Adult content warning!

Adult content warning!

This blog includes texts which are not suitable for minors. So, if you are under the age of 18 or if my entries might offend you, please leave immediately.


Shoo! Shoo!

Friday, August 29, 2014

Friday - plans for the weekend

For all who need to be cheered up a little

Hubby was pretty busy during the week, but this weekend he will have time

Maybe we'll go for a walk

Maybe something more romantic?!

I don't want to do much, but right now I feel I could do more than just hang around!

A little of this would be nice :)

Have a nice weekend !


I don't know if this really happened, but it made me laugh

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Lovely time of a glutton

Everybody who has read any of my entries this summer has probably heard about my magic hammock. Yes, the one that makes me sleep. Our lovely bed doesn’t do that half as well lately, so you can imagine when the weather allows, I am outside, in the hammock. …Sleeping. Many a time you know best what you really need when you don’t have it.

What I don’t need, are too many calories. I am a waddling pumpkin and my current weight is awe-inspiring, just like my bump. Hubby said that it has the round shape of the moon … and is as big. Yeah, thanks for that. He chose the right moment, because I had just arranged every cushion around and under my bump. So, I could barely move, otherwise I would have eaten him!

Talking about eating … I have not sinned more than the average preggo. But I feel each and every single pound that is on me. Nevertheless, compared to earlier times, my body image is definitely positive, though I cannot wait for some more exercise. I miss the activity so much.

Yesterday proved that additional exercise is absolutely necessary for me. Amy and I had a great girls’ day at a friend’s. It was wonderful, with many friends of ours. Tea, coffee (not for me), and what looked like more than a dozen different cakes were being served outside in our friend’s garden, and it was a busy affair, until everybody had her first piece of cake. Since I had to go to the bathroom again (!), I offered to bring some of the things from the kitchen on my way back. …

But once I had entered the kitchen, I was magically drawn to a cream cake. No, it was T H E cake! I only wanted to try it. I don’t do that usually, but I took a little spoon and tried it and it was awesome, just the right food to die for. So I tried again. And again. Yes, and again. I would have tried the cake again till the bitter (sweet) end. But Amy came in, looking for me, because I had been away much longer than expected. 

I looked at her, mouth still full and she burst out laughing. I still had a little bit of cake at my mouth. Mouth full, spoon in hand, filled with cake. Our hostess would surely have understood that this happened, … but it is plain embarrassing if you are caught red-handed next to a half-eaten cream cake. I stuffed in the last bit from the spoon and tried to gulp down everything quickly, which was a mistake, because I had to cough. 

When I was halfway done with that, we heard our hostess approaching. Amy quickly cleaned my mouth with her finger, the cake had still been there. I turned to the side, so that nobody would see I still had some cake in my mouth. … I tried swallowing the inconspicuous way. “Ah here you are, we were worried. Is everything ok? Are you ok?” Well, I could not exactly answer without giving myself away, could I. Amy took over “Yeah, everything is fine again. She was not feeling well for a moment. Just a quiet moment to calm down and we’ll both be with you again.” Phew, Amy took my hand and shoulder and shoved me into the living room, where I sat with her for a few minutes. She made a dead serious face, sent our good hostess out to tell that I’d be fine again any second and let me relax a little. 

I don’t really know where all this cake went, and I was really stuffed. Nobody could see that, though, because I always looked stuffed for the last 22 out of 35 weeks. I am grateful that she understands what’s going on. Without her, it would have been embarrassing, but with her around it was actually funny. There were no embarrassing questions, no embarrassment at all, just understanding and some giggles. Oh, and a reminder to stock up on heartburn blockers. Wise woman, she has been right, of course. That was the cake’s horrible revenge on me.

Sorry for my rambling. Today has been good, without any excitement at all. Maybe you feel inclined to say that’s boring. For me, it was wonderful and I caught up on sleep, too. Maybe yesterday's aftermath. :)

Weekly countdown time:

We have reached week 35 this week!

