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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Rock bottom

Sorry to have this in my blog again, instead of less troublesome entries. For us, it seems that all the bad news come in winter and over the last days, slowly spiralling downwards, I have hit rock bottom. 

One of the best friends of our family is seriously ill. She is only a few years older than my parents and would retire in about a year. She has everything it takes to have a happy day. She is lively, caring, amiable, affectionate, a whirlwind, more willing to play with kids and go with them to the playground, instead of being with the boring adults, if anything, where she is, there is life and fun. She is there to be loved.

I grew up with her and she is like a loving grandma for me. … And she can keep secrets. Good for me, because I trust her but this time it has been bad for us, because she also kept a secret from us. She knew around Christmas that there is something terribly wrong with her and never told anybody. Now, only because there was no way around any longer, she told me that she has to undergo the full anti cancer stuff, chemotherapy included. It's the intestines.

She is so strong, it seems that chances are somewhere between maybe-maybe not and she shrugs it off and won’t tell me more about that. I know that she has always made the best out of her life, and now she is so composed, not for me, but just because. That this happened to her is so not fair. Yeah, I know, life is not fair. Doesn’t make me feel better to know. :(

And I feel so helpless again, I cannot do more than hug her and be with her, but instead of helping her, I think it is the other way round. I am so devastated now, and instead of building her up, I think she does that for me. She is not alone, friends and family are there, and more than anything I wish for her to get through this. It is such an unexpected and terrible blow that shakes me to the core. 

Sorry that I ramble on here like this, even after having talked to her repeatedly over the past days, the gravity of the news trickled only very slowly from her side and if there had been a way, she would have liked to spare us a little longer (at least till Monday). I am sure you know that kind of person too. It was meant to give us a few more nice days, so, very selfless, but it also makes me angry, because everybody would have loved to be there for her earlier. Of course, I am not angry about her really, it is just the situation I cannot cope with and I am so worried now that we might lose her. Currently and over the last days I have been looking at all the moments when I should have told her more often that I love her, give her the extra kiss and hug, should have been around her more often, because I am so afraid of what might happen to her now. She is strong where I am not, and she won't have any of this. She just says 'That's life' and goes on playing with Tilda.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Exciting everyday life, spanking, a cold and a friend -edition

This week has been completely crazy. Some because of appointments, most at the doctor’s, and yes, I am / have been / will be forever (you choose) hormonal, full of ups and downs. I am afraid hubby had to deal with some of the downs too. And we did it again, spanking, I mean. I asked for it, literally, not in a metaphorical way. 
Since I asked hubby, there was much more talking, and this time it did not leave me with any negativity at all. On the contrary, I have felt elated from it, we have come so much closer and are in tune. I went into the situation slightly tense because I was not sure if I’d have another negative moment, and this could have happened - but did not.
Hubby allowed me to adjust by building up the force of the spanking gradually and I got a complete release. My tummy tickled wonderfully from the inside, it felt so good there and in another spot. Not my bum, that was sore, but I loved that it was pretty warm there. 

It was not made for pleasure, but it felt this way for me, because I could embrace this spanking so much. The spanking was only for half an hour, which is not a lot when you start really slowly and add more over time, change to different implements, anyways,  it was awesome … and afterwards I was as tired and sleepy as if I had been awake for 24 hours.

Since Tuesday our little one had drunk less milk, but nevertheless she wanted to latch on and needed a lot of snuggling and cuddling. Then, from Thursday till now, Tilda started sleeping much more fitfully. At first I didn't know why, … I am a first-timer at this, but we learned from the doctor that she has caught a light cold, and today she is considerably more agreeable than yesterday again. 

We went to her baby class nevertheless, because this is quality time for both of us. And even though we knew that there was nothing too serious going on with her, neither hubby nor I did really sleep much Monday night, simply because we worried. … Well, hubby slept much more and better since Tuesday, once the doctor had told us it was ‘only’ a light cold and she’d be fine again in no time. 

