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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Why do submissives end up doing so much oral?

I know, according to my list of labels, I was doomed to come back to a topic like this again. Over the last weeks, whenever I have written texts where I give a few details about our sex-life, I had this feeling of turning more and more into a sex-driven sex-slave with a sex-blog. ... Hopefully not, because I don't want to be reduced to that.

Well, I like sex, but the primary pleasure that I get from serving my owner is not sexual release. Apart from loving him, I do all for him because I like love serving and obeying him. But I also admit that sex plays an important role in this and it is not always there solely to connect with your partner.  It is also like an instrument for him that he can use to do with me whatever he decides to, especially to show me my place in our life. And, you surely guessed that, one very characteristic activity that my husband and Master has me do again and again for him, is oral sex.

What my friends say

I have discussed doing oral in a relationship with my (female) friends. They all said that they do it, but how often or how much they like it, differs enormously. For some it is fun, others do it because they want to do it for their partner only, one friend said she does it, because she feels in charge when she is doing oral with her partner, because she decides when or if he can orgasm then. She likes it when her partner is at her mercy. Don't forget where her teeth are in that moment. :)  And then there is my also-submissive friend who I talked to and she also said that she is on her knees more than ever, doing fellatio to her dominant partner.

Why dominants get more of it

Obviously, our dominant partners like it a lot. And we, as submissives, do not believe that they love it more than other dominant partners, who live in vanilla relationships. Instead, the idea that we both had was that our partners get it as often as they want to, because they can decide about what we do for them. Therefore it appears more like vanilla men get oral sex less often from their female partners, because their women are not submissives for them. Although some might read a form of criticism in what I just wrote, it is not meant as such from my side. Personally, I admit that I do as told by hubby/Master. But this is not because I am weak-willed or anything like that. Neither am I forced to act against my will or convictions. On the contrary, I derive most pleasure out of serving and doing as told, fellatio included, because I love it when I can please my Master with that.

Is it a submissive act?

Another reason why performing oral feels great for me, is that I see this as a submissive way of doing  sex  with a dominant partner. As much as hubby likes me on my knees and serving him this way, I like to do that for him, too. Sexually, I can do something for him only. It is arousing for me too, when I do that for him, especially when I have the chance to watch him a bit, but the orgasm that he gets is done by me for him exclusively, without the immediate return of the favour.
But, according to one of my non-sub friends, oral sex is not submissive, on the contrary, for her it is an act of dominance, where the performing partner is in control and the other one submits to her power.

You should have seen Master's face when I told him that. The expression changed from disbelief to denial, to understanding and then to a sardonic smile when he told me that he would like to test the theory with me, now. :) I needed some time to stop laughing, but also felt a little submissive, because he had me on my knees and told me what to do.  But I can also understand her point of view opinion. (bad choice of words with this example just one line earlier)

Fellatio is not a valid reason to enter a D/s relationship

I particularly want to stress that I do not advertise for anybody to enter a D/s relationship out of this rather silly reason. A D/s relationship comprises a lot of responsibilities from both partners, though personally I believe that the responsibility of the dominant partner towards the sub is bigger than the other way round. My main reason to say this is because most of the time the submissive partner receives what the dom dishes out. Usually, the sub is waxed, bound, beaten, pinched, experiences sensory deprivation, has to cope with all kinds of sensations. Some of these are potentially dangerous, if performed in an irresponsible way. So, if you are only out for fellatio, talk to your partner about it.
You should not have to change your relationship, to get oral sex, if that is what you enjoy. Talk to your partner and as weird as it might sound, try negotiating. This could be the beginning of more intimacy in your relationship, just because you get to know more about your partner's needs as well.

If you are interested in changing the dynamics of your relationship, do it out of the right reasons, i.e. fulfil your partner's real needs, do not start D/s just for one specific sexual position. But if you are interested in a deeper understanding, more trust, more intimacy, more care and a far better connection between your partner and yourself, then I would recommend D/s and/or DD - with a partner who can handle the responsibility that comes with it. Oh, and the sex is not bad either....

P.S. I would like to recommend the Discipline and Love forum once more, because you'll find open-minded, lovely people there and it has a section about sexual discussions, where you might find additional information.

Something I have wanted to write all the time and never did before:

Whenever I refer to dominant or submissive partners, I usually use 'he' for the dominant and 'she' for the submissive. This is because of the experiences from hubby's and my relationship, where he is dominant and I am submissive. I don't want to belittle or degrade any other possible form of relationship, neither one where a woman is the HOH, nor same-sex relationships. The form I choose in my blog is just used because I find it most convenient. This is also the only reason why I used fellatio and left out the term cunnilingus completely.


  1. Interesting comments. I find the D/s relationship is so much more deeper than that. Regardless of the physical aspects the relationship is very much about trust and respect.

  2. Hello,
    Thank you for your comment. Yes, I agree completely. The way you are together with a partner in a D/s relationship requires that. There has to be a lot of communication going on to make it work as good as possible.


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