You know what, I seriously have to come up with a nice idea of what to do with the empty countdown space once baby is there. 

Monday, August 25, 2014

Cat night edition

Hi, this is my Monday late night edition, because of sleep issues, a.k.a. preparing my body for even less sleep. :) Today was not one of the fabulous days, I was without motivation to do anything. Instead, I feel horribly moody, from crying to laughing out loud within two minutes. Not funny. Well, maybe it is, if you have that on video. 

Anyway, I don't like being this unbalanced at all, therefore, as a distraction I followed a link to a page and although I started closer to the down side of things, I had several good laughs from looking at the jokes and pictures. Some made it to my google+ page, and some others are here to cheer everybody up on Monday.

pretty versatile, and after Saturday I'd want them big for a reason ...

... obviously, size matters!

But then again, cats are often doing things I don't want them to do...

... are the mistakes part of the fun? Cat lingo?

Anyway, we want it always on guard

and friendly

But then again, cats can be weird....

... and they can be such a bad influence...

Maybe I should reconsider, or I could end with this...

But, as you may know, we are looking for something like a cute little dog...

I hope you all have a great week !

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Awful Saturday

This morning was really tough. Not because there was a problem between hubby and me, no, well in a way maybe because hubby was not there. Somehow it is my own fault. I don’t know. But it left me flustered all day. 

I’ll try to organize the series of events, so that my whining is comprehensible. Hubby was out in town, at work. No problem for me, because I could do everything the way I want to. Yeah, you can absolutely eat from the thoroughly cleaned floors, but this morning I was more in baby’s room to sort things. Again, I love that and I am in love with the tiny clothes.

The doorbell rang. Thoughtless me waddled downstairs and simply opened. A woman and a teenager? What could they want? They asked for shoes, they were obviously doing that professionally. We always give our old clothes, shoes, furniture and all sorts of things to charity. There is no money involved, when we don’t need things, we pass them on to someone who can put them to good use. I told them. They did not go away. They talked on, the woman held the door open, one hand first, both hands almost immediately after. But at least they couldn’t come in, because I was standing half in the doorway. I became pretty agitated, told them to go, several times, and also threatened to call the police. They simply would not let me close our own door. Either I am physically stronger than I think or they were afraid of pushing right through me. 

By the way, in week 34 you can forget virtually all you know about self-defense. I wanted to protect my belly and I wanted this darn door closed. Actually I had put my weight against the door, but the woman still held against from the outside. I was getting louder, as in really loud, but NOT hysterical (!), and finally a neighbor was outside and on his way because he saw I needed help.
Those two ran away immediately. Ok, under different circumstances I’d have called the police, but all I could do in that same moment was sit down on the floor. I was so agitated that I could not even breathe, instead I was only gasping for breath. I thought I felt every single vein, pumping like mad.

My neighbor gave me a plastic bag, because he thought I might hyperventilate. Clever man, I was gasping and white as chalk. Maybe he was right, it has happened several years ago. I think the bag helped a little, and meanwhile the police were underway too.

And then the contractions started…

The first time I only thought ‘what’s going on now?!’ And then it came again, within maybe one or two minutes. I panicked in this moment, because this whole “§$%&§&”!§ with those two had left me a mess. I thought I’d have baby now within the next moment. I called my doc and our neighbor called an ambulance. My doc won. She was there first, the contractions were still there, but not becoming stronger. I had only moved from the floor onto a step, because I felt too wobbly to move more and tried breathing more controlled. Well, I had to breathe, because before my doctor arrived, my neighbor had wanted me to lie down on my back on the floor, against shock.’ Uhm hello? I simply can’t! I’d pass out immediately from that’, I thought and told him. But controlled breathing worked, a short time later, doc and neighbor brought me to the sofa, put me down there, legs up, more sideways, so that I looked as if I was glued to the backrest of the sofa, but it was ok. In a way, I got talked out of feeling bad, and right when the ambulance arrived, I was actually beginning to be much better again. I thought they could give me my vitamins and go again, but I was wrong there.

