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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Don't put thoughts of yours into my words, dear...

If you have ever heard something like this warning from your loving husband, then welcome to the club. You did something that I have trouble stopping. How can you stop that? I have tried for years and yes, I believe I have become better all in all, but if I do not tell myself 'no, listen, what are his words?' I start doing more than understand the words. I immediately look for additional information of the non-verbal kind.

When you listen to your (female) friends, this kind of problem simply doesn't exist. Well, at least I have never experienced any of this with one of mine and they haven't either. So, here we are again, back to the problems of ... male and female communication. Sorry, if you have been waiting for another description of me being whacked. Not all of my life is about BDSM, but I'll surely come back to writing down such experiences later on because I love that topic as much as you do.

 Here come the bees

 I have written about how different men and women are more than once here. But sometimes a certain scene just triggers something in  me. When one of my friends had her baby last summer, we (female friends) went there to see mom and daughter, meet, enjoy the moment and show how much we felt for her. Imagine that, a sunny day, we had tea, a bit of cake, a typical women's kaffeeklatsch. Talk and enjoyment in the afternoon. And everybody who reads this, absolutely knows what happened with the little babygirl and women. Yep, the adult bees swarmed all around the little babybee. We held her, smelled her, cuddled, counted her toes and played with her hands and meanwhile we all were close together. I mean not only because we had a fantastic connection in that moment, this was also physical. We were physically a bit like a crowd at times, took the baby, hugged happy mum and were physically and emotionally close to each other.

Here come the drones 

When we all went into the yard later on, mummy bee and babybee included, some of the husbands were chatting together and we bees all went over to participate. You could assume that nothing extraordinary would happen. We'd talk a little and then promenade before we'd leave for home. But there was a visible difference: only daddydrone took his little babybee and kissed mummy bee. There were some more hugs and kisses between some of the couples, of course. But what about babybee? We women had cuddled and held the little baby excessively and it was a lovely experience. And I mean each woman in the house had her and enjoyed that a lot. But from the men's side only her dad wanted to hold her. None of the men asked to have her for a moment. 
I asked hubby later on about it and he said why should he? She's a baby like any other and not his. Hello, anybody home??? I did not know what to make out of it and still don't know. If I ask such a question, I have to be willing to live with the answer, I have learned that much. And that babies are a sensitive issue for the two of us, is no real secret, but we are working on it. Often and with pleasure :)

Still, the difference was too obvious, the men did not try to come close and have her, whereas all women who were present did. I'd bet that some of you have seen something like that going on too, wherever you are.

Body language / behaviour

You can also go and look into the differences of how we communicate non-verbally. Same day, same occasion. When we women met, we also went for physical contact. We hugged and kissed, later on we sat down and talked. When we sat next to each other and talked, we touched each other's arms, it is an automatism that happens, e.g. when you want to emphasize or when you want to get additional attention. This is not meant sexually in any way, it is just an additional way to connect. So, it just happens and feels good to do! Besides, we know each other's eye colour well. Guess why this happens to be. Yes, because we actually look i n t o the eyes of the one we talk to. We do not need to look at the level below (the assessment of other women happens quickly and is over before even a single word has been uttered). That's what the other sex does at close range. And at long range. How could you not be offended, if the one you talk to, looks elsewhere most of the time. Maybe even the gras is more interesting than what I have to say? Is that why you look there? Thank you very much. I think this is rude, because it shows that the other one is not interested.

And now for the different thinking and misunderstood communication

A while ago, I have already published a classic example of what might happen between men and women if they follow their typical and different ways of communicating. You find that example here.
Since I still tend to do these things, put more thoughts into hubby's words,  these misunderstandings  happen  now and then.  If it were only funny, no problem. But hubby and I were  really vexed repeatedly because of them. And this is not my fault ! :) No, of course not, it is ours. If I look for understanding and empathy, hubby has to notice that I do need comfort and connection. He is really good at that, but sometimes, err, ehm, he fails. I never do, of course. But what I have to keep in mind is that hubby often speaks facts only. I guess it is a male language, women can only learn that if they forget about meta communication, i.e. the message behind the message. Then again, why do I have the feeling that men are more often ironic than women? Strange.

Anyway, let's have a night out in a restaurant. We love that and although hubby could, he does not always decide where we go to. Instead he asks me and that's sort of complicated then at times. I'd maybe say something like 'I don't know' as a starter. That's the first problem, because I don't want to decide that issue, I'd like to negotiate where we could go to, so that both have a say. Well, sometimes I know the answer and just don't give it away, because hubby should know what I think then. :)))) Yes, I know what you think now.

So, hubby's answer would be a suggestion, the name of a restaurant. I mean, if he really asks, we should negotiate, shouldn't we? Then, my next move would be 'Maybe another one, I did not like the fish there.' Hubby would come up with an alternative. He'd soon ask me what I'd like to eat and I'd still be vague in my answer. ... We could play this game for a longer time, but he would not allow that. Finally hubby would decide and in doing that, I could end up a little bit upset or feel misunderstood and consider him selfish for not asking what I actually wanted. The example could be more complicated than this, and hubby always has nice ways out of such traps, but it could happen, because he talks fact and I talk meta.

Honey, I think the trash needs to be taken out
I'll give you two more, because I like these examples and they are so typical. One of my all time favourites I have heard in our family, in the non-DD and non-D/s branch of them. It is about overflowing dustbins. :) She used indirect language: 'Honey, I think the trash needs to be taken out.' Can you guess what he would do? He simply said 'Yes, right' and went on minding his own business. She was frustrated and I did it, because otherwise she would have done it. HE just did not get the message. There was too much metamessage in it.
This last one is not from hubby and me, but I heard it more than once. He criticises her, because she did not do something connected to childcare that she should have done, 'because a good mother would do this'. Her reaction would naturally be something like 'Why do you say that I am a bad mother?!' Since men can use metamessages, of course, a lot would depend on the situation and his real intentions. He could just have been a typical man and had not even intended to express what she understood. But he could also have been a really mean blockhead.

Men are strange 
I have always wanted to write that, and now I even did it in bold letters. But probably I have only been stating the very obvious, ... men are different and strange. :) <--I do enjoy this conclusion. Uhm, women are strange, too, sometimes maybe.  But I really love that men and women talk differently, because  it creates a sort of endless excitement; forget about the increased chance of frustration for a minute. It would be somehow boring if men and women were too similar, still, sometimes I wished that I really had a good dictionary man-woman / woman-man, because even though hubby and I communicate a lot and in the most satisfying ways, simple misunderstandings still happen now and then. They are the ordinary kind, hubby processes information and comes up with his solution and I feel misunderstood because I wanted him to relate only or to show sympathy. It happens to everybody, therefore I recommend: man say more than yep or nope and woman read less between the lines when talking with a man.
Oh, and sometimes talking less actually is more... I know, according to how long my entries here have become lately, I should better listen to my own advice. :)

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