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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Oh no, she's close to explosion ! Duck and cover !

This is definitely one of those days where I am going to be strange, detached, maybe unfair too. So, all I can promise at this moment is, that I am not going to mention wrapped presents, because if I do mention those, my texts are somehow bound to be incomprehensible.

There are several things that went wrong today, only one day after our happy return home :|  and there are some others that make me extremely nervous and pent-up at the moment, because they are closely connected to our greatest wish of having kids. 
My current emotional state is one where I'd rather explode out of frustration, because there are  things which I have no way of changing anything about, although I'd literally do anything to change chances just slightly to our advantage. 

In addition to that,  I have read a statement today which showed once again to what degree DD is misunderstood and that makes me sad. Well, currently more angry, because I can't change anything about that either. 

I think when I read about how much DD can be misunderstood, I was sort of offended, and I was not even personally attacked, but nevertheless, the thought implying that DD could be abusive, haunted me. I hate this idea, because it puts everyone who is HoH and administers DD into a corner where they don't belong.  There is e.g. my hubby. He cares for me. He loves me dearly. He'd  give his life for me and he'd always protect me from harm. This includes protecting me from myself. 
And then again, he is the one who puts me over his lap. He is the one who uses a very nasty cane on me, too, at times. Then there are people who say, 'this stuff is abusive, if you try to justify it, it is just because you are psychologically not able to detach from your abuser' and other similar nasty things which are only used to degrade people and it is done without much profound knowledge. I absolutely hate this reasoning because it symbolizes the opposite of any form of tolerance for me. When I see DD, I see so completely different things, compared to what some critics see. For me it is about talking, opening, being vulnerable, love, becoming a better person too, trust and giving life a structure that you can use to live with. For them it is only negative, because they fall for the image of someone screaming and crying. They cannot see what I see behind it. I see the chance to let go, to reconnect, to trust and so much more. 
It reminds me of the prejudices that many people connect with bdsm. It looks violent at times, therefore it must be; which is not true, of course.

Well, I know that everything connected to DD is a blessing for us. Although I have my share of problems to carry, I have always felt that everything became easy with DD. Hubby and I communicate, we have reasonable rules, we care for each other and are in a loving relationship, where everything is safe, sane and consensual. I am not some psychologically needy and weak character, at least not more than you. :)
Then there is a self-proclaimed know-it-all and tries to wipe away so much of what matters to us with some biased, prejudiced and really unfair comments which do not even contain any acknowledgement of DD being a consensual way of solving problems. This is about adults who consented and I am not advocating anything related to minors at all, because they cannot consent. Adults can.

Well, I have the feeling you might read between the lines that I felt offended. What offended me most was that I saw hubby's way of dealing with me attacked. I, as the one who is on the receiving end, can only state here that it is the best way I know about and it is what made the most positive changes in my life possible at all. And, just to make that clear, I have never ever been beaten or abused by my parents throughout my childhood, so this is not connected to the victim-seeks-to-repeat-negative-experience-theory, either. But the chain of thought that I happen to see again and again, whenever someone wants to criticize DD is always connected to either the abuse-argument or some imaginary psychological problems that those who do DD are implied to have. Or, as an alternative, some do-gooder wants to help the poor DD-practicioners out of their misery by advising them to use other ways. You can even read that some dispute whether DD relationships could be full of love at all. 
This is so unfair and it vexes me far more than it should, because what we do is done in our home and there's no reason for me to bother. Nevertheless, obviously it does. I can't help it, ... to get out of my frustration I'll go running through the woods now, yes, it is unexpected, but I am not going to ask hubby for a spanking.

Sorry if I have offended someone here. If so, it has happened unintentionally, and if my choice of words was inappropriate, let me know, because I am willing to correct that, if necessary.

And, to complete my rambling, whatever you do, be safe, sane and consensual


  1. I did not find you rude at all. You were just stating how you feel. I was a bit rattled yesterday when I got challenged in this very way, but I don't need to appease anyone but God and the Duke, and they both have my back in this. :). We can only do what is best for us, and sadly, just try to ignore those that try to bring us down. I am so glad to that you guys have found so much joy together. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

  2. EsMay, thank you for your support. I really appreciate that a lot. Yes, I also read what was written in your blog, and I guess that the reply I read on your Duke’s description of the beauty of tears also added to my reaction when I then read those silly statements against dd and corporal punishment. Lol, actually it still vexes me a little, because it feels so unfair and unjustified for me. But you are absolutely right, for me, there also is no reason to appease anyone but God and hubby. I think I should really take your words as a mantra for blogging :) so that I won’t lose my balance because I project general statements on us. And you are absolutely right with what you wrote, first we can only do what is best for us, and I know, we do, and we should really try to ignore those trying to bring us down. I think that our wishes and ideas on that are so identical, because of all the positive sides we have experienced through dd and I am so happy for you and the Duke that it works for you, just as it does for us. :)



  3. It's really difficult to know what to say in those circumstances. I believe or hope that the people who feel this way and feel the need to go on someone's blog and say such things are probably doing it out of misguided concern. If they could only understand what the immense positive benefits are from DD but they can't seem to see it... and I am not the best at arguing my case. I get tongue tied and way too emotional. Anyway, you have done a great job explaining yourself here.

    hugs and love

  4. Sara, I think you are absolutely right. I have big problems at times to find the right words in such a moment, too. I think the situation yesterday caught me completely on the wrong foot and I’ll better not start thinking about it too much, because then I end up being emotional again, too. If it had only been something concerning me, I guess I would not have bothered, but the criticism was also directed against the HoHs administering dd and that was what I really could not stand. Well, and just as you wrote, the benefits are so immense, and still, some don’t understand that. I am so grateful that you and your husband just like hubby and I have found our –very good- way of solving problems and connecting in a loving way, and that dd is the opposite for us than what it is for those who cannot see the benefits. :)

    hugs and love



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