Resentment late night rambling

Somehow I end up blogging late at night lately. First I nurse, then I type, then I sleep. :D The lines I wrote are a little 'raw' because I am trying to process what went on today and am still in the thick of it.

And if you came here for a good laugh, scroll to the bottom! :)

Forget it

It has been very long ago that we had resentment as a serious topic here between hubby and me, but today it became one. I had several things which I simply forgot about during the week. There were some dirty blankets I had promised to wash, there was some tidying I had promised to finish and I wanted to put the last Christmas things away. I did not do any of it. Forgotten. I simply overlooked these things. So, according to my own expectations I blundered. Hubby had given me lots of time for each of the tasks, because he can see that I am struggling now and then. Life with our baby has become much easier for me (and hubby). But I still have trouble doing everything the way it should be. 

We talk about what has to be done, either the next day or during the week. I write it down and wherever I go, I have my pencil and my post its. Without them I would have forgotten my name by now, or at least preparing lunch or dinner.  Forgetting things sucks immensely and leads to problems, I can tell.

So, I had last week (and some more) to finish those silly tasks and didn’t. Friday evening hubby reminded me that I’d have to finish them Saturday, before dinner. Ok, no problem. And suddenly it was dark outside, dinner had been served and hubby (who had conveniently reminded me during the day, to finish everything) asked whether all was done. Nope, of course not. Add to this that I had a day when I wasn’t always sure whether I’d rather cry or laugh. Complete disaster, that’s what everything felt like.

Resentment

Hubby knew that I was pretty sensitive today, and to be fair I should add that he included this in the punishment that I got. This was not meant to be a fun event and it definitely wasn’t. Therefore, as I sit and write I feel the after effects well enough and will do so tomorrow as well. Sitting is overrated anyways.

I was paddled. Now, with several hours past, I do think that hubby was very lenient with it. Maybe too lenient, but I am not going to ask for more! Instead of paddling hard from the beginning, the first strokes were not as intense as later ones and it did not last very long. The lecture was short, too, but I was a mess, not before, but during and afterwards.

When I am punished, I usually go through different stages (like everybody), sometimes they last longer and sometimes they are barely noticeable. I am tense at first, thinking about what’s to come, focused on the growing pain of my bottom, this goes on, but sooner or later anything that worried me, any anger and frustration come out, I can virtually see these things lose importance for me. It is like putting these annoying things somewhere further back in your mind, or simply discarding them as unimportant information. This is one of the major reasons why spankings in general are so important for me.

 So, I accepted my punishment and it was harder than I wanted it, I thought then. I don’t fight like some might do, I want to be spanked, and I need this to give me a release I get better this way than any other. For me this absolutely includes punishments because I see the good they do each and every time. 

But sometimes, a punishment is different from what we expect. I was sorry and would try hard to avoid these silly mistakes, yes. But towards the end of the spanking I felt resentment towards hubby. I rarely had that in the past, and just as before, it disappeared, though this time it left me utterly confused. I had no real outlet from this, because hubby stopped spanking me. In a few other punishments, resentment happened during the punishment and was literally spanked away. Maybe what left me confused was that hubby had stopped before I got rid of this. I have no idea.

As a result, I was almost torn apart for a few minutes, because this had created such conflicting emotions in me; resentment and love were there for the same man at the same time. Try to solve that. I couldn't. 

In addition,  I was too sensitive at my bum and even light spanks felt like a massive attack on my bottom. So, I did not ask for what might have helped, some more.  

Hubby had seen the way I looked at him and afterwards he told me that this was the only reason why he gave me corner time. It wasn’t even long, maybe 10 (?) minutes, alone time, facing the wall, alone in the bedroom. It did not take that long to get rid of this fit of negativity. Being naked, in the corner, hands up, was what finally brought back my peace of mind. 

And when hubby took me out of the corner, it was directly onto the bed. Talking. He had been with me all the time, not in the same room, but he had seen what was going on and I received aftercare, as if we had had an intense sm scene. In a way it felt like one, I was dead tired afterwards, we snuggled and cuddled and I almost fell asleep, relaxed to the core, feeling much better, liberated. … Until Tilda called for her milk. :) She's the real boss in our house as everybody knows. :)

After this first attempt of sleeping, I am invigorated, the confusion I felt has lessened considerably, though I still do not understand all that has happened (writing it down helps!). I feel stronger inside and more up to any task than before. But I did not like experiencing such a moment of negativity directed at hubby. That was awful and hit me hard. :(

My original plan was to blog about sex again, but this will have to wait till Monday, I guess. By then I might have understood better what has happened.

I couldn't resist this one

Anyways, sorry for my prolonged rambling,

and

I hope you all have the best of Sundays, with everything good you could wish for. 

… And hugs, lots of hugs and cuddles. They always help !