New observations about your blogs and mine

1. Thank you all, I appreciate the support and sympathy that you give me so much more than I can express here and it really is warming my heart, especially now, with me preparing to be looking like a walrus.

2. According to the sky-rocketing stats, you love entries when I am sort of angry and express that and you love the good news of being pregnant. ... My life is a bit like a soap-opera at the moment, I guess. :)

3. I have found that I have a personal favourite of my own texts. It is The moment of 'hands down!'.

4. The blog entries in other DD blogs are absolutely lovely and exciting and I love them.

5. I keep forgetting what I wrote about in past entries.

6. The text about Self-control is still your all-time favourite. ... And I still have no idea why.

7. But the text with the skull on it is coming closer. Creepy.

8. When I use the words do-gooder and know-it-all I feel like a firestarter, but EsMay said that I was not rude in the article they were in. Thank you EsMay, sometimes I really am not sure if I end up being offensive, and I don't want to be like that. In such moments it is great if someone is there to help.

10. I still speak faster than I think.

11. Sometimes I type faster than I think, too.

12. For the last three days, hubby has been humming 'I am the walrus' whenever he passed me by, while I was blogging. Seriously, you cannot see anything yet, but everytime he does that I keep touching my belly.

13. I like enigmatic and mysterious titles for my entries more than you do :)

14. I still love lists (obviously)

15. There have been  entries in blogland that made me cry out of different reasons. But all these entries had in common that they were written with so much emotional warmth, sympathy and also seriousness, that they are outstanding for me. Some were simply heartbreaking. Somehow, I keep forgetting my own entries, but definitely not those that made me cry.

16. What I read in blogland makes me very grateful about the life that hubby and I have and we have every reason to feel blessed. I may not be too good at praying, but I definitely am into sending my best thoughts to some here who I only wish to have much more happiness and less sorrows.

17. Blogging can lead to unexpected changes in my moods, at least it has been like that for the last weeks. It happened from 14 to 15 and from 16 to 17 again. :)

18. Sorry, still dealing with 15.

18.1 Some of my entries are written in a way that resembles a maze. And readers and writer sometimes probably get lost in them. :) see 17.

19. You guys rock, I love that I can read in your blogs what your lives are like, what you think about, what bothers you or makes you happy, what you feel in happy and sad moments and what you do to keep your relationship healthy, what you do to make it work, how you connect with your partner and what it sometimes takes to keep you in line, too. :)

20. If you have read that far, you might also like lists :)

Good news, hopes and fears

It is the hormones :)

 The good news is, just as I have already felt for weeks and known for days, I am pregnant again :) . If our past had not been one of ill fate whenever it came to babies, you would see me all happy, full of joy and full of everything positive you could think of. Well, actually I feel like that, but there is always a good portion of fear part of it. I have had miscarriages in the past and still have trouble coping with that. It makes me very sad and I feel the great loss most of the time. I am not even able to write more than these few words about it, because whenever I think about the loved ones that are not with us, it drives me crazy. I feel so endlessly helpless then, which is nothing I want to feel in these moments. I don't know if it makes sense, but in these moments I feel so incomplete, as if someone has cut out a huge piece of me and it is gone forever, and this really hurts too much.

Hubby and I have always wanted a lot of kids around our table and so far we just never even had a fair chance for one. The doctor says that it should all be fine now, this time, though we also got the warning that everything is possible in the early weeks. I am currently in my tenth week. I have ignored the little changes as long as possible, because I really thought it would not happen anyway. Well, that and I was too afraid of what might happen - again. I thought closing eyes would help, which is pretty unlike me, but I simply did not want to face that I might actually be having a baby.

So, that I write this here now, is just because I need to express myself, I simply couldn't wait any longer. Hubby does not know that I write this here, yet, but he'll surely understand. He has been even more caring lately and I am so grateful for that. I have been completely strung up the last days, always moving from hope to fear and back. Will it work out this time? There is no answer to that yet, and I just hope so much that we will get our chance and have our baby.

Our holiday came just in time to save me from these gloomy thoughts. We did not tell anybody anything yet, just in case. I know that some of you know what that feels like, this 'just in case'. But our days with the family were absolutely great and we could push the sorrows that haunted us, away for that time. They were rather carefree days for us in a moment when we felt sort of tense.

So, this is, why my entry is a little awkward. I am happy on the one side, we are, hubby's feelings are not different from mine when it comes to our baby. Then again, I feel like carrying a burden with me (the ambiguity is unintended). Usually I would have waited another two weeks before I'd have mentioned anything here, about us having a baby, but I just could not wait any longer. I am so torn between telling everybody and keeping my mouth shut, 'just in case'. And it makes me sad that I have this thought of 'just in case' too often at the moment. I'd love to tell everybody that finally we'll have a baby that survives, but I don't dare.
My best friend knows, but apart from hubby she is the only one. We have had the first scan and could even see a little tiny bit of our baby :) . My hopes are flying high and even though I am sort of  torn, the longer the little spot on the screen is doing fine, the more I hope. And then I feel how this 'don't tell anybody, just in case' creeps up again. :(

So, what can I do?  I'll do all the doctor says, just to save you.  I'll sleep enough, live healthy, do sports, but not too much, don't do anything that could hurt you.You are dear to me, even now. You are still too small to be felt, but I feel the changes. Little changes, nice changes. No morning sickness (!), we feel fine. :) Not even chocolate hunger yet, instead we eat salad and fruit. I want to do things right, do all I can, but there is not really much to do for me. I have to wait and see. But we would love to hold you so much.

If I don't manage to blog as much as I'd like to, in the next weeks, it'll only be because everything is fine. If I look at my last entry before this one, it might be better this way too, for some :). I don't want to judge or criticize anybody here, because I don't like that in my writing. Still, I did it, I know. ... It's the hormones :)

A N D, I have a request for you too: I asked the doctor about spanking, bedroom type, of course. She said within limits, just as a turn on, it is fine and nothing can happen. Currently, I have no clue about how much spanking for discipline we can do now. If there is anybody with an answer to that, we'd really appreciate that. We don't want to risk anything concerning the well-being of our baby and therefore, more than realllllly light spanking is out of the question right now. Hubby definitely has different ways of keeping me in line, but I'd love to have some real physical discipline, at least now and then, if no harm can come from that.

