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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Good news, hopes and fears

It is the hormones :)

 The good news is, just as I have already felt for weeks and known for days, I am pregnant again :) . If our past had not been one of ill fate whenever it came to babies, you would see me all happy, full of joy and full of everything positive you could think of. Well, actually I feel like that, but there is always a good portion of fear part of it. I have had miscarriages in the past and still have trouble coping with that. It makes me very sad and I feel the great loss most of the time. I am not even able to write more than these few words about it, because whenever I think about the loved ones that are not with us, it drives me crazy. I feel so endlessly helpless then, which is nothing I want to feel in these moments. I don't know if it makes sense, but in these moments I feel so incomplete, as if someone has cut out a huge piece of me and it is gone forever, and this really hurts too much.

Hubby and I have always wanted a lot of kids around our table and so far we just never even had a fair chance for one. The doctor says that it should all be fine now, this time, though we also got the warning that everything is possible in the early weeks. I am currently in my tenth week. I have ignored the little changes as long as possible, because I really thought it would not happen anyway. Well, that and I was too afraid of what might happen - again. I thought closing eyes would help, which is pretty unlike me, but I simply did not want to face that I might actually be having a baby.

So, that I write this here now, is just because I need to express myself, I simply couldn't wait any longer. Hubby does not know that I write this here, yet, but he'll surely understand. He has been even more caring lately and I am so grateful for that. I have been completely strung up the last days, always moving from hope to fear and back. Will it work out this time? There is no answer to that yet, and I just hope so much that we will get our chance and have our baby.

Our holiday came just in time to save me from these gloomy thoughts. We did not tell anybody anything yet, just in case. I know that some of you know what that feels like, this 'just in case'. But our days with the family were absolutely great and we could push the sorrows that haunted us, away for that time. They were rather carefree days for us in a moment when we felt sort of tense.

So, this is, why my entry is a little awkward. I am happy on the one side, we are, hubby's feelings are not different from mine when it comes to our baby. Then again, I feel like carrying a burden with me (the ambiguity is unintended). Usually I would have waited another two weeks before I'd have mentioned anything here, about us having a baby, but I just could not wait any longer. I am so torn between telling everybody and keeping my mouth shut, 'just in case'. And it makes me sad that I have this thought of 'just in case' too often at the moment. I'd love to tell everybody that finally we'll have a baby that survives, but I don't dare.
My best friend knows, but apart from hubby she is the only one. We have had the first scan and could even see a little tiny bit of our baby :) . My hopes are flying high and even though I am sort of  torn, the longer the little spot on the screen is doing fine, the more I hope. And then I feel how this 'don't tell anybody, just in case' creeps up again. :(


So, what can I do?  I'll do all the doctor says, just to save you.  I'll sleep enough, live healthy, do sports, but not too much, don't do anything that could hurt you.You are dear to me, even now. You are still too small to be felt, but I feel the changes. Little changes, nice changes. No morning sickness (!), we feel fine. :) Not even chocolate hunger yet, instead we eat salad and fruit. I want to do things right, do all I can, but there is not really much to do for me. I have to wait and see. But we would love to hold you so much.


If I don't manage to blog as much as I'd like to, in the next weeks, it'll only be because everything is fine. If I look at my last entry before this one, it might be better this way too, for some :). I don't want to judge or criticize anybody here, because I don't like that in my writing. Still, I did it, I know. ... It's the hormones :)

A N D, I have a request for you too: I asked the doctor about spanking, bedroom type, of course. She said within limits, just as a turn on, it is fine and nothing can happen. Currently, I have no clue about how much spanking for discipline we can do now. If there is anybody with an answer to that, we'd really appreciate that. We don't want to risk anything concerning the well-being of our baby and therefore, more than realllllly light spanking is out of the question right now. Hubby definitely has different ways of keeping me in line, but I'd love to have some real physical discipline, at least now and then, if no harm can come from that.

16 comments :

  1. Congratulations Nina! This is a big deal, so God bless!

    I know it has got to be tough having had miscarriages before. My sister recently had two miscarriages within a relatively short period of time. I really feel for her. My mother also had two.

    Now my wife and I have 3 kids, and have been blessed by not having had to go through a miscarriage yet. We love them very much and I truly hope you will soon get to meet a new son or daughter.

    As far as DD goes, we didn't start practicing until AFTER our youngest one was born, 10-11 months ago. However, I do know one woman who blogs who practices DD and is currently pregnant. I think you follow her blog already: http://spankedwifeuk.blogspot.com/

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  2. Hello foothills,
    thank you so much, even if I have my fears, the sun shines brighter than before, and I only hope this lasts. I am so sorry that your sister and mother also had miscarriages and can only hope that they are doing fine. You can probably imagine how much I envy you, because of your three kids :), but just imagining that you are there as a complete family also makes me very happy again. It is just something that we'd also love to have.
    You are right, I do follow the spankedwifeuk blog and I have even commented once on her page, concerning spanking and pregnancy... and forgot that. It's the hormones :) I'll start reading her entries about pregnancy and dd again, but I still remember that they have had her change position for spankings, so that there is no pressure on her belly and she got whacked with a spatula. Urgh. Well, I'd love to try that, actually. Foothills, thank you once again, I really appreciate that you replied. It's bedtime for me here now, good night :)

    Nina

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  3. Ni Na, Congratulations on your baby! This is such wonderful news. I'll be praying that the little one is thriving inside you. Thanks for sharing with us.

    As far as advice on spanking, I'm sure you can do it safely, but my gut still says to abstain unless it's light and playful. Pregnancy can be uncomfortable enough that I'd be inclined not to add anything else. I do know how the "need" can be there, and other punishments don't appeal to me, but maybe if your husband gets more HoHy with you, that would help. [My advice, no judgment if you decide to do otherwise.]

    I'm so happy for you and please keep us informed.

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    1. Hello Leah,
      thank you so much, I really appreciate your sympathy and support. I'd love to get spankings during pregnancy, but hubby also said that more than the playful kind is completely out of question for him. 'And that's the bottom line!', according to hubby. I'd still love to have some physical discipline at times, though. So, I will wait and see, and I think that hubby will have to be more HoHy and look for alternative ways of dealing with me. But past experience says that he has a neverending supply of ingenious ideas when it comes to that. At the moment, I feel very comfy and better than ever, but you are right, I think I have not heard about any woman who did not have uncomfortable moments during pregnancy, especially in the later months. :) Well, right now, I am looking forward to these as well. Remind me that I wrote that, when I write how much I feel like a walrus in six months, when I start whining :)
      Hugs
      Nina

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  4. Congratulations! Keeping anxieties at bay after miscarriages is hard. I lost my first two and had to be constantly reminded that each pregnancy is different. I now have 2 healthy kids.
    With regard to spanking, you might want to look at Libby's blog at submissive musings, she might have posted something about pregnancy and spanking.
    well done!
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Hello DF,
      thank you so much for your sympathy and support. I am so sorry that you had miscarriages, too but it is a real relief to read that you have two healthy kids now. I am sure they mean the world to you and even more so because of the times it went wrong. You are absolutely right, I really have trouble with keeping these anxieties at bay and I want to focus on the positive side and hope, but these last days I did not manage well to do so. Now it is much better again :) I'll definitely read in Libby's blog, thank you for the good idea. And thank you for the 'well done!' I loved that, it brought back a very pleasant memory :)
      hugs
      Nina

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  5. Congrats! I understand about being anxious but still needing to share! I know I wanted to wait past my 12 week stage, but just couldn't anymore past ten weeks. I wish you all the best!

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  6. Thank you Julia, it’s so lovely that you could relate. It was exactly this silly mix that drove me completely crazy. I know that it would have been better to wait another two weeks, but then again, the hopes and fears have been putting me into a situation where I finally could not wait any longer. It is one thing to tell hubby that the chance for a baby is there again and that felt so good. But these thoughts bothered me so much, that I just couldn’t wait any longer and now I just hope that it was no mistake, but I can only wait and see. :)
    Hugs
    Nina

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  7. Nina

    Congratulations and many prayers for you during this time. I hope that this pregnancy will go smoothly for you.

    love
    sara

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  8. Thank you Sara, I am all excited about it and for the moment, my hopes are far bigger than my fears. We also hope that the baby will be fine, it would mean so much to us. Sara, I appreciate your sympathy so much, thank you for that :)

    hugs and love

    Nina

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  9. I do know that fear can set up negative fibes throughout the body. Try instead thanking God for blessing you and your husband this time with this new life. Read, meditate and speak it for you and your baby out loud, believing the words found there in Psalm 139.

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    1. Hello Chappy, thank you for your reply. I am not overly religious in the way that I attend church on a weekly basis. But when you wrote about Psalm 139 you absolutely struck a chord in me, because this is one of the few ones that I have always remembered out of different (positive) reasons. Thank you for your advice :)

      Nina

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    2. Glad if I could help. Church attendance is just icing on the cake. The main thing is if one has a personal relationship with God, allowing Him to guide their steps and correct us when and where needed, then the faith only builds over time. I have often prayed for babies in the womb who were having major health problems...even one that was due to be born breach within 3 days. Myself and many others prayed, God reached down and turned the baby and the baby was born in the normal birth position. God is the one, I believe, who joins one egg, one sperm out of millions and He also designs each baby. So, I enjoy praying for all babies in the womb for God to form perfectly. I will keep you in my prayers for the months ahead. Enjoy your special time. Did you know that babies in the womb love to hear soothing music and the soothing love words from its mother and father? Blessings to you and husband.

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    3. Thank you LLCURRAN, I really appreciate that. Yes, we have heard that about soothing music, and also about the soothing love words. Although I do not always describe it that way, hubby and I are rather harmonious usually and therefore, I am sure that baby will hear a lot of positive sounds.

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  10. Congratulations also. My prayers are with you and your husband, for God to knit perfectly the baby as it grows within and for all the environment it grows in be perfect and conducive to the baby's good health and development.
    Regarding spanking.....we use a plastic flyswatter when my husband, who has back, shoulder, hip problems, can't spank when needed. It gives a good sting that gets across the point, without any damage or even jarring.

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    1. Chappy, thank you so much for your support and sympathy. We have tried a flyswatter and at that time I was so glad that hubby more or less forgot about it again. This could really be the moment when I should maybe remind hubby of this implement. Maybe it is possible to combine being very careful because of the baby with some smacks with the flyswatter. I remember it as feeling nasty, and, yes, stingy :)
      Thank you for that idea, I really appreciate that a lot.

      Nina

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