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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

effects blogging has on me

Hi folks,
I don't know if this is what happens to all who start blogging, but since blogging has become something like a drug for me, I have noticed some adverse reactions in me.

Since this is a blog about me and what I want to express here, I do express less about myself among my friends and with hubby. Not in a way that I do hold back anything, I guess I am not the type to do that anyway, but often I write down things here and once they are out, I have no longer the urge to talk about these topics with others. Strange, but this probably also happens because I often express things here that I would not always discuss with anybody but hubby.
I am being complicated again, sorry. I have talked to my friends and hubby no less than before, but sometimes I do not talk about things that were on my mind after I wrote them down here.

Then I also write about topics that I had never paid much attention to, before. The text I am currently working on is one of those. It is about needs and wants and it created a lot of flashbacks to unpleasant times that I experienced then. This is what happens in most of the texts, they help me to remember a lot and they raise my awareness about different topics, about reactions that others showed and also reactions that I showed towards others.

I get a clear idea about what is important for me. We have always thought that talking and communicating is important here. But how much I really need this has become clearer again since I have written about it online. I keep returning to this in so many different texts that I have recognized its importance clearer than ever before.

I spot details and differences, e.g. when I  think about men and women. I have done that before, too, but whereas I have stuck to most of my prejudices and stereotypes, I look closer there too. now. It can be a lot of fun to do that but also disillusioning at times. 

I write about past events and feel that they become clearer as I look at them again closer. Sometimes this means that I cherish them less than before, sometimes it is the complete opposite and I recognize just how sweet and lovely an experience was, so that I consider it far more important than before.

Sometimes I connect with others online where I did not do so before. This is great and exciting, because of the lovely and friendly people that I have talked to, especially since most of these are from English-speaking countries. I love that, because otherwise I  usually am restricted to speaking English with hubby and his family. Here, at home, we use English most of the time, too, but since we are currently located in Hamburg where hubby does business, he also speaks a lot of German. Not good for me, because I want to improve on speaking English, my German is good enough for me, because I am native.

I get a better idea who I want to expose more of my inner self to. There are some allusions to the embarrassing and unpleasant bits of my past and I have not decided yet how much I want to give away to the public about these events. But just thinking about it helps me so much to structure everything and come to terms with much of it as well. Yes, writing is therapy for me.

And blogging makes laughing about myself so easy.

Blogging takes time. I have had moments where I did not structure my daily schedule well enough and suddenly had to hurry with chores because I got lost in thoughts about topics I wanted to write about. I managed to finish everything in time, that's where I am grateful again for the structure that we have at home.

Blogging lets me get lost in thoughts and in town. I got lost in my own hometown two times during the last three months while I was out shopping. The reason was that I walked along the road thinking about some ideas that I wanted to blog about. I did  walk, not drive, therefore nobody was in danger. But there are quarters in the city I have obviously never been to before.

And still I would not like to stop blogging. Sure, the number of entries will decrease, I guess that is normal, if you don't want to be too repetitive, but I hope that I can go on with blogging for a long long time. I love it so much!

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