Oh no, she's close to explosion ! Duck and cover !

This is definitely one of those days where I am going to be strange, detached, maybe unfair too. So, all I can promise at this moment is, that I am not going to mention wrapped presents, because if I do mention those, my texts are somehow bound to be incomprehensible.

There are several things that went wrong today, only one day after our happy return home :|  and there are some others that make me extremely nervous and pent-up at the moment, because they are closely connected to our greatest wish of having kids. 

My current emotional state is one where I'd rather explode out of frustration, because there are  things which I have no way of changing anything about, although I'd literally do anything to change chances just slightly to our advantage. 

In addition to that,  I have read a statement today which showed once again to what degree DD is misunderstood and that makes me sad. Well, currently more angry, because I can't change anything about that either. 

I think when I read about how much DD can be misunderstood, I was sort of offended, and I was not even personally attacked, but nevertheless, the thought implying that DD could be abusive, haunted me. I hate this idea, because it puts everyone who is HoH and administers DD into a corner where they don't belong.  There is e.g. my hubby. He cares for me. He loves me dearly. He'd  give his life for me and he'd always protect me from harm. This includes protecting me from myself. 

And then again, he is the one who puts me over his lap. He is the one who uses a very nasty cane on me, too, at times. Then there are people who say, 'this stuff is abusive, if you try to justify it, it is just because you are psychologically not able to detach from your abuser' and other similar nasty things which are only used to degrade people and it is done without much profound knowledge. I absolutely hate this reasoning because it symbolizes the opposite of any form of tolerance for me. When I see DD, I see so completely different things, compared to what some critics see. For me it is about talking, opening, being vulnerable, love, becoming a better person too, trust and giving life a structure that you can use to live with. For them it is only negative, because they fall for the image of someone screaming and crying. They cannot see what I see behind it. I see the chance to let go, to reconnect, to trust and so much more. 

It reminds me of the prejudices that many people connect with bdsm. It looks violent at times, therefore it must be; which is not true, of course.

Well, I know that everything connected to DD is a blessing for us. Although I have my share of problems to carry, I have always felt that everything became easy with DD. Hubby and I communicate, we have reasonable rules, we care for each other and are in a loving relationship, where everything is safe, sane and consensual. I am not some psychologically needy and weak character, at least not more than you. :)

Then there is a self-proclaimed know-it-all and tries to wipe away so much of what matters to us with some biased, prejudiced and really unfair comments which do not even contain any acknowledgement of DD being a consensual way of solving problems. This is about adults who consented and I am not advocating anything related to minors at all, because they cannot consent. Adults can.

Well, I have the feeling you might read between the lines that I felt offended. What offended me most was that I saw hubby's way of dealing with me attacked. I, as the one who is on the receiving end, can only state here that it is the best way I know about and it is what made the most positive changes in my life possible at all. And, just to make that clear, I have never ever been beaten or abused by my parents throughout my childhood, so this is not connected to the victim-seeks-to-repeat-negative-experience-theory, either. But the chain of thought that I happen to see again and again, whenever someone wants to criticize DD is always connected to either the abuse-argument or some imaginary psychological problems that those who do DD are implied to have. Or, as an alternative, some do-gooder wants to help the poor DD-practicioners out of their misery by advising them to use other ways. You can even read that some dispute whether DD relationships could be full of love at all. 

This is so unfair and it vexes me far more than it should, because what we do is done in our home and there's no reason for me to bother. Nevertheless, obviously it does. I can't help it, ... to get out of my frustration I'll go running through the woods now, yes, it is unexpected, but I am not going to ask hubby for a spanking.

Sorry if I have offended someone here. If so, it has happened unintentionally, and if my choice of words was inappropriate, let me know, because I am willing to correct that, if necessary.

And, to complete my rambling, whatever you do, be safe, sane and consensual

Back in town !

We are back! The plane did not crash, I even survived that we had to drive on the wrong side of the street :) Just teasing. If you are used to driving on the right side (continent) and then go left for a week, this is a major and accident-prone change. In England, I almost got run over two times, because I am obviously left-right challenged. Then we came back to Hamburg and I almost got run over again, because I had adapted to the British way of driving on the  left. ... I think I am not going to leave the house for another week, just to make sure. :)

And we made it out of the rain. I had expected that we would be in closer range of the flooded areas, 

but actually the weather was far better than I had thought, sun included, and I learned that we were not in any danger at all. Still, there are many regions in the west, where a lot of damage has been caused, as far as I know. 

For us, the greatest part was, to see all of the family again. We had such a great time and enjoyed every minute of it. I think when we started, hubby was a bit tense, which was probably more because he had not been back home for a while and when you live far away, this is quite different from visiting family who live nearby. But as soon as we had been through the door and got hugged by parents, brothers and sils, everything was fine again. We got a very warm welcome that came so much from the heart, that it immediately led to a lot of good tears. Lol, all women present cried and it just felt right and good that way. :) I think everybody was relieved that the lost son (<--- hubby) had returned home from the far away and exotic country of Germany. And he had brought his beloved and beautiful princess with him (<--- me :)   ). Sorry, I just can't resist this silly stuff at times. I guess it is because I am currently grinning broadly out of happiness. We have had such a good time that it really hurt to leave again, because we really are close and you could  feel that every moment. We would have loved to take the intensity of this feeling home, because it really is special and different when you are there with loving relatives, compared to phone talk or writing letters. And just thinking of hubby's mom and dad, brothers and their families makes me happy this very moment. I love them dearly and started missing them again the very moment we left again.

Then we had a quick and uneventful journey by plane, which I am glad about, because I really was a afraid of flying this time. Nothing happened and I am feeling silly now, because I was so afraid, but I can't help it. All in all, our trip was more than a holiday, it really felt like coming home and hubby and I enjoyed that more than anything else.

