Self-esteem, control, BDSM and our personal blend

One of the great myths concerning subs and bdsm is probably that subs are weak characters with low self-esteem. I don’t think so. The self-esteem issues that I might have are not different from those of millions of other women and in my case they are about my body and looks and though I have not come to terms with myself in that area, I am fully aware of my problem and can talk about it, even laugh about it sometimes. I am also prone to doubting myself in other areas now and then, and still I have this idea that’s normal too, because we change, we learn and are subject to experiences we cannot avoid and we are not always in best form. But these issues  are definitely not like ‘I have to let him do all he wants with me or he won’t love me, because I am not worthy of his love’. 

Besides, imagine what it would tell about the dominant partner if he had such a sub and would let her believe this.

My idea is that the average submissive is one with an above average self-esteem, at least if she is aware of what she is doing, namely giving away control to her partner. If she is not aware and only does so because she is afraid of being left, she should consider her situation anyway. I don’t want to be unfair though, and imagining anybody in that hopeless situation makes me sad. My first impulse would be either ‘get away from him’ or ‘fight for yourself’. I am not a good fighter myself, but I would not accept endless misery either.

For me, submission was a choice, because I trust my husband and Master. I think it was one of the last really important decisions that I had to do, because afterwards he took over. Not completely though, because he simply doesn't have the time to decide on everything and Master is not even here continuously. Still, he always could decide over me, if he wanted to. There have been probes from his side repeatedly, to see where we stand, how I coped with my changed status as his slavegirl. Since we are also married, the dynamics we have established might appear strange to others, because I am still considered a human being (I simply can’t resist such lines), with a lot of emotions in her and always willing to show that in the wrong moments. :) No lifetime imprisonment, no dog food,  not even leather outfits outside the house, oh my god, we are so boringly common… and it feels fantastic.

We had talked what my decision would mean for us, and I never had doubts that he is the right man to give all control to. Master appreciates me and is able to enjoy what I have given him. This does not mean that I don’t get disciplined if he decides that way, especially if I misbehave, of course, and it is not always sunshine and roses, just like in any other relationship. But I was told before what he expected and he tried to show the difficulties that might arise from my decision to let him have control over me. So, I was aware and decided willingly and well-informed. I did not have the feeling that he had blackmailed me into an unwanted kind of relationship and time has proven that we did the right thing.

Low self-esteem? No, often it is the other way round. I believe that what Master and I have, strengthens our self-esteem. This is probably the same for most DD or D/s people out there, especially if you are in a loving relationship. I have had numerous moments where I was close to overflowing with pride because my loving Master has shown me once more how good I had become in sticking to important rules and especially in sticking to structures that helped me stay away from the chaos that I had to deal with before. Of course, I would feel down too, if I had the feeling that I had let him down, and sooner or later I would probably have thoughts like ‘I am not good enough for him’, if I had an ongoing period of time full of failures. Everybody would! But that’s where I am not left alone. There is my partner who cares, who protects me, who loves me and wants to help me improve and be happy. Does that mean he shows me the easy way out of problems? Like avoidance? No, he helps me to solve problems, to find ways to deal with issues, so that I can negotiate a problem and leave it behind. This makes me stronger again. This is what happens in relationships, whatever the dynamics behind them are. In any relationship worth being in, both partners would watch each other’s well-being closely, all the time. I know, this is my romantic self speaking, and there are also subs and doms who are not in a loving relationship. I guess most of what I have written applies to them as well, because if they want to play in a safe, sane and consensual way, they are bound to negotiate what they want to do in a scene. Could the sub take humiliation? The dom would have to find out, because we can assume he would not want to cause harm.

Self-esteem is, once again, one of those topics where I have problems in finding the right words. And since I am in the submissive position, I have this urge to look at it closely, because from a dominant partner I would expect to leave an impression of power, which I would connect with him having enough self-esteem to exert power over me. As the submissive partner, I have given that power to him –willingly- and therefore I am not some weak-willed or fearful  wimp. That’s why I cannot bring those ideas of submissives as those with low self-esteem and doms as those who are close to bursting from arrogance and an overdose of self-esteem, together. The dominant partner surely should have a high enough self-esteem to handle his sub appropriately, but should not consider himself too high above her.  As far as I can see, in general, stories about subs who show low self-esteem all the time are still only prejudices and do not even come close to reality in a healthy bdsm environment, because a healthy bdsm environment is connected to pleasure for both parties involved.  Instead, if this kind of relationship, where the sub suffers from low self-esteem and the dom exploits this, existed anywhere, it would appear to me as a rather unhealthy way of being together where counseling might be useful.