Happy new year

I wish you all a happy new year, that all wishes which really matter will be fulfilled and that you all have your share of good luck.

I hope you all have endless chances to talk to your friends, family and partners and that you get all the love that you wish for from them.     Ehm,  don’t forget to give lots of love too !

My new year’s resolutions

I don’t want to disappoint people that are important to me, but I’ll try hardest not to disappoint my husband and Master too often.

Drive slowly

More swimming and jogging

11 prejudices and stereotypes that I had to deal with this year

1. women can't drive (haha, very funny ... ok, you got me with that one, but all my female friends are better drivers than their male partners!)

2. women are the weaker sex ( that's sooo old and sooo bad; who goes into the kitchen with a cold?)

3. women are not good at sports (this is really funny, because I know I can beat most men of my age at running (long and short distance) and swimming, because hubby and I practice every week; and the guy who said that had a beer belly, no joke, and he had a red face either from high blood pressure or from drinking alcohol)

4. blondes are stupid (another old one; I am a natural blonde, so I get this one, usually in combination with being a woman, when I did something with the car again; not from hubby though)

5. women are not interested in sex (oh my, I had a good laugh, because I had heard the next one only one day earlier)

6. women are only interested in sex :)

7. all women love shopping (some of my friends don't like shopping, but it is in general true for me, but not too much of it either; I love it most as an event to spend time with friends)

8. women are flirts (LOL)

9. women are there to cook and do housework (true only with me, and I like that, but I am the exception among my friends, who all have paid jobs, so that housework and cooking are divided between two partners)

10. women are frail (who's giving birth? who?!)

11. women are more peaceful (LOL if you read my blog, you might see why this is wrong; and actually I almost got in a physical fight with a big man who had threatened another woman; he was a real coward)

12. women are bad at maths (I just thought this is the right line for a silly joke)

When is a scene good?

I had some time to think back to sm scenes we had in the past. All of them were brilliant ....  Come on, you did not believe that, did you? For me, there are some reasons why I liked some scenes more than others and why some did not work well.

Let's take wax as an example. In general I love wax play, even more so if in combination with ice cubes. If Master does that, usually it is a safe bet that I can come whenever he wants me to. And then, there are those moments where a single drop of wax is too much for me and I just can't stand it. Sometimes it simply doesn't work, just like you are not in the same mood every day. Believe me, I know about different moods. I could give other examples, no matter whether they are floggers, whips, clothes-pegs, nipple-clamps or even a massage, under normal circumstances they are all fantastic and I can let myself fall into the sensation.  Then again, at other times I just can't stand these. So, if you have such a moment during a scene, either you have a loving dominant partner who is able to change his plans immediately, or you probably cannot enjoy the scene.

At other times, I am just too tired to let myself fall into the situation. What I mean here is not that it does not work out, but you can feel the difference in a scene, if you have had too much coffee, not enough sleep, your thoughts are distracted, then again it might just be the cuffs which are suddenly too tight or something pinches or there is pressure in a spot where it shouldn't be. Often they are tiny things which could be cleared easily if dom and sub talked. Even though I am under speech restriction during most scenes, it is my obligation to communicate such things to my Master. If I did not tell him that something wasn't the way it should be, he would be seriously annoyed with me. Not saying anything would ruin the scene for him as well as for me.

Then again, there have been scenes, long ago, where we had too many different things going on for me. When I am blindfolded and bound, either on the bed or standing, with arms bound above me, I can only feel, listen and smell. So, if there are many different sensations, they sometimes distract me. For me, it is easier to cope with the situation I am in, if let's say, there is wax and beating, but I do not move around too much, like standing bound, then back onto the bed, then afterwards standing again and back onto the bed. That's something that disturbs my focus. I know that I could still relax and if allowed to, I could also have an orgasm, but it is different then. The orgasm is less overwhelming, the situation has captured me less. We can usually see that in how fast I am able to return to reality. If it was one of the better scenes, I am gone for a good while, somehwere between Nirvana and my own house made out of chocolate. Yummy yummy.

Yes, it is a miracle, according to what I wrote, you could assume that scenes rarely work. On the contrary, we are usually able to circumnavigate problems that might arise, if they arise at all. The scenes that did not work at all have always been rare, which I am glad about. Since we kept talking about what had happened then, we were able to learn from these moments. None of these scenes were a complete fiasco, therefore it was easy to take them as another step to greater joys.