I, on the other hand, will try to catch up on sleep tonight. I mean, e v e r y sound Tilda made worked like an alarm for me. I was alarmed when she did not make any noise and I was alarmed when she made the stranger sort of sounds which she made plenty of with her nose. 

 When you have used this, or a similar device, you are awesome !

Apart from that, there was one single phone call which I had not expected at all. A friend of mine from pre-hubby times called. Hubby knows her by now, although he has always been slightly wary and critical about her, because she played a role in my not so awesome time of life. But since she was not directly involved in anything negative, he allows this contact. 

Oh my, I make this sound like a big secret, but there is nothing bad at all (apart from hubby’s wariness). She is awesome and helped me, and we had a rather intense though short time. I admire her a lot for different traits and for who she is, and since I have not published anything connected to my ‘I quit’-entries for ages, I am tempted to write about her. We’ll see.

... The entry that I originally wanted to publish (about sex) is still there, but I did not push the button, and now it has been replaced by this entry. I’ll try to publish the sexy one soon. :)

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Resentment late night rambling

Somehow I end up blogging late at night lately. First I nurse, then I type, then I sleep. :D The lines I wrote are a little 'raw' because I am trying to process what went on today and am still in the thick of it.

And if you came here for a good laugh, scroll to the bottom! :)

Forget it
It has been very long ago that we had resentment as a serious topic here between hubby and me, but today it became one. I had several things which I simply forgot about during the week. There were some dirty blankets I had promised to wash, there was some tidying I had promised to finish and I wanted to put the last Christmas things away. I did not do any of it. Forgotten. I simply overlooked these things. So, according to my own expectations I blundered. Hubby had given me lots of time for each of the tasks, because he can see that I am struggling now and then. Life with our baby has become much easier for me (and hubby). But I still have trouble doing everything the way it should be. 
We talk about what has to be done, either the next day or during the week. I write it down and wherever I go, I have my pencil and my post its. Without them I would have forgotten my name by now, or at least preparing lunch or dinner.  Forgetting things sucks immensely and leads to problems, I can tell.

So, I had last week (and some more) to finish those silly tasks and didn’t. Friday evening hubby reminded me that I’d have to finish them Saturday, before dinner. Ok, no problem. And suddenly it was dark outside, dinner had been served and hubby (who had conveniently reminded me during the day, to finish everything) asked whether all was done. Nope, of course not. Add to this that I had a day when I wasn’t always sure whether I’d rather cry or laugh. Complete disaster, that’s what everything felt like.

Hubby knew that I was pretty sensitive today, and to be fair I should add that he included this in the punishment that I got. This was not meant to be a fun event and it definitely wasn’t. Therefore, as I sit and write I feel the after effects well enough and will do so tomorrow as well. Sitting is overrated anyways.

I was paddled. Now, with several hours past, I do think that hubby was very lenient with it. Maybe too lenient, but I am not going to ask for more! Instead of paddling hard from the beginning, the first strokes were not as intense as later ones and it did not last very long. The lecture was short, too, but I was a mess, not before, but during and afterwards.

When I am punished, I usually go through different stages (like everybody), sometimes they last longer and sometimes they are barely noticeable. I am tense at first, thinking about what’s to come, focused on the growing pain of my bottom, this goes on, but sooner or later anything that worried me, any anger and frustration come out, I can virtually see these things lose importance for me. It is like putting these annoying things somewhere further back in your mind, or simply discarding them as unimportant information. This is one of the major reasons why spankings in general are so important for me.

 So, I accepted my punishment and it was harder than I wanted it, I thought then. I don’t fight like some might do, I want to be spanked, and I need this to give me a release I get better this way than any other. For me this absolutely includes punishments because I see the good they do each and every time. 
But sometimes, a punishment is different from what we expect. I was sorry and would try hard to avoid these silly mistakes, yes. But towards the end of the spanking I felt resentment towards hubby. I rarely had that in the past, and just as before, it disappeared, though this time it left me utterly confused. I had no real outlet from this, because hubby stopped spanking me. In a few other punishments, resentment happened during the punishment and was literally spanked away. Maybe what left me confused was that hubby had stopped before I got rid of this. I have no idea.

