When he is stern I grow soft and want to go surfing

Finally, I am coming back to submissiveness, to the way I experience it sometimes  …. and also to a wee bit of communication. You have not expected me to skip communication completely so soon, have you? But I am seriously coming back to an observation that applies to me, as a submissive, not as a cheeky wife. 

Maybe you can imagine that I like watching hubby/Master. I am not doing it like a biologist would investigate a rare species, like ‘here we can see the exceptionally endangered species of the dominant in his natural habitat. To feel comfortable he needs a submissive female for mating…. ‘ Sorry, the submissive female got carried away a little. :)

But when I get the chance to observe hubby when he shows more of his dominance than in other moments, this has an impact on me.

 

When talking is a privilege … it can be taken away

As you maybe know, one of the most important aspects in our relationship is connected to communication. There are certain rituals that we often connect with me talking to Master. Here, I absolutely talk about the Master because the rituals that we have are a part of our D/s half of the relationship. There are moments where this does not apply, although the privilege of rather free communication to my Master is something that he could revoke any time. And it happens. If Master tells me to, I have to stop talking and keep quiet until his wishes change. 

According to the impression which I have left in my blog texts lately, you could assume that I am only this spoiled and sometimes man-bashing all hat and no cattle sub/housewife/whatever,  who is randomly rambling riotously (I love rhetorical devices).  Actually this is just an expression of my happy-go-lucky mentality which I have got a lot of inside me though it is not as unrestricted as it might sometimes appear in my writings.  

 However, the bottom line of all that happens is: whatever I have the privilege to be allowed to do, I always know it is a privilege and it can be taken away, anytime, if my Master desires that. 

Don’t worry, I am as happy as can be, because Master is the best I could wish for. But since he and I consider talking and communicating with each other a need, you can easily see what a potent way of controlling me such a restriction can be. And he uses this restriction to our mutual advantage at times and can virtually turn me emotionally upside down with it, if he wants to.

A glimpse of his dark side

:( They are showing Star Wars on tv here tonight (31st January) and hubby wanted to watch this. Ehm, that’s not his 'dark side', no, but when Master exerts his dominance in a certain way, this can be sort of creepy. Don’t get me wrong, I am never ever afraid of my partner; none of us would like that. But he can change the tone of his voice from friendly, amiable, easy-going in the one second, to strict, demanding, colder (if needed) and claiming in the other.  When he does that, it is with the corresponding attitude, that any resistance or any form of disobedience is an offence and will be punished. Hubby/Master is not strict with me like some would imagine, where every little mistake would directly lead to endless torture and punishment; that's probably only a prejudice those have, who don't know how people can live together in a good relationship. After all, he and I have a good way of life together (I really mean t o g e t h e r). But generally speaking, I have to and must obey, even if he is in his easy-going mode, because there are lines which I should better not cross or 'klick' the stricter and very serious 'dark' - and caring- side is out in the open and ready for action ... with a lot of love, though.

The change of voice usually corresponds with a change in his eyes. They are not necessarily friendly then. They can be, depending on the situation, but he could also have a look in his eyes that makes clear that he as a person expects obedience from me without reservation and more than at other times. You can really see that he is not playing games then.

It always leaves a major impression on me when he does that, and I don’t have the feeling that I could change any of my reactions (not that I wanted to). I can see that he means business and is not fooling around with me. 

Cuddling with the dark side 

So I submit and enjoy it. Usually this is simply a reaction that happens and I want it to happen too, because it feels right for me. I think I have described a little of this before, in my text on triggers. I feel good in these moments and somewhere deep inside there is a satisfaction because of these moments when Master exerts his dominance and I willingly and gladly obey, which causes incredible emotions. I mean, I am together with the love of my life and he is absolutely in charge of everything. Whenever I experience that consciously it is like feeling 'whole', at peace and in harmony with him and myself. Admittedly, usually there is no reflection of self while this is going on, it just happens and all I do is go with the flow, because it feels like the only right thing to do. If anything, it is the place you want to be in because it's as close to the perfect moment as anything can ever be. 

Still, there are more other feelings and these differ. Of course, very often, there is a strong erotic notion and I love that. Then again there are situations where I do not feel less the erotic energy while Master dominates me but more so just enjoy the moment and that I please him with what I do. I enjoy pure obedience in these moments. It is as if you can feel it physically;  as if I am filled with it and it leaves my stomach tingling in a lovely way, too. I know, I sound weird again, but that's what cuddling with the 'dark' side is like for me. If only everybody could experience that, I think that many people would start talking and being close together again, just to get this feeling back. I think it is higly addictive in a very healthy way.

The space you can enter without walking

When Master pushes into this direction, it also creates an increased awareness of the situation we are in, obviously. You just have to connect his claims and the strong drive behind that, sometimes the effect of my speech restriction because he said so and add other non-verbal submissive acts, such as kneeling and being ordered around. I can sometimes see that Master is positively affected by these actions too, and it is definitely true for me. Master can push me in that direction and the more I relax (sexual stimulation helps :) ), the easier it becomes. Sooner or later, I feel like everything happens in slow motion, every sensation that happens is intensified, respectively, there are some sensations, like pain, which I do not recognize as such. Even if I'd be allowed to talk, I'd be pretty monosyllabic once I have reached that space. Well, my ability to talk is still there, though I don't want to and cannot concentrate on answering complicated things then. 

I am aware of everything, maybe some things are sort of warped, but I think I am not in a trance. However according to how much the way I experience sensations changes, I cannot be far away either.  I am not referring to sub space yet. That's a step further down the road for me. I need a lot of time and physical sensation to get there and once there, I won't talk and can only go surfing through the stars instead. That's a moment when I feel kind of 'infinite'.