What we learned from that is, instead of doing too many things at once, keep it simple. Instead of doing four different things, do only two, but take your time to make your sub hot and hotter. Subs, communicate clearly what might distract you, otherwise your dominant partner will never find out why some nice treat was not nice for you. Doms, read your sub, though I also recommend not to ask all the time 'are you ok?', because if it was the fifth time in five minutes, be sure that it also is disturbing, and of course, be safe, sane and consensual.

Why did he do that? Why did I behave like that?

If you have ever been in a situation where questions like the above ones kept you occupied, read on. I cannot really answer the why he did that or why I did this, but maybe I can help in explaining why we might do these things in general.
According to transactional analysis we have three (simplified) major ego states: parent, adult and child. In the parent state you are usually either critical, i.e.you feel and act as your parents did when they were disciplining or controlling you. As nurturing parent you think and act as your parents did when they showed that they cared for you. In your adult state you choose and decide in a more objective way, your decisions are based on facts and reason. In your child ego state you show either the natural child (creative, playful, reckless, irresponsible, not thinking about rules and consequences). In your adapted child state, you think and act in a way that you have learned as a child, it is the way of behaving so that you get all the attention and affection that you want.

Don't worry, everybody has all three of these states, they are all part of our mental structure and we use them all in communicating with each other. E.g. when hubby asks me "Do you know where my watch is?" As his obedient wife I would answer -in adult ego state- "It is on the desk, luv". This would be an appropriate adult ego state answer. Now, lets assume that I have one of my child ego states, then the answer could be more like "I don't have them, it wasn't me!" or maybe I would answer "Guess where it is, you'll never find it, I hid it from you". Of course, I could also go into parental ego state: "You are not a child anymore, you should know where your things are."

My adapted inner child wants to tell the audience that I would never behave in such a way, I am always in adult ego state, of course. ... Well, most of the time, sometimes.

As far as I understood, the most important reasons for us to slip into these three different ego-states are, to keep the flow of communication going and to receive attention and recognition. Most of the time these processes are not done on a conscious level and if they are an ongoing series of transactions with some ulterior motive behind them, they are called games. Games are considered dishonest in transactional analysis and at the ending of a game (if there is one), the outcome usually has some kind of dramatic quality, e.g. divorce, one of those participating might become an alcoholic, etc. .

One of the most famous examples of this kind of games is called "See What you Made Me Do". I read about it in E.Berne's book Games people play. The abridged version is: Mr. White wants to be left alone. Mrs White comes in and asks "Where are my long-nosed pliers?" Mr White let his typewriter fall when she came in. He is enraged and cries "See what you made me do". This game is played again and again year after year, so that his family does all to leave him alone and his children learn from this example, so that this game is passed on to them and probably again to their children.
In another version of this game, he would let his wife decide most (ugh, not what I'd like to do), e.g. what to do, what film to watch. If the evening turns out nice and he could enjoy it, fine, if not,  he could blame her for that.

Ego-states and domestic discipline
There are lots of other examples and hopefully we do not play these kinds of games. Nevertheless, we surely use the different ego-states all the time. If Master tells me "You better behave, young lady, or else, ...", he is in parent state, giving a warning which is not neutral any longer, as it would be in adult state. My reaction could be rational (I said c o u l d be) "Yes, Sir, you are right, my behaviour was irrational and I apologize for the trouble I have caused". The apology could have been adult, because it is a social norm, or it could have been my adapted child state, because I know that apologizing helps to appease Master. I could also behave irrational instead "I don't want to listen, lalalala, you big old meany, you are always so unfair".
The outcome of the free child-state would be a good spanking, for sure, if I ever did that. If Master and I were in a kind of game, we would probably be something like parent (he) and child (I) when we communicated. I freely admit that there are these situations, which I think is quite natural. But we do not communicate on this level continuously. I think what we do most of the time, is adult-adult state communication, which is a good way of communicating, because we are not focusing on fault, but instead are always looking for ways out of problems, so that everybody might benefit. Still, I know that there are situations, where I fall into such patterns, where I am in child ego state whereas Master is in adult state.
In such moments, I think we have found a shortcut to get me out this state. This is when I get spanked and lectured and have to answer what I did and why and how to be better again. In my experience, spanking has always been a very positive way of dealing with problems in communication. One reason  being that the decision to be spanked was one between two adults. We know why we have rules and to what end we wanted them and spanking is a safe way of bringing me back to my senses,  if necessary, i.e. better attitude, focus, willingness to do the right things.