So, finally we have returned and everything is fine here for the moment. I'll try to find back to writing as soon as possible, once the laundry is done and lunch is served. :)

Holiday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yippie ! Monday we are on our way off .... but only for a week :( .... :) but one week with the family is great. 

I have been excited out of different reasons during the last days, but now I am starting to be dead nervous, too. I think because of the flight. We will only have a rather short flight, but somehow the whole idea of travelling, I mean real travelling, not just driving to the supermarket, makes me a bit nervous. I couldn't even sleep last night because I had to think about all the family we would meet again. I can't wait to see them. We'll be in London in no time and then go south ... east, not into the floods, which I am rather happy about. Just into the rain, but that's fine, because I don't think we'll be outside much there at all.:)

...And flying is safer than car driving ... safer than driving with me anyway, hubby says. Thank you for that, Sir. :| 

I think it is safer with me in a car, because all I hit are lamp posts with a car. Imagine if British Airways hit something with one of their huge planes. Ugh, if it didn't take so long, I'd rather go by ferry. --->I am a  good swimmer, just in case.

Only one night and then, England here we come. Anyways, we are so happy that we can finally go home, see everybody we have missed for so long! :)

See ya in a week.

PS: I absolutely appreciate comments and will try to  answer as soon as  I can ... but not this week, because we'll be on holiday, Yippie ! :)

DD - my decision from the heart

What would you do for the one you love most?

If you really love somebody, you'd do all for him, I think. Would you ask about paychecks first? No, definitely not. The whole thing started when a friend of ours and I talked about 50 Shades. She has said something I found vexing. She does not know about ttwd and she said something like she'd leave immediately if someone treated her the way Mr Grey treated Ana in 50 Shades of Grey. So, for her it is more important to be independent than to be with the one you love most. I know this is very controversial, because there are reasons for both sides, but I would not consider leaving my husband under any circumstances I could think of. I can understand the idea of independence from a partner, rationally, but I could not enjoy it at all, because emotionally it would leave me empty.

It would be too cold for me without this kind of love

That I don't want to live independently, but the opposite, is not a decision of careful thinking, it is something from deep within. If I had the choice, indepence, a life without restrictions, a life with friends but without the one and only who also has demands, without the one who insists on his  place in your life,  or love with the closeness that I see as part of it, this would always be easy to decide for me. I have already decided for love and all that came with it. Since I consider our relationship the best possible (hopefully, you consider yours the best possible, too :) ), this is easy to say. One important part of our relationship is about him deciding over me, fine, I love that. I feel good with it and it helps me to feel submissive too, which I love so much, too.

I know I am not really fair, because the ways relationships work, are a little complicated at times. I know that I should not portray anything in black and white here at all. The point is, that I have had a period of time in my life, where I was what many women call 'independent'. It was empty, it was cold, I had friends who saved me from much, but I did not have my hubby and Master then. My experience from that life is bad. I had so much 'freedom' and  'independence' that it hurt. Well, now, I don't have that unrestrained kind of life, because I have someone who cares more for me than anybody else. I have someone I care for more than for anybody else. I have given up something I was glad to push away from me. I sound dramatic, I know, it ended a good ten years ago, so no  reason to worry. But I see and feel the difference every minute.
The life before hubby and before submitting completely, was empty for me. If you have ever had such an experience, then you know that it is not worth reliving. And what I have learned from this empty time, is that it is not for me. This is why I don't see more than black and white there. I guess I don't want to differentiate tonight.
What hubby and I have, is so much more than anything I have ever had before. I feel rich, blessed, lucky and it makes me happy. It satisfies my deepest desires.

I should probably apologize for my rambling, for being too oversentimental lately and for being unfair towards those who enjoy  another way of life than the one we have. I do, I am sorry. I don't want to annoy anybody here, and I don't want to offend anybody. On the contrary, I hate when I am the reason for anger of any kind and would always prefer to produce a nice smile and create happiness.

They talk more than average couples ... they must be doing dd

I know I exaggerate endlessly, but whenever I see vanilla couples and hear what some women have to say, I have this idea that they must miss something that touches them deep within. It is an idea only, and maybe it is completely wrong and just a product of my imagination. 

But since I could feel the difference and the advantages between what vanilla and dd relationships are like, my experience tells me that dd is such a huge enrichment of everything that is part of the relationship two partners can have. 

They have to talk more, to make it work. They have to trust each other, they have to learn from mistakes and if the HoH fails, he has to be able to learn from that just as the submissive partner has to learn from mistakes. 

The role of spankings is another additional benefit. It can help to create discipline, it definitely helps to stick to rules that the partners have agreed on, and the positive changes as a result of that are tremendous. So, dd-partners sit and talk and discuss what has happened to them, probably also why e.g. she could not listen or do as told. If they have come a long way, they already know well how to talk, so that  both feel valued and nobody is hurt as a result of them talking about what led to a punishment. If they are still finding their way through dd, they will surely notice that they have to learn how to talk differently when they discuss things. This alone is a huge benefit. I don't say that vanillas don't talk or can be as close as I imagine a majority of dd-couples to be. But I think that if the dd relationship works, there are effects that bring the couple together. 

I could probably rant for hours about the positive emotional effects of loving domestic discipline. Spankings have been most beneficial for me, and according to those who blog about spanking in blogland, it is the same for them. 

There are different ways to connect to your partner, sure. According to my experience, spanking is a safe bet to connect. The way I connect through spanking goes definitely far beyond anything I have experienced before I learned about dd.  The second best way that I know is related to scening. So, it is sex-related. Talking is the third one and I think that talking adds to the other two as well.

I bite my tongue

Well, the friend who I mentioned in my introductory paragraph doesn't know about ttwd and I should be used to people who disapprove or dislike the whole idea and concept of dd. Still, such remarks always leave me uneasy and I would love to tell them something like 'You have no clue' or similar things and tell them about the benefits. Instead, I bite my tongue each and every time. If the circumstances are right, I'd always admit that bedroom-spankings are charged with erotic energy. My friends understand that, but that's only bedroom spanking. I'd never say more than that and would always prefer to change subjects. But deep inside, I always regret such moments and would have loved to tell them all, 'Go for it, forget about your prejudices, look at what happens if you try it.'

