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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Physical distance

Yeah, I know, the title is like for a medical abstract. But actually it is the opposite of academic thinking. And it is only a little bit bump-related,  even though the thoughts started with my bump. I have written in a comment that if a man (a stranger; a non-friend) touched my bump, I'd always pray to have hubby around to stop that immediately and convincingly. I probably could do that on my own, but not as quick and not as good as my husband. This little space around me is too important for me, but not only this, also the way I use it for communicating.

So, the first thoughts are about my physical comfort zone. I don't mind, if friends and family hug me, kiss me, touch me. On the contrary, I need that so much, a lot of it. I want to have it and I want to give it. If anything, I'd probably become stunted if I had to live without loads of physical contact. It helps to connect, it has meaning, it helps me to bond, it adds to feeling good or better, it is a lot of comfort for me. Have you ever tried to remain unaffected by a tender touch? I guess it is impossible and you cannot avoid being affected and feel closer to each other. And, it definitely helps to create a feeling of safety, which is very important for me.  I could really recommend hugging as a therapy form. If you do that, or even just squeezing someone's hand, not out of pure habit, but consciously, this really makes you feel better and you have a mutual connection. Well, it works for our family and friends.

What I don't say to friends and family can sometimes be expressed better by hugging them, or touching them in the right moment. This does show so much affection, or does help so much to comfort one. You are simply closer. And these are only a few out of a very long list of positive and strengthening feelings that you easily express by using physical contact. Think about reassuring your friend. You could go for the verbal approach: "you will manage that, you can do it, you are fantastic, lovely, ....." Of course, but if I want to give reassurance to a friend, I think the verbal form is not enough for me. The other half of my message would have the form of hugging someone, squeezing, patting, etc..

And still, if someone who I don't want to have there, enters my comfort zone, I am immediately upset and in a fluster, and the nicest thing that I do is asking the intruder to step back.
I am not talking about situations where you simply cannot avoid close contact, e.g. in a crowded subway. I don't like that tooooo much, but it is ok, as long as the gentleman behind me keeps his fingers away from my bottom.

But there are people who intrude in situations where they could just keep this little distance  and don't do so. I don't want people that close who I cannot do the complete physical communication with. It is disturbing. I am known for even having preferences to who I might let closer. I have no problem with women who are intruding into my comfort zone and female friends are usually the ones who get the full benefits of much physical contact from me. If I have a really bad day and am less enthusiastic about showing much affection physically, they just ask what's wrong, because not hugging and touching is unlike me. :) And they want their hugs and being touched, too, which I think is so lovely.


But with men, it is far more complicated. Within family, it is ok, but with male friends I am far more reserved and reluctant. They get less of the good stuff. :) The major reason is of course that I don't want to give any wrong signal, neither to them, nor to hubby. So, it is another way of sending a message and keeping the distance, alas, some men don't understand that.




10 comments :

  1. Hi Nina,
    I think you are very smart to keep your physical contact with non-family men to a minimum. It truly is a sign that you respect yourself and your husband. I'm glad you still enjoy close contact with your girlfriends though :-)

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  2. Hi River, for me, close contact is like food for the starving, I really love it and need it and it is uncomplicated with family and girlfriends. But I wouldn't like to come closer to men, because it wouldn't be ok and I guess there is always the wrong kind of impression, as well. I am also talking from experience with that, because one of hubby's best friends is a real serial womanizer. Since he is pretty close with hubby, I cannot avoid him completely, and he is a really nice man, too, but I know that he is virtually undressing me with his eyes on occasion. There was nothing indecent ever from his side, but I warned him one time when I felt that he touched topics which I would not talk to a man about (apart from hubby). Well, he gets a very short hug, but I am getting within his reach only when hubby is present, otherwise I would not even be in the same room with this man. He would probably take anything more than the shortest possible physical contact as an invitation to flirt with me. And I would hate myself if I ever gave that signal to him.
    Lol, he is a woman's dream, btw, a real surfer-type, but not able to keep up a relationship for more than a few weeks; and the warning that I had to give him was because of an embarrassing moment I had caused by accident.