Everybody, doc, neighbor and three paramedics thought it was better to bring me to hospital for a thorough check up. The contractions had almost stopped again, but doc and the medics wanted to make sure all would be good. I would have denied that, but there was this slightly stabbing kind of pain and I was afraid that baby was hurt or I’d have a home birth right after they’d leave, and therefore thought I’d better agree. Oh and of course (!) I had to go to the loo so urgently by then. At least it was only my doc who went with me and waited outside, door half open. Otherwise it would have been one of the paramedics. They would not even let me walk to their ambulance. My personal medical slaves hauled me in there like a queen.

So, I had a free ride to hospital, hubby was on his way, too, and only late in the afternoon could we leave again. Hubby never left my side, and he was only happy that baby and I were ok. The contractions were gone by the time we had arrived in hospital and never came back. I was told that they were a symptom for stress …. Duh! Now, how might that possibly have happened?! There was no bleeding, I am all closed (not dilated), and the scan showed baby was in perfect position to pop out of me any minute. Everything concerning baby was according to the rules; don't know where baby learned them so well.

As you can imagine, I am absolutely happy that everything turned out this way and baby is fine. That’s all that matters.
The hospital staff would have loved to keep me there, but there was no reason left, only that the hospital had one or two beds empty. Therefore we went home again, on the promise that I’d rest and try to relax. (By that time I could barely wait to return to our nursery, it is a little bit like playing with dolls, very relaxing for me)

In the car I told hubby that I was waiting to be scolded for my stupidity. But he simply couldn’t. He said that I had been scolding myself more than enough during the last hours, without his adding to it and he was only happy that we were well. Oh my, this left me with mixed emotions, but it was also a trigger to release all the tension that I still had in me.
In a way I would have loved him to scold me, because I connect this with the structure and rituals that we follow. I know what to expect then, it would have helped to settle everything and to give me my balance and peace. On the other hand, I don’t know if I could have taken any of that and it might have upset me again, too. Besides, I think that he reproaches himself because this happened in his house. He hasn’t said anything like that yet, but he doesn’t like it when he cannot influence events, and he is pretty protective, so having intruders in his territory, definitely vexes him a lot. 
Maybe his answer was much better than my request. I am happy because he has been so understanding, but also a little bit confused, because in such moments I feel just how much being held accountable and being disciplined helps. I don't know if this makes much sense.

Anyway, I tried to get my additional rest, but all I could do was eat two cookies. Hubby has been around, we have talked about this and somewhere under what he wants to let me see, I think he is restless. Not really too worried, though. The police have video footage, but hubby does not believe they’ll catch anybody. It’s holiday season here and every year we have gangs of burglars swarming the city and the regions around. According to hubby, those two belonged to one of those gangs. After a while they’ll disappear again.
I did not get reprimanded, only got one single reminder, to look first, before opening the door. Never risk baby and my well-being. Easy to follow, I’d think, but then again, this Saturday showed I was not able to do this.
Maybe I have somewhere on my forehead a sign saying “she’s stupid”, and it seems I do not even have to leave the house to attract problems either. We live in a decent neighbourhood in a big city. There are few problems, our house is pretty safe, because hubby knows a lot about such things, and then I ruin it all, by opening that stupid door. I could have looked who’s there first. I don’t do such things intentionally, but like this morning, I had not even thought about finding out who’s there. Besides, it would not have helped, because they did not look dangerous and I would have opened  the door even after checking first. 

Originally I had thought whether we could have a cat once baby is there. If I want one now, it has to be the size of a tiger. I think I want a dog now. A big one, like those you could almost mistake for a horse. I want it trained to open our frontdoor, if possible. And I want the dog to go by the name of Mimi, because this sounds so cute and harmless. And then I want to see burglars run away from the cute little giant dog. And I want to catch that on video so that I can put it onto youtube and everybody knows that they ran away from a dog with such a cute name. Sorry, I am tired.

