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Adult content warning!

This blog includes texts which are not suitable for minors. So, if you are under the age of 18 or if my entries might offend you, please leave immediately.


Shoo! Shoo!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Terms of endearment

Instead of getting back to writing about ttwd, I write about Mathilda and what we say to her. I mean, ttwd are still there, more subtle with all the family and friends coming and going, or maybe hiding in a cozy corner and somehow resting a little at the moment. 
Well, while I have had a (very) small half of a cinnamon bun last night (a serious point of discussion in our house, btw), I thought about food again, which is not uncommon for me here these days, because I do look out and avoid food which might cause problems for my little sweetie-pie (that’s why the cinnamon discussion started). 

Ok, so I can only hope that most of the names we use on Mathilda are not sticky and influence her future way of life too much. Because she’d either be a cook, a farmer or a greenpeace activist then, in a very cute fashion and with the air of an angel, that is. She’s our pumpkin (pie), of course (approaching Halloween adds to this!), muffin,  cutie-pie, sweetie-pie, sugar-pie,  noodle,... yeah, we are in favour of pies here, I guess.  Maybe we should have gone to a cake shop for more baby name inspiration and taken more terms of endearment home, together with a cake.

And we like cute animal names for her: honey bee, bumble bee, little bunny, little mouse, our little angle, there are more, some are silly to senseless, some others are pretty obvious, like baby, babykin, and then don't forget Mathilda gets all the cuddly names in German too. :-D

But there is more; variations of her first and second forenames, and I actually do use Mathilda/Tilda/Tildy, too when I talk to her. Uhm, I learn to love the shorter version of Mathilda more and more! (especially at night, when I am almost asleep while nursing the easiest forms are just right, not more than five letters then, if possible!)
Hubby has been overheard using dumpling on Mathilda, which I thought was used for fat babies only, therefore I wouldn’t use that one, because she is not fat. But hubby said it can be used for all babies, so I could live with it. Nevertheless, I am going to verify this with a more reliable native English speaker, who is n o t out for mischief in some moments. Then again, hubby also uses princess for Mathilda, and he definitely is going to spoil her when she is older, so maybe dumpling is ok, as he wouldn't use anything too cheeky, would he? (If I brought this topic up again, he'd play the inscrutable-card and leave me in the dark, just for the fun of it)

Oh hey, and Mathilda is my little cinnamon bun, too. We use English and German, and I like cinnamon buns, no matter what language. :) The German version ‘Zimtschnecke’ is about the food. But it also has the animal-word 'Schnecke' (snail) in it. In its minimising form, 'Schneckchen', works out as super cute for female babies, and therefore Mathilda has heard that one as well. Often. :)

Talking to her is great fun, I can speak and touch her and see what she does. In some moments she opens a sleepy eye and sort of blinks a little, and even moves her head a little in my direction. 

cinnamon bun = Zimtschnecke (German)

Schneckchen (a little, cute snail/slug)

Oh no! She talks about sleep again! Run! :)
I know, it is a recurring topic. If you have a little one and nurse her day and night, it is perfectly alright not to see every visitor and sleep instead! Maybe this is not always easy, but when you look like a ghost due to a sleepless night/day, it is good to have a husband who sends you to bed, visitors or not. Hubby has done that more than once (protective like a bodyguard) and even though I was a little embarrassed when it happened, it turned out that everybody understood this perfectly well. And I was so grateful to get this little extra rest as well, and knew hubby was right. --->If mommy is cranky due to lack of sleep, nobody is happy here. 

I am feeling really bad, because I am not reading and commenting as before, but I still have hope that I can do better again ... up to that time I wish everybody a great week!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


... state of losing fluids. In cars, this means they overheat and/or the engine stops working. In women it means the engine is more than ready for action. The recipient of one of the most common leaks is a small bundle of joy, absolutely cute and as a result the leaking mom usually swoons and falls in love with her little one all over again, every time she nurses. The fluid she leaks is tasty and nutritious.

When a car leaks, a woman is maybe slightly bothered. If she’s married, she might try to convince her husband that it wasn’t her fault (if she is I, she knows better, though). The damage is repaired and that’s it. If the driver was a man, he’s usually grumpy, throws his hat to the ground and stomps onto it because he forgot to put water or fuel into the right tank and this is embarrassing because caring for a car and preventing a leak is considered part of the initiation into adult male groups, researchers say. :D The fluids a car leaks are neither tasty nor nutritious. 

Just a quick mid-week note, to tell everybody we are doing fine. The nights are short, baby and mommy (me!) are sleepy, content and happy. Mathilda can smile! ... in her sleep. I forgot how long until she can actively smile, as a reaction, but I have seen her doing it in her sleep and that was so cute! 

Oh hey, I  h a v e stuck to the 'baby sleeps, you sleep' rule well, but nevertheless, I am feeling completely unable to think about more than basic body functions, such as leaks. Tv is kind of out of question, because that time is valuable for snoozing in bed. ... Well, I'd love to watch a few minutes Voice of Germany later this week, but don't know if I get hubby's permission (even I love Lucy has to wait!).

If I forgot to comment in your blog, I am really sorry and try to do better again. I miss reading more in your blogs, seeing how you are doing (but I do try to catch up).

I hope you all have an extraordinarily lovely week!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Batman, Joker and pirate queen edition

(The title is less arbitrary than it sounds!) We were good with choosing food that I can eat, so that Mathilda is comfortable. Now, over the last days I have been busy, which is no real surprise with a newborn. We are happy that Mathilda is there, we are grateful for the help and support we receive from family and friends (see below), and I think we could do far worse, and apart from some bumps in the road we are doing fine.

This is the part where I am not on Batman's side for a reason
Nevertheless, the last three days and nights have not been too brilliant, because I have been awfully moody, not that I let it leak out too much, but hubby knows, my mom and my best friend too. This is not like me. Uhm wait, maybe with pms it is, but that’s far away. :-) 

Usually I am not negative at all, but during the last few days I had some of these moments when I was angry with myself because I don’t do more than caring for Mathilda, which means I have a really bad conscience in some moments when I see others doing things for me, while I sit or am even sent to bed. This is like a conflict in me, because I know perfectly well that we have arranged all help since the first weeks after birth are strenuous. Yeah, then there is the other side saying that I should be able to do more, like other moms who gave birth and never had a break.

Sitting around or even sleeping, while hubby, mom, friends, sisters, do the work around the house, sucks a lot. I know it is meant as a nice gesture, and I appreciate it so much, but I also get a bad conscience from it, and that’s awful. It doesn’t always last long (fuzz brain is there to help nursing moms forget such things, isn’t it?), and one of the best things for me to get over this has been talking about it; that, and holding my little one. 

This is what I am absolutely happy about: none of this negativity is connected to Mathilda in any way. I don’t know if I were able to cope with that, and I also know that other women have such problems and end up with a post partum depression.

I have had some really silly mood swings during the last days, from crying for no reason to laughing just ‘because’. I am not really into Batman and all the other super hero insomniacs, but this reminded me a lot of the Joker (Heath Ledger), and I think my make-up looked almost the same too at that time! But all in all, it is getting better again, otherwise I would not have had enough distance to see what I am actually doing and everything would sound far more like an emergency. Hmmm, maybe it just helps that Mathilda and I have found a rhythm which I am adapting to.

Hubby doesn’t really want me to spend time doing more than nursing, sleeping, changing nappies and having tummy time with Mathilda. But I am not overdoing things by writing this text either. I am tired as a log, sure, but not completely depleted yet (not moody!) and need the distraction. I know, not sticking to the ‘baby sleeps, you sleep’ has its disadvantages. However, I couldn’t resist watching a bit tv last night (Germany’s got talent; but there are also some participants who obviously are talent-free), and even went online for a short while, just to have some distraction. LoL, Willie caught me immediately and I was sent back to bed even from there! (hugs for that, Willie!). 

Feel-good ideas for the pirate queen
The reason for my sleeplessness is so lovely that she can make me smile just from thinking about her. Now, if that isn’t positive, I don’t know. 

Some of the things that helped me during the last days were maybe silly, but they worked. I know that I have dark under-eye circles at the moment and even though we only do short walks outside, I do use my make-up, as a treat for myself. Concealer is my new best friend! Another treat are comfy, wide clothes that make me feel good and don’t let me look like a complete mess. Ok, my vanity has been pampered enough with that, and maybe healthier than the last two feel-good ideas is getting out into the sun/rain/wind. For me, wrapping Mathilda up and being out with her for a short walk is real fun and the fresh air literally is enough to blow away any bad mood. 

Nonetheless, what has been most helpful was talking. There are ups and downs, which I know is normal. Some of these are trivial for experienced moms, some are just the overwhelming kind, some are simply silly but if I had to keep it all in, I’d explode sooner or later. Now, that would create a real mess, wouldn’t it? So, Mathilda and I roam the house, and when we want to talk, we simply enter the kitchen, as there is almost always one who can just listen in such a moment.  … And if not, Mathilda and I simply do the dishes. Believe it or not, this makes me almost feel like the pirate queen, as if I did something forbidden, but at the same time it is a big adventure. 

 I hope you all have a lovely Sunday!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Where’s my coffee?

Before anybody worries about Mathilda, I am not drinking coffee … yet, because I want to avoid anything that could cause problems for her. …But I have sipped one tiny little bit of this hot juice, just for the taste.

Oh, I have waited for the taste of my beloved coffee for almost a year, was anticipating what it would be like. I must be strangely wired, as this coffee is something I missed almost as much as I do miss spankings. Imagine the months-long torture of brewing hot, black, pure liquid ambrosia (add milk and sugar, if you like), smelling it, when it is fresh, and passing it on to your beloved husband who enjoys it then. Every time, no exception.
Well, this has been my situation up to now, but hubby allowed me this one little tiny sip this morning, only for the taste of it. It was really hot, so it was only on my lips and I took it in by tongue, waiting for the sweet bitterness to come.

…. Waiting

…. Waiting

…. ok, waited long enough.

 Mr Coffee, you disappoint me

I did not like what I tasted. The smell of fresh coffee is still unbelievably awesome, but the taste was boring. How disappointing! Nevertheless, in a way it makes me laugh, because skipping coffee as long as I am nursing will be pretty easy if the taste is that of dirty old socks. Tea, anybody?

Friday, October 10, 2014

She is there! We have our little lovely baby girl !

Somehow, most of what happened in the labour ward is in a haze and although labour really felt long, I could not tell you how long this actually took, if hubby had not told me. Monday to Tuesday night, around 3 am I woke up and at first I was not sure, but after a few minutes I absolutely knew that this was ‘it’. Not BH, not gas, not anything but real labour contractions. You know what, this made me happy, as it was the signal for what we have been waiting for all the time.

3930g, 50cm long (head circumference 37cm), healthy and with broad shoulders, like a wrestler! Well, that’s what it felt like when I pushed her out. I thought she got stuck, but she didn’t, all it takes is ‘push,…Push… P U S H !!!!!! Very good, she’s almost there, only one more time….’  Actually, when the midwife said that, she meant it. Only seconds later I had our beautiful little one on my belly. Hubby was with me, holding hands and he was as happy as can be when she protested a little. I think she was pretty tired from the last 14 hours, so she took a little nap as soon as she could. After cutting the umbilical cord and her being in my arms for a moment, hubby had some time with her while we were cared for.