    Instead, I'd rather have an additional caress from hubby. Hubby will not be here the whole next week and I will miss him endlessly, and of course the physical contact and being close. In a way, that was the other reason why I wrote the entry today because at the moment I feel really needy when it comes to physical contact. Even more than at other times, so it is probably the hormones again.

    hugs

    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, bummer that your Hubby will be gone. Keep yourself busy if you can :-) I love the "food for the starving" comment. I am the same way, and Ash knows it, so he is constantly touching me all day. He sometimes jokes that I am his kitty because I need so much attention like a pet :-)

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    2. River, hubby had to leave early this morning and at the moment I feel horrible. But it will be better again soon. I'll keep myself very busy this week and get tender loving care from my friends. Lol, they are allowed to stroke my bump in return. :)
      I can understand soooo well that you need to be physically close to Ash and I think it is great that he knows about this and is able to show his love and affection in this way, too. It is lovely. ... And there is nothing wrong with needing much attention! I love that too, giving and receiving, it is perfect :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  3. You've gotten me thinking. I hug and touch children without thinking twice, but with adults I am much more standoffish. I'm pondering that now. I think that's part of the appeal of children...we can hug, be hugged, kiss and be kissed without all of the layers of extra meaning. If a two-year-old hugs me, I smile and nothing in my life is threatened. If a grown man hugs me, it's weird unless we have the right vibe.

    I think I shall have to find someone to hug now. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ana, what you write is so true. If only giving a hug was always as uncomplicated as it is with kids. But even though you don't want to, it can still happen that a man misunderstands a simple hug during a greeting. :) I don't want those things to happen at all, therefore only the girls get the full hug, pat, caress and touch package (and those who have not run away because of it, actually enjoy the additional physical contact very much - or miss it, when they don't get it).

      hugs

      Nina

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  4. I think it's good to keep male friends at more of a distance than females. I think it is possible to have purely platonic relationships with males, but hugging, touching, and being physically close can very quickly bring that platonic relationship to "could there be something more" status. And let me tell you, if you are an attractive lady, certain men will nearly always read your physical contact as a sign that you want them, no matter how lighthearted and friendly *you* think it is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Autumn, I hear you. What you say is definitely true. I have had this in the past, pre-hubby times and after such an experience I have learned to reduce physical contact to men to the absolute minimum. I also completely agree to your 'no matter how' line, because if a man is interested, he is very willing to read any -even negative- signal the way he wants to. I love being very physical and e.g. around a table, sitting next to each other, it might still happen that I touch a male friend lightly, sometimes without even noticing, but when there are men, friends or colleagues, I want to have others there as well, female friends, family, or hubby, which is best. It's a feel-safe rule for me. I absolutely dislike those situations when I am alone with a man who is not close family and I try to get out of such a situation quickly. Hubby knows how bad this can make me feel, and he understands it and is there for me. It's not paranoia from my side, it's just that I easily feel awkward in such a moment and I don't want there to be misunderstandings of any kind.

      hugs

      Nina

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  5. Hi Nina -
    This may be the first time commenting on your blog.

    You bring up a good point about strangers touching a pregnant woman's bump. I have seen it often and never understood why some people think this is OK. You normally wouldn't touch a woman you didn't know if she wasn't pregnant, why does being so automatically make it OK?.

    As far as personal boundaries here is my male perspective/experience. Culturally, I hug both male and female friends. Always have and therefore I also crave this type of physical touch and need it. However, I do my best to be respectful of everyone's personal boundaries trying to pick up on body language hints as much as possible.

    Sadly, in certain circles any gesture on my part to hug someone or kiss them on the cheek can easily be misconstrued. I think it is kind of sad that things are that way, but I also understand why.

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  6. Hi Enzo, thanks for stopping by. You are right, it is sad that physical contact can be misunderstood. I for one have learned that men misunderstand this more often than women. And this can lead to extremely embarrassing moments for both parties involved.
    When it comes to my bump, I understand that this is exciting for many, but even I would not touch a pregnant woman's belly without being sure that this is fine for her. Today we had a girls' day and all my friends touched my bump, but that was lovely and felt fine, for them and for me. But that's because we are close. If there had been an unknown woman who had touched me, I wouldn't have liked that. I think I don't mind stepping out of my comfort zone, but I mind others stepping into it without clear signals from my side.

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