The start of something good

This is my 

100th blog entry here :)

We had been in the earliest stages of our relationship, where I for one was caught between the last chaotic remnants of independent single life and the irrestible lure of being with my future husband. Well, no, I'd like to rephrase that. I was at the end of the period of life where all was ruined for me and he was my only light in the dark while I felt like being tossed to and fro in a stormy night. I felt so strongly for him from the start and the only reservations that were actually left, were some unreflected pseudo-feminist thinking of mine saying that women these days were meant to be strong, were meant to decide everything freely and absolutely without asking a  m a n.

Such thinking is not only anti-man it is also anti-relationship thinking, and yes, this is silly and embarrassing from today's point of view and I have regretted those years before I met hubby so much that it hurts up to this day. Anyway, here I was, inwardly determined and willing to do all for him. Outwardly there were the last remains of some alibi-political-correctness left, but they were not strong and I knew that and felt in my heart that I'd forget everything and do anything necessary if hubby-to-be proved only half as good as he appeared. 

I think I don't spoil the point of the story when I already state here that he was more than half a man, he was t h e man (and still is), a strong-willed man, a strong and honest character, self-confident, all a woman could ever wish for and far more, a living dream and true to his word, as I was soon to find out.

I had not yet moved into his house, because it was too early for that and I did not feel I knew him well enough yet, but we had been dating for about two months and this was really getting serious for me. It was sort of serious for me when I met him the first time, because I felt I was all his, head over heels in love and attracted to him like the bee to the flower.
After more than five years of unsteady life, this was in itself a rather unfamiliar experience. But from the first moment on, I virtually had no resistance left when it came to him. And it felt good that way, I had physical reactions from just touching him, or him touching me, if you have somebody who has such a pleasant voice that it sends the loveliest shivers down the spine you could think of, you also know what I am talking about. More than once was I sitting in the library and absorbed reading when I heard him unexpectedly and just hearing him left me completely flustered and aroused, as if I had just had sex. :) It really felt like that, well, it still does, when he comes over me unexpectedly (yes, he knows) ... I started daydreaming about my hero who would save the little princess. I had a little bit of a bad conscience at first because of these teenager attitudes, since I thought this made me look like easy prey for men. That was a thought I did not like at all, but since I considered myself in a serious relationship, the first real relationship for years, I would never have done any move against it. Well, with him, I would have become a saint, just to keep him. Since I have been more of a sinner at that time, you can maybe see to what length I would have gone just to do things right for once.

So, we had an invitation to one of the infamous autumn balls outside Hamburg, and we went north into the countryside, where the people are much like Yorkshire farmers. It is a marriage market, too. Of course, you'll find all farmers and daughters and everybody who could walk, on such a ball. They are fantastic fun, the people and the occasion. Sometimes some people need a bit alcohol first to grow warm, but then it is endlessly funny and if you cannot enjoy yourself there, then you'll never be able to. Talking about alcohol, this had to be well timed for us. Hubby-to-be was the driver, so he would not drink at all. Maybe I should have been the driver .... sorry, if you have ever seen me driving you know why hubby usually wants to do that for me. All gentleman, he is. :) Well, I was not driving and I could only have a little glas of wine later on. If I just look at alcohol, I am already drunk, therefore I really do plan when I want to have a little sip. If I fail to do that, I end up in unknown places, without any memory how I got there and with a hangover the size of a house and with a gap in my memory. If anybody tells you that this is fun, he or she must be lying, it isn't. It is embarrassing and a horrible experience. Add a bed and an unknown stranger to the scenery and the catastrophy is complete. 

Since I hate such things, I stick to orange juice and non-alcohol coctails (For the record, I never had problems with alcohol, but I have had negative experiences connected to drinking alcohol, just like most people on earth). So we went there and had a nice time. We danced most of the evening, had some food and enjoyed ourselves, met old friends and new ones too. Later that evening I had about half a glas of wine. I felt tipsy, but I knew that would happen and felt very well and safe, because hubby-to-be was there with me and we enjoyed each other's presence so much. It was already close to perfect at that time.

I don't know for sure what changed, but somehow I became bitchy, and maybe it was because I felt unbound and unchecked after I had this bit of wine. Maybe it was just that I wanted to tease my partner a little and started flirting with another man. Not much and maybe others would consider it just relaxed atmosphere and my way of being easy. Maybe I was simply thoughtless. What I know for sure was that I had not wanted to do any harm, especially not cause trouble for my partner. But there is one thing I see clearer now than I did back then, and I have bad memories when it comes to that. I think I wanted to challenge J. and find out what he would do. This is so unlike me, but it also is a pattern that I had already shown in two other relationships which failed completely, because I behaved like a pain in the ass. I could blame the wine, of course, but I do not. I think it was more of a test, though I have no real idea what made me ever come up with such a stupid idea in the first place. And whenever I think about this stupid moment, I absolutely have this urge to apologize. I really get a bad conscience just from thinking about it. Compared to other things that I have done, where I even was out of control, this appears harmless. But it is not for me, because it felt like the destruction of the most beautiful relationship I have ever experienced. I could cry, so bad does it make me feel to this moment. Well, it's long over and healed, therefore I won't. And my make-up is not waterproof either now, but it was in this night I write about. :) 