It is already late at night here (1.15am). My free/natural child says 'I don't wanna sleep'. My adapted inner child says 'Master wants me to go to bed, maybe I get a reward?' My nurturing parent says 'yes, it is late, but if you like being up late so much!?' My critical parent says 'This is far too late, young lady, up to bed!' My adult state says 'I am tired and up early again, I need to get some sleep, good night, everybody and I feel better again because I am back to writing here.'


(google+ will probably add something like split personality to my list of keywords soon, just because of this text)

bad news

this morning we have received very bad news. one of my friends has died. it was not completely unexpected, but her family is completely devastated. i don't think that i will be online over the next days and i don't know how i could help them much apart from being there. we are all shaken to the core. i think nothing prepares for this

Can Masters have PMS, too?

 The day before yesterday morning I was up and about early and Master had another few minutes longer in bed. All part of the morning service, coffee and breakfast fresh and served with love. When he came out of the bathroom I could already see that somehow HE (not me! I want to point exactly that out, NOT me!) had a grumpy look in his face.
This is rather unusual for him, because he is the easygoing and relaxed type of man, and usually in control of his own emotions - and mine, in addition to his own. And then he came out as if he had  had a bad night, which he had not. I know, because I was there too. During breakfast he was pretty quiet, though not as if he carried a heavy burden around. After all, Master is used to that, because he has me. :) But he really was a bit grumpy. I really tried to be especially good that morning, but to no avail. He knew that he was not at his best, because he said that before he went off to work.
For lunch it was not different. I greeted Master and he enjoyed that and spending time together was fantastic, but later on he was a bit moody again. Well, not like I am moody, because I think it is pretty obvious when I am, but a bit on the silent side, brooding a little where he usually wouldn't, not talking as he usually would, even a bit less affectionate than he would usually be :( . But he was still able to correct me when I used a little swear word -very quietly, only to the silly pot that slipped out of my hand.That was a result of him not being at his best, of course :) . I can feel that it has impacts on me, when he behaves in a strange way.
Master, naturally, is not like me during pms, he still is in control, but he also told me about his headache and not feeling well and that he was all knackered, but not as if he had a cold or the flu either. There are moments where he suddenly is a bit moody, where he usually is not, but he would not let me feel much of these negative moments. I can see it working in him. When we met in town for lunch, he was less attentive than usual again.  I am not in real sorrow because of that, because although Master behaves slightly different from his usual self, it is not because there is a problem between the two of us. I never had that feeling, otherwise I would not write about it, but cry bitterly instead. I love my Master dearly and of course I worry, and he knows that I do.
Yesterday evening we went out into the dark, cold and wet weather to jog through the fields. That helped for the rest of the evening and he came back relaxed and refreshed, whereas I came back exhausted. Can you imagine how frustrating that can be? Too much chocolate, probably.
This morning, I could perceive him being tense again. Less than yesterday, but it was there again.
He couldn't tell what actually might be wrong with him, which is usually one of my special abilities, not being able to know what might be wrong and not being able to give the problem a name.
Some of the symptoms he showed reminded me of what I experience in regular intervals, and that is pms (headache, fatigue, feeling unwell, moodiness, ravenous appetite for salty smoked sausage, etc.) I know, reportedly, women's menstruation cycles could synchronise, though I have never experienced this personally. Allegedly this could happen when women live together for a longer period of time. I have lived together with one of my best (female) friends for three years, so that should be long enough, but we never had synchronised cycles. If it were possible, though, could that mean that men's hormone levels adapt to their female partners as well? Actually if I compare this idea to Master and myself, it wouldn't work, because his 'cycle' would be around a week after mine, if he had one. Still, I hope that his version of pms or whatever it is, will be over again quickly. I don't like it when he does not feel well or is not as balanced as he usually is.  I think the worst part in all this is that I have this feeling I cannot do anything about it. I can try to give comfort, show love and anything that might help him, but it does not change much at the moment.
This is the morning of the third day where I observed Master not being at his best, though there are also signs of recovery now and he and I still have no idea what the real reasons for him being moody might be. As I said, I know it is all fine with the two of us, we both feel safe there, we are still communicating, though Master less so during the last days and everybody else would just shrugg it off. But since this is not his normal way of being, I really do worry about him. We talked about it too, and he understood that but had no way out of the situation. Sounds like pms, because when that strikes me, there is no way out for me either. Maybe there are just too many small and big things going on which he cannot solve. If so, I can understand that it is extremeley frustrating for him, because solving problems is his way of life (another reason why I am his...).
Master was disappointed that we could not go to his family for Christmas, instead we have to wait until February to see them. We go and meet my part of the family for Christmas, which is fantastic too, he is loved by them, too and he really enjoys being with my parents and my sisters as well. But, Christmas with his family is a really huge affair usually, it is like Christmas vacation with the Griswolds, and their house is overpopulated with close relatives, and when you come and see them all it always feels like coming home, because they are all very warm-hearted and lovely people. That applies to my part of the family too, of course, but where our family has a smaller way of celebrating Christmas, hubby's family makes it big, though not this year, because his parents will be in Spain then and Master is kept busy working. I just hope that all will be well again soon and that I can help to brighten up his days a little.
It took me a long while to organize my thoughts even this far, from Master to pms and then on to Christmas. It is difficult for me to write at the moment, because my Master's well-being is all important to me and it makes me sad when he is not like himself.  And I apologize if I bored you with my rambling, this was definitely more a therapeutic rambling from my side.

