Chasing dreams

Sex, fatigue, confusion

This morning I am not going to be too sex-related. Finally, fatigue is kicking in with full force, so I am close to letting my head crash on the keyboard and dream. But it is not as if I am all relaxed or not thinking about sex all the time. No, I am close to fantasizing about Hank :), because hubby had to leave early and could only help me out once this morning. ... Though he said that he'd be back with spray cream, later. This really made me happy and flooded my body with a warm tingling. I could barely let hubby go, but currently I am also tired, maybe I am bit like a horny sleepwalker at the moment. 

Well, I am writing like a sleepwalker. I am being telegraphic today, because I cannot unscramble my words.  Maybe I am silly today, too, I don't know.

 

To sleep or not to sleep, that is the question

So, I woke up. Yes, and jumped hubby. But then I prepared breakfast, totally without sex. Unsexy breakfast is boring. Hubby had to hurry, and suddenly I was alone at home and felt that I could go back to bed and sleep. I'd never do that, once up, instead I'll always try to get through the day being busy. I like to leave something better than it was before. If I have to get more sleep, like I feel I have to get now, I'll try to do some chore first. Most times it wakes me up and I forget about sleeping. Not for the next weeks or months, I guess. I'll take a midday nap. Hubby told me to have one.

Why get up?

But in this moment when I was more awake than asleep, I thought about what we all do.

Why do  you get up every morning? I mean, sometimes you could stay in bed and dream on. It's so pleasant, dream about your perfect life, dream about the meal that you did not burn, dream about your best friend you did not have a row with. You could dream on about a world where you have no negative experience from previous years. So, why do we bother and stand up every morning? I'd rather have hubby here with me all the time, instead of him being up and away most of the day. If it is not about getting up in the morning, I could state it this way. What makes you do more than what is absolutely necessary to exist?

Responsibility and money

So, I have asked hubby and he said he couldn't stop. It's his business, there's responsibility bound to that. It's also about money, of course. If you want to have the chance of more than naked existence, then you need to get up, too. He said that even if you do work hard, chances are not always in your favour and you might struggle for most of your life, because these things are not fair. So, the material side is a point hubby emphasized a lot. Maybe he has to, because he is self-employed. No work means no food for us. No worries, we have plenty of food currently and I am on my way right through the biggest heap of it. Baby is hungry, not me, of course.

Dreams

For me, since I am not involved in making money, it is different. I know that part about material necessities. But that's hubby's department, so I am free to focus on the other side (hubby mentioned dreams as well, btw). I thought it is about the dreams and hopes we have. If we did not work for these, we could never expect any of these to be fulfilled. We could see the moments, as they pass. 'Oh look, he's cute, I could go and have a nice evening with him. He could be the right one.' And when he asks you out for a date, you say 'No,' because you are afraid, insecure or because someone has said the wrong things about him? No, work for it. This example is a little bit of what I have experienced in the past and it leads back to one of my blog texts where I mused about 'what if'. Well, as you all know, I grabbed this chance when hubby gave it to me. :) 

Even if you work for your dreams, there are always chances that you cannot fulfill something you worked hard for. There are so many things we simply cannot influence. It might be enough that there are the wrong people in an office and a dream is shattered because they are unwilling. Often, this is out of our reach. Still, we continue fighting, and fighting it is in some situations. Or we could give up and accept defeat. I think I know that I cannot always win and don't expect to. But I do get up every morning, serve hubby, do chores and I can always stand and look into the mirror, because I did not give up. I think there have been only very few situations in my life where I have really given up and felt defeated and all helpless (definitely not the erotic version which is about trust). I hated that feeling of being at someone's mercy who was there to hurt me. It's my personal abyss that is connected to all this, but currently my colours are all bright and not black like in that dark hole.

Nevertheless, even if things go wrong, I'd always get up again and work for my dreams all over again. Hubby shares this thinking with me. Because if you keep doing something for your dreams, you might end up happier than before. You might succeed. Not always, but sometimes. You can look back and see what you have achieved. You can look back and definitely learn from the failures. But all this would never happen, without even trying. Therefore, I admit that I admire people who work hard for their dreams, and this is not about money! It's fighting for who you love, who you want to be with, who you want to be. I think it is also for being able to look into the mirror and smile at yourself, because you did the right thing. Well, and of course, because you actually did something. Maybe this is close to being incomprehensible, but sometimes I only need a small trigger to get myself into this kind of writing and I am bit touchy momentarily anyways. 

But my conclusion would never change: 

chase your dreams.

If this rambling of mine doesn't make sense, sorry. I guess it is the combination of the last days and a morning which makes me feel as if I had not slept at all. For three days. But I know why I feel this tired, therefore, I am actually happy and feel good. Still, if it goes on like this, I'll probably not be writing the next days. Either it will be because of Hank, water-hoses, spray cream or just because I am kind of hibernating :)

Greetings from the home of the horny hormonal hibernator