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Saturday, January 4, 2014

abuse versus consent

Since I have started blogging here, I have found out  that somehow my thoughts start to revolve around the question why we do the things we do and  also around where the line between abuse and consent might be for us. Why is it good for us what we do and why is it not one-sided, where Master's slave is beaten and suffers unhappily while Master might enjoy his unchecked power and harm his slave. If it were like that (thank God it is not!) it would be the typical victim and offender combination and then this relationship would be abusive.
The shortest answer is, what we do is consensual. Ok, but this does not really explain much yet. What does consensual mean for me? For my owner? For you? The longer answer is closely connected to communication and respect for each other.

If consensual has any meaning at all, it must include respect between the two who agree on the things they do, otherwise it would not be an agreement, but a dictation. Yes, we consider ourselves Master and slavegirl, and yes, Master can order me around at his leasure, he can make me do all he wants to, humiliation included. I issued my owner a blank cheque when I became his and I am not even good as a negotiation partner, so he was at an advantage from the beginning and could surely have pushed me into doing things I would not like to do. But he did not. Master's main interest is my well-being above all. I can feel that all the time, even during punishments. We are in love and married, but still D/s is a vital part of our relationship, it has always been. Still, he has never ever been abusive, so, e.g. when we had scenes that included a little bit of humiliation, the line between humiliation and degradation is sometimes rather difficult to spot. He would maybe give me some humiliating comments, would let me do things he knows I consider humiliating, but he would not cross the line and hurt my feelings, damage our mutual respect for each other, let me feel inferior as a human being. These are all degrading characteristics and none of us would consider that consensual, therefore it does not happen. After all, being in a relationship, no matter whether it is D/s or not, should be to care for the other one, to enhance the time we can be together for both.
There are many other points that show the difference between being consensual or being abusive but here is some food for thought: Can you stop whatever activity is going on, if you feel that you have to? If not, you are a victim and the activity must be abusive. Master and I have not talked about safewords for ages, and I tend to say that I don't need them. The truth behind this is that the idea about being a slavegirl might have different connotations for you, me, anybody. Some say as a slavegirl I gave responsibility into the hands of my Master. I agree with that. Still, former safewords are there, I could use them and Master would stop immediately. Actually I don't have to refer to a safeword any longer. If I communicated that I am not able to cope with the situation, he would stop. Sometimes it is only bodylanguage that is needed. Every kind of communication is vital. This is one of the major demands that my Master expects me to meet. I can do all kinds of nonsense, but he will freak-out if I fail to communicate about my well-being intentionally. I am glad about that, it helps me to feel safe.
If you have browsed through some of my other texts, you might have noticed that I am sometimes challenged when it comes to communicating what I feel like. With this I refer to conditions where I have not realized what might be going on with me. Master knows that, I know that and we work on it. But I would not once forget to tell him that I am mortally afraid, or close to a panic attack or something like that. If it helps, use numbers one to ten. One - all is fine, completely relaxed; ten - pure panic, fear of death, STOP NOW!!! You can also use colours, like yellow for close to the edge  (would be around number 8) and red for stop immediately (that's a 10). You get the idea. Whatever you do, talk. I can only stress that, not only during scenes, talk about everything in your relationship, find ways to communicate, because then chances are considerably higher that you will never experience abusive situations at all. ... And it feels lovely, you can connect, get to know each other better than many others will ever be able to.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not trying to set up any rule telling anybody what they should like or dislike. If your mental make up is different from mine, you might derive pleasure from all kinds of things that I wouldn't enjoy and vice versa. If degradation is part of your needs and wants and you agreed out of your free will, mentally stable and with a clear idea of what this means, I am not in a position to say your kink is better or worse than mine. But whatever you do, stick to safe, sane, consensual.

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