Trust

Subs and dominants

Trust is an important issue, in any relationship. But if your relationship involves DD or something like bondage, it is even more important. Trust is something that you need as a sub and as a dominant. Imagine, the dominant partner places his trust in a sub, she tells him that she has had consensual beatings in the past and can cope with that. During the scene it turns out that there is some trauma that she connects with being beaten and has a break-down. I made this example up, but if you imagine the situation, it must be horrible, for the dominant as well as for the sub.

On the other hand, if you are submissive and place your trust in your dominant partner, you should better be sure that you are allowed to trust him. If not, the results could be a real catastrophe. Imagine yourself bound and helpless, which is when you are vulnerable and should be able to enjoy what is going on, and then all goes into the wrong direction. You could be robbed, which is more or less easy to bear, because no actual physical harm has been done. But you could also end up abused physically and mentally.

I am no expert on how to contact dominant partners and learn how to trust them, because my husband also is my Master and we have complete trust in each other, so I never had to think much about trust with my partner. It is there and strongly so. 
But common sense would tell me, in a situation where I would get to know a potential partner to play with, that I have to tell a real friend where I am, with whom and I’d have phone nearby and have a friend call me, to check whether all is ok. This is the least to do, I think. There could be enough other problems that you could not solve by being phoned, but I would not go anywhere without some kind of backup. I keep doing a lot of silly things, but would try to prevent potentially life-threatening situations before they could arise.

Of course, before you have a scene, there is much more to do, you have to get to know each other, find out about your potential partner and negotiate what you want to do in a scene, you have to talk about safety, find safewords, at least note down the basics of what you negotiated before you start.

Men and women

I think that there are differences in how men and women trust their partners. If a man trusts somebody, I sometimes have this feeling that there are dozens of drawers, one for each kind of activity or issue, just like there appear to be different categories of trust for men. As a result, this man trusts his friend Joe when it comes to expert-advice on machines and his friend Jim on expert-advice on women. Jim is the one who is married! Do I sound prejudiced? Nah, can’t be, women never have prejudices …. (I apologize half-heartedly; it is just the hormones…).

Then there is another drawer, the BIGGEST DRAWER, and that has written SEX on it. I am not a man-eating slut, but nevertheless, sooner or later you are in a situation where you meet some man who would go and have sex with you immediately. Try a night in the disco and count the phone numbers that you collected. If you wanted to, you could have another sex-partner (not a lover, for sure) every day of the year. Not my cup of tea, but you get the message. The point here is that many (most? Seriously, I don’t know) men are easy to manipulate by means of sexual attraction (Master says: most men). They really would go into a hotel and let you bind them, so that you could rob them after they are bound and helpless.

I mean, how could men do that? I would not even put my handbag out of my hand in the presence of somebody I would not feel safe or well with, and surely would not let me be bound by somebody I got to know only ten minutes earlier between two Margueritas.

But if I trust somebody, I do that without any differentiation. It is more like all or nothing for me. Maybe I am trust-challenged here, but then I am not the only one. Doesn’t make it any better, I know. If women have come to trust their partner, they would trust him with the money, they would believe all, or most, of what he says and definitely trust him during sex, let him do what he wants, or trust him enough to believe that he stops if she doesn’t want to go on. Nevertheless, in most cases it would take longer than ten minutes to earn that trust. But if you end up with a one night stand after a night out, either you know what you did, or you placed your trust in the wrong hands. This would feel like betrayal for me, and I would feel seriously hurt. But that’s because I cannot separate sex from being emotionally involved, just like most (many?) other women.