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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Do I need it or do I want it?

When Master and I initially started our relationship it became quite obvious that I had no idea about my needs. What I thought I needed were just things that from nowadays point of view were just things I wanted, but they were not really necessary for emotional satisfaction and well-being. Most of the needs I could not even put into words because I was not aware of these and only felt the lack of something in my life. Instead I had twisted ideas about women who are only strong if they act and live independently, though I also always had felt deep within then, that this was not part of my agenda. But I acted against my deeper desires, because they were not mainstream. I paid too much attention to how negative others (women) thought about women who craved a strong man who took them in hands. Apart from that, I could not even give such needs a name.

Needs or wants?
This was until hubby actually talked to me about needs and wants. The difference is not difficult to understand, but I had trouble at first, because I never had thought about the difference. Let's stick to something basic, like food. I need some kind of food and fluid to stay alive. But bread and water would fulfil my need to satisfy my hunger. What I want is fruit, sweets, meat, oysters, lobster, tea, juice, champagne, chocolate and any other kind of interesting taste. Still, everybody knows these things are not vital.
And now the tricky bit. Try to put into words what you need concerning your partner and way of life, if you did not feel well with what you had experienced so far. If anything, you had a vague feeling that what the man of your dreams demonstrated, or better exhaled as his way of being, was what heated you up more than anything else before. Lacking awareness, this was difficult to put into words and I am happy that my husband and Master helped me there. I  had a lot of luck then, because the sheer force of attraction that emanated from him towards me was so enormous from the start that I had only eyes for him and would have done anything to get him. I know for sure than many women know exactly what that feels like.

The hopeless romantic in me who is endlessly in love with hubby says that I need him. He is my first need. But the down-to-earth Master who I wanted to impress with this line did not want to second that   :(    ; he says the needs go deeper. Ok, therefore I'll try to be more general with describing at least a few of my needs.  I might not go into detail with all of these, because I have written about needs and wants in a few other texts of mine.

What I need is somebody I can trust completely, because without that I'd not be at ease, even if I derived something from submitting then. I do not know what I would have done if I had found a dominant who was not trustworthy;  would I have taken the opportunity or not? Well, the more probable answer scares me. But I simply could not resist Mr Right when I met him, and I trusted him from the start, even in difficult moments which we had early on.

What I know is I definitely need the feeling that somebody is there who is in control, who can control me and who is able to enforce his will on me. I know, sounds harsh, but is lovely for me. And if I have the feeling that he is not there to keep me in check, I come closer to going ballistic every minute. This is something which is close to the core of my being. And it is also related to my trust towards him. I have to feel that his hold on me is complete, because anything else worries and disturbs me. Although it sounds like it, I do not need 24/7 care, or somebody who is around me all the time. It is the feeling of being not alone, of being close to someone who has control over me. Of course, there is more to it, but that would lead too far away.

That's one of the main reasons why former relationships with decent vanilla guys simply could not work with me. I could trust them, I believe, but they were unable to give me anything else than that. I felt like I was in control and that was awful. Try leaning on a wall which is not there. This feels like you have no hold and fall down deep into the dark abyss. There is nobody holding you back, no anchor, nothing. Some of these moments I remember from that time are horrible, because I can relive this feeling  of being lost, completely disconnected, in the presence of someone you should connect to. Imagine that you are sitting close to someone you love and there is an invisible barrier between you and him and there is no way for you to touch him. I never ever want to relive that and just thinking about it sends shivers down the spine.

But this was not even the worst. I am not going to describe how I treated them sometimes, that was awful in itself and I have a bad conscience from that to this moment. The worst in these relationships was that I could do what I wanted. What I mean is complete chaos, not complete liberty. It's doing arbitrary but rather meaningless things in life because you have no clue. Like I did for years, long after I had been out of these relationships and had lost interest in meeting new partners completely. What for, if it never worked out? Instead, I could go for nights without sleep, I could go and party for weeks, if I managed to be at work in time. I could be with people who were no real friends, I could hurt people without wanting to, annoyed people, disappointed those that mattered. I had the feeling that I had reached my personal hell and started to build my house in it. One of the straws that I still had, were some really good friends, the best, who stuck with me when they had no real reason to. They helped me a lot and gave me some kind of stability. I try to be a really good friend for them, have tried so for the last ten years to make up for former mistakes and doing so has been a lovely and very satisfying experience. The chance to do so was only there because they did not leave and my Mr Right was able to change my attitude completely. I think for him it must have been a lot like helping me tidying up a huge mess.

Communication   ... and a bit of sex
Communication is a need. I couldn't do without the reassurance and feedback that I receive through that. It is the most valuable way of expressing my submission towards my Master, too. The acts that are connected to submission are often only the visible expression of this need of mine. In this moment I do not mean sex. The sex we have is fabulous and just like anybody else who has unbelievably fabulous sex, I could not imagine anybody having a better sex life than us. :) Compared to what we have now, former vanilla sex times were dull and boring, a bit like finding the needle in a haystack ... in the dark. But is sex a real need of mine? I guess I have no idea. I submit completely during sex. So, as a means to show my submission and to feel good from that, it is a need. But I could also kiss Master's feet and that would serve the same purpose and it would not even ruin the hair as happens all the time during sex. Sex is synonymous with scenes and session, because physical intercourse usually happens during the scenes that we have. They are a mix of creating endless sexual pleasure on the one hand and a means of creating a number of moments where Master exerts his power over me and I submit, accept his  dominance completely. Virtually a case of non-verbal communication. The pure intercourse part of those scenes I could do without, not that I would ever like that, but if I could still submit, it would work.
Since we have a few friends we can talk to about DD and D/s as well, I feel rather privileged and appreciate the opportunities we have because of it. But the real problem in communication had existed when I was not aware of what I needed and could not express the necessary things as a result. And being bitchy is also a kind of communication, so I maybe was desperate enough to be that way, maybe it was a cry for help that nobody understood, myself included. When I finally had my loving dominant partner, communication was no longer a problem. We could not only talk, but we could also understand the underlying messages the other one wanted to convey. Suddenly  there was  somebody who could give my problems a name. Imagine how that feels, you try to express something but cannot find any words for it and he says them, and this happened all the time and still does happen. At first he always left me speechless because he told me about my desires and they were true, like a revelation. Sometimes I thought that he was quite bluntly talking about these things, but we talked things through again and again, forward, backward, again  and again. He always left a choice, though he also said that it is no real choice because if I wanted to be happy from deep within I could only follow these deeply rooted desires.

It's like the doctor says 'Well, young lady, you have a serious case of being chronically undersupplied with the satisfaction of your real needs. You could live with it for a few more years untreated, but not taking your medicine will inhibit your happiness and mental health a lot and probably will let you fade away finally, as if you had never been alive.' What is the name of the medicine, Doctor?' 'It is called submission. Take a heavy dose of it every day and the more you take of it, the better you will feel.' I heeded my doctor and he knew exactly what he subscribed to me. Thank you, Sir.

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