Rock bottom

Sorry to have this in my blog again, instead of less troublesome entries. For us, it seems that all the bad news come in winter and over the last days, slowly spiralling downwards, I have hit rock bottom. 

One of the best friends of our family is seriously ill. She is only a few years older than my parents and would retire in about a year. She has everything it takes to have a happy day. She is lively, caring, amiable, affectionate, a whirlwind, more willing to play with kids and go with them to the playground, instead of being with the boring adults, if anything, where she is, there is life and fun. She is there to be loved.

I grew up with her and she is like a loving grandma for me. … And she can keep secrets. Good for me, because I trust her but this time it has been bad for us, because she also kept a secret from us. She knew around Christmas that there is something terribly wrong with her and never told anybody. Now, only because there was no way around any longer, she told me that she has to undergo the full anti cancer stuff, chemotherapy included. It's the intestines.

She is so strong, it seems that chances are somewhere between maybe-maybe not and she shrugs it off and won’t tell me more about that. I know that she has always made the best out of her life, and now she is so composed, not for me, but just because. That this happened to her is so not fair. Yeah, I know, life is not fair. Doesn’t make me feel better to know. :(

And I feel so helpless again, I cannot do more than hug her and be with her, but instead of helping her, I think it is the other way round. I am so devastated now, and instead of building her up, I think she does that for me. She is not alone, friends and family are there, and more than anything I wish for her to get through this. It is such an unexpected and terrible blow that shakes me to the core. 

Sorry that I ramble on here like this, even after having talked to her repeatedly over the past days, the gravity of the news trickled only very slowly from her side and if there had been a way, she would have liked to spare us a little longer (at least till Monday). I am sure you know that kind of person too. It was meant to give us a few more nice days, so, very selfless, but it also makes me angry, because everybody would have loved to be there for her earlier. Of course, I am not angry about her really, it is just the situation I cannot cope with and I am so worried now that we might lose her. Currently and over the last days I have been looking at all the moments when I should have told her more often that I love her, give her the extra kiss and hug, should have been around her more often, because I am so afraid of what might happen to her now. She is strong where I am not, and she won't have any of this. She just says 'That's life' and goes on playing with Tilda.