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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Only 30 minutes

“You can do it. Feed her, then we’ll take care.” I have heard this more than once lately and the trouble behind it is sort of a very nice one. Family and friends offer help, because they want us/me to go out, spend some time without Tilda, and it does not even have to be long (well, couldn’t, be long I should say). So, the trouble is, I enjoy short times without Tilda, but only when I know that she's within reach and I could see her whenever I feel like it. 

What everybody keeps saying is that I -or hubby and I- should actually be doing things without Tilda nearby. I don’t want that, though. I simply don’t want to be without her, at least not yet. To complicate everything a little more, I know that I should look for times without baby, and having 'us' time when I know she is only a few metres away, is ok, but not more. I feel uneasy when I cannot go and check on her. We have tried that during the week and although I enjoyed the short walk, my thoughts were always back home. My mom was home, so I knew that nothing would happen. But that is only what you know because reasoning tells you so. It did not help at all, because my worries were still there all the time.

I’ll be the perfect helicopter mom later on. Well, I’ll apologize another time for that, but now, all I want is go and check on Tildy whenever I think I should. I see that this might be a problem but right now I cannot work against this urge, on the contrary, I love it far too much that she is nearby. I tell her all day long what I do. ‘Mommy is peeling potatoes. Is mommy peeling potatoes? Oh yes, look, big potatoes, small potatoes, funny looking potatoes, ….”  Guess what we had for lunch. 
I have managed a lot of laundry this week, Tilda knows all the details, because I have told her about every, I mean e  v  e  r  y  single piece. …. And love it. She’s gurgling, cooing, and tells me about her adventures too, and I simply love that. It means she is ok. Of course, nobody wants to take that away, it is only about a short break from baby care, and I enjoy such breaks, but not when baby is too far away. 

Hubby says he understands, and he has to, because he knows where my worries come from and he cares for Tilda just as much as I do, I know. Nevertheless, he is more relaxed than I am, and in a way he also repeats what mom, sisters, friends say. Therefore, he has already mentioned that we will have a short ‘us’ time outside, away from home, only a walk, only as a starter. My best friend will care of Tilda, so there is definitely nothing to worry about, but I am not really happy about it either right now. I want ‘us’ time too, it is precious for us, and a walk outside is great, but I’d love to take Tilda with us when we go.



20 comments :

  1. Hey sweet Nina...You are a wonderful mother and enjoy spending time with your daughter...nothing wrong with that. However, you do need to let her get accustomed to others so that as she gets older, she doesn't cling to mama. I know a woman that didn't let anyone take care of her daughter until the child was 8 months old...at that time, the little girl threw a tantrum and continues through age 3 to throw tantrums if her mama goes out the door without her. You also need to make sure that your relationship with your husband remains a priority. With all the technology available today, you might be able to go out and view Tilda over skype...just a suggestion. I am sure you and your husband will figure this out.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat, thank you for your kind words. I have heard both sides, and think both are true. I don’t want Tilda to cling to me instead of playing with her friends later, and I hope that I will not let her get away with throwing a tantrum either, because I have seen that in other families and did not like it. But at the moment I am at a loss how to handle this. I had not thought about such things like high tech, and will tell hubby about it. And you are absolutely right that hubby is one of my priorities. Somehow this is what makes everything so difficult at the moment. I believe him, my best friend and my mom when they say I should have at least a little time. But I don’t feel comfortable with the idea yet. I think I’ll have to sleep on the matter and see if that makes a difference. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate this a lot, because I feel as if I am caught in the middle.

      hugs

      Nina

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  2. Hi Nina, Do not let other people tell you to leave her if you do not want to. She's tiny, you are a new mum, tell them all to whistle. I never left mine either, they are both fine men now. So what if we all spent time together I did not have kids to parcel them about and I imagine neither did you. When you want a break or night out then it is time for you to have one but not just because everyone else thinks it is time. You won't enjoy it if it's not where you want to be anyway. Children grow so fast, just enjoy it your way. I don't know how old she is but there is plenty of time ahead, try not to worry. Thinking of you,
    love Jan,xx

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    1. Hi Jan, thank you so much for your lovely words. If it were just anybody who told me, I’d not care, but those who suggest that I should go and have some time without Tilda are those who matter. Well, and then there is me, not willing to leave her alone at all. It doesn’t feel right, I don’t feel good just from thinking about it and simply don’t like being without Tilda nearby. I love how you said it ‘I did not have kids to parcel them about’, and I definitely am not really prepared for leaving her alone yet. This Sunday she’ll be two months old! :) It is only two months, but time flies differently than it did before Tilda. Currently, if I left Tilda at home for a short time out, I’d just do so because I want to oblige and if it were not about Tildy I could do so easily. Hmm, somehow I am still completely uncertain of what to do. :( Jan thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to me in this moment!

      hugs

      Nina

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    2. Oh Nina, two months is nothing at all. Of course you don't want to leave her. Do nnot be pressured into it. Before you know it it will be time for nursery and school, just make the most of now. Emaill me if you want to talk . rosychuckles@gmail.com. My boys are 31 and 25. I enjoyed every minute of their childhoods and hope you have as much fun with Tilda
      love Jan.xx

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  3. I don't remember leaving mine for the first sex months or so, especially no. 2 because she refused to take the bottle, so expressing didn't help. Once they were on solids, I didn't feel obligated to be with them 24/7. My bottle feeding friends were much happier about going out without baby than me. I think it is the breastfeeding which makes it harder and you shouldn't feel guilty to take a walk with husband if Tilda is happy and fed and at a young age they are easy to please. Come a year old, mine were clingy and hung on to my legs if I left the room!
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Hi DF, your description of your clingy one year old made me giggle, because hanging on my mom and dad’s legs was great for me when I was little (I do not remember that at all) and they told me I did that with a lot of pleasure.
      I enjoy breastfeeding Tilda so much and apart from the interruptions at night, I cannot imagine anything better for Tilda. