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Sunday, January 5, 2014

how bad can men and women be at being themselves?

Careful, the following text is not politically correct, ... like most others where I describe the advantages of DD and state explicitly that I love the traditional roles that we follow in our marriage.

Actually this text is a follow-up from another article I wrote here  Why some women can let go and others can’t, where I wrote how some women behave man-like in the bedroom and have problems because of that.

I believe that many women have the problem that they cannot be themselves in a way that allows them to be emotionally satisfied and at the same time be accepted by a majority of people (a.k.a. society). Instead of celebrating their femininity,  many women show more traits that I usually connect with men or being masculine. At the same time, many men have learned to show some of the characteristics that I would usually connect with femininity, e.g. being more sensitive. Of course, this is good to have, no matter what gender you are. But still I think that in many cases this new way of thinking and living has created more problems and not really helped much.

I am not trying to talk politics here and want to stress that I believe that same rights, same chances and same payment for both sexes go without saying. If you have read a few of my articles, you know who is in charge in our household, still, we believe in equal rights for the sexes, but we do not believe men and women are equal. There is nothing good or bad about stating that there are differences. The biological differences are obvious, but I think there are also major differences in the way women and men think. Accordingly, it should be no big news that men and women have different needs, views, feel differently. And that's why I think it is not good for many/most? (I did not check any statistics) women to behave so far away from the core of their nature. I believe that women can and should be whatever they want to be, head of state, CEO, astronaut, doctor, stay at home mom, everything, but I also believe that they should not try to adopt roles that they do not feel comfortable with.
There are (at least ) two genders, therefore half of the blame should be put on men. Often enough I have this feeling that many men are not up to the task of leading a family properly. Yes, this is the moment, at the latest, where many will object. My point of view is based on the traditional family rolemodel, but with a modern touch to it. I am not from the 50's and I believe in political equality.

Within relationships equality is probably a myth. I see that there is someone who is the dominant partner, not only in our own relationship, also in all others that I have ever had the chance to learn about. Couples might not emphasize that there is someone leading the other (maybe they are not even aware), but it is there, just like you have it in friendships. There is one who is more dominant, a kind of leader, usually. It does not mean anything bad, because the less dominant part still has a say in a friendship, just like in a loving relationship, but the less dominant one is likely to give in and accept decisions and feels fine with that.
So, for us it was only stating the obvious, that we had my husband as head of household and me as his submissive, who follows his lead. And, oh my, today I am really trying to annoy many,  for us it is even trickier, because we have a Master/slave relationship. Oh no! Oh YESSS! The best thing ever, for him and me. Still, we are in a loving relationship. I am a human being and want to feel accepted as a partner, too. Wait a minute,  is that possible? Yes, it is, if you are in a relationship where you can really talk and communicate freely with your partner, it is.
I am the one who obeys, but I can communicate with hubby. He listens closely to my input, he considers every word of what I say and then he decides about matters. We actually DISCUSS matters, we are hotheaded when it comes to that, talk, agree, disagree, with vehemence, wholeheartedly, sometimes more like the cliché of the Italian couple where plates fly through the air. Ok, we don't go that far, and we always show respect and love, but my point is, I have a say in everything that touches our relationship. And still, I do not decide anything. My husband and Master decides. I gave that privilege/burden to him and I showed my endless trust and love with that too ... and for me, it feels good.

It is my conviction that many modern women have lost the connection to their inner self, they do not heed their instincts and very often this appears to be because it is not politically correct; what would the others say, if I asked my partner to be allowed to have a night out with the girls? The guys are not better there, by the way. I think in many cases, modern men are not up to the task of leading a family anymore because it is not politically correct to demand something like 'I want to know where you go, when you are back and who is going to be with you' from their female partner. I think many put such things into the category political rights, whereas I would always put it into the category relationships/our way to happiness. As a partner I think that the dynamics between hubby and me should not be based on politics. I would not be happy that way, neither would he be. ... And in many others I have this feeling they are not happy either, because they feel insecure, maybe they want to listen to their heart, which tells them 'submit to him, trust him', but their brains tells them 'you are an independent woman and therefore you don't have to ask your husband about anything'.

Nevertheless, I am convinced that most women have this desire to find someone who helps them find their role, and I believe that in the majority of women this would include something like managing home and family. I also believe that in general most women are somehow looking for the strong partner, who protects them, who keeps them safe and secure, who allows them to be vulnerable and does not ridicule that but cherishes it as a valuable trait. Someone who cares and brings them back down to earth in moments of crisis. For me these are things dominant partners do.... But where are those? Ha, I have married one, but there are many men who would be dominants, but they do not dare to, because what is inherent in them has been subdued from an early age on.This does not mean that women cannot be dominant partners, though I believe that chances are higher that men show dominant traits. The problem with that is, if men do, they are usually viewed as somebody oldfashioned  or even misogynic. Therefore, most men do not even dare to show such characteristics in public.
The result of these developments are many men and women who feel deeply insecure because they do not know which role they feel comfortable with and often they have no clue of how to communicate what they really need in their lives.

If I have hurt anybody's feelings with what I have written, I apologize for that, because it is not my intention to cause trouble of any kind. Mind, I do not apologize for my opinion, but I am always open for discussion.

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