What if …. (still dealing with my complicated way to find Mr Right)

... my Master and I had never met? I know this is a rather hypothetical question but it is one which has always bothered me. Before we met I had already been together with one and a half other partners and we never managed to create real and lasting relationships. It never felt right for me. Now, I am happy about that, because with Master I have found the one and only man I really want. At that time I did not know what went wrong at all. It just did not work. Imagine, you have one of these fits, where you are just waiting for someone to talk to you so that you can explode. There are different ways of exploding, btw., e.g. irony, or, even worse, sarcasm, where you attempt to hurt the other one, intentionally. In my case, I also started being unfair and blamed my partner for whatever comes to mind. The reaction of an inexperienced boyfriend like the one I had then, could differ, but he tried to talk things through (which is great) but he did it the wrong way, by accepting inacceptable behaviour from my side. -> If you behave like a brat, you should be treated as such. That’s something that I learned much later only. Well, my then-boyfriend was not strong enough, he did not want to be strict, set rules or tell me when to stop. Sounds great for some, is a huge problem for one like me, because I tend to use the liberty given and use it in destructive ways occassionally. To make it short: he was not able to control me and I had no reason to control my behaviour because I never had to fear any consequences. I am sorry to say that, but I think that my first partner was simply too nice for me and not strong willed enough to stop me from being a brat. To my excuse I want to add that I was young (16 and a few months of 17) and I did not mean to do any harm. Of course I did not behave badly all the time, but it was enough to make us unhappy. The second partner was just like that, he was quicker in stopping the affair, though. I still had no clue why it did not work for us, even though I was told that I behaved bitchy and complicated.
This only describes my bratty side, which I hate and feel extremely bad about. But there is a second side that none of them could satisfy at all, because they were not right for me: they were not dominant and I was (am) submissive (which was not at all clear to me then). That they did not satisfy my submissive needs was the main reason why I was such a brat with them. But how could you possibly tackle a problem, if you do not even know what it was, or that it existed. In bed, in dealing with me, in helping me, they were never able to satisfy me emotionally. They were not even close to triggering emotions in me I did not know I had then. For me it is satisfying to be told what to do, this includes the bedroom. I am not talking about being a robot without personality or without my own will, it is just the way a man has to deal with me, talk to me, structure me, which makes the difference between feeling right or wrong, or rather emotionally involved or detached.
Later on, I met my husband and Master-to-be and he was all different from the beginning. He was extremely attractive, he set the mood for whenever we met, he took me out and behaved like a gentleman, but if I ever had any moments of beginning to brat, he stopped me. He even threw me out of the car once, to let me cool down when he thought I had behaved inappropriately without reason. Not nice, it rained! But none of these moments created a crisis like I had experienced before. Instead, he caused completely different feelings, and apart from love, two of the most important ones were trust and safety. I am not talking about punishments which include corporal punishments yet. Such physical correction was only part of our bedroom play at first, which felt fantastic.
Before I completely forget about what I want to say: What I realised after Master and I had started a serious relationship was, that I never had a chance with my former one and a half partners, because they were not dominant and I needed a partner who was exactly the opposite of them.
And with Master the good years have started, including problems, which we solved, including a lot of structure which has proven to set me free and allow me to live rather carefree.
So, if I had never met Master, I guess life would have been rather sad for me. Maybe I would have chosen to focus on a job career, to avoid thinking about a life in ruins, or I would still be in and out of relationships with men who were not good for me. Maybe I would have found someone similar to my Master, because this kind of man has always been more interesting for me than others. Whenever I think about this, I am so happy that it has come differently for us and that I have my husband and Master, my Mr Right.

I worked against the rules - I got spanked and I am grateful for it - and I mean it!

What I write here now is more like my way of sorting out for myself what was going on this afternoon.

Today Master and I had some time in the afternoon which we spent relaxed together (no sex, I am still waiting for that chance again). We started discussing and suddenly I found myself in an old trap (category: unwanted behaviour). I started being a bit bitchy and aggressive, because I did not like to listen and was unable to behave, though there actually was no real  reason for me to behave that way. Master was relaxed and calm all the time, not just in his outward appearance, but from deep within as well. This was one of these moments which showed quite well that he is the one who maintains an overview in times of crisis. My reactions are most of the time rather emotional ones and if I feel criticised, I often tend to take that badly and react not always reasonable, I am afraid. It does not even matter what such an affair is about, it is just the way something is said and how it enters my thoughts. Well, as I said, Master was  extremely patient with me, I really have to admit that and I am grateful that he was. At first I was not even able to see that I showed aggressive behaviour, I was loud, felt myself in a position where I just had to oppose anything Master said. He did not direct anything against me at all, it was just like an emotional fit, or like emotional chaos at that moment. It was just to say the opposite, to be against whatever was said. Maybe you have encountered such situations yourself, then you know how annoying this is. 

