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Saturday, March 15, 2014

When I am business-like ...

... I am in hiding. It is so easy to do. I have learned that over the years. It is easier to do while blogging and there it does some good, too, because I can sometimes write more neutrally about topics that I would not write about at all, otherwise.

But if it happens when I talk to people who mean a lot to me, I feel very sorry afterwards. These moments happen. Those who know me, just have to shake me up and all is good and I can be open again emotionally. Those who don't know me, just think 'oh she is queer, oh she doesn't really care'. :-(
Actually it is not that way. I do care a lot and sometimes I simply don't show it the proper way so that you can perceive it. I am really sorry for that. Usually this happens if one of those topics was touched which I don't like talking about. If that happens between you and me, just shake me. If I misunderstand what's going on, we can talk about it and hopefully I am more myself again.

If my writing is detached in emotional situations, then you can be sure that I am too deeply involved to deal with the topic in any other way. I don't know what the name for this is, but it exists. Many people do that when they deal with difficult situations that make them feel too uncomfortable.

For me it is sometimes this way, being detached, because actually the alternative would mean that I'd be in  panic. Not the kind of panic I get from spiders, mice or snakes. They bother me but I can laugh about that afterwards. No, I mean panic because you feel your life threatened or because you feel you are falling into your dark abyss. So, it is something that can help protect parts of me. Relax, everybody, I have no reason to panic, all is fine, and if you live with a HoH who is able to protect  you physically, you know just how safe I feel. The moments when I was mortally afraid have only been a few in my life, and I am grateful for that. Still, these have had an effect on me but apart from trying to avoid thinking about them too much, they have taught me not ever in my life to give up when it really matters.

Sorry, another round of my random rambling ritual. This time written in a sleepless night. It's almost two o'clock in the morning and I cannot sleep. I could not even decide wether to sleep on the left or right. It all felt wrong and I was wide awake, trying to dream but all that came were some dirty, naughty thoughts. Well, I did not wake hubby up, though I would have loved to. But that would not have been nice, because he needs his sleep. As some of you know,  hubby and I have discussed my bedtime and I am long past that time. But this here is a really sleepless night so far. And I guess that I will sleep like a log in the morning.

That I am writing this is sort of the result of me waiting for my hot milk. And I did not break a rule by being up too late. I tried sleeping and simply could not. Warm milk mixed with honey helps. Yummy, with my glas of warm milk, all sweet and covered in a blanket, I feel cozy. Good night everybody.


  1. Hope your warm milk worked. I don't like milk much. If I can't sleep I generally get up and blog, read, or watch tv. I am not suggesting it because it doesn't help me sleep! It encourages non-sleep! After so many years with insomnia
    though it is just a part of life for SM and I. :) Luckily it happens a lot less now. Hope you are feeling okay. Do you have a baby bump yet?


  2. Hi Sara, I am sorry to hear that you suffer from insomnia. Does it mean for you that you have to sleep at other times, so that you get the needed rest? I really hope that you have a way to solve this problem. Usually I don’t have the problem that I can’t sleep well and at the moment we connect my sleepless nights directly to baby who is dancing inside :-) . The milk actually worked, because when I went to bed I think I was asleep within a moment. But I got up early on, 6 am, my usual morning time. Hubby would have allowed me to stay in bed longer, but I just couldn’t, because when it is morning I always want to get up and be active. At the moment this means I have a major breakfast. I think I eat all I really need for the day in the morning, so the 300 calories that I should have more, are probably more than doubled during lunch and sometimes a little dinner.
    Oh yes, the baby bump shows, not much yet, and hubby teases me with having eaten too much, but it is there. I am pretty proud of it, because I can actually see that baby is growing and that’s what I want to know for sure. But hubby is not wrong when he says that it looks as if I have just eaten too much. Currently I am going for wider clothes only. I don’t want to wear maternity clothes unless I really feel that my other clothes don’t fit any longer.



    1. Aww I bet it's a cute bump though! :)

    2. Oh yes ! I love it, and want it to grow, I really want to show of with it :)


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