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Saturday, January 11, 2014

Where is my dictionary woman-man / man-woman?

While I start writing, I am still annoyed with hubby. I know it is just squeamishness from my side, and I am surprised by my own reaction (it's not the hormones), but he really made me angry. Hubby knows, he assured me that he did not want to hurt my feelings with it but basically he shrugged it off. <- a typcial male reaction! I think he did it because the situation is a simple men-women misunderstanding or a case of failed communication. Usually I would not even be on the computer and write at all on Saturdays, but hubby allowed me to do that to cool down again. The alternative could be running through the woods or a spanking to let my frustration out. I'll consider that later.

My chocolate treat
This morning after breakfast I took out a big bar of chocolate. If you have been reading about my relationship to chocolate and my bum, you already know the direction this is going to take. It is silly and it is not going to be better soon. Ok, the bar of chocolate was part of a Christmas present from a friend, a big piece of pure luxury and pleasure, white and sweet, something to enjoy in a relaxed moment, which I thought we had. The dining room was all clear, everything was fine and I took this out to eat a little piece of it. The idea behind it was to have some for every day of the upcoming week, so that I could enjoy it over a longer period of time. Not like stuffing it all in because it can help release happy hormones. I was sitting at the table, all focused on my treat, looked at it, enjoyed the wrapping, enjoyed the looks of the chocolate, which was almost too good to be broken and eaten, and had finally decided from which of the corners I wanted to break the first piece.

And hubby said "You should not eat it, too much fat and sugar are bad for you. They could make you fat."

Thank you very much, that felt like a bucket of ice-cold water poured out over me. I know that he did not mean it the way I understood it, I really do know and rationally (yes, I mean that word) all should be fine, but emotionally that felt like bad criticism for me. It still does. I am still asking myself, how could he be so insensitive. Maybe I feel that way because he did not realize how much I had been looking forward to this moment where I would give myself a little treat, saved from Christmas for the right moment. Maybe he forgot that I have an issue with my looks now and then. I guess he caught me on the wrong foot, so it was sort of bad timing.
We'll talk about that later on, I know that. Nevertheless, I feel blessed that I am Master's, because he usually has a way with women which is lovely and misunderstandings like this one today are rare. But they exist and in other relationships they are a major reason for irritation or a source of endless jokes.

What men and women do differently
According to my own observations to what hubby and other men tend to do in these moments, hubby just wanted to pass on the piece of information. No second thought, no other message intended or implied. What I made out of it is what the vast majority of women also would have done. We are almost always looking for additional messages, scrutinizing the different layers of the original words and trying to figure out deeper meanings. Maybe the idea behind this exchange of ostensible facts is already the main problem. If I tell my friend (female) that I enjoyed something a lot, it might be that only two weeks earlier I had another opinion about it. Ok, she would not ask much about the why because she would understand that the feelings connected to this have changed and I want to express that. We are talking Meta in that moment. Difficult for me to explain, because usually it just happens and we never think much about it. If the feelings that we connect to something change, our opinion would also change radically. From my experience I can only say it happens all the time.  Maybe you liked the blue shirt two weeks ago, but then there came this guy in a similar blue shirt and he was all unfriendly. If you connect unfriendly and blue shirt, you have a perfectly good reason to hate that blue shirt and guys with a moustache, if he had one. Even more likely is this change if it is connected to people, friends, family. 

Predictable hubby (...and I love you for that, too)
I think that men are different when it comes to those things. When I experience changes in hubby's opinion, they are usually based on rationally comprehensible reasons. So, if you asked him why, he could give you the answer. 'The reason for my change of opinion is the taxraise.' Ah, ok, numbers. In addition to that, I think that hubby would not change his opinion often. He is predictable when it comes to that, which I like.

Unpredictable Nina (...for men)
If you want to know from me, why I suddenly hate going to the restaurant that we have been to before, and I enjoyed it, I even might be at a loss about giving the answer at first, because I never had the intention to explain that in detail. It does only take a moment more, before I realize the why though. But try to explain anybody not female that a subconscious connection between the colour of the waiter's shirt and some other experience at the last evening in the restaurant let you change your opinion. Between friends you would first of all want them to relate and to feel with you. The message that I need to get across in such a moment is, I hate it NOW and my feelings have changed. And then we can start to explore other reasons, which  might not always appear completely clear at first sight - to a man.

Writing this helped a lot and I am going to enjoy my chocolate now. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and whatever you do, be safe, sane and consensual.


  1. Hello, I've just found your blog from Hermione.
    I love chocolate. It is my big weakness.

  2. Hi DF,
    I've just read your debit or credit text, yes, chocolate is important at times for me too, just as it is for you. It is not that I am a stuffer or overeating, though I think some readers got that idea from past entries of mine. But chocolate really can make the difference sometimes, whether a day is good or bad. yummy yummy. It's great that you have been here, I really appreaciate that, thank you :)



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