My real problem was that I did not even see at first that I behaved like that and afterwards, that I had trouble in admitting that I had finally seen it, even though I easily could have done so. Master offered many chances and ways out of the situation.

In such situations, I am also quite good at blaming someone else or to start putting in dummy arguments and things like that. Master knows that I tend to do that too, so he usually knows how to deal with that. But today he was reallllllllly patient with me, and once again I can only thank you for that, Sir. He explained what went wrong and since there was no aggression at all from his side, sooner or later, my bad behaviour just slipped away and I became rather frustrated because I had this feeling that I had let him down. He said that it was ok, because he just wanted to make sure that I understood the mechanism that had worked in me. This was not even about punishment at that time, because he just wanted me to see what had happened in my mind. Still, I acted against our rules and know that I deserve punishment and I want that, too. Master said that it is up to me to decide what punishment to receive this time, because I understood all too well what I had done.

Edit: We agreed on a spanking.

What makes a/our relationship work?

Of course, there is no complete answer to that. What works for us does probably not work for others and therefore this is not meant as a recommendation for anybody. These are only a few thoughts about why it works for us.


As for us, we spend a lot of time to make it work. Although in our relationship, Master could order me around all the time, I never have this feeling that he does it because he is too lazy or just takes advantage of me. On the contrary, he orders me around and I still have the feeling that he cares. But that does not mean that it is always this way, of course, there are situations, when he tells me to do things, just because he can, and since this is often connected to reminding me of my position, it is ok for me.
He spends a lot of time with me, and lets me know that I am appreciated by him. And whenever I get the chance, I do the same for him. I love to please him and it is difficult for me to keep my hands off him, which he knows all too well. We talk, we love each other and we show affection towards each other. We closely look at each other - with this I mean we try to find out, what might be going on emotionally in the other one.
During the week, we often have trouble spending as much time as we want to with each other. Master sometimes has to do business trips and then it could happen that we don’t see each other for a few days at all. When that happens, we try to find means to be together without being disturbed by anything or anybody at the weekend. Since I am at home most of the time, I have to make sure that during the week all chores are finished so that I don’t need to spend time on that on Saturday or Sunday. Due to Master being away for a while now and then, we talk even more about our to do’s for the upcoming week, and many of my duties at home are planned in advance for the whole week, just to make sure that all is fine and there is enough time that we can spend together at the weekend.


If we have plenty of time, which happens sometimes, when Master is there for a few weeks without much work to do, we enjoy jogging or swimming together. But there are also the nice treats that we try to have, such as surprise visits to nice places, short trips and so on.


So, on the one hand we do a lot to spend much time together, but on the other hand, there are also moments where we don’t want that, e.g. when we meet friends. We have friends we see together but also some who are either more his or mine. Therefore, although he likes to have control of me and I enjoy that too, there are also times when he lets me do things which are not meant to be shared with him, at least not until I want that. It is the same the other way round. I know that some probably might find it hard to believe that I have that freedom, if I consider myself a slave, but for me it is a privilege, not a right. I mean, after all, if Master wants to, I might be grounded or be under curfew for ever. But if our relationship worked only in such a strict and harsh way, I would probably give up and let everything happen without being emotionally involved anymore. I think that this kind of being together would be too chilling for me to cope with. This is no criticism at all, because others might need exactly what I could not stand and they would be unhappy in a relationship like ours.
To sum it up, if you have followed my rambling that far, we talk, we show love, we spend time with each other and although we want to spend as much time as possible together, we also want times with other people now and then. Talking about temperatures, I think our relationship is one full of warmth, even when Master is strict sometimes or punishes me, the reasons behind that are good ones.

Looking for Mr Right – is he a good or a bad guy?

Before you get me wrong here, I am not looking for Mr Right, I have already found him, hello Sir! This topic came up with a friend of mine and we were discussing, what her perfect partner would have to be like and what we are looking for in men. At first, I thought, that’s easy, because I know that I love Master out of many reasons, e.g. he loves me, he respects me, because being a slave is not like being nothing, he is honest with me, protects me whenever it is necessary, he is the one I can always talk to, at least when I have permission to do so. He is a lot of fun to be with, does unexpected things, he is true to his word, is compassionate, he is even tempered, physically and emotionally extremely attractive for me, so that I cannot resist at all and he knows which buttons to push in me, either physically or emotionally. He is a decision-maker and he prefers traditional rolemodels and cannot only be Master, but also be a real gentleman. This is the short version, I am sure it is not much different from the lists that others might have, and the order I wrote everything down in is more or less arbitrary.

But then she brought up the idea that we are usually looking for two kinds of men, the bad guy for fun/excitement and the protective one (daddy-type) for having a family, ideally you find the bad guy first, so that you could settle down peacefully with your own family after you got over the bad guy. I mean, her life is a bit like that and she is adventurous in relationships and still looking for Mr Right, but I don't believe that her thesis is true and what she is looking for in a man is not at all different from what I find attractive in men. But I seriously dislike this idea of being together with one man for the fun and later on with another for a family life, it sounds wrong for me, as if you betray someone.
Maybe it is just that you need to find this right combination of Mr Right and Mr Wrong, so that you can love him and feel comfortable with him for the rest of your life without being bored. But maybe it is just that some don't need the feeling of love, friendship and security that you have once you have decided for one and only one partner. Personally, the relationships before Master were all a complete mess and I know why. They were not what I was looking for, though at first I really had no clue what kind of man I actually was looking for. If you go away from this soft kind of women whisperer (not sure if that word exists at all) and step into the direction of someone who likes the more traditional way of life, also between men and women, then you go into my direction.


According to my friend, this bad guy, Mr Wrong, is more fun to be with, because he would be breaking rules and do things that are at least inacceptable, but exciting, because he does them. I could only disagree with that again, because I like (→ need need need) rules and structure in my life and I never had the feeling that Master would only be someone like the daddy type without also being the bad guy type. He is the best and most perfect mix for me, I know that for sure, but somehow I would have liked her to see that too, which was silly of me, because there is no need for me to convince anybody of anything (and actually she agrees that the two of us are a perfect match).


This proves to be quite difficult to put into words at all, but the short version is, that I felt offended, because for me it sounded as if she criticed Master and me. She did not, because I told her what I felt like, but the thought is still not gone. Maybe my idea about relationships is just too simple or too queer for others, or I am just too intolerant which is another thought that I don't like.

silly google+

google + has reduced my latest blog entries into the form of keywords.

Mine 

are 

#chocolate and #hormones 

They reduced me to that !


I hate that on the one hand, but on the other hand, I had a good laugh about it too. And afterwards I was sulking again. Oh my, it’s the hormones, where is my chocolate?


I know that Master is going to tease me with that. Maybe I should use more exciting words like sex, crime, love or fun more often. Especially because I used the word schizophrenic in my last post and don't want to be reduced to that one!


This is for the google+ keyword list: sex sex sex, crime, crime, crime, love, love, love, love, fun, fun, fun.
Ha, gotcha google+




Edit: 25th February 2014 I still have no idea when or why or according to what criteria my blog entries are keyworded by google+

The use of titles and names between Master and me

Most of the time I just say Master or Sir to my husband when we are alone. But there are also rare moments, when both of us feel as close as possible, when Master does not want to be called that, instead I use his first name then. This does not happen too often, and it is very special. There has been one time in bed, in an already very intimate moment, when we felt like that and he literally offered me to say his name, instead of any titles or nothing at all. For me that is a privilege, because I connect that with deepest love and trust and Master does not grant me that thoughtlessly. Maybe I make you laugh or sigh or just shake your head, but he left me in awe for a short time and he really positively shook me to the core. These moments are something that we always look out for.

Concerning titles, I sometimes differentiate between Master and hubby/husband when I write my blog here. Sometimes it just happens more or less by accident, because we are married, though we also live as Master and slave. Sometimes I do it intentionally, to show which role of my Master I actually refer to in that moment. The other roles are there too, don’t worry, but sometimes it just feels right to use a certain title or name and not the other. And it is in my blog, which is mine only, where I can write freely, as long as I don’t insult anybody or use foul language and things like that. Not that I have any intention of doing so, but if there is something that I could do wrong, I usually manage to do so, sooner or later. Hubby nods behind me, because he knows what I mean. I have once called the husband, not the Master, Chauvi, during a hot tempered discussion about women’s rights … which qualified as foul language and disrespect. And here I mean I called hubby that, because I would not have dared to call the Master in him by such a name. … Oh my god, I sound so schizophrenic now.  … But the other voices in me say I am not … Sorry, I could not resist, but I really don’t want to be rude. So if there is anybody with such a problem I apologize and if it hurt anybody I am seriously willing to delete the last lines.