So touching - get your hankies out !

While brooding over another half-written text, I found a very heartbreaking story. Since we are still hoping to be parents one day, this clip really touched my heart and made me cry. 

But I think it also is inspiring.

project-unbreakable

This is very serious and important to me. I think this is a cause everybody should support.


 project-unbreakable


They also have a tumblr page




Sorry, no other entries today. :( But I hope I can blog something more than just links this week. :)

And now for something cute

be yourself


it is from the same homepage as the first video

For moms and moms-to-be

I am not a mom yet, but I just watched this little video and it really moved me. I think it is lovely what the people in it have to say.

for all moms and momstobe

Dirty talk and red ears

Oh my,  this is a topic which lets me blush immediately. I detest rude language in any form. Colloquial language is ok, but not worse than that. Even the few times I have used words in my blogs which were inappropriate, I knew I wanted them in my text for dramatic effect or because they were said that way by others. Still, they always create this uneasy feeling in me. For many, my low dirty talk threshold would be more like their starting point, I assume. Then again, I don't mind giving genitals their proper name and I can talk about sex in detail for hours and in public, without a problem. But start alluding to sexual acts with a non-matter of fact language and I will blush completely and chances are that I cannot even talk, because it is so embarrassing for me. My ears are like the red in traffic lights then. Yeah, really cute with blond hair, thanks.

And then there is hubby. He knows how I feel about rude and openly dirty language and he likes to play with my low tolerance in that area. Just like I love to tease him in my ways, he does the same with me in his ways. Yesterday he sort of went to my limits with it. He just teased me, there is nothing he would ever say that would feel degrading or hurt otherwise, and therefore, I am not afraid of it, but I dislike most of the words, usually. He did it throughout the afternoon and evening. And though I did not like all of it, there was this mix, which made it very funny too. Dirty, funny and sooner or later I could feel that he really had me all aroused without doing much more than filling his talking with sexual allusions and touching me a little here and there. I  was doing the dishes in the evening, when I realized just how much hubby had me heated up already and I would have wished to be taken, right there and then.

There were funny things, of course, which are innocent under ordinary circumstances and some do not qualify as dirty talk at all. 'Open Sesame' is one of them. Perfectly fine under any circumstance, but not innocent with him spreading my legs. Since I hesitated a moment when he said that, he said it again. This time a bit differently, slower 'open says me'. It really is funny in such a moment, of course, even I can laugh about that. Well, this is more alluding than dirty talk, but there are rude words for genitals and for the activities that we usually do with them. I am definitely n o t going to repeat these here. Instead there are these harmless ones, which are actually nice ones. It is very exciting, even for prudish :) me, to say something like 'I love what you do to me with your tongue.' But I already blush if hubby says something like 'I want to ####### you with my hard ####### !' or 'suck my stiff ######!'These are rather harmless examples, and hubby's supply is endless, I think.

Surprisingly, when hubby used 'Open Sesame' it did not really take much to let me ride my wave. See, I can do it too, but I don't think it is offensive or rude this way. :) Actually, yesterday was sort of different, because hubby really teased me long with this. Allusions now and then are pretty normal for many couples, I guess. But if you get that for hours, again and again, I think you could expect it to be over the top. Nevertheless, I really have to admit, that it worked with me. I guess that's why I am writing about it at all. I have a negative position when it comes to this way of talking and the result is that I have a massive orgasm from it. That's surprising for me. I really was riding my wave high and long, with hubby's permission. And it only took seconds to get there.

So, rude language, swear words and dirty talk are one huge forbidden area of language for me. I don't know why and how, but it is there and I usually stay away from it as far as possible. But then there is hubby. He pushes the right button in me, creates red ears and effectively silences me completely with talking moderately dirty. It can be outright annoying, true, but then, there is this moment when I have to realize, yes, it left an impression. Yes, it made me feel good, and yes, I still hate that kind of language. Yes, I would like to have that experience hubby gave me again, and yes, I have signal red ears now.

Rituals - let the games commence !

When I thought about the sensual side of a scene in my last post, the idea came up to write a follow-up on it. It is about how I prepare for scening. What are my rituals?  Why do we prepare at all? Master has got rituals too, of course, though the idea behind those is always the same, both of us want to please the other one. Just like Master does that for me, I do it for him.

This is about the preparation and anticipation that comes along if you prepare for a full-fledged kind of D/s rendez-vous. Whips and beating included, of course.

Physical rituals and anticipation

So, usually, days are busy here for us. Hubby will be away for most of the day, whereas I do my chores at home. Usually, chores are finished when hubby comes back, so that I find time to see that I can prepare everything for an upcoming scene that he might have planned. I want to get  my head free of daily routine thoughts, want to relax, I want to smell in a way that he loves to breathe me all in. I love it when he does that. I want to make sure that I look my best, which is usually not a matter of clothes, because during scenes I am kept naked mostly. I want my hair to be soft and nice-looking but out of practical reasons it usually ends up in a kind of ponytail. I don't think I have mentioned before that Master sometimes grabs it to direct my head. I want to take a shower. If there really is plenty of time, I might also enjoy taking a relaxing bath. Maybe, I have to do some shaving. More?  Make sure the skin is soft and not dried out. Brush your teeth and so on. You know what you usually would do for your lover, don't you.

The whole procedure, especially if I really have much time for it, creates anticipation for what might happen during the scene. You might even see me grinning at myself in the mirror, thinking about some pleasurable previous scene. What about make-up? If it is my choice, I use waterproof make-up during scenes. Often, hubby wants me without, sometimes he wants the normal one, which washes away rather quickly. I guess it's the dramatic effect behind it, that he likes. When I am beaten to heaven, I cry. It's the nice crying.  Imagine what I look like after it, if black streaks of Mascara run down the face. It looks as if I have endured hell, but it felt surely sort of heavenly for me. Hubby loves that. I'd prefer my immaculate looks, but it would not really fit into some scenes.  All full of welts, bottom sore and dark red, I cried a river, shaking from exhaustion and then the make-up is perfect. Even I understand that it might spoil the atmosphere a little.