Self-esteem, control, BDSM and our personal blend

One of the great myths concerning subs and bdsm is probably that subs are weak characters with low self-esteem. I don’t think so. The self-esteem issues that I might have are not different from those of millions of other women and in my case they are about my body and looks and though I have not come to terms with myself in that area, I am fully aware of my problem and can talk about it, even laugh about it sometimes. I am also prone to doubting myself in other areas now and then, and still I have this idea that’s normal too, because we change, we learn and are subject to experiences we cannot avoid and we are not always in best form. But these issues  are definitely not like ‘I have to let him do all he wants with me or he won’t love me, because I am not worthy of his love’. 

Besides, imagine what it would tell about the dominant partner if he had such a sub and would let her believe this.

My idea is that the average submissive is one with an above average self-esteem, at least if she is aware of what she is doing, namely giving away control to her partner. If she is not aware and only does so because she is afraid of being left, she should consider her situation anyway. I don’t want to be unfair though, and imagining anybody in that hopeless situation makes me sad. My first impulse would be either ‘get away from him’ or ‘fight for yourself’. I am not a good fighter myself, but I would not accept endless misery either.

For me, submission was a choice, because I trust my husband and Master. I think it was one of the last really important decisions that I had to do, because afterwards he took over. Not completely though, because he simply doesn't have the time to decide on everything and Master is not even here continuously. Still, he always could decide over me, if he wanted to. There have been probes from his side repeatedly, to see where we stand, how I coped with my changed status as his slavegirl. Since we are also married, the dynamics we have established might appear strange to others, because I am still considered a human being (I simply can’t resist such lines), with a lot of emotions in her and always willing to show that in the wrong moments. :) No lifetime imprisonment, no dog food,  not even leather outfits outside the house, oh my god, we are so boringly common… and it feels fantastic.

We had talked what my decision would mean for us, and I never had doubts that he is the right man to give all control to. Master appreciates me and is able to enjoy what I have given him. This does not mean that I don’t get disciplined if he decides that way, especially if I misbehave, of course, and it is not always sunshine and roses, just like in any other relationship. But I was told before what he expected and he tried to show the difficulties that might arise from my decision to let him have control over me. So, I was aware and decided willingly and well-informed. I did not have the feeling that he had blackmailed me into an unwanted kind of relationship and time has proven that we did the right thing.

Low self-esteem? No, often it is the other way round. I believe that what Master and I have, strengthens our self-esteem. This is probably the same for most DD or D/s people out there, especially if you are in a loving relationship. I have had numerous moments where I was close to overflowing with pride because my loving Master has shown me once more how good I had become in sticking to important rules and especially in sticking to structures that helped me stay away from the chaos that I had to deal with before. Of course, I would feel down too, if I had the feeling that I had let him down, and sooner or later I would probably have thoughts like ‘I am not good enough for him’, if I had an ongoing period of time full of failures. Everybody would! But that’s where I am not left alone. There is my partner who cares, who protects me, who loves me and wants to help me improve and be happy. Does that mean he shows me the easy way out of problems? Like avoidance? No, he helps me to solve problems, to find ways to deal with issues, so that I can negotiate a problem and leave it behind. This makes me stronger again. This is what happens in relationships, whatever the dynamics behind them are. In any relationship worth being in, both partners would watch each other’s well-being closely, all the time. I know, this is my romantic self speaking, and there are also subs and doms who are not in a loving relationship. I guess most of what I have written applies to them as well, because if they want to play in a safe, sane and consensual way, they are bound to negotiate what they want to do in a scene. Could the sub take humiliation? The dom would have to find out, because we can assume he would not want to cause harm.

