Non-spanking discipline and unexpected bumps in the road

Since hubby flatly denied any form of punishment spanking, we have talked about alternatives. The first days without physical dd it was more like a theory, because I really behaved and all was bliss and happiness. But then there have been incidents where I admittedly could have been better than I was.

The point about that was though I could have slept endlessly during the day due to feeling tired, but I was wide awake the later it became. All good so far, because this has happened years ago to me too, during my first trimester. But this time I had an evening where I should have gone sleeping earlier than I did and I used my inner restlessness as an excuse. It was not outright lying, but I knew that it also was a convenient excuse. Maybe it was something like stretching the truth a little. It doesn't make it better, it still is a no-no.

Hubby has been rather lenient lately and was pretty busy too this evening, so he accepted what I said. I stayed up longer than I should have and the later it was, the better I knew, because I actually felt that I needed my sleep. Finally I did go to bed, with a bad conscience, because I felt that this was not right. Next morning I told hubby and apologized. Hubby was not angry and he also felt that he had failed, because he had not paid enough attention to discipline lately. I thought that he was angrier with himself at that point than with me which I am sorry for, too. 

The result of this, for the moment is that hubby has restricted computer time for me until further notice, which is definitely right, because I had spent most of the time there. We have had a closer look at bedtimes again and even though  I am still required to have a midday nap, I have to be in bed not later than 10 pm. For last night I did cornertime, to think about additional alternatives for physical dd, but the best I came up with was grounding, especially when I am only allowed to be in one room most of the time.

There are many other privileges that I could lose, such as not using my mobile, no tv, no girls' nights and others. We'll do all that too, though what hubby wanted last was that I lose contact to friends. He has done that in the past, but this is something he'd like to avoid now more than ever before, because he wants me to meet my friends and also to exchange experiences about pregnancy. This is because he knows that I need a lot of contact time to talk about these things in depth. Well, a tricky situation.

I am not going to blame anybody else than myself for my mistakes, definitely not. But when we talked things through, hubby said that he had stepped back a little from being in control, because he wanted to give me enough room for the changes that are happening. And lately he also was busy with giving me sex, which was enjoyable for both of us, but it also hid the problem that I was beginning to be out of bounds. 

We had discussed how to do dd when physical discipline was not what we could do,  but in February it was more like a theory. Now I have experienced something again I have known for years. I need to feel that hubby is in control and the lack of this triggers inacceptable behaviour in me. 

Hubby on the other hand wants to be more lenient than he was before. He says there are situations currently when I am not in submissive mode, but not because I don't want to, but because I am in nest-building and preparation mode. He says I don't even notice how absorbed I am by preparing at the moment. :( . But this is not negative. He also says he enjoys to see that in me and considers this very attractive and beautiful. I love that man so much :) 

All  I do know is that I keep my fingers crossed all the time, and hope all will be well. I also know that I am not willingly creating trouble and have the feeling that I really need hubby's support. One thing which I have asked for is that hubby actually be more HoHy with me again and to stop me rather one time too often than not. That made him grin in this diabolic way, so I guess he has ideas.

Since computer time is restricted now to roughly five hours a week, I publish two texts today (the odd babies were already finished before), because if I really want to have a chance to go online Sunday, I have to save that time up during the week.

This is a pretty painful cut for me, but all I can say is that it is my own doing that led to it and I am actually very grateful that hubby is there to help me. :)