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Saturday, January 17, 2015

Resentment late night rambling


Somehow I end up blogging late at night lately. First I nurse, then I type, then I sleep. :D The lines I wrote are a little 'raw' because I am trying to process what went on today and am still in the thick of it.

And if you came here for a good laugh, scroll to the bottom! :)





Forget it
It has been very long ago that we had resentment as a serious topic here between hubby and me, but today it became one. I had several things which I simply forgot about during the week. There were some dirty blankets I had promised to wash, there was some tidying I had promised to finish and I wanted to put the last Christmas things away. I did not do any of it. Forgotten. I simply overlooked these things. So, according to my own expectations I blundered. Hubby had given me lots of time for each of the tasks, because he can see that I am struggling now and then. Life with our baby has become much easier for me (and hubby). But I still have trouble doing everything the way it should be. 
We talk about what has to be done, either the next day or during the week. I write it down and wherever I go, I have my pencil and my post its. Without them I would have forgotten my name by now, or at least preparing lunch or dinner.  Forgetting things sucks immensely and leads to problems, I can tell.

So, I had last week (and some more) to finish those silly tasks and didn’t. Friday evening hubby reminded me that I’d have to finish them Saturday, before dinner. Ok, no problem. And suddenly it was dark outside, dinner had been served and hubby (who had conveniently reminded me during the day, to finish everything) asked whether all was done. Nope, of course not. Add to this that I had a day when I wasn’t always sure whether I’d rather cry or laugh. Complete disaster, that’s what everything felt like.


Resentment
Hubby knew that I was pretty sensitive today, and to be fair I should add that he included this in the punishment that I got. This was not meant to be a fun event and it definitely wasn’t. Therefore, as I sit and write I feel the after effects well enough and will do so tomorrow as well. Sitting is overrated anyways.

I was paddled. Now, with several hours past, I do think that hubby was very lenient with it. Maybe too lenient, but I am not going to ask for more! Instead of paddling hard from the beginning, the first strokes were not as intense as later ones and it did not last very long. The lecture was short, too, but I was a mess, not before, but during and afterwards.

When I am punished, I usually go through different stages (like everybody), sometimes they last longer and sometimes they are barely noticeable. I am tense at first, thinking about what’s to come, focused on the growing pain of my bottom, this goes on, but sooner or later anything that worried me, any anger and frustration come out, I can virtually see these things lose importance for me. It is like putting these annoying things somewhere further back in your mind, or simply discarding them as unimportant information. This is one of the major reasons why spankings in general are so important for me.

 So, I accepted my punishment and it was harder than I wanted it, I thought then. I don’t fight like some might do, I want to be spanked, and I need this to give me a release I get better this way than any other. For me this absolutely includes punishments because I see the good they do each and every time. 
But sometimes, a punishment is different from what we expect. I was sorry and would try hard to avoid these silly mistakes, yes. But towards the end of the spanking I felt resentment towards hubby. I rarely had that in the past, and just as before, it disappeared, though this time it left me utterly confused. I had no real outlet from this, because hubby stopped spanking me. In a few other punishments, resentment happened during the punishment and was literally spanked away. Maybe what left me confused was that hubby had stopped before I got rid of this. I have no idea.

As a result, I was almost torn apart for a few minutes, because this had created such conflicting emotions in me; resentment and love were there for the same man at the same time. Try to solve that. I couldn't. 

In addition,  I was too sensitive at my bum and even light spanks felt like a massive attack on my bottom. So, I did not ask for what might have helped, some more.  

Hubby had seen the way I looked at him and afterwards he told me that this was the only reason why he gave me corner time. It wasn’t even long, maybe 10 (?) minutes, alone time, facing the wall, alone in the bedroom. It did not take that long to get rid of this fit of negativity. Being naked, in the corner, hands up, was what finally brought back my peace of mind. 

And when hubby took me out of the corner, it was directly onto the bed. Talking. He had been with me all the time, not in the same room, but he had seen what was going on and I received aftercare, as if we had had an intense sm scene. In a way it felt like one, I was dead tired afterwards, we snuggled and cuddled and I almost fell asleep, relaxed to the core, feeling much better, liberated. … Until Tilda called for her milk. :) She's the real boss in our house as everybody knows. :)

After this first attempt of sleeping, I am invigorated, the confusion I felt has lessened considerably, though I still do not understand all that has happened (writing it down helps!). I feel stronger inside and more up to any task than before. But I did not like experiencing such a moment of negativity directed at hubby. That was awful and hit me hard. :(


My original plan was to blog about sex again, but this will have to wait till Monday, I guess. By then I might have understood better what has happened.



I couldn't resist this one


Anyways, sorry for my prolonged rambling,
and
I hope you all have the best of Sundays, with everything good you could wish for. 

… And hugs, lots of hugs and cuddles. They always help !


16 comments :

  1. Replies
    1. Hi Sunny, thank you for popping in. :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  2. Okay Nina...cut yourself some slack...yes, things with Tilda are falling into a routine but it hasn't been that long since you gave birth. You might also want to ask your doctor to check your hormones...it takes a while for them to get back to 'normal.' Oh and when you haven't had a spanking for a while...you can't take as much as you used to...don't worry...your tolerance will build back up. ;) Thanks for the cute pic. Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    Replies
    1. Hi Cat, we have taken it very slow today, as far as possible, :) and I am feeling better than yesterday (doesn’t mean much though, because I also feel like having a hangover without the party that should be part of it).<-- I had thought about the hormones too, because some of how I felt was just like pms-ing, but that’s not really possible, because I am nursing and as long as I do that I should be safe from it, I hope (very much!). Hmm, maybe it is just as you say, more time, more adjustment needed, slowly building up more tolerance. I thought we were slow, but now I don’t know. This Tuesday I have an appointment with my doc as it is, so I am definitely going to ask her to check my hormones. Cat, thank you so much for your prayers and positive energy, I love that you do this, I appreciate it and I know this helps. And I am very happy that you liked the picture too. The picture made me giggle in the middle of the night, and I love that you enjoy it too. :)

      many hugs

      Nina

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  3. Hi Nina, I'm so sorry you were feeling this way, but glad hubby read you so well an helped you to overcome the negative feelings.

    I'm glad things are getting easier with Tilda and that you have established a routine. As Cat said, you and your body are still adjusting though. Also, it is hard, both the physical spanking and emotionally when you haven't been spanked for a while.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Hi Roz, you are right, hubby helped a lot last night. The punishment I got was hard for me, though it was not really. A good year ago it would not have qualified as much more than a warm-up. But this time it triggered very negative emotions and I don’t understand half of it yet. Hubby did not leave me alone with this, he made me feel cherished and loved, though I had a tough time then. I do not really know what to make out of this yet, but the longer I think about it I believe that hubby should have spanked more. Sounds idiotic and I am not out for this kind of spanking. Well, and I could not have taken it last night, but nevertheless, it might have been a way out.
      Oh yes, we have a routine now, it works fine with Tilda and we all get enough sleep most of the time, and I love this. I could ramble four hours about the benefits and joys of simple sleep. :)
      And you are right, my body is still adjusting. After the Christmas food overindulgence I can see the scale go down again, finally. Cat had already suggest that the hormones are part of my troubles and I am prone to agree with her. And I am definitely not in a spanking routine at all yet, so this does take a lot of time. LoL, on the other hand, it doesn’t take any effort from hubby’s hand to leave an impression. :) We’ll better take it slow, because the emotional part is a much bigger challenge than I was aware of.

      hugs

      Nina

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  4. Big hugs to you Nina!! :) You know that resentment kind of moment will pop up here and there. I know all about it (coffee comes to mind recently) and it is usually something that leads to some growth. That isn't a bad thing...

    The advice that you got above is all good. I agree. You know you just had a baby. That is enough to put everything out of whack (pun not intended but seems to work here) for some time to come. Lack of sleep, new routines, new little person who demands your constant attention while being cute as a button. Well- that is a lot of change, as is the first year of going from couple to family. So be gentle with yourself. I am guessing that your hubby knows just what he is doing, as well as how to make sure that you know that he has you through it all. And in those kind of harder times, try to think about what it is you are trying to accomplish. Okay I know sometimes that is the last thing you are considering in a spanking moment, but shortly thereafter is helpful.

    I agree with the others about your tolerance. You will build it up. And things will get easier as your body fully adjusts post baby too. It takes many months. You will be busy, but you will find your groove as Tilda does too in the coming months. Feel good and hang in there. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    Replies
    1. Hi Katie, oh yes, the coffee affair, and I think I praised Rob there because he saw what you needed. And even though my bottom would not completely agree, I do know that hubby was completely right and the spanking was well-deserved. I love that you say that growth will come from this, and it is good for sure.
      Hmmm, there are many changes, that’s true, and I trust hubby so that I’d always go across his lap when he thinks I need this. But you are right, we have to go slowly, too. And you are also right about the good that we get from spankings. This is easy for me to see, because spanking has always been positive for me (not the punishment, but the effects it has). The reconnection we get from it is awesome, and it creates peace and harmony for me and for us.
      We are on a good way with Tilda and I think we’ll be better and better. The physical adjustment will still take time and I’ll just see that we’ll go slowly. I am not afraid that hubby might be too strict or be hard on me, and it is true, my bottom will need a lot of time to adjust again. What I am a little afraid of is that I experience resentment again. It will happen, it has happened before, but long ago last. So, I hope my tolerance grows quickly, because then hubby could actually spank longer. Sounds weird, but it works for me.

      hugs

      Nina

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  5. Well as you have probably read constantly in the past on my blog, this happens. I would imagine, that it would have been the same for you as it has been for me. Pain can sometimes be 'conquered' by sudden bursts of anger or adrenaline masked as anger during a spanking. If your hubby stopped while your body was trying to cope while doing this, I think that would explain it. The corner time probably helped bring back down those levels. There are many times when I need Barney to leave me alone right after.

    I have now found my words to talk to him about this in calm times so he understands ( and now I do too) that it really isn't about him, and it is really just a chemical reaction if you will.

    Now obviously I haven't had the post pregnancy spanking aspect of all of this, which would probably complicate matters further, but there have been times where injury has made it difficult for Barney to spank through the anger part. Perhaps your hubby is just as leery about doing so, because you need to adapt. I know punishments are not too be pleasant but maybe more of a gradual build up in the spanking for the next little while, even during a punishment will help both of you?

    It is going to be okay Nina. You are not alone in this. You just both really need to talk about it so together you can figure out a solution. It won't be a one time fix, but it will help. I know those feelings and as 'irrational' as we know they are, they are very troublesome. I don't wish that on anyone.

    Much love
    willie

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    Replies
    1. Hi willie, you are right, this happens, and perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised. But it hit me unexpectedly, maybe because I am not used to this yet. I absolutely agree with you, hubby might have stopped too early. In the past, he would have spanked longer and that usually would have solved any kind of negativity. I think I remember that you had the same problem and also went for longer spankings. So, actually I wish hubby had spanked on, but I do not even know if I could have coped with this either. And corner time was good for me, this helped a lot and I could calm down again. The resentment was gone soon, but the confusion not completely. We’ll have more talking to do and the chemical reaction is a good explanation, because there is nothing negative between hubby and me. He is the best that ever happened, and Tilda, of course! :)
      Hubby is paying close attention to my reactions and I am convinced that he stopped just because of that. I’ll ask about more build up for the next time. And I am not afraid of a punishment, so I am very willing to try to get through the long version of it. Hubby wants the best for me and will probably give it a try since he has had a build up last time too. And even if it takes time, I am sure we’ll find a good way through this, after all we do have physical discipline back, which both of us consider incredibly positive. Uhm, the bit about the feelings is true, there is a lot of trouble connected to that, but, ah well, they are there. I am just glad that we have the other side too, that’s what creates endless joy.
      The way you went through my entry has something of a guided tour, step by step, for me. Thank you for guiding me through this because I haven’t got everything straightened out with myself yet. Everything is ok between hubby and me, though. And most of hubby’s answers are pretty similar to what you wrote here but I am very glad to have your perspective on this too.

      hugs and love

      Nina

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  6. Hi Nina, oh bless you. I think some of this is a hormonal, just had a baby thing! we have all had the odd spanking that we haven't wanted, it's part of this life. Please don't worry about it too much. At least you husband seemed to have spotted how you felt and by the end of aftercare all was well. As to the spanking hurting more I think that might be because you have had pregnancy spank free time! you will get used to it again, though I don't know if that's good because it will mean you are being naughty! Lots of sympathy and a hug for Tilda. My own baby is 26 today, keep thinking how did that happen last time I looked he was a little boy, lol
    love Jan,xx

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jan, yes, I agree with you, this reaction is not like I’d usually cope with a punishment and it seems that I was less prepared than I had thought. It doesn’t stop us from trying again though. :D I have waited almost one year to get back to this and if there are a few bumps in the road, well, not nice, but so be it. We’ll have to be slow with the spankings, I’ll need more practice, less intense? Hmm, I’ll have to discuss this with hubby. He was great, and I have told him that. …Well, I don’t want to be naughty that way, for a spanking, but the temptation … . :) During the day things have become better again and all in all I am pretty relaxed now. Still tired and confused but well. I’ll give TiIda an extra hug from you and I hope your son is having a very lovely and happy birthday. I can see how time flies and how quickly the little ones grow, and to see your boy from baby to man must be incredible. ... Hubby has already started talking about a brother for Tilda. I'll ask you about the 'how-to raise boys' details then. :D

      hugs (from Tilda too)

      Nina

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  7. Hey Ni Na,
    There have been times when I've been resentful for more than a day and it took me that long to figure out what was going on. Often enough I've had to grab a friend, tell them what happened and have them poke and prod till we figure out together what might be going on. My confusion is usually related to control and anxiety...but that's just me. LOL...the hard part is that by the time I've got a handle on it, my husband is completely over it and it takes a lot for me to go to him to process it through. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. :) Anyway, don't be too discouraged. Each time it happens is another chance to get to what's going on and try some different solutions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susie, today with some more sleep I do see clearer what might be going on. We have talked this through repeatedly, it turned up again throughout the day, but in a good way. We think that there came many things together. I am feeling much like under the weather today and am pretty moody (more inwards than outwards), just like throughout the weekend. We guess that most of this might be hormonal. That and a punishment might have been too much. We’ll see how to solve this next time, but with some good luck, the next punishment will be far away, since I am always good. … Until I fail. :D

      hugs

      Nina

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  8. Hi Nina,
    I'm glad you're starting to feel better, and I wish i had some great words of advice for you. You have some terrific comments from some really great ladies. I just know I've felt those feelings before, the resentment and the anger. It just takes some time to process it, and sometimes I'm still not sure, so I'm going to say it's probably hormonal. You're hormones are way crazy right now, so I think you're doing a great job. It was just one off day. I hope you are feeling better now and I hope you had a great weekend!

    Hugs

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jennelle, you are so right, the comments have been awesome and helpful. Time to process everything is an issue, not because the resentment is still there, but this hit me right between the eyes and it was not clear for me why this had happened. And you are probably right, I also do think that this is hormonal, it would fit well because I feel still caught in this silly moodiness. We had a good weekend, with snuggling, talking and simply some time. Such times help a lot.

      hugs

      Nina

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