Emotional attunement

Well, you can probably see that this part of the preparation is a nice treat in itself. If you are only waiting for the scene to begin, you are already well prepared, probably, because you trust your partner completely. You can enjoy the idea of it. Sometimes, while taking a bath, imagining how we come closer, or how I am completely at his mercy, helps to get into the mood as well. It helps to open up, so that you would like to start better now than later. 

If there are troubles somewhere in the back of your mind, try to get rid of these. Maybe this sounds easier than it is at times. If you are afraid of something that might happen during the scene,  communicate that to your partner early on. When I think about scenes, they are meant to be pleasurable for the sub and the dom. Do all the talking that you need to feel safe. Here, trust is most important. I mean, if I had not enough trust in my partner, I could not simply let myself fall into a scene. Maybe he would do things that let me think about my dark abyss. That's a complete turn-off and scene-killer. 

No, what you want is the opposite, all the nice pain, the exciting emotions, and they are what you prepare for. What you want is that your partner cherishes you, that he accepts you for what you are and what you want and need. This is the safety that probably everybody needs, enough trust to open up and to show who you are. 

Imagine the effects of this trust for your relationship and yourself. You have someone who does the things you want. He does not judge you, he even loves you for what you want. You show him what you need, and he loves you for that too. You and your partner can try out new ideas, new scenes. You will have the atmosphere sizzling with erotic energy between the two of you, sometimes completely unexpected, but more than ever before. You will feel how rich your life has become. If you think about such things while you wait and prepare for your partner, and these thoughts produce a warm and pleasant feeling, or they just make you happy, you are already absolutely prepared to let the games commence.

As usual, when I refer to she I mean the sub and with he I mean the dom. This is just because I find it more convenient because it is the D/s combination that we have here. Any other combination is just as fine as the one we have in our relationship, as long as it is safe, sane and consensual.

Two misconceptions about DD and D/s

 The reason why I write this little entry is, because I have thought about how negative some people speak about BDSM. Some don't get it. Since I have been one who did not understand it, more than a decade ago (oh, now I really feel old), but has learned a lot by now, I want to tell what DD and D/s feels like for me. It feels better than good :) 

 

political correctness and consensus in D/s

Before I learned more about DD and D/s, this unfinished thinking, that a woman who submits to a man is acting against her gender and acting against political correctness, was mine too, long ago. If the things we do are consensual, nobody has the right to speak against that. If you love sexual submission, it is probably easier to see, but I think that this is true in every situation where one submits to the other according to the arrangement between two partners in a relationship. 

Sexual submission feels great for me. It is what makes me very happy in different ways. It is probably more consensual than some of the sex that some vanilla couples do (if that was not a little teaser...) and all I do when I submit, is to live my sexuality according to my choice and ideas. The decision to submit was mine, I was not coerced and I don't live in any criminal form of slavery. What I have here is the loving and caring kind of slavery that has been talked about first and then entered with the best of intentions, voluntarily and with the knowledge, that there are responsibilities that come with it - for both partners. So, the decisions about it were all mine, as far as I was concerned. This sounds politically incorrect, but it is not, because it is just the way of life, I decided for --> chosen by me. 

Them over there

And, in contrast to some others, neither Master nor I, would force our way of life onto anybody. Master would not let me run through the shopping mall naked, just because he could. Well, if it were his and empty, he surely would, but it is not his and usually it is crowded. So, if Master and I did anything which was not considered acceptable and decent behaviour by the majority of people, we would impose our way of life on others. But they have not given us any form of consent that they would like to be participants in anything we do. It would not be consensual if they were involved unasked. Therefore, we'd never do such a thing. I sort of have the idea that some who do certain forms of D/s want to do that in public and might sometimes forget that they interfere with the lives and well-being of others then. Just a thought, and I don't have any right to criticise or to say that my kink is better than yours. 

But I am allowed to say that I would not like to see her doing oral to him right in front of a group of kids, or right in front of me. Neither the kids nor I have given consensus before and that would always feel completely wrong for me then. When it comes to minors, I think such actions would qualify as harassment, if done to anybody else it might be higly offensive. For me it would be like that.

It's all about the beat, babe

More than once I have written about some scenes, and beatings were part of that too. And  there are also lots of descriptions from other blogs that contain texts about subs who are beaten, so that one who does not read the wonderful descriptions of bliss that usually follow, might conclude that there is something abusive going on. It is definitely not abusive. If anything, it is the complete opposite. If they are punishments for breaking rules, they might hurt. But again, there has been a lot of talk going on before, consensus is there and has been there, before even one single slap has happened. Nothing has been enforced. We are talking about mutual agreement within a relationship here. Imagine, ladies, this is maybe an additional incentive for you, if you really want to do it right and give it a try, you have to talk a lot and then talk again. I mean, with your partner, the one who is going to whack your bottom. According to the rules that you agreed on. But imagine, you actually talk about your relationship, your feelings, your desires.... ! :) Sounds wonderful to me.

Master and I clearly differentiate between the good and the bad spankings. The bad ones are for infractions. They are meant to hurt, then everything about the issue is forgotten, hopefully, if you learned to be better next time. It's a good way to solve problems for us, but not for everybody, maybe. But :) there are also the good girl spankings :) Ladies, this is for you again. Spanking can be a most wonderful, sensual experience. I am not only talking about your juices that will be flowing if you are hit on the right spot. I am talking about a kind of sexuality that is connected to it, which is endlessly rich in the way it can feel for you and which will bring you and your partner close together. And the orgasms you can have as a result will be mind-blowing, too, if you want to. Maybe you observed that I am slightly in favour of this way of sexuality.

So, it is about the beating?!

