Tired pregnant flying women

Sorry, I am currently in lazy mode. Or was it in brain fog mode? I don't know. I have difficulties focusing, because this week is not for me when it comes to sleep. At night I am somehow wide awake. Last night I was awake till four am, the day before it was almost  4 am. During the day, I am tired, then. I manage some kind of catnap, but as soon as I lay down, I am more awake than ever-until I get up again. Annoying. Simply Annoying. And I am even too tired to be annoyed.

But then again, :) new changes, some pain here and there, but the bump is fine, and we have reached week 18. :) As you all know, because I don't miss any chance to repeat that ...  I enjoy every moment of this, up to now. It means all is good. I don't sleep, feel as if my brain is completely on holiday, but none of that matters, as long as it goes on. Hubby gave me 'We are the Champions' today. I think we really should play it more often, because as long as my bump grows, baby and I feel like champions.

Hubby feels like one too, of course. ... You know, over the years, hubby and I have talked a lot about past prgnancies and the connected sadness from them not working out as planned. And hubby did communicate how bad he felt and nevertheless he has always been the greatest support for me. During the last two weeks I could see him relax occasionally, e.g. in week 16, which was such an important date for us. But whereas I am at my alltime high now, and climbing higher (metaphorically only) with every week, simply because this time it all feels right, hubby still has times when he is far more reticent and reluctant than he should be. It is not that he is not happy about us, because he is very happy and wants baby in his arms, alive and well. It's our greatest wish. But currently, he is more of a sceptic at times, and some is because he wants to slow me down a bit, just in case. I guess it is sort of trying to protect me from the biggest disappointment possible.  And I simply cannot think that anything bad could happen at all any longer. Not this time.

I think I understand his reasons for it, because we have suffered a lot when these awful things happened and long after. But to see hubby have these moments of doubts now, makes me sad. It hurts, not because he does anything to me, on the contrary. I am spoiled by him beyond limits, but because I think that he also needs to heal more than he had expressed and shown so far, and I can listen andd give support, but otherwise I cannot help him heal. At the moment I feel like I am healing rapidly whereas I think that this healing has currently slowed down in him, and even though  I knew and saw that he had obviously suffered as well, and we supported each other, I somehow had assumed he'd heal at the same rate as I do now and he doesn't. 

Funnily enough, when I have my moments of feeling bad from backache, digestion, sleepless nights or whatever else, hubby is there and wants to help and make me feel better. Actually these are moments when there is no reluctance or doubt in him about our pregnancy at all. Maybe I should lament more, to give hubby the time to enjoy the niceties of our pregnancy? So, with more little problems to be expected the further we get along the way, the better he will feel because he sees that it works out this time a n d because I am whining more?! :)

Sorry, this is not meant as a post to bring anybody down, and even though I am pretty tired, I feel all in all almost better than ever, and had some great days, especially yesterday, and maybe this was what it took to see and understand better what hubby would not say or only hint at. At the moment I think what would help hubby most would be to hold our baby. So, another reason for October to come quickly, and up to that time I'll try to be good for him. 

Many here understand that these things happen and I am sure that many women here have probably seen similar things going on in their husbands. Everybody has the right to feel bad at times, to express their feelings and for hubby and I this works and we support each other. And then there are moments where one of us stops and the other moves on. I think that's normal too, but in this moment, it is rather painful to see that happen to hubby. Usually it is the other way round. Actually I think it has always been the other way round and he has helped me on the way. We'll talk, we always do that and this helps a lot. We'll show how much we mean for each other and I'll do my best to help hubby cope with past loss and current doubts.

Sorry once again, didn't want to spoil the fun.

I think a change of topic is due.

And ... on the thoughtless side again ...

Yesterday we had a girls' day and it was great, we had a lot of fun, could catch up, and we sang 'Let it go' and 'Love is an open door', both from Frozen. DF wrote before, that they stick, and it is so true. There was no escape. Five women singing 'Let it go' as if there's no tomorrow, it was great and with that singing we  chased the only man in the house away. My friend's husband was at home that afternoon, but when he heard us sing he wanted to leave quickly..... Don't know why.

But next time I'll ask for a girls' night again. What use is it to listen to hubby breathing, if I can't sleep at all. Not even my warm milk and honey magic worked well this week. Maybe writing helps. If you see something like öaithjröivhöahöighöarihgjöargnlkvnrijhraiotewoir further down, it only means that my head fell on the keyboard and I published this by accident.

But the good news is .....

my doc told me that we could go back home by plane this summer. :)

She said our holidays are far enough from 1st October, when I am due, and since we return not late in August, there should be no problems. We'll discuss that again, but I had already seen us on a ferry, which would take a lot longer. 

I don't want the journey to take long, that's why I'd prefer the plane, but last time I was really nervous in it. Maybe going by ferry would be worth considering, after all.