This one would do --> Mimi

It is late here by now (midnight), and up to now I have been obedient and tried to rest, but I cannot sleep. The usual stuff. Writing this down was relaxing and I’ll get my warm milk and hide in a heap of cushions. Hubby is here, with him around I wouldn’t mind if all doors were open, because I feel safe with him.

Sorry for my whining, and I wish you all have a happy and peaceful weekend! 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Nesting for the uninformed mother-to-be and those who have to suffer (with) her

In this case the uninformed mom-to-be is writing this text! And I have a new ability. It is called selective perception. Haha, according to hubby it is not really new. Anyway, since I always strive to be better than average, I can do more. I also have the ability of selective thinking. Mom, midwife, doc and friends have told me about nesting and said that it lasts weeks, actually months! I understood that correctly, but somehow what stuck with me was 'a few days'. Therefore I thought I'd collect some basics about far as I remember them.

The general idea behind nesting is pretty clear, mommy wants the nest ready for baby, so that baby has a clean and safe place to grow up in. In the animal kingdom this is a primal instinct, and it is surely similar for us.

Nesting usually starts around the fifth month, or later, like the beginning of the third trimester or even later. In some cases it might only happen a few hours before delivery, like an energy surge you want to get rid of. I for one know this one from my mom and some friends, who were obviously nesting, but a day or a few hours before labour started, it intensified and they were scrubbing the floors like mad, while washing baby's clothes, desinfecting the house and ironing shirts. For the record: I do not do all of this at the same time yet. :-D But I can tell you that you can sort baby toys and baby onesies not only by size, but also by colour and weekday! And cleaning the computer keyboard is suddenly important, too. I have thought about cleaning the cupboard tops, but they are too high and I am not allowed to climb.

Oh, and you should be able to recognize it for what it is when it starts, .... just saying. I had not thought about nesting at all, until DF spelled it out for me. :-D I thought I was doing my usual tidying routine, only a little more, because I want everything fine for baby. So far, hubby had let me sort and arrange all I want, but he stopped me when I had thought about rearranging the tins according to size, too. :) If you suddenly enjoy the ideas for deep and thorough cleaning on facebook more than anything else, then you are probably third trimester and nesting. I haven't checked yet, but I think exactly this happened to me before we went on holiday. I love those homepages about cleaning more than ever before. (Here is one link with good ideas for cleaning btw)
This morning I have asked my best friend, mother and sisters about nesting, and all of them said unanimosly that I have been more crazy about cleaning and tidying, even before we went to our relatives in Britain. They also agreed that it has become much more obvious after we returned. ... And hubby said that I have tried cleaning and tidying everything in my mother's-in-law house, too. "Your honor, I just wanted to help! I plead 'not guilty'!" 

For your information, my mother-in-law had two pregnant daughters-in-law in her house at the same time during the holidays, and she always wanted to do things for us, which we found embarrassing, because we are pregnant, not handicapped (apart from moving gracefully, constant loovisits, remembering things and thinking clearly, that is!). So, we created times when she could relax and we could take over. I mean, the house was crowded and she wanted to do it all, was awfully busy and really needed some relaxed moments.That's not nesting, that's just dividing some of what needs to be done.


There are a few things that I just wanted to mention. Hubby makes sure that even in my cleaning and tidying madness, I do not carry anything heavy under any circumstances. I don't do this intentionally, because it could cause harm to baby. Nevertheless, there are sometimes moments when you might carry more than you should. 

Ever thought about the weight of a bucket full of water? Or, what about a tub full of wet laundry?! It is summer, maybe your laundry will dry outside.Sure, you don't want to run two or three times to get it all out into the sun, but rather do run one more time, if your partner is not there to carry the heavy things.
What about the shopping bags?! We had some discussions here because of that, especially early in my pregnancy, when I felt I could do it easily. Ask someone to help you. If they need  a reason, push your growing bump right into their nose, that will leave no doubt that they are doing the right thing when they help you!

