The Ok-timebomb

Yesterday, early in the morning, hubby saw me when I entered the kitchen with Tilda. “Hey, there are my two lovely girls! Good morning.” He was in a hurry, came over, hugged, we cuddled and without me having said anything I got one of his long looks and he asked “Are you ok?” I thought I was, seriously, only a little tired. Hubby left, but he was not too sure that I was right. He is my reader, but if you block off reading is not always easy, is it?

 

Tilda and I kept ourselves busy throughout the morning and I told her the newest stories about Mr and Mrs sock who went on a stroll, they went here, tickle tickle, and there tickle tickle, tickled the tummy, kissed the cheek, well, you get the idea. Laundry time is fun time. :)

Hubby made a short visit for lunch, which means there is not much time, but he got me into talking about my 3^rd granny. He did not ask whether I was ok verbally, he asked by looking at me, and I did not tell anything, because I thought all was under control; I am maybe tired. He got his answer nevertheless. ->I cannot even buy a birthday present secretly because it shows in my face and I am excited like a four-year-old and want to tell and everybody knows what’s going on. So, I am one of those who has to tell “I have a birthday present for you, but don’t ask me what it is because that would spoil the fun.” 

After lunch I had time to look at my emails. In Cat’s comment about Cora she had asked whether I was ok and I still thought I was, but this was the third time that I was checked on and actually it was the first time that I wondered about it. I had been worried all the time because of my 3^rd granny. She is currently in hospital and we had no news on Monday. She’ll be there at least till Friday and maybe later today is the only chance for us to visit her there this week. “It’s only a short stay” she said and I do get that she doesn’t want too many visitors or phone calls. No, I don’t really get it, maybe some. I don’t want her to feel lonely and I know she must feel that way, because she wants distance at the moment. Not from me, from everybody. :(

The last wake-up came from Amy later Monday afternoon. She had called and it has taken her about three words to interrupt me and tell me to let it all out. She had thought about my granny and knew beforehand that I’d have difficulties. We talked a long time, but all in all more about very old memories, because they start coming up with force these days. But I did feel much better from talking about it too, some stupid memories are there but I can handle that. I get a lot of support, online and at home, so, once the first days of March are over, all will be fine again.

But I do admit that there are too many things going on that bother me. I woke up last night, couldn’t sleep on, went to my easel, taped some paper on it and made some drafts. If Amy had seen any of these she’d have been worried, because she would have recognized them immediately as she has been through this with me and because of me. But I am not going to worry her more than I already have. She does not deserve any of that. I threw the drafts away and that made me feel really good.

Nevertheless, I wish that I had a ‘be an enigma-day’, only once a year, so that nobody could read me this easy and a down-time like this could quickly be forgotten again because nobody notices. Only one day, because otherwise I do not want to have any walls up, they are horrible because they stop those we love and who love us. 

 

Tuesday morning, I am certainly hormonal and still worried, but all it took to be better was Tilda. I breathed my little honey-bee in, we cuddled and played and she will help with the laundry again. :D  Maybe you know that there are moments when more sun and a complete make over are in order. I think right now I am there.

I don’t know how Tilda would cope if I was not blond, had a darker colour instead and the hair were shorter. Hmm, hubby is not strictly against it, but I’ll see that I do only something he likes to see. We’ll discuss that in detail and maybe my willingness to cut off hair will leave again, but I’d like a change. If I do change my style it could mean that the next baby would see me dark-haired first. Definitely no baby yet, but we are currently doing all it takes, with a lot of pleasure. :) So, it is not only the blahs here, but some worries have overshadowed the last days so much more than I was aware of. 

And even more so now

I hope that you all have a wonderful and awesome week 
with lots of kisses!