Self-esteem is, once again, one of those topics where I have problems in finding the right words. And since I am in the submissive position, I have this urge to look at it closely, because from a dominant partner I would expect to leave an impression of power, which I would connect with him having enough self-esteem to exert power over me. As the submissive partner, I have given that power to him –willingly- and therefore I am not some weak-willed or fearful  wimp. That’s why I cannot bring those ideas of submissives as those with low self-esteem and doms as those who are close to bursting from arrogance and an overdose of self-esteem, together. The dominant partner surely should have a high enough self-esteem to handle his sub appropriately, but should not consider himself too high above her.  As far as I can see, in general, stories about subs who show low self-esteem all the time are still only prejudices and do not even come close to reality in a healthy bdsm environment, because a healthy bdsm environment is connected to pleasure for both parties involved.  Instead, if this kind of relationship, where the sub suffers from low self-esteem and the dom exploits this, existed anywhere, it would appear to me as a rather unhealthy way of being together where counseling might be useful.

strange day here we come

Saturday was weird at best. I started early on with being thoughtless. While in the kitchen, I wore a rather dishevelled but warm and comfy dress. Now, this is weekend, Master is there, and that means I have to and want to dress better than average, not overdressed, but not in a sloppy way either. I really did not think, I just grabbed some comfy looking clothes jumped in and was busy, until Master finally saw me in my clothes and frowned. He did not even have to say anything and it only took a second before I knew that I was dressed like a soft, comfy colourful ball of wool. I just said 'sorry Sir' and darted out into the bedroom to dress nicely.
I have no clue why this has happened, it was sheer thoughtlessness. The only thing I can say, is that most of Saturday did not feel like weekend for me. My thoughts were still busy with some of the chores and final preparations for Christmas. I am not even talking about chores that I had to do then, because usually I am busy during the week with them, so that we have more time together during the weekends. Out of focus, far away from home, somehow, I could feel it, but was not aware what was going on until Master told me back down in the kitchen. He took me with him immediately after I had come back, nicely dressed this time, and I had to undress again.
I have to follow the dress code Master has set for me, which is fine, because I really like to look nice for him. So, this was a situation where I broke a rule and I thought that I was in moderate trouble. Not like really bad trouble, because I did not do it intentionally. Master gave me a spanking, not the cane, and the spanking was a rather soft one, only a few times it was really stingy. It was more therapeutic than punishing, just enough to bring me back to reality. I was grateful for this spanking, it was like waking up refreshed and though I cannot say that it all felt good, it was nevertheless just right for me.

