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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Me speak woman - me no speak man :)

I admit that I am biased, prejudiced, use stereotypes and am currently in the mood to show how superior female communication skills are  … just teasing, gentlemen. I’ll ask hubby later on why teasing men this way is so much fun, and I’ll get a short three word answer, because the reason will be so logical.
When you look at how communication between the sexes works, you can see that the reason for communication is already different between men and women. Men communicate first of all, to report a problem and to find a way to solve that. Once the job is completed, they go and watch football with some pals. No word spoken for the rest of the night, because those two, three or more guys can connect via electronic means, or just by sitting on the sofa and drinking lager, non-verbally, by supporting the same team. They are all good friends, connection completed. Words spoken in 24 hours: 150.
Women communicate often because they need the exchange as a means to give support to others, to receive support from their friends, to connect to others. Being together with friends, talking about everything is not because you want all the information and then go home. Tea with friends is an event, because you can connect, you feel better because you are with them and share how you and they feel. I am perfectly able to describe the innermost of myself in words, but it takes time and many words to do so. Talking to each other is a way to make you feel good. Imagine how good it feels if you hear how your friends share ideas, have similar views on things. In a way, I can see where my friends and I stand emotionally and in relation to each other. It is a never ending process of relating to each other and creates heaps of happy hormones. Words spoken in 24 hours: 12500.

He: “Did you come?”
She: “How subtle ?!. I don’t want kids from you any longer!”
If she had not been tired before, she will be now, because this question is so insensitive; for me this ranges next to “Have you got your period?!”

Non-verbal communication
He, in a moment of emotional closeness, hugs her long and tight. Translation men-women:  “I love you so much”
She appreciates the moment of connection, is looking for the meaning behind it, but does not necessarily see the hug as his weekly utterance of ‘I love you’. Instead she complains to her best friend, because her partner never talks to her and never says ‘I love you endlessly.’ She is distressed and he does not even know why, because he has expressed his feelings non-verbally. Now, that’s a dilemma, because non-verbal communication is great and women like that, because it can be so symbolic, but not when it comes to expressing degrees of love. 
How do you express the degree of love towards your partner non-verbally? Ever tried that? A kiss= a little? Smack on the bottom=More than average? Outright shagging= endless love, ooh, here it comes, baby? (I have asked hubby, I was allowed to use the indecent word for dramatic effect).

Gentlemen, sexual intercourse is not the same as love. That’s another misconception of yours. It is a great way to connect, to show intimacy and can add to love and it would not feel right for me with someone I did not love, but the emotion is not the same as the physical act.

For me, non-verbal communication simply is not good enough to exchange how much you love someone. It is the wrong way. I for one need to hear that so that I can understand it and connect to my partner. Speaking about non-verbal: Flowers are a nice supplement to express love, and I love that, but if you get flowers every week, instead of the words “I love you”, it just is not enough and becomes less meaningful. But it is still nice and lovely to get them now and then..
Actually, my idea about non-verbal communication and men is, that they are not worse or better than women, just like in most other areas, the training and mental makeup that men and women have is probably just different. Therefore, I think that women can read some non-verbal better which men do not even see and vice versa.

How do you deal with stress?
If hubby is stressed, he would often try to find a place for himself, he would talk less, and he would not like to talk about what stresses him. He wants to relax then, no talking, nobody around, not even me, which I hate a lot, because I always have this feeling I could help, or at least I’d try and show sympathy, if nothing else. Instead, he wants to have this time for himself and usually he comes  up with a solution again, later. The second annoying bit here is that male communication kicks in immediately afterwards and it might happen that I never find out why he was so quiet. Instead I’d get a short explanation on the solution he found for the problem he had pondered. Maybe I do not even get the chance to see how much of a problem he had. (Sir, no criticism, I am dramatising).
For me, dealing with stress would be the other way round. I’d look for hubby to talk to, to go through every detail of what created the stress, I’d need the support from him, the sympathy and the knowledge that he is there for me and that he really listens to me. When I have unburdened my heart to him or a good friend, I feel better again and everything is better again. See? Opposites attract.

Let me tell you … vs. you should know what I want
Ok, let me contradict myself a little now. Women talk more in a day than men. But when it comes to expressing their needs and wants to their partner, I have the feeling that men are so much better. Maybe I just project to how it has always been for me and turn it into a general statement. But some of my (female) friends share my idea. This is connected to a sentence hubby uses again and again on me. “If you want it, ask for it.” This is not meant in the D/s sense, which it could have. No, there is a different approach of how men and women communicate what they want. Men just say it. No problem, no second underlying meaning, just the plain fact. Sometimes this could lead directly into conflict, because I am used to hubby reading me, which he is awfully good at. And then suddenly there is this moment again, where he did not read me properly. This coincides with the moment where I did not speak, although I should have, according to hubby. Why should I? I expect hubby to know what I want. Usually it just works, but not always and I also know that I am blessed with hubby because he can read me most times. Still, I have to state what I want or need and sometimes I do.
Imagine how many misunderstandings you would see, if husband was a bad wife-reader and wife had my highly spoiled expectations to be read by her husband. So, the basic problem is, women have to state what they want, just the way men do. But don’t appear demanding either, because that would create different problems.

Jo and Jane
As you know, misunderstanding each other is easy. The reasons are many, but one of the major differences in the way men and women communicate is that men tend to detach emotion from thoughts and most activities they do. And where men tend to connect some –more or less- logical reason to their actions, they don’t see the need to communicate much about it. Women’s communication does not work that way, usually. If you go through a house or flat where everything was arranged by a woman, you can see the love for detail in it. I am talking about the tendency of it, of course, this is not an inflexible rule. With women’s communication it is similar. Where Jo would just see that it is logical for him and not lose a word about it, Jane would ask about details. Everything has a meaning, at least that’s the first thought that would come up. What’s the meaning behind the first layer of information. She would ask why and how someone came to this conclusion or what your thoughts were while you pondered the problem. And Jo? Jo only looks for the result. 

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