As a result, I was almost torn apart for a few minutes, because this had created such conflicting emotions in me; resentment and love were there for the same man at the same time. Try to solve that. I couldn't. 

In addition,  I was too sensitive at my bum and even light spanks felt like a massive attack on my bottom. So, I did not ask for what might have helped, some more.  

Hubby had seen the way I looked at him and afterwards he told me that this was the only reason why he gave me corner time. It wasn’t even long, maybe 10 (?) minutes, alone time, facing the wall, alone in the bedroom. It did not take that long to get rid of this fit of negativity. Being naked, in the corner, hands up, was what finally brought back my peace of mind. 

And when hubby took me out of the corner, it was directly onto the bed. Talking. He had been with me all the time, not in the same room, but he had seen what was going on and I received aftercare, as if we had had an intense sm scene. In a way it felt like one, I was dead tired afterwards, we snuggled and cuddled and I almost fell asleep, relaxed to the core, feeling much better, liberated. … Until Tilda called for her milk. :) She's the real boss in our house as everybody knows. :)

After this first attempt of sleeping, I am invigorated, the confusion I felt has lessened considerably, though I still do not understand all that has happened (writing it down helps!). I feel stronger inside and more up to any task than before. But I did not like experiencing such a moment of negativity directed at hubby. That was awful and hit me hard. :(

My original plan was to blog about sex again, but this will have to wait till Monday, I guess. By then I might have understood better what has happened.

I couldn't resist this one

Anyways, sorry for my prolonged rambling,
I hope you all have the best of Sundays, with everything good you could wish for. 

… And hugs, lots of hugs and cuddles. They always help !

Saturday, January 10, 2015

After midnight rambling

The holidays are over, the excitement of Christmas and New Year’s eve have passed and everybody returns to their daily routine. That’s what it is like here and that’s one of the reasons why I have not blogged. In addition, the last days were packed with all sorts of appointments, duties, chores. You know what I mean, as it is probably the same everywhere. 
But there have been additional news that made our whole week awesome. A friend of ours had had surgery and it was successful (I wrote about her in December). She will make it, the doctors could remove the cancer and sounded completely positive about her healing. This makes the beginning of 2015 absolutely fabulous. I have been smiling all through the week. She and everybody else was so relieved because she will be fine and she will still be able to become pregnant and have children too. :)
Oh, more rambling. Thursday my mom called unexpectedly and one of her friends and she popped in to kidnap Mathilda for around an hour. Well, almost. They had asked if it were ok to take her with them for a short walk. :) It was ok; since I had made such a fuss about these things before, everybody seems to have understood that I am touchy when it comes to being away from Tilda. But I was fine with it! … After asking when exactly they’d be back, double checking both of their mobiles and asking about their exact route. They had serious trouble not to laugh themselves silly because I must have sounded like a customs officer. I did not ask to see their passports, though. … I had no idea that I have this in me at all. But at least I was fine once the basics were settled. “And don’t forget to be back at 3.30 pm. Don’t be late, please.” … It seems I am already practising for later, when Tilda wants to go to the disco.
 I do not worry about that yet, because I do know for sure that hubby will be there like a watchdog. ...  He will probably not allow her out at all when she is old enough to be interested in boys, until she’s 21 :D (doesn’t work, she’ll make her own experiences, no matter what; but why tell him?!). 