The rest of the afternoon went better for me, though after dinner I could already feel a little unrest returning. I quickly did the dishes and inbetween was told to wait in the bedroom, prepared,  which means clean and naked, kneeling. You can imagine how fast everything was done, I was prepared in the bedroom in no time. Master had me blindfolded and dangling from the ceiling hook for a warm up with the flogger and crop, which felt nice, before he took me down and I was put on his bed, where arms and legs were bound, so that I could barely move. Squirming was possible, to a certain degree, but not much. I could only anticipate what he would do. He played with hot wax and ice cubes, which felt fantastic. Since I am talking about a strange day, I should add, that even then, it all felt different for me. The candles were the same as always, but they felt hotter than usual. I asked later on about that and Master said that he had used the candles the same way he always does. The wax was all over my front side, and it felt great, but it took longer for me, until I had reached this point when I cannot discern whether I get a drop of hot wax or a drop of icy water from an ice-cube. Usually it works directly with the first drop with me, but this time the cold felt colder and the heat felt hotter than usual. Still, the result was what Master had wanted. I squirmed around, not too successful, because arms and legs were spread and bound, so that I could not evade anything, though I tried. The procedure was always the same. Master drops something on me, I squirm away from the spot once I feel it, then relax again. He stimulated my clit most of the time while he did the wax and ice. And he  knew that mentally I stood beside myself. You could also see that I was somehow out of focus, when he had brought me to the point of no return, where I usually beg to be allowed to orgasm, but this time I just could not, because I was taken completely by surprise. Actually I felt completely out of control at that moment. Orgasm without permission is an absolute no-go for me, it also is a rule and breaking this rule means extremely serious trouble which I would never ever do willingly (->naaaasty punishment for that).
Well, this time it was Master himself who saved me, because when he noticed that I was writhing and my body was obviously reacting without me still being able to decide anything about what was going on, he simply told me to come for him. What a relief, that was a really close shave :) and the rush that followed felt incredible. I think I am going to have aching muscles up to my tummy and down to my knees for the next days, because I felt not only like exploding from the inside, but also like being tense and strained, until my body decided it was enough and went completely limp after it had overexerted itself. Mindblowing. The next I remembered was that Master had taken the blindfold away and I was unbound and sitting next to him. Only after he had done this to me, did I feel deeply relaxed (what a surprise ...) and  dead tired, as if I had not slept for two days. Only then did I feel as if everything was right and the way it should be, no unrest, no thoughts about unimportant issues, just the two of us together. We cuddled a bit, and I am sorry to say that I was virtually unable to speak comprehensibly anymore, even though I tried, but what goes on after our sessions is always meant to help us calm down more and return to reality peacefully. Well, I think I really was at peace then and behaved more like a sleepwalker than anything else. Although we spent a little time after this, it did not take long before Master put me into bed where I immediately fell asleep. It is Sunday evening now and I am as relaxed as can be and I know that I'll sleep well tonight again, because essentially I still feel like in the afterglow of Saturday night.

Feeling guilty, forgiveness and therapeutic spanking

Are you able to forgive yourself? Sometimes it proves easier to forgive somebody else than to forgive yourself. Recently there was an incident, where I became a little jealous because a friend of ours was the centre of attention for a long while, which should have been all ok, but it was not for me in that moment. I felt jealous, not for long, before my thinking set in again and I no longer felt that way, but it left me with a guilty conscience. Actually I can feel guilty about all kinds of silly things, whether it is the way I behave sometimes, that I don’t spend enough time with some of my friends, or that I don’t spend enough time with Master if I spend time with my friends, that the garden did not look its best last Wednesday, that lunch for Master was good but not best … you name it, I might feel guilty about it and develop a guilty conscience which troubles me for a long time. 

 

I know that things like that can happen, but even long after the incident is over and forgotten, the bad conscience might still be there. Nobody might have noticed that something was not at its best. Everybody else probably thought that all was ok. If there was something going on, friends and Master might have said it is ok long ago. Everybody else can forgive what you did, but can you forgive yourself? Often I can’t. It is there, a lingering thought, keeping the guilty conscience awake.

This is a moment where I would either ask for a therapeutic spanking or where my Master would administer one, if he saw that I was troubled. It would not be a punishment, it would not be meant to hurt as much as punishment, but it would be enough to make me cry so that I could let go whatever holds my thoughts captive.

Whether you call them maintenance or therapeutic spanking does not really matter, but they are a good way for us to balance me emotionally. We don’t do them on a regular basis, but sometimes there are just small moments which make me edgy. They are only minor things, nothing we would directly connect to a punishment, but if these little things are not addressed in time, they could easily add up and be the beginning of some major incident where I lose my way completely, emotionally speaking.

Since they are less severe than punishments and since I have learned to see the good they cause, I have learned to cherish therapeutic spankings a lot. Master varies the spanking according to the situation, because sometimes it is already enough to spank lightly before I can let it all out, whereas at other times it might take far more. Still, it always is less than being punished, so that I never establish the connection between these two. If you get a few, can let go and afterwards talk about what was going on, the feeling of relief that I get from it, is enormous. Sometimes I can only tell what might have been boiling inside me after the spanking, because I suddenly realize what was going on. If you have ever had a moment when you were fidgety, were close to going ballistic, did not know how to calm down and never found out why, therapeutic spankings might help. And don't forget aftercare, please :)

What I have learned so far from blogging

people are immensely interested in my bum, it has been among the top 10 of my articles from the first day I have written about it

