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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Respect is a major rule

Finally, after all sorts of things that have appeared here in my blog, I found the energy to write a little about our rules. They are just a few thoughts about them and most of it might be pretty obvious, too, but I have not written much about our rules here so far, therefore I thought that it is time to change that after what feels like tons of entries about pregnancy, feel-good ideas and some from the 'different' kind of writing. Even Sue and Martin, the two who had a first appearance in Belfast, could turn up again soon,  in a second part of the story. Well, back to topic.

As some of you know, the spanking part is currently not there for us and this is going to change only in winter, maybe Christmas ....oh, hopefully, I want that back so much! Since this part has been more important than I was aware of until recently, the question arose, how to deal with this. 

The good news is, I did not go into a mad frenzy and hubby did not go to the pub to drown his frustration. Somehow we have only changed a part of the discipline into the non-physical direction, and it works so far. It feels more arduous and leaves me sometimes slightly frustrated, but I think it works in general. Hey, and I am a good girl!

 Back to the four D's which in a way can cover all you need to look out for: Disobedience, Dangerous behaviour, Dishonesty and finally ... Disrespect. Here we are. 

I'll try to explain what kind of importance respect has for us. I don't know if there is a difference in how men and women see respect in a relationship, but I know that hubby and I have different opinions about its importance, though we agree that we want to show respect to each other. See below.


Hubby and I show a certain kind of respect to each other. And since me talking back could really hurt, this is an important rule for us. I don't mean to be bad, but I claim to be human and then these things just happen and hubby says I am very human. Thanks for that, Sir. But seriously, just having this awareness that both of us want and deserve respect, helps us. We want to show to each other our esteem, how much we cherish each other. 

It’s also about the small things. For example I am fabulous at letting my eyes roll verbally. The tone I use can show all shades of disrespect that you can imagine. Just like rolling eyes can. I am not supposed to do that and I manage to fulfil that one. … Very often! But I seriously believe that hubby deserves respect and he also treats me nicely and does a lot more, he even disciplines me when it’s necessary. I mean, he does, what it takes, because he also believes it is right. Nevertheless, I think that it is not easy in every situation to be up to the task. Hubby deserves even more respect from my side when I consider that. Well, we both believe that our partner deserves to be treated with respect. It is a sign that shows how much our partner is cherished. And I think everybody needs to feel that, not only hubby and I. 

Some ways of not respecting hubby are simply like bad habits. I have learned to roll my eyes and nobody actively stopped me doing that, before hubby-times. From nowaday's point of view, I think this was rude behaviour. I know that there are many people out there who say, who cares, it's part of your personality or whatever. No, it is not part of my personality. It's behaviour or habit and that can be retrained/modified. 
I want to please my husband and enjoy doing things for him. Therefore, I have learned not to roll my eyes as a non-verbal kind of nagging. I don't do it, because I know he doesn't like it and I don't like it much either, because it shows the opposite of what I want to show to my husband. Imagine how you feel if someone shows disrespect to you. I think this hurts a lot if done by someone you love.
This is only one example. If it is related to body language, negative signals are sometimes too quick to give them a name,  although they have happened. So, you could tell your partner non-verbally, that you don't respect him. Who could want that?!

Instead, being in a loving relationship should be about the opposite. Show your partner that you appreciate what he does. Let him feel cherished and loved. Find ways to make him feel better. That's what it should be about. And now the turn back to DD: I believe that the potential chance to discuss these things, to give them a name and to find ways of stopping what's going wrong and changing it into a better direction, is greater in a DD relationship. Once again, this is only based on my opinion. I did not start a survey and only see what hubby and I discuss, again and again if we feel like it. I compare that to my past unsuccessful vanilla relationships. There have been moments when respect was a topic. But somehow, the incentive to change anything actively was not big enough (euphemism: =there was no incentive; I was free to misbehave). 

There is one thing about respect that I have learned from hubby and he has stated it in almost identical words more than once: He would rather go without love than without respect. Now, that was, no it still is a shocker for me. He has tried to explain that more than once, but I think I am only able to grasp his idea behind it, though not really able to understand this train of thought. For me, it is more the other way round. I'd rather live loved but without being respected than without love. Maybe it is just him and me, because opposites attract? I don't know, but once this had sunk in, it was a real eye-opener for me, because it showed me that respect is so important for hubby. It is a serious issue for him, and first of all I am very grateful that he could give it a name. I think not all husbands have this awareness. Ever since he has made it clear that this is important for him, its importance has also grown for me. Lol, I am still a member of the 'love-first' faction, though. Nevertheless, it is part of learning from hubby to at least understand that respect is important and therefore, I am so much more willing to show hubby this respect.

I like the traditional roles for men and women. I am not out to convince anybody that this is right or good for them, but it is good and right for us. We believe in equal rights for both sexes here, but we don't believe that men and women are equal. Obviously we are very different and we love this because in a way with our differences we complement each other. It works for us. Hey, I am still talking about respect, because for us, it is important to allow the other one to express this difference, and also to appreciate it. 

From my (female) friends some show rather masculine traits at times. I know that I could do that in some moments too, but I hate it and feel bad with it. I don't like to behave that way. Hubby doesn't expect me to do that (and he has a strong dislike of such behaviour in women). His way of being with me is different. He allows me to show and live according to my nature. I don't get any derogative comments or eye-rolling because I am who I am. Instead, I am loved and cherished for it. Now, for me, this is a kind of showing respect that I do not expect to be understood by all.

And although I do connect these benefits to having DD, I know that  others will have the opposite opinion. That's fine too, of course. 

We are not into tattoos, but I like these two.

Respect fun-section

There were these three guys talking. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow puffs out his chest and says, "Well, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third fellow sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"


  1. Grest post Nina, I agree, showing each other respect and appreciation is important in any relationship. Although I may fall short every now and then, I am always mindful of treating Rick with respect. Of course, it's also what he expects lol Love the joke lol


  2. Thank you Roz, yes, these things are so important in a relationship, And whenever hubby and I discuss something like that I am baffled how much respect means to him. Well, it is an important rule I agree to, and one reason why have it as a rule is that I sometimes need little reminders. Not because I am bratting or really showing disrespect, just to make sure, in certain situations. :)




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