Good news, hopes and fears

It is the hormones :)

 The good news is, just as I have already felt for weeks and known for days, I am pregnant again :) . If our past had not been one of ill fate whenever it came to babies, you would see me all happy, full of joy and full of everything positive you could think of. Well, actually I feel like that, but there is always a good portion of fear part of it. I have had miscarriages in the past and still have trouble coping with that. It makes me very sad and I feel the great loss most of the time. I am not even able to write more than these few words about it, because whenever I think about the loved ones that are not with us, it drives me crazy. I feel so endlessly helpless then, which is nothing I want to feel in these moments. I don't know if it makes sense, but in these moments I feel so incomplete, as if someone has cut out a huge piece of me and it is gone forever, and this really hurts too much.

Hubby and I have always wanted a lot of kids around our table and so far we just never even had a fair chance for one. The doctor says that it should all be fine now, this time, though we also got the warning that everything is possible in the early weeks. I am currently in my tenth week. I have ignored the little changes as long as possible, because I really thought it would not happen anyway. Well, that and I was too afraid of what might happen - again. I thought closing eyes would help, which is pretty unlike me, but I simply did not want to face that I might actually be having a baby.

So, that I write this here now, is just because I need to express myself, I simply couldn't wait any longer. Hubby does not know that I write this here, yet, but he'll surely understand. He has been even more caring lately and I am so grateful for that. I have been completely strung up the last days, always moving from hope to fear and back. Will it work out this time? There is no answer to that yet, and I just hope so much that we will get our chance and have our baby.

Our holiday came just in time to save me from these gloomy thoughts. We did not tell anybody anything yet, just in case. I know that some of you know what that feels like, this 'just in case'. But our days with the family were absolutely great and we could push the sorrows that haunted us, away for that time. They were rather carefree days for us in a moment when we felt sort of tense.

So, this is, why my entry is a little awkward. I am happy on the one side, we are, hubby's feelings are not different from mine when it comes to our baby. Then again, I feel like carrying a burden with me (the ambiguity is unintended). Usually I would have waited another two weeks before I'd have mentioned anything here, about us having a baby, but I just could not wait any longer. I am so torn between telling everybody and keeping my mouth shut, 'just in case'. And it makes me sad that I have this thought of 'just in case' too often at the moment. I'd love to tell everybody that finally we'll have a baby that survives, but I don't dare.
My best friend knows, but apart from hubby she is the only one. We have had the first scan and could even see a little tiny bit of our baby :) . My hopes are flying high and even though I am sort of  torn, the longer the little spot on the screen is doing fine, the more I hope. And then I feel how this 'don't tell anybody, just in case' creeps up again. :(

So, what can I do?  I'll do all the doctor says, just to save you.  I'll sleep enough, live healthy, do sports, but not too much, don't do anything that could hurt you.You are dear to me, even now. You are still too small to be felt, but I feel the changes. Little changes, nice changes. No morning sickness (!), we feel fine. :) Not even chocolate hunger yet, instead we eat salad and fruit. I want to do things right, do all I can, but there is not really much to do for me. I have to wait and see. But we would love to hold you so much.

If I don't manage to blog as much as I'd like to, in the next weeks, it'll only be because everything is fine. If I look at my last entry before this one, it might be better this way too, for some :). I don't want to judge or criticize anybody here, because I don't like that in my writing. Still, I did it, I know. ... It's the hormones :)

A N D, I have a request for you too: I asked the doctor about spanking, bedroom type, of course. She said within limits, just as a turn on, it is fine and nothing can happen. Currently, I have no clue about how much spanking for discipline we can do now. If there is anybody with an answer to that, we'd really appreciate that. We don't want to risk anything concerning the well-being of our baby and therefore, more than realllllly light spanking is out of the question right now. Hubby definitely has different ways of keeping me in line, but I'd love to have some real physical discipline, at least now and then, if no harm can come from that.