourself.

    Sending positive thoughts and hugs and cuddles to Tilda.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Hi Roz, this time it has really taken long for me to get over it. Not for hubby, he said it is forgiven and that’s it. And I know that, but this one has really brought me down, even after Friday night, when I got my punishment. I have taken hubby's reaction really badly. It is getting better though, bit by bit I can leave this behind because hubby said that it is forgiven. Thank you for the positive thoughts which I am so grateful for. I have given Tilda hugs and cuddles and also an extra kiss from you, and today she received several extra. :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  5. Oh Nina, darling girl it was a mistake, just a mistake and these things happen. Obviously hubby would be cross at first but my guess is he recovered far quicker than you. Please try and forget about it now, he has forgiven you and you paid for the mistake both emotionally and physically. It is all behind you now, you didn't do it on purpose and hubby knows that. I hope that things return to the happiness you were in prior to this soon. Much love,
    and cuddles to Tilda
    Jan,xx

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jan, you are so right, hubby recovered quicker than I did, and I am still not completely over this, because he had shut me out completely that day, not a single touch, no hugs, no sign of affection. That was really awful and still gives me the shivers. The Friday punishment made it a lot better for me, but being this isolated from hubby the day before was horrible.

      Usually, when hubby is on a business trip I know that he loves me and this gives me a lot of confidence. Even when he is not there, we are still connected and there is no doubt or anything. Thursday really hurt. Hubby has forgiven me and this stupid letter day is past, all I have to do is to leave all of this behind. I am working on it, but this time it has really hit me hard. His hugs and cuddles always help best. :) And I have given lots of extra cuddles to Tilda today, with a kiss from you. She loves that and got more cuddles and kisses when we whirled around … and also when my arms became too tired. :)

      hugs and love

      Nina

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  6. We've all been there at one time or another.

    Hugs,
    m

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    Replies
    1. Hi mouse, yes I think so too. Sometimes it just feels worse.

      hugs

      Nina

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  7. Mistakes happen, forgive yourself as your husband has forgiven you.

    Perhaps, he might call the person and apologize, explaining the situation, and asking them to give him another chance somewhere down the line. Maybe the person he ended up choosing will not meet his expectations and hubby could get the job after all. Miracles happen all the time.

    Hugs to you.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Sunny, you are right hubby has forgiven me and I just need more time than I would have thought. I hope that hubby will be able to win the client back, that would be awesome. They have talked and it might be a long time until hubby hears from him again, if ever. But I definitely hope for the best.

      hugs

      Nina

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  8. Well as you can guess many of us TTWD or not have been there. It certainly doesn't make it any easier knowing that when you are the one who screws up though does it. One of my favourite quotes is

    " A Happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers"
    ~Ruth Bell Graham.

    Sadly it generally takes the one who needs to be forgiven longer to forgive themselves. Sorry you went through that Nina. It is a horrible experience, I know.

    love
    willie

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    Replies
    1. sorry, I pushed the wrong button yesterday, the reply is there, just not connected to your comment. :)

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  9. Hi Willie, this is a wonderful quote and I can only agree with that. I got a lot more reassurance than ever from hubby, and it still has taken me a veeeerrrryyy long time to get half way over this. And there is a real difference between hubby being angry and him being really angry. This one really hit me hard, my stupid mistake, him being mad, and then shutting me out like that was simply too much. Without Friday night’s punishment I would still be a complete mess I think, because this has taken a lot of the bad conscience and guilt away. Hubby has forgiven, I think I almost have, the frustration is still there, though. Horrible experience? Oh yes, you are so right, this was a real nightmare. Thank you Willie.

    love (and the inevitable hug)

    Nina

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  10. I'm so sorry..I'm so behind on blogs!
    NiNa,
    I'm so sorry this happened to you, but you know it was wasn't intentional. The great thing about TTWD/DD is the clean slate and absolution of guilt. He's forgiven you, and you need to forgive yourself. I'm so sorry this was so awful for you, I know being shut out is a horrible feeling, but the guilt is so much worse. I've been there a time or two. Hugs! I'm sure you both have reconnected a little by now, and I'm hoping you're feeling much better!

    Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jennelle, you are so right, from hubby’s side this is long over and dealt with. By now, after a few busy days I can believe that too. Last night I asked for an additional spanking (not punishment, only relief), because this guilt came up again, after I had started talking about the letter in a stupid moment. Well, I do need time to process this situation, much more than I understand, but once the spanking was over, I felt really wonderful and this morning I see it as some stupid mistake which is past. I won’t forget this and just hope never to be in such a bad situation again but we have reconnected in the best way and we are as close as can be. Don’t apologize for being late! I have read your last entry in March and forgot to put the comment there. I am sorry for that, on my way. :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  11. Mistakes happen in any relationship. Forgiveness is necessary whether you have TTWD or not, and being on the receiving end of a spanking is sometimes the best way to move forward, even if you don't have a punishment aspect to your dynamic, clearing the air helps.
    hugs
    DF

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    Replies
    1. Hi DF, you are right with all you say here. This has been rough for me, because it hurt hubby, and being shut out did not make it easier. But being forgiven is definitely so important and I could get rid of a lot of what bothered me because I was at the receiving end. It did take longer than I had thought, though.

      hugs

      Nina

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  12. Ah....you are in good...or bad...company. We have all been there..When we start to think more logically we realize, it really is for the best that they do wait until they are more calm to punish....good for your hubby for realizing that shutting you out was worse than any other punishment and apologizing...
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. Hi abby, I can only agree, he doesn't punish me when he is angry, which I usually think as the better way too. But this time? I absolutely would have preferred a punishment immediately instead of the shut out, because that was so bad. It is one week later now and I still get the creeps from thinking back to it. I am glad that he stopped it and that he saw it was such a bad punishment for me.

      hugs

      Nina

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