 At the moment the second storm in two days passes our house. It is noisy, as if Irish faeries are having a party. I think their party day is 5th January (St Ceara’s day), so maybe this is the aftermath? Well, hubby and Tilda don’t care at all, they are fast asleep while I cannot sleep because of the scary sounds. Tilda had a late night drink, and hubby did not bother at all. 
Imagine this, the storm shakes the house and I am afraid that the roof will be torn off any moment or a cow will fly by. Hubby is snoring safe and sound. “No reason to worry, dear.” But any other night, there might only be a cat sneaking through the garden, something I cannot even hear, and he’s up immediately. I wish I had this ability; not the one where you sleep lightly, only that part where you sleep through no matter what. It must be a gift. :) Well, anyways, here it is long after midnight and I’ll try to imagine that the noise is harmless. So, goodnight everybody.

And I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!

Friday, January 2, 2015

Clothes basket, repairs, peeing babies, a reminder and a happy end

What a strange day. After my Christmas pleasure spanking I am suddenly right back in the non-fun spanking experience; and so much faster than I had imagined. Hubby almost fell in the corridor this morning because I had forgotten about a clothes basket in the way (recurring topic here). He was not amused at all and I would give myself a spanking because I tried more to talk my way out of it than anything else. The plain truth was that I simply forgot this darn thing there. 

Later this morning, Tilda and I had a short stop in a nearby car service station. I did not know anybody there and only wanted them to exchange a light bulb in one of the front headlamps. They were not exactly unfriendly, but I know that I would be spanked for rolling my eyes this way. So, those guys felt pretty superior because they knew how to do that and I was the little dumb girl who didn’t. There are  moments when I can shrug such things off, but today this annoyed me. Too bad, I had no clever reply at hand, because they did not actually say a word and I wanted this light to be done quickly (and then, in the car, when you drive on, all the intelligent reactions come ... too late!). 

Nevertheless, it makes me angry. Not much, just a little, so that I think about reviving my list of prejudices from last year again. Don’t know yet. But I was so glad that my baby did not want milk right in that moment, because that would surely have caused more eye-rolling. Hmmm, coming to think of it, it would have been fun to provoke them a little. Missed a chance. Up to that moment the day was not the best, but we had a real fun time right ahead!
Afterwards we quickly went to our first real baby class, which is called PEKiP here, and is meant to be similar to ‘Baby and me’ activities. My mother-in-law says that she knows the term as an English one too, so, maybe this sounds familiar. It has been awesome and I got new ideas of what Tilda and I could do together at home. I mean, I do spend a lot of time actively with Tilda, but often enough she is just around, we talk and I do household, then. So, activities and attention for 90 minutes are a real lot of quality time. And if you like naked babies peeing on the soft yoga mats, this is the right place to be!
So, this turned our day to the best. ... And back home I almost fell over this darn clothes basket, because either I or hubby had moved it to another spot. You can guess who. Now, Friday late evening, we are all safe again, because I put the basket where it belongs. And hubby has returned home from work. Dinner was ready, I told him about our day before he could tell anything; intentionally … to distract him a little from the clothes basket affair. But since doing that is an offence in itself, I also told him that I intended to make him more lenient tonight, as I am not too eager to be punished. :) It is not manipulating if you state that you manipulate, is it!

For hubby this was funny, and he has been in a good mood, too. Still, he promised that I would not get away with this stupid clothes basket affair. But he really can be pettish just because I sent him almost flying, don’t you agree?! (ok, I really am sorry and was not trying to avoid this, just was a little afraid of it).  In  a way, the clothes basket was just the opportunity to get started again. Seems we are back in business. 

So, I went over his lap and it was not fun. Hubby mentioned that we would have a slow start with discipline, and he paid close attention to see how I would cope. It wasn't harsh or too much, rather like more severe maintenance with a few too stingy swats, and my tears came only when he said I should imagine what could happen if I tripped over something ... while carrying our baby. This hurt more than anything else.

 As I have learned tonight, the more lenient times are definitely coming to an end.We only had a short time to talk afterwards, but this alone gave me the feeling that we have come closer again, which makes me so much happier. There was no time to tell hubby yet, but I am actually very glad that I am held accountable again in this way.