Our little one has brown eyes and pretty dark brown hair, which is definitely from hubby’s side of the family, as we are all blond here from the continental side of the family. She is such a cutie with tiny hands and feet and has such a lovely smell. When she is on my belly, I have an additional cushion under my head, so that I can smell her away as much as possible. I love her smell.
Smelling her is not enough for me, though. In some moments I am afraid of waking up and finding out that all was just a dream. Sounds probably completely weird, but I cannot change that either. And in one of these moments I need to hold my little one, to actually see, touch and smell her, to believe that she is here and real. You know, she is the best that ever happened to us.

Maybe you have guessed that we had a few days in the clinic, and thank God I had a nice midwife there who helped me with latching her on the first time. I mean, it is not that it is difficult, but doing it wrong can definitely be painful, and therefore it is so much nicer if you have someone to check whether you are doing it right. 

During the last days, everything was somehow surreal. No, I am not on drugs, well, maybe on happy hormones. I must have a lot of these, as I am sweating loads of them out. Fuzz brain and what have you is here. At least I don’t have to worry about things which should be done in the household, since my mom is here to help for the first days.

Everything is somehow overwhelming. Hubby is happy,  baby is happy, I am happy, but nevertheless, now that we are back home with our little babygirl (for the name, see below), so many things are somehow different. I am always on alert, listening out for her, probably far more than necessary, but I cannot change this (and don't want to). During the last night she was really hungry and I didn’t sleep much. This was a little better the days before, when we had a two hour rhythm.

From Friday to Saturday has been my first night back at home, with a lot of restlessness, because the situation is so different from the comfortable circumstances in the clinic. There, the nurses looked after the babies for a while, so that we mommies could get some more sleep. I did that and had baby when she was hungry, crying, and during the day. Day one was a sleepy day for both of us, but then she became hungry. I love nursing, apart from that it happens around every two hours. Knowing that it would be (at least) that often and experiencing it for real are definitely not the same. Nevertheless, I enjoy these moments endlessly and experience them as deeply satisfying … with side effects.

Just as the milk coming in has been different than I had thought. I mean, my breasts have grown  during pregnancy … but now they are really heavy and have been expanding again (I think I need a 'handle with care' sticker now). 
Throughout the week their weight has absolutely increased, which seems to be good. But they are really dragging me down! Baby does get enough milk from me. Not having enough  milk for her was something I dreaded so much. Weeellll, now I wonder why, as there is more than enough in this milk bar and my worries were without any reason. 
One additional piece of advice that I got: to minimize engorgement, nurse often. For me, this is most important to obey during the nights, when I’d like to sleep, But even when baby and I are sleepy, I better nurse her around every two hours. I don't know why, but just thinking about it makes me smile.

Baby's got a name!
Our little honey bee has three forenames. The first and second are from Scandinavia, and the third one is from hubby’s family. The funny thing is that one of my friends also goes by that name. Nevertheless, apart from being written in the passport probably no one is going to use it. … Apart from me, here in Smacking Bottom.
So, I have permission to publish that our little sunshine’s third name is Mathilda. Baby has got her name now in my blog! To see her name here, published, is strange. After such a long time when Mathilda was only known as ‘baby’ here, I can use her name, which is great. 

As some of you know, hubby would not allow to tell more, which I still find pretty disappointing. Well, I can tell you Mathilda’s first and second name are the best ever, of course. :) What I also found a little vexing was that in 15 years she will probably have every detail of her life in her Facebook account, readable for everybody.

If anything of what I wrote tonight was not understandable, this might just be from me trying to tell so much and not finding the words for any of it. I don’t think that I am able to organize my thoughts clearer than this at the moment, since I am pretty excited, tired, happy and also a little bit overwhelmed (positively).

I have not even had time to see what I have missed here in Smacking Bottom during this week. I’ll try to catch up again quickly and I am sorry for not having commented. Someone kept us a little busy here, I guess.:)

I wish you all a very happy and lovely weekend!