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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Rock bottom



Sorry to have this in my blog again, instead of less troublesome entries. For us, it seems that all the bad news come in winter and over the last days, slowly spiralling downwards, I have hit rock bottom. 

One of the best friends of our family is seriously ill. She is only a few years older than my parents and would retire in about a year. She has everything it takes to have a happy day. She is lively, caring, amiable, affectionate, a whirlwind, more willing to play with kids and go with them to the playground, instead of being with the boring adults, if anything, where she is, there is life and fun. She is there to be loved.

I grew up with her and she is like a loving grandma for me. … And she can keep secrets. Good for me, because I trust her but this time it has been bad for us, because she also kept a secret from us. She knew around Christmas that there is something terribly wrong with her and never told anybody. Now, only because there was no way around any longer, she told me that she has to undergo the full anti cancer stuff, chemotherapy included. It's the intestines.

She is so strong, it seems that chances are somewhere between maybe-maybe not and she shrugs it off and won’t tell me more about that. I know that she has always made the best out of her life, and now she is so composed, not for me, but just because. That this happened to her is so not fair. Yeah, I know, life is not fair. Doesn’t make me feel better to know. :(

And I feel so helpless again, I cannot do more than hug her and be with her, but instead of helping her, I think it is the other way round. I am so devastated now, and instead of building her up, I think she does that for me. She is not alone, friends and family are there, and more than anything I wish for her to get through this. It is such an unexpected and terrible blow that shakes me to the core. 

Sorry that I ramble on here like this, even after having talked to her repeatedly over the past days, the gravity of the news trickled only very slowly from her side and if there had been a way, she would have liked to spare us a little longer (at least till Monday). I am sure you know that kind of person too. It was meant to give us a few more nice days, so, very selfless, but it also makes me angry, because everybody would have loved to be there for her earlier. Of course, I am not angry about her really, it is just the situation I cannot cope with and I am so worried now that we might lose her. Currently and over the last days I have been looking at all the moments when I should have told her more often that I love her, give her the extra kiss and hug, should have been around her more often, because I am so afraid of what might happen to her now. She is strong where I am not, and she won't have any of this. She just says 'That's life' and goes on playing with Tilda.

16 comments :

  1. Oh Nina, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Sending positive thoughts and prayers and huge (((hugs ))).

    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz, thank you so much for the positive thoughts and prayers. This means a lot to me and I am very grateful for that and will hug her from you. She likes hugs too, so she will get a lot more of them. :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  2. Oh Nina, I so get this. Right now someone I love very much is fighting for her life. Just typing that out makes me cry. I feel so useless where I am living, not that I can actually fight FOR her, but a good friend told me the other day, when I said, 'Never before have I wanted to wish a year of my life away but I do now" ( it will take a year for all her treatments) said, " you are a good friend but she wouldn't want you to wish your year away. Live it. Live life for her."

    Nina when my Dad had cancer it seemed like he was supporting us. Telling us he had no regrets in life. And to not be sad for him, because he was happy with the life he led. I know it isn't easy being on the sidelines, but you have the knowledge now, to be able to tell her everything you wished you had before. She is right there still and that is such a blessing!

    She is very lucky to have a place in your heart.

    love
    willie

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    1. Hi Willie, I am feeling awful for adding to your pain and I am so sorry for your friend and I hope so much that she will be fine again. As you can imagine, I’d gladly give a year away for my granny, but her reaction would also be to live it, instead of giving it away. She has always been so life-affirming and positive. I love her for that too.
      I fully get what you write about your father and I can only admire this way of thinking, but right now, hearing the same things from my granny, tears me apart, although it should give strength. And still, it is comforting all the same, somewhere. She knows how much we all love her, and I’ll just try to show her more of it. For me it is as though she is strong for us, and I’d just like to be the same for her, and be there for her.

      hugs

      Nina

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  3. Nina,

    So very sorry to hear about your dear friend.

    You are both in my thoughts.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Thank you Ronnie, I appreciate that and any positive thought for her is so welcome. She is much better in coping with the current situation than I am and has kept her positive way of thinking, whereas I cannot really think much at all.

      hugs

      Nina

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  4. Hi Nina, :) The biggest of hugs are sent your way. Your friend and you are in my prayers.

    You know, I think back and I lost a younger sister to cancer a number of years ago. What was helpful to her, was that she could be with some of us, and talk about and do regular things- getting the focus off what she was dealing with sometimes. I am guessing that your friend perhaps wants to be able to enjoy every minute, and not be so focused on what is ahead. Have a break from things associated with her illness. What do you think?

    From what I know of you so far, you are a sweet and caring woman, wife and mother. I am guessing that your friend knows how much you love her, and that is why she wants to be around you and your family. It's not easy, I know it. Stay strong and know that we are all thinking of you. Many giant hugs and love,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie, thank you so much for the hugs and prayers. I appreciate this endlessly and I know this will help my granny. I am so sorry for your sister and what you write about her wish to talk, do regular things, is something that my granny wants too, she does enjoy these times, whether it is playing with Tilda, having a chat with friends and family or doing something around the house. So, I can only agree, this is important for her, because it is not about the illness.
      And she absolutely knows that I do love her so much, we have a lot in common too and understand each other, often without many words. She says I am like her in younger years. :D Usually I am not always sure if it is good to be me, but when she says that, it is heart-balm, because she is wonderful.
      This weekend was not easy, it took more than a night’s sleep not to bawl all the time, but I do see that she wants everyday life and wants us near, which is awesome. I am so worried about her but by now I can appreciate her positive attitude again and just want to be there for her.

      hugs

      Nina

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  5. hi nina, i am so sorry for you all. How awful this is, i am comng at this from the same view as the lady herself. When was diagnosed with cancer my children were teenagers and i would have done anything not to have to burden them with it. I can understand the things she says. it suddenly becomes imperative to just get on with it. I never seemed to have the strength to be angry about it. I found myself accepting whatever came. my husband was angry enough for us both!! I used to make jokes with the kids, god only knows how but like your friend you seem to be able to be strong for those around you. Also maybe she didn't tell everyone straightaway because once everyone knows it is just too real. I hope that your friend has the best treatment and I was told 50/50 and twelve years on I am still here so hopefully she will be too. Lots of sympathy, hug to Tilda
    love Jan,xx

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    1. Hi Jan, getting on with every day life is what she probably wants. For me her illness is such a blow; she has known for weeks by now, and she was not like willing to tell me about this.
      Now, Monday, I do understand a lot better though, that she does want to go on as usual. At first I did not know why but by now I think I see your point and hers. Katie wrote along the same line, it is about the normal life. I do get that part, because this is what she has always enjoyed most. So, it may have taken a while, but I do get this. It feels strange, though, today she had a visit at the doctor’s, and she does not want to talk much about it, :( instead, she wants to cook, do the washing, have the baby. This is not easy and I am still swinging from numb to being able to cope and back, but I want to be there for her.
      Jan, I cannot even say just how happy I am that you have defeated this hideous illness and this knowledge creates a lot of confidence that my granny will make it. :) Thank you for this, and for the hugs. If anything, Tilda will be a great hugger later, because she gets so much practice from us here, and gets extra hugs from you (and loves them). :D

      hugs

      Nina

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    2. Hi Nina, oh bless her, I can remember coming home from hospital, tests, scans etc and just wanting to do ordinary stuff. You lose so much control having to do what these random doctors say that at home you just want to do what you normally do and forget the fear for a bit. Hope this helps and I hope your granny copes with it all
      much love Jan,xx

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    3. Hi Jan, she wants to go on as usual, as much as possible, and I am not sure how well she copes because she avoids talking about her illness. It is not like we do not talk about it at all, but for now, this seems to be more of a morning topic, with the doctors. So I do have to keep asking to get at least some answers, but that's ok for now, because I cannot push her, that would not be ok either.
      And I know that she enjoys the time with us, that helps her a lot right now, baby time, :D so, we will just do all we can to make things easy and lovely for her.

      hugs and love

      Nina

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  6. Hey Nina...in the simplest of terms, this just pure D sucks! I do understand what you are going through as I have watched three members of my family fight cancer...each in a different way. But the one thing they all demanded of us was that we treat them the same as we always did. They all have/had a wonderful sense of humor which helped them through the worst. Stay positive, supportive and enjoy each day you have with this awesome woman! Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts for her. I'm here if there is anything I can do for you.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat, oh yes! I have a long list of unpleasant words that I could use to describe this too, but you nailed it!
      I am so sorry that you had to deal with cancer in your family and I will try hard to stay positive. This weekend I couldn’t though, but that’s not what I want my granny to know. I am very grateful and appreciate all positive thoughts, healing energy and prayers and I am sure it will make a difference for her. Thank you!

      hugs

      Nina

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  7. Sending you my hugs and prayers that you and your special friend stays strong.
    hugs DF

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    1. Hi DF, thank you for your hugs and prayers. I appreciate that so much and I know this will help her too!

      hugs

      Nina

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