...Oh, concerning cleaning, avoid those detergents with unhealthy solvents in them. You don't want to breathe in the wrong substances, as some chemicals might pass the barriers and be harmful to baby inside.

What about renovating baby's room? You might find yourself in clouds of unhealthy vapours from colours and other things. I also know that there might be substances in colours which you should not have on your skin, because it might absorb it and virtually poison you.

Talking about colours, if you are into oil painting, be sure of what you have in your colours. There are many poisonous kinds of colour you should avoid for sure!

If you have a cat, maybe your partner should clean the litter box, or you should at least wear rubber gloves to protect against toxoplasmosis. If you know there are cats in your garden, use gloves while digging, so that you don't touch their feces.

Yippeee, it is weekly countdown time for us again! 

Woohoo, we are in week 34 now! 

This means that the due date is only (!) six weeks away. Sounds like peanuts.

.... I want peanuts now...

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The dark corridor

This is another part of my formerly lost 'I quit' texts. Compared to the last one, this one is definitely more dramatic. Well, for me it was anyway, and dark corridors still scare me a little bit, out of several reasons.

Usually, Amy and I went to almost any party together, but after I had changed my studies, we also had some where we could not go together. At first I had no idea what was actually happening, but later on I recognized that I was on more parties without Amy than before. I did not bother too much, because there would be plenty of other occasions where we could go together. Later on, I thought if she really wanted to, she could come. 

And all the time, there was a group of other students who I went out with. I knew some of them from literature. One of them, Mia, was a lovely Ph.D. student, she was 26 and I found her attractive (not sexually!) and interesting. In retrospect, she reminds me of Angelina Jolie with a more cheeky expression around the eyes. And of course, she worked for my former professor of literature. I knew that but had not thought about possible consequences at all.

...One of the last parties around Christmas, was traditionally in one of the language departments. Amy was busy, had been for some time, and I was not sure if she wanted to have me around at the moment. And I did not ask; big mistake. So I went there with Mia and some others from that group. Once there, it was a relaxed and funny evening. Towards the end of it, when we wanted to go, Mia told me she had to get her things and I was meant to wait upstairs, in her office. I sat down behind her desk, looked around, and waited. It was dark outside, apart from the little desk lamp, it was dark inside, too. I was waiting in the department of literature. Maybe this was not such a clever idea. But it was too late.

As the door opened, I already knew who would come in. Of course, it was her; who else. The sight of this one person alone made me almost vomit. I told you, I had physical reactions. I felt my body go into lockdown. This was horrible. I can’t stand her, but although she makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, I have never felt threatened by her (physically). “Good evening, … Nina.” She purred into my direction “What a pleasant ‘surprise’ to see you here. ... I was looking for Mia. Have you seen her? …No?” She played with every single word. I had not moved at all. She came closer, in a very casual manner. “I have heard from Mia about your progress in the arts department. I am proud of you. Too bad that you decided to leave us. I had high expectations in you. I was looking forward to … ‘working’ with you.” 

If anybody had the skill to speak most ambiguously, it was her. She knew exactly when to wait, so that the next word would be understood the way she wanted it to be understood. There was not a single indecent word! But I felt so dirty, as if I had been thrown into the mud by her, word after word. And she enjoyed this. I felt extremely miserable and was not out for an argument. But I could not really move either, as she still blocked my way out. When she had walked around the desk and reached me, I had come to life again. “Excuse me, I was only waiting for Mia. Maybe she has forgotten that I am waiting here. I’ll better go and wait downstairs. Goodbye.” I clearly fled from the room, along the corridor, to the door … and found it locked. There are two more ways out and I tried them all, but they were all locked. 

I had not seen her yet in the corridor, but envisioned her stalking through the halls of the literature department. By now, I was close to panic. I was alone in an almost dark building with single spots of cold bluish light, and could not get out of it, and there was this woman somewhere behind me. She was the least reason for my panic, though. Of course, I did not want to talk to her, or ask something trivial, like, ‘Could you open the door, please?’ But the real reason for my panic was another one. I absolutely hate situations where I feel completely unprotected in circumstances I cannot gauge, when I am alone and see no way out of a situation I consider threatening. 