What nice topics have you talked to your partner about during the weekend?

relationship

how to help each other / comfort each other in emotional crisis'

why we like what we do and who we are

sweet memories

review of past weeks' events

obedience → it is a really important anchor for me; thumbs up

discipline s.a.

favourite food (real food, not chocolate this time)

restaurant

10 favourite ways of teasing him

10 favourite ways of torturing me

sex (I am still waiting…)

massages

babies (we are late, but working on it)

single friends

friends with babies (all married)

hair styles (his: short cut; mine: slightly curled at the moment, no curls again soon)

clothes/fashion

to do's for the next week (chores are ok or even nice, but sewing is fantastic!!! This time it is really easy, it is a Viking maid’s outfit for one of my little nieces)

shoes (no joke!)

sports (this time it was only about jogging through the fields, preferably at daytime)

blogs

The Voice

painting pictures

drawing pictures

this could be an endless list, though these above are the ones that were best

Wife and Hubby in a car - basic behaviour

 As I sit here on Saturday morning to think about what happened during the week, I eat apple slices, because they are better for me than chocolate (see below, my chocolate and hormones rambling explains that) and I smile, finally. I am still not feeling too well, but all is better than it was earlier this week. And I have several good reasons to smile (but still no climax).

1st Master gave me a sort of spanking, because I had asked, no begged, for it. He was gentle and though I was on his lap and could not see him, while I presented my bottom, he talked with me and made sure that the spanking was only for me to make me feel better. Thank you Sir, it really worked.

2nd I can still sit well, which feels good. If you have never had the experience to enjoy sitting,  try different uncomfortable ways and then do it the most comfy way possible. No calories at all, and it is for free!

3rd We went out last night ... by car.

The important bit here is, that it was by car, the lovely bit was that we went to a restaurant. After a turbulent week where all ups came from Master and all downs from me, this was meant to be a real treat for the both of us, and I loved every moment of it. So did Master. I add that, because I still have a bad conscience because of some behaviour issues I had during this week and he definitely deserved a nice night out, far more than I did! Anyways, off we went, nicely dressed, I even knew where we would go, which is not always the case. Sometimes he just tells me what to wear and then he takes me to some lovely place.We both love it that way, surprises are great.

Well, after a while in the car, I started commenting  'you are too...' and he only shot a single slightly annoyed glance into my direction. I stopped immediately and never said another word about how he should drive or not. This is one of the rules I'd rather follow in complete silence. No comments or nagging during the ride, or else.... . Usually I would not even have started commenting, because I know that rule well and if I don't like what I see, I can close my eyes and wait until we have reached our destination. You can imagine how difficult it is to keep your eyes closed, if you don't want to sleep, so I just remain quiet and look elsewhere.

Just to think about the situation makes me laugh, because whenever there was anything wrong concerning the car, driving, parking in a no-parking zone, being too fast or things like that, it was absolutely always me. Not him, ONLY me. He has never ever had to pay anything because he did any of these things. But Master is generous and pays for what I do. Well, he has to, because he earns the money for the both of us. I pay afterwards, at home, usually with a verrrry sore and red bottom. See 2nd, above about the advantages of good sitting ... and there is no connection to driving well and hormones. I mean, when I drive like a slob, I do it all the time, not only one week a month.

W.B. Yeats Lake Isle of Innisfree - give it a chance

Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee,
And live alone in the bee loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.
                     - W.B. Yeats





It is not my own writing, but one of my absolute favourite poems ever. I love the peaceful setting and the feeling of harmony it creates.

Give me sex - no wait, chocolate, no sex, I don't know anymore, I am all lost atm

