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Friday, January 3, 2014

go get the brush and arnica

Last night when my hubby came home,  I was already a complete mess. Sometimes there are days where I have more trouble in dealing with imminent punishments. I had a long afternoon to prepare mentally for the upcoming event, but the result of it was only that I felt awful. I had done everything I should not do, like annoyed my husband/Master, worked against rules that we had introduced because of me having problems in some areas of life, me being out of focus, with the wrong attitude and me being disobedient, as a result.

In the evening, when the time of Master's return was close, I had finished all housework, as usual. Dinner was prepared, I was looking my best, to leave a good impression and in my head I had already hit rock bottom and I was tense and fidgety, because all thoughts were centered around a bad punishment that was to come soon. There are always feelings that come up when you are due to be punished, but this time it felt awfully intense, in the wrong way. I have times, where I gladly accept any punishment, because I am in line with what's coming. And then there is a day like yesterday, when all is a mess. I had not reached this point of deeper understanding then, which made the whole situation far more difficult, because on a superficial level I knew well that it was my own doing that had led to this; well, deep within I knew that too, but I had not completely accepted this yet.

When Master arrived, he had dinner first. I served it, trying to be my best, and I was glad that he had dinner first, because the punishments are usually a little bit harder when he is hungry. Afterwards he immediately told me to bring the hairbrush and arnica ointment and I could see that he meant business, as I had already expected. I did as told, feeling pretty meek and before I undressed for the punishment, I apologized for my behaviour and for my disobedience. I did not do that to avoid any part of what was coming, I meant it. At that time I had finally reached this point when you accept your fate and have come to terms with it. I would have liked that earlier in the afternoon, because it helps a little and usually I am less nervous then and just want the punishment to be over, because it has to happen and it feels right.
Don't get me wrong here, I still hate punishments. I love being beaten for pleasure until I am in heaven, but that feels fantastic, whereas punishment is only something to avoid and if you behave decently it is not difficult to do. Nevertheless, I don't believe that I would ever want to be without punishments either, because we have always seen the positive effects they had on us. If I did not have them, I would feel as if I could go unchecked, which would ruin our lives.
Our way of doing punishments is rather straightforward, hubby and I know what the rules are, what happens if they are broken and we don't have nonsense rules. They are meant to help. The effects of rules and impending punishment, if they are broken, are something I can only describe as absolutely positive. Living together is easier that way, for sure, but the best, and in my eyes most important effect is the incredible intimacy that we derive from this.
Master and I know exactly what our needs are, what we need from each other, apart from love. We love each other endlessly, and that has always been best, but if the rest of our lives would have been badly organised, nothing would work out, if we had no other mutual interests, we would have had a hard time and a rather turbulent life. Well, there is enough turbulent life here, at times, but that's fine, because we have a lot of structure, which helps us both. But I know that I need this far more than hubby and since I have trouble in structuring my life well enough without some incentive and help, I am glad that hubby is there. Sometimes he calls me captain chaos, it is just part of our teasing and bantering but this title is not undeserved ...., while he is usually well-organised, sticks to agreements, maintains a constant overview and always knows what to do if things go wrong, emergencies included. Well, well, opposites attract, obviously. I think hubby would have made a fantastic emergency doctor, because he has this ability to keep cool in difficult situations.

Well, after I had apologized I undressed, which is part of our ritual for punishment. It was all there, the culprit, the judge, the hairbrush and the arnica ointment. The trial was opened, the culprit (me) got lectured and the sentence was a very badly heated bottom. In the end my bottom  looked like 50 shades of pink. It felt awful, what a surprise, but afterwards I did not get cornertime, another surprise, instead I was hugged and Master told me that I had taken it well. It was over and dealt with. No more reason to make a fuss about it.
 I still cannot sit too well, but during the spanking I felt how much strain had built up, frustration, some anger and I could let it all go. The relief from it was so intense that I felt completely liberated towards the end of the spanking. Having Master find nice words for me immediately afterwards, felt good, too. As a result, I really cannot recommend starting trouble, but the relief you feel afterwards, or even during the spanking, the feeling that you made up for your mistake and the complete turn around from being fidgety and nervous to being calm and relaxed, are all tremendous. To have my hubby and Master who takes care of me like this, to have somebody who is actually willing to do the job that needs to be done, means a lot to me, I see this as additional proof of his love for me. And if you experience this swing of emotional states during one day and there is somebody to catch you, who understands you and can give comfort and the structure you need, it is a fantastic feeling, too. Harsh as punishments might be, they are not only a way of dealing with trouble, they are also a way for us to create additional intimacy. There is no other who would do the things we do to me, who would open himself to me like I do to him, and therefore, I am endlessly grateful that I have my husband and Master. So, now, with some marks and a little pain in my bum, I am all relaxed and glad that everything got cleared again last night and I simply feel better and definitely more connected to my husband than before last night.

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