Christmas decoration is less important than obedience

Christmas decoration can't beat you, but your Master can

it takes a man to stop me

I can work as a demolition expert, because I can break anything

my computer hates me

I cry out of happiness when Master writes
 'After last night you are more beautiful to me than ever'

it is all about hormones and chocolate, according to google+

there are more differences between men and women than I had known before

I don't speak Spanish

sometimes my writing is worse than my car-driving

I can write in misleading ways

writing is therapy

I love writing

I should not care too much about what other people think about me, but I do

statistics are boring, but I keep looking at how many hits I got once a day

you actually read my rambling !

people like reading about my punishments a lot

it is easy to write about your own pain, but difficult to find out why some can give pain to others

the article that stayed on top of all articles is about self-control

I like typed lists

you like reading about my embarrassing moments

there are so many nice people who show sympathy

I am very grateful that you do that, more than you will ever know, thank you :)

Spectacular blunder – a punishment well-deserved

Last night I was in for it again. Master came home late and I had been doing Christmas decoration in the house and there were a few bits left which I wanted to finish, urgently. That was why my tunnel vision set in. I wasn’t able to listen to him. He gave me a set time and all I had to do was stop decorating in due time. But I simply couldn’t stop myself. I wanted this to be done because I am late with my last preparations for Christmas. … I could go on with reasons why this was urgent business for ever, because they are all dummy arguments, no valid reasons at all. I know that I could have stopped. All would have been good then. 

Instead, I passed the set time and Master reprimanded me for that, which was still a minor incident compared to what was to come. Well, then the bad girl, the brat came out and I started discussing this, because I felt treated unfairly, in a way, because I couldn't do as I wanted. The way I acted then, was what lets me feel ashamed, because I was completely thoughtless and I know now that I could have hurt Master emotionally, if he had not stopped me and if he had not stayed on top of last night’s events. He explained it all, repeatedly, because I was just dumb last night and unable to listen, simply out of reach. 

All I can say is, that I never meant to cause harm and especially not to hurt Master. He told me that I did not, but that it would not have been far away from that. I am glad that he had stopped me. At that time I really was not able to understand what was going on and how bad I had behaved.

Now, with a very sore and glowing bottom from last night, I understand quite well that it is not unfair to get a deadline, a warning to stop in due time. It was given in time and I could have stopped easily.

Master had obviously seen that I was not completely by myself when this affair started and he spent a lot of time with me, making sure that I would understand what was going on in me. We talked for over an hour before the message had reached me, before I had finally understood that the transgression of my time limit was minor in this moment and the bratty ways of mine and the useless discussion that I had started afterwards were the real issues here. Our talking would not save me from my punishment, though and he made that clear from the beginning.

The caning was severe and I hated every moment of it. But it was easy for me to accept this because finally I had completely understood why I got it. I was already wrecked and felt very sorry before the cane touched my bottom the first time and it did not take more than a few before I could let go all anger and frustration that I had collected up to that point. I am very grateful that I got this caning, because it was a real eye-opener for me last night and it helped. I was crying a lot last night, before the punishment, during and even afterwards, but it all helped me so much. 

Once understanding set in again, I apologized whole-heartedly for what I had done and I am very much at peace again right now, as I sit and write. I am also very grateful that Master took his time with me, after he had had a long and hard day at work. Even though it was late at night after the punishment was over, we still spent time together, no sex, that would have felt wrong for me then, just hugging and talking. Master made sure that I felt well again and was not left behind, feeling isolated. As part of a punishment, especially with a slavegirl, it would have been all within his decision, to let me sleep disregarded or even elsewhere, instead of in his bed. But I am very glad that he did not do such a thing, because that would have saddened me even more than the whole incident had done anyways. This is where he showed even stronger how much he cares and loves me. I really felt bad once I had understood that I had let Master down and I would have understood any course of action that he could have taken, but once understanding had set in from my side, I felt even more vulnerable and a punishment connected to letting me feel isolated would have been a serious blow to my emotional balance. I know that I have the best Master possible :) 

The situation this morning is a complete difference to last night. We are both relaxed, last evening I was not. I feel at peace with myself again, but my bottom still hurts when I wriggle around on my chair. I shouldn’t do that too often, still, I welcome every moment I feel my bottom hurt because it reminds me of last night and that I got corrected in time. As a result, although the weather is grey and dull, I think it will be a great day because all is settled. Thank you for last night, I really had needed that. Thank you Sir :)