Well, I should choose questions as titles that I could answer at least half. I am still dealing with the good girl spankings, and they can be absolutely fabulous. But the real beauty of it all is hidden to many.  For me, as the one who lays control completely in the hands of her owner, it is about submitting to him, to obey him. Therefore, I'd say it is not really about the spanking. But I'd miss that tremendously, because it is sexy, erotic and can add so much to feeling  submissive, which feels wonderful in itself. The dominant partner would get part of his reward from being completely in control. He is the one who literally can hold the life of his love in his hands. He can do with her whatever he wants to. This is where I want to remind you once again, to be safe and sane too, not only consensual. But if you can trust your partner, it feels better than anything else. The depth of emotional reward and the depth of intimacy that hubby and I have derived from this kind of being together goes beyond anything that we have ever experienced in vanilla-life. But that does not mean it is not possible there. It just means we have not found it in vanilla-relationships.  

Open your eyes

So, what you see is not what you get. You see a beating and you hear screams, you see someone burned with hot wax, you see torture, you see someone looking like a pin cushion, there might even be dark red spots from a little blood. You see her cry. Then you see her going all limp. Then you see her smile, probably after three to five minutes. So, is it time to call the police? An ambulance? Oh no, time to call for refreshments, after so much hard work. Time to cuddle and kiss. What you see is not what you get. It looks severe sometimes, but it feels like love and affection because it is just that. Those who experienced a scene want to spend time together afterwards, to find back to reality slowly. They have maybe just had the time of their lives. You can't always see it, but you can definitely feel it. It is mind-blowing, it shakes you to the core and will help you in finding your inner balance. I for one, am completely at peace afterwards. Actually I never reach that degree of inner peace in any other way. If you want to, laugh, but for me it is often enough transcendental. You may laugh at me now, but I am still at peace from last night. Om.

Sensuality

Somehow, I always stop at the mind-blowing idea, but I wanted to go beyond that. DD and D/s are  about sensuality, far more so than anything else I know. The way you can live your innermost, hidden fantasies, you  can let yourself fall into a complete scenario that you might have developed with your partner, they all add to it. The torture that she experiences creates so much arousal and desire, the trust that you have to have in your partner can help you to fall completely into this lovely place where you only feel and experience. It is beyond reason, it is pure emotion. Try to describe the kick that you can get from trusting someone completely, the dominant might get that from being in control. Imagine what it feels like to do something for the other, just for the pleasure of it, for the pleasure that the other one can have from it. When you have this partner you trust completely, think about how much you can feel, if you let him control all about you. You have no fear (unless it is part of the scene),  you can completely let go, no thought about faults, responsibilities. All you are is just the pure and raw emotional being.  You expose yourself completely to your partner in these times and as he can see you, you also see him, the real being that you are, without reservation. It is when you are completely naked emotionally. This is not about beating, but if it takes one to bring me there, I am the first in line, because it feels so good. 

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

The start of something good

This is my 

100th blog entry here :)

We had been in the earliest stages of our relationship, where I for one was caught between the last chaotic remnants of independent single life and the irrestible lure of being with my future husband. Well, no, I'd like to rephrase that. I was at the end of the period of life where all was ruined for me and he was my only light in the dark while I felt like being tossed to and fro in a stormy night. I felt so strongly for him from the start and the only reservations that were actually left, were some unreflected pseudo-feminist thinking of mine saying that women these days were meant to be strong, were meant to decide everything freely and absolutely without asking a  m a n.

Such thinking is not only anti-man it is also anti-relationship thinking, and yes, this is silly and embarrassing from today's point of view and I have regretted those years before I met hubby so much that it hurts up to this day. Anyway, here I was, inwardly determined and willing to do all for him. Outwardly there were the last remains of some alibi-political-correctness left, but they were not strong and I knew that and felt in my heart that I'd forget everything and do anything necessary if hubby-to-be proved only half as good as he appeared. 

I think I don't spoil the point of the story when I already state here that he was more than half a man, he was t h e man (and still is), a strong-willed man, a strong and honest character, self-confident, all a woman could ever wish for and far more, a living dream and true to his word, as I was soon to find out.

I had not yet moved into his house, because it was too early for that and I did not feel I knew him well enough yet, but we had been dating for about two months and this was really getting serious for me. It was sort of serious for me when I met him the first time, because I felt I was all his, head over heels in love and attracted to him like the bee to the flower.
After more than five years of unsteady life, this was in itself a rather unfamiliar experience. But from the first moment on, I virtually had no resistance left when it came to him. And it felt good that way, I had physical reactions from just touching him, or him touching me, if you have somebody who has such a pleasant voice that it sends the loveliest shivers down the spine you could think of, you also know what I am talking about. More than once was I sitting in the library and absorbed reading when I heard him unexpectedly and just hearing him left me completely flustered and aroused, as if I had just had sex. :) It really felt like that, well, it still does, when he comes over me unexpectedly (yes, he knows) ... I started daydreaming about my hero who would save the little princess. I had a little bit of a bad conscience at first because of these teenager attitudes, since I thought this made me look like easy prey for men. That was a thought I did not like at all, but since I considered myself in a serious relationship, the first real relationship for years, I would never have done any move against it. Well, with him, I would have become a saint, just to keep him. Since I have been more of a sinner at that time, you can maybe see to what length I would have gone just to do things right for once.

So, we had an invitation to one of the infamous autumn balls outside Hamburg, and we went north into the countryside, where the people are much like Yorkshire farmers. It is a marriage market, too. Of course, you'll find all farmers and daughters and everybody who could walk, on such a ball. They are fantastic fun, the people and the occasion. Sometimes some people need a bit alcohol first to grow warm, but then it is endlessly funny and if you cannot enjoy yourself there, then you'll never be able to. Talking about alcohol, this had to be well timed for us. Hubby-to-be was the driver, so he would not drink at all. Maybe I should have been the driver .... sorry, if you have ever seen me driving you know why hubby usually wants to do that for me. All gentleman, he is. :) Well, I was not driving and I could only have a little glas of wine later on. If I just look at alcohol, I am already drunk, therefore I really do plan when I want to have a little sip. If I fail to do that, I end up in unknown places, without any memory how I got there and with a hangover the size of a house and with a gap in my memory. If anybody tells you that this is fun, he or she must be lying, it isn't. It is embarrassing and a horrible experience. Add a bed and an unknown stranger to the scenery and the catastrophy is complete. 

Since I hate such things, I stick to orange juice and non-alcohol coctails (For the record, I never had problems with alcohol, but I have had negative experiences connected to drinking alcohol, just like most people on earth). So we went there and had a nice time. We danced most of the evening, had some food and enjoyed ourselves, met old friends and new ones too. Later that evening I had about half a glas of wine. I felt tipsy, but I knew that would happen and felt very well and safe, because hubby-to-be was there with me and we enjoyed each other's presence so much. It was already close to perfect at that time.

I don't know for sure what changed, but somehow I became bitchy, and maybe it was because I felt unbound and unchecked after I had this bit of wine. Maybe it was just that I wanted to tease my partner a little and started flirting with another man. Not much and maybe others would consider it just relaxed atmosphere and my way of being easy. Maybe I was simply thoughtless. What I know for sure was that I had not wanted to do any harm, especially not cause trouble for my partner. But there is one thing I see clearer now than I did back then, and I have bad memories when it comes to that. I think I wanted to challenge J. and find out what he would do. This is so unlike me, but it also is a pattern that I had already shown in two other relationships which failed completely, because I behaved like a pain in the ass. I could blame the wine, of course, but I do not. I think it was more of a test, though I have no real idea what made me ever come up with such a stupid idea in the first place. And whenever I think about this stupid moment, I absolutely have this urge to apologize. I really get a bad conscience just from thinking about it. Compared to other things that I have done, where I even was out of control, this appears harmless. But it is not for me, because it felt like the destruction of the most beautiful relationship I have ever experienced. I could cry, so bad does it make me feel to this moment. Well, it's long over and healed, therefore I won't. And my make-up is not waterproof either now, but it was in this night I write about. :) 

J.'s reaction was unexpectedly harsh, I found then. He told me, no he ordered me, to come with him, out. I could have stayed inside, but then everything would have been as bad as it had been for the last years and I knew that. I did not want to blow it now. So I followed obediently and also with a little remorse. But on the other hand, I wouldn't be me, if there had not been my personal streak of stubborn antagonism in the face of obvious failure from my side. So, since I dared not speak at first, I pouted, visibly. J. got his jacket and my huge red scarf. I was the lady in red that evening, with a fabulous ball gown in candy apple red and carmine red. I loved that outfit and felt sort of queenish (and had obviously behaved likewise). So we were standing there, J. all gentleman helped me with the scarf, but was already boiling with rage, as I did see. I just said 'Come on' airily, because I thought this was only a little irritation. He almost exploded into my face. He scolded me right there in front of the attendant, but stopped almost the same moment and he used English, so that she did hopefully not understand what was being said, only that he was seriously annoyed and I absolutely embarrassed, because he treated me like the little bad girl, I had been. He pushed me out, put me directly into the car and off we went. Unexpectedly early. I could not let the whole affair rest and started a second time, trying to tell him that his reaction was exaggerated. That he could not treat a woman that way. Yes, I seriously said that to the one who admittedly liked to spank me. :) That was when he got seriously mad. He told me that I had seriously misbehaved there, had tried to let him look stupid in there, had ruined the evening for him and that I had left the impression of being a slut, too. I tried to refute and deny all that and tried to hold against J's claims, but that was more because I thought I should and I felt stupid too. I knew that he was right. So I became louder, almost hysterical, I think. Oh my. He simply stopped the car, somewhere in no-man's-land and opened the door on my side. "Get out of the car until you can behave again!" I was absolutely shocked and did not believe that happening. He unfastened the seat belt for me and waited a moment, but his eyes were narrow, like those of a dog before the bite. He was dead serious with everything and I had the feeling that I'd better do as told.

Still, I think this was a turning point for us, definitely for me. He was not hiding anything from me and I could read him clearly. He never pretended anything and only said what he meant and would be willing to defend or answer for. And very obviously, he was not the one to fool around with if he was not in the mood for games. Wow, he absolutely had me with that. I have never ever before experienced something like that, on the verge of despair, but also with the hope of being rescued by him. He really meant business but this was not only anger, there was also concern and love? Yes, but he hid that in the car in such a situation. And I did not feel like I deserved any sign of affection at all anyway.

I went out of the car. I even do know why. It was because I never felt like he would have left me alone, if anything I felt better than before. Better not in the sense that it was warm or pleasant. I felt touched deep within and satisfied, virtually for the first time ever in that specific way.  Did I mention that it was raining too? He was angry with me and in addition to that I had made a scene. He would not tolerate that and I could have known, because he had said things like that before. Well, I had not thought he would act on that, in the dark, somewhere and after midnight.

It was cold, I was wet and cold too, my hair was ruined, my dress close to that too, but my make-up looked fine. The cold worked. I did not try to tell him to let me in again. I asked politely, because in this moment I really wanted to be good for him. So the rain was good for something, it felt like a cold shower. "I am sorry. I really am. Would you let me in again, please? I promise that I'll behave.  Let's talk again, please, I am really sorry for what I did." I could see his face lighten up a bit, but not like all was good again. Once back inside, he first of all opened the dress and had me wear an old, dry pullover of his. Very romantic :) and at least dry. He really cared, maybe the pullover was just because he was polite with women, but he could have announced that it was all over. He did not. We talked in the car and I got admonished and he explained some of the things that I had done and that the ball was in my court now. Did I want a serious commitment? Was I willing to adapt? He was not there to be fooled with. And inbetween it became clear that if I really wanted to stay with him, there would be major changes in our lives, but far more so in mine.

Can you imagine how that feels, when the man you want more than anyone tells you that there could be a future for the both of you together? After I had behaved like a bitch, I should add. I think that was the most important piece of information that I got during this night and I started crying and I think that up to this day hubby thought I only cried because I had misbehaved and was sorry. Au contraire, the real reason was that he had offered me a perspective after my silly way of behaving. (Hubby is going to find out once this text is published). So, most tears were out of hidden happiness. Well, I really felt sorry for what had happened before and apologized again and some of the tears were because I had disappointed him, and some more were just because I was so relieved.
Still the most important thing was that I agreed to major changes and we would talk more back at home. This is where the 'and they lived happily ever after' should start. Actually I could write that, since with every bit of discipline that I learned and with the new transparent structure that he gave me, it became better. But the way to happiness was really arduous and I take the blame for that gladly. After all it did not matter that there was much to do, we had seen to that, but all that happened, happened with the man of my dreams, who I love most.
You have done more for me than I can ever put into words and all I want from the heart is to show how much you matter to me, that my love for you is unconditional and endlessly. I think there are no words to express how deeply I love you Sir.

When he is stern I grow soft and want to go surfing

Finally, I am coming back to submissiveness, to the way I experience it sometimes  …. and also to a wee bit of communication. You have not expected me to skip communication completely so soon, have you? But I am seriously coming back to an observation that applies to me, as a submissive, not as a cheeky wife. 

Maybe you can imagine that I like watching hubby/Master. I am not doing it like a biologist would investigate a rare species, like ‘here we can see the exceptionally endangered species of the dominant in his natural habitat. To feel comfortable he needs a submissive female for mating…. ‘ Sorry, the submissive female got carried away a little. :)

But when I get the chance to observe hubby when he shows more of his dominance than in other moments, this has an impact on me.

 

When talking is a privilege … it can be taken away

As you maybe know, one of the most important aspects in our relationship is connected to communication. There are certain rituals that we often connect with me talking to Master. Here, I absolutely talk about the Master because the rituals that we have are a part of our D/s half of the relationship. There are moments where this does not apply, although the privilege of rather free communication to my Master is something that he could revoke any time. And it happens. If Master tells me to, I have to stop talking and keep quiet until his wishes change. 

According to the impression which I have left in my blog texts lately, you could assume that I am only this spoiled and sometimes man-bashing all hat and no cattle sub/housewife/whatever,  who is randomly rambling riotously (I love rhetorical devices).  Actually this is just an expression of my happy-go-lucky mentality which I have got a lot of inside me though it is not as unrestricted as it might sometimes appear in my writings.  

 However, the bottom line of all that happens is: whatever I have the privilege to be allowed to do, I always know it is a privilege and it can be taken away, anytime, if my Master desires that. 

Don’t worry, I am as happy as can be, because Master is the best I could wish for. But since he and I consider talking and communicating with each other a need, you can easily see what a potent way of controlling me such a restriction can be. And he uses this restriction to our mutual advantage at times and can virtually turn me emotionally upside down with it, if he wants to.

A glimpse of his dark side

:( They are showing Star Wars on tv here tonight (31st January) and hubby wanted to watch this. Ehm, that’s not his 'dark side', no, but when Master exerts his dominance in a certain way, this can be sort of creepy. Don’t get me wrong, I am never ever afraid of my partner; none of us would like that. But he can change the tone of his voice from friendly, amiable, easy-going in the one second, to strict, demanding, colder (if needed) and claiming in the other.  When he does that, it is with the corresponding attitude, that any resistance or any form of disobedience is an offence and will be punished. Hubby/Master is not strict with me like some would imagine, where every little mistake would directly lead to endless torture and punishment; that's probably only a prejudice those have, who don't know how people can live together in a good relationship. After all, he and I have a good way of life together (I really mean t o g e t h e r). But generally speaking, I have to and must obey, even if he is in his easy-going mode, because there are lines which I should better not cross or 'klick' the stricter and very serious 'dark' - and caring- side is out in the open and ready for action ... with a lot of love, though.

The change of voice usually corresponds with a change in his eyes. They are not necessarily friendly then. They can be, depending on the situation, but he could also have a look in his eyes that makes clear that he as a person expects obedience from me without reservation and more than at other times. You can really see that he is not playing games then.

It always leaves a major impression on me when he does that, and I don’t have the feeling that I could change any of my reactions (not that I wanted to). I can see that he means business and is not fooling around with me. 

Cuddling with the dark side 

So I submit and enjoy it. Usually this is simply a reaction that happens and I want it to happen too, because it feels right for me. I think I have described a little of this before, in my text on triggers. I feel good in these moments and somewhere deep inside there is a satisfaction because of these moments when Master exerts his dominance and I willingly and gladly obey, which causes incredible emotions. I mean, I am together with the love of my life and he is absolutely in charge of everything. Whenever I experience that consciously it is like feeling 'whole', at peace and in harmony with him and myself. Admittedly, usually there is no reflection of self while this is going on, it just happens and all I do is go with the flow, because it feels like the only right thing to do. If anything, it is the place you want to be in because it's as close to the perfect moment as anything can ever be. 

Still, there are more other feelings and these differ. Of course, very often, there is a strong erotic notion and I love that. Then again there are situations where I do not feel less the erotic energy while Master dominates me but more so just enjoy the moment and that I please him with what I do. I enjoy pure obedience in these moments. It is as if you can feel it physically;  as if I am filled with it and it leaves my stomach tingling in a lovely way, too. I know, I sound weird again, but that's what cuddling with the 'dark' side is like for me. If only everybody could experience that, I think that many people would start talking and being close together again, just to get this feeling back. I think it is higly addictive in a very healthy way.

The space you can enter without walking

When Master pushes into this direction, it also creates an increased awareness of the situation we are in, obviously. You just have to connect his claims and the strong drive behind that, sometimes the effect of my speech restriction because he said so and add other non-verbal submissive acts, such as kneeling and being ordered around. I can sometimes see that Master is positively affected by these actions too, and it is definitely true for me. Master can push me in that direction and the more I relax (sexual stimulation helps :) ), the easier it becomes. Sooner or later, I feel like everything happens in slow motion, every sensation that happens is intensified, respectively, there are some sensations, like pain, which I do not recognize as such. Even if I'd be allowed to talk, I'd be pretty monosyllabic once I have reached that space. Well, my ability to talk is still there, though I don't want to and cannot concentrate on answering complicated things then. 

I am aware of everything, maybe some things are sort of warped, but I think I am not in a trance. However according to how much the way I experience sensations changes, I cannot be far away either.  I am not referring to sub space yet. That's a step further down the road for me. I need a lot of time and physical sensation to get there and once there, I won't talk and can only go surfing through the stars instead. That's a moment when I feel kind of 'infinite'.