If you have read my last entry, you know what I felt like then. This is about one hundred gazillions worse than ever. Master has not granted me anything that could give me some release, though I really have to admit that it is my own fault by now. Right in the middle of Master's game of tease and denial my monthly need for chocolate, additional hugging, sex, if possible and all the other things, set in. I am emotionally out of balance at the moment, which is just the result of my silly hormones, and I am still extremely frustrated, because Master would not touch me sexually this week, because I misbehaved. Taking cold showers does not help at all against sexual desires, it is only good to get a nice and healthy skin! And to add to that, during my period I don't like cold water at all. So, whatever is going to happen this week, I have this feeling that not much is going to be good about it.
I was out of focus and started being a brat and behaved the way I should not. Pouting was the nicest bit of it, but because Master likes my mouth a lot and because he knows what's working in me these days, it was not part of the real problem (trying to avoid following rules, starting arguments without reason, doing chores badly, not doing chores, because I forgot about them and grouching among other things). I did not use swear words, though I felt like it, but I feel bad, because I really know that I was bratty, at least yesterday and Monday. Today I am all sorry, and Master knows that. He is around to spend time with me, which is lovely, so I get a lot of hugs, we talk a lot, he openly shows a lot of love and affection towards me.  Actually, I am so glad about this that I could cry, but on the other hand I also have a really bad conscience, because I was such a brat. My behaviour was not directed against him, it was against anybody and anything and against myself. There will be no punishment for me at all at the moment, apart from me still remaining sexually frustrated, because he won't give me a climax this week. He told me that is more than enough to bear for me this week and all will be good again, if I try hard to behave my best. Jogging did not help much against my frustration and bad conscience, and the dark grey weather outside just made me feel depressive (don't worry, I am not). Chocolate is good, but even though I love it, I stop eating after a few minutes, because I feel fat then. I am not fat, just vain, but whatever I do, does not help much. I am not sure whether I would get a spanking, if I asked for one, but I am close to asking for it, so that I could have a true ventile for my frustration, because that is still lingering in me and I hate that feeling. Well, I don't know yet what to do, but at least I have apologized and I really regret that I misbehaved. Still, this mix of being horny and frustrated from it, and at the same time, not being able to calm down because of the hormones is a horrible mix for me, hard to endure, and surely hard to endure for my Master as well. Where is my chocolate? Afterwards I could go jogging again. Oh, it is dark outside, so I would not be allowed to leave the house alone, no sexual activity in sight, well, I might give the cold and hot water another try before I definitely will ask for a therapeutic spanking from Master, otherwise I am never gonna sleep for the rest of this week.

Sorry for my rambling

being taught a lesson in humility

Last weekend Master has very clearly reminded me that I am his slavegirl. As if I needed a reminder for that. We both know that I am all his, and we both like it that way. It was during one of our evenings (Friday night)  when we did a lot of talking, and everything was quite relaxed for the two of us. Nevertheless, I had had this idea that he was up to something, though I could not at all say what was different. Then, he changed the topic, first we talked about likes and dislikes during recent nights of love and during sessions, which is a nice topic for us, because usually it ends with us having some lovely dirty kind of sex again. If the topic is like that, it feels like you stand in front of a chocolate shop and see all the nice things and later, you go in and buy a surprise bag full of chocolate goodies. Yumm Yumm.
Well, this time, Master had different ideas. After  some time, when we talked about our relationship, I got told by my earnest looking Master that I am all his, including my breasts and my vagina, of course, and also the right to have an orgasm, among other things. That's nothing new for me, because it has been like that  for years by now and I have been tried on that in the past repeatedly. And that was exactly Master's idea for me. We lay on the bed, a very big and comfy one, which is our favourite place to spend time talking and do other things. He started teasing me, touching, caressing, fondling, later on he used me, so that I came closer and closer to my own orgasm, if I were allowed to have that, I mean. You can guess, what he did. I got teased by him over and over again and I begged to be released and of course he did not do so. It was ok for one night, because I thought, this was only from Friday to Saturday, but no, Saturday to Sunday was the same. I got teased and brought close to orgasm, several times. I love it when I am just used sexually, because it still feels good to me, but it is different, if your owner actively does everything to raise your expectations, brings you closer and closer and then doesn't finish what he started, on purpose. It is as if you stand in the chocolate shop and have found the best chocolate goody ever and then you realise you forgot your money at home and the shop is going to close for the weekend. A catastrophy! It went on like this for the whole week! As a result, Master has created an extremely frustrated and over-horny slavegirl who is bitchy and close to exploding, just from mentioning anything about release, being set free, or any other kind of sexual innuendo.  You should see his face, as he observes me now and then. He looks as if he had done nothing at all, but whenever he touches me, by accident (haha), and in arousing places, he has this devillish look sparkling in his eyes. By the way, at the moment, virtually any spot on me has turned into an erogenous zone. So any time I am touched by him, I stop moving completely, to breathe away the sensual experience, because otherwise I really would lose control. Master  would  not allow me to come, not yet, that is. But he is very pleased with himself, because he knows that I have already passed a point where I would do anything for him, just to be allowed one single orgasm.
I don't know how long he is going to continue his game with me, but I hope it ends soon, because I feel desperate. Don't get me wrong though, because I feel extremely cared for and loved by my Master, too. This is why there is no way out of the situation for me, I am all his.

PS: I am not a sex-maniac, and usually I don't think about sex all the time, but I like sex, of course. Well, actually I feel like a maniac at the moment and can only think about sex right now, but that is only Master's fault.