J.'s reaction was unexpectedly harsh, I found then. He told me, no he ordered me, to come with him, out. I could have stayed inside, but then everything would have been as bad as it had been for the last years and I knew that. I did not want to blow it now. So I followed obediently and also with a little remorse. But on the other hand, I wouldn't be me, if there had not been my personal streak of stubborn antagonism in the face of obvious failure from my side. So, since I dared not speak at first, I pouted, visibly. J. got his jacket and my huge red scarf. I was the lady in red that evening, with a fabulous ball gown in candy apple red and carmine red. I loved that outfit and felt sort of queenish (and had obviously behaved likewise). So we were standing there, J. all gentleman helped me with the scarf, but was already boiling with rage, as I did see. I just said 'Come on' airily, because I thought this was only a little irritation. He almost exploded into my face. He scolded me right there in front of the attendant, but stopped almost the same moment and he used English, so that she did hopefully not understand what was being said, only that he was seriously annoyed and I absolutely embarrassed, because he treated me like the little bad girl, I had been. He pushed me out, put me directly into the car and off we went. Unexpectedly early. I could not let the whole affair rest and started a second time, trying to tell him that his reaction was exaggerated. That he could not treat a woman that way. Yes, I seriously said that to the one who admittedly liked to spank me. :) That was when he got seriously mad. He told me that I had seriously misbehaved there, had tried to let him look stupid in there, had ruined the evening for him and that I had left the impression of being a slut, too. I tried to refute and deny all that and tried to hold against J's claims, but that was more because I thought I should and I felt stupid too. I knew that he was right. So I became louder, almost hysterical, I think. Oh my. He simply stopped the car, somewhere in no-man's-land and opened the door on my side. "Get out of the car until you can behave again!" I was absolutely shocked and did not believe that happening. He unfastened the seat belt for me and waited a moment, but his eyes were narrow, like those of a dog before the bite. He was dead serious with everything and I had the feeling that I'd better do as told.

Still, I think this was a turning point for us, definitely for me. He was not hiding anything from me and I could read him clearly. He never pretended anything and only said what he meant and would be willing to defend or answer for. And very obviously, he was not the one to fool around with if he was not in the mood for games. Wow, he absolutely had me with that. I have never ever before experienced something like that, on the verge of despair, but also with the hope of being rescued by him. He really meant business but this was not only anger, there was also concern and love? Yes, but he hid that in the car in such a situation. And I did not feel like I deserved any sign of affection at all anyway.

I went out of the car. I even do know why. It was because I never felt like he would have left me alone, if anything I felt better than before. Better not in the sense that it was warm or pleasant. I felt touched deep within and satisfied, virtually for the first time ever in that specific way.  Did I mention that it was raining too? He was angry with me and in addition to that I had made a scene. He would not tolerate that and I could have known, because he had said things like that before. Well, I had not thought he would act on that, in the dark, somewhere and after midnight.

It was cold, I was wet and cold too, my hair was ruined, my dress close to that too, but my make-up looked fine. The cold worked. I did not try to tell him to let me in again. I asked politely, because in this moment I really wanted to be good for him. So the rain was good for something, it felt like a cold shower. "I am sorry. I really am. Would you let me in again, please? I promise that I'll behave.  Let's talk again, please, I am really sorry for what I did." I could see his face lighten up a bit, but not like all was good again. Once back inside, he first of all opened the dress and had me wear an old, dry pullover of his. Very romantic :) and at least dry. He really cared, maybe the pullover was just because he was polite with women, but he could have announced that it was all over. He did not. We talked in the car and I got admonished and he explained some of the things that I had done and that the ball was in my court now. Did I want a serious commitment? Was I willing to adapt? He was not there to be fooled with. And inbetween it became clear that if I really wanted to stay with him, there would be major changes in our lives, but far more so in mine.

Can you imagine how that feels, when the man you want more than anyone tells you that there could be a future for the both of you together? After I had behaved like a bitch, I should add. I think that was the most important piece of information that I got during this night and I started crying and I think that up to this day hubby thought I only cried because I had misbehaved and was sorry. Au contraire, the real reason was that he had offered me a perspective after my silly way of behaving. (Hubby is going to find out once this text is published). So, most tears were out of hidden happiness. Well, I really felt sorry for what had happened before and apologized again and some of the tears were because I had disappointed him, and some more were just because I was so relieved.
Still the most important thing was that I agreed to major changes and we would talk more back at home. This is where the 'and they lived happily ever after' should start. Actually I could write that, since with every bit of discipline that I learned and with the new transparent structure that he gave me, it became better. But the way to happiness was really arduous and I take the blame for that gladly. After all it did not matter that there was much to do, we had seen to that, but all that happened, happened with the man of my dreams, who I love most.
You have done more for me than I can ever put into words and all I want from the heart is to show how much you matter to me, that my love for you is unconditional and endlessly. I think there are no words to express how deeply I love you Sir.