Patience required

I am well-seated, calm, relaxed. Om.

... Om

---Om .... !...!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm, doesn't seem to help much lately. I'm restless, inside out. Hubby found me almost stuck in the oven this morning. Final cleaning, but he insisted that all was spick and span, tidy, clean, desinfected, new, replaced when necessary, folded, put away, labled and sorted. 

.... He is right.  Anyway, hubby banned me from all activities which might lead to me putting my head into some machine. 

So, in a way, all I do is waiting for baby to come. I have not written a note for my blog yet, saying that my water broke. I will hopefully have something ready by tonight. But I cannot even be sure that I will recognize it when it starts. I might just try to take another warm bath and 'suddenly' I am having a water birth? 

Actually one of my bigger concerns is about water breaking. I have seen in some films that pregnant  women have somewhere in their bump a water tank right next to their baby. I mean, I know that baby really fills me out pretty much to the limit. There cannot be that much water I'd say. So, my water might break and all I do is change the pad, because it is just like any other sneeze-leak experience I have had? Wait, the best is yet to come: my doc told me that water breaking often enough does not happen naturally, instead it would be done by medical personnel.

Since this is the beginning of week 39 for us :-), I feel pretty safe and cared for, and I want labour to begin. I think that we have come such a long way, the first time ever and with no catastrophic experience, that in some way I can enjoy to just let it happen (soon, please!). Yes, I am slightly nervous about giving birth, but somehow we have been through all the details so often that I don't feel uninformed or not prepared. I can handle that and actually I am pretty confident, paired with being afraid of some embarrassing things happening during delivery. And right now I feel I can handle these too. I am also sure I can care for baby's physical well-being, I have learned what I need to know, I have been told what I need to know, in addition, I will be shown more when baby is there. 

And then? 

I want our little one to feel loved, cared for in more ways than just the physical basics, of course. I want her to feel safe and want to see her happy, like in really happy. I am curious how well we can do that and currently this is where my self-confidence leaves me. This is a big load of responsibility we will have for baby and now it is so overwhelming when I think about it. Hubby doesn't seem to have this insecurity at all and in a way that makes it even worse for me and I feel somehow inadequate. Urgh. I have to switch off the over-analyzer immediately. Sorry for the last lines. This is not supposed to be a down post and maybe all I need is more time to get used to the idea. Up to now thinking about what comes after delivery was so surreal and suddenly reality kicks me in the shin full force.

So, with a final Om 

I proudly present ourselves in week 39!

And I hope you all have a great Wednesday, 

not too many doubts about your own capabilities 

and 

I wish you an even better second half of the week!