In this dark building I felt physically so vulnerable that I could not think clearly. It was a little bit like in a horror movie, when the victim is only seconds away from being attacked. “Oh, you are still here?! Can’t leave the place?! Yes, I can understand that.” She had a pleasant voice, dripping with poison. Out of nowhere I heard her. I could not see her at first. I was in one of the light spots, and she was in the dark. This was so scary for me. I am not afraid of the dark in general, but there, I would not have left the light spots, because I would have lost the last bit of control. I was still close to going down on my instincts to get me out of the corridor. Seriously, one thought that I had was to wrestle her keys from her. Asking h.e.r. was what I loathed, because I couldn’t stand her. But before I’d go for my instinct-plan, I thought I should at least try asking. 

My breathing alone must have told her the full story. “Would you please open the door, Ma’am?” She smiled, a rather friendly smile compared to what she was like, most of the time. “Do you really want to go out into the cold ... without your coat?” She had brought it along from Mia’s office. Winter, ice, snow, cold, and she had my coat. Darn! Before I reacted, she stood behind me “Let me help you in!” I could not grab my coat, so I just let it happen. I turned to her and she moved her hands under my coat, held my sides, with her thumbs directly at the lower part of my breasts, 'by accident', of course. “See, that’s better, isn’t it?” She knew that she was crossing a line and was waiting for my reaction, but I was almost paralyzed. I did not say a word, and quickly closed my coat, so that she had to take her hands away and waited for her to open the door. 

I have stressed how much I disliked her, and I hated that she had ‘accidentally’ touched me. And while I closed my coat she touched my neck with her hand, which puzzled me more than anything else she had ever done. I am not sure whether she wanted to straighten my coat collar because I had put on my coat with so much haste that it had turned to the inside. I was completely surprised by that and looked at her. In this tiny moment, she was different, I think she was sincere. She was not hunting me down in that second, not trying anything, it was just a little gesture of hers. Probably it was even meant in a friendly way, but the back of my neck is pretty sensitive, so usually I don't want just anybody to touch there! Nevertheless, I wish she would have been more like that, because this was my only time ever to see that she had more than this horrible self in her. But I needed weeks to figure that out. The moment was over before I had realized what it was. She took her hand back and finally opened the door and I left quickly.

The whole situation had been very unsettling for me. In a way I felt defeated by her, but the reason that I did not start a scene when she had touched my breasts, was not because I had been afraid of her. I had felt so full of adrenalin that I felt strong, physically. Mentally, though, I was only waiting to get out, because I couldn’t stand her and this situation was so mixed and unclear for me that I had no clue of how to handle it. Actually I should have known better, because I had visited some courses that were meant to help in such situations. Maybe I would have lost the last bit of control otherwise, I have no clue; all I know is that I felt completely overwhelmed in this dark corridor with the light spots.

Looking back from today, there was nothing like a real physical threat in it. No, there only was someone who played like a cat with the mouse, in a scary dark corridor. There was no single word that could possibly be seen as sexually obvious, but nevertheless, in this situation in the office, any word was sexually loaded and made me squirm uneasily and feel dirty. I have surely been overreacting, but I couldn’t help it. I had no other idea of what to do. Besides, it is always easy to come up with clever replies and appropriate reactions afterwards, isn’t it?

When I finally arrived home, I had to take a long, hot shower. I did not have to scrub myself where she had touched me, it was surely not as bad as that, but I felt the urge to smell like lemon and summer, which I knew she did not like, because it was so ‘vulgar’ (her word, not mine; I love lemon and summer perfume to this day!!). So, I only came out of the shower after I had used up a full bottle of shower gel and enjoyed it as if I had never showered before. I was better again afterwards, but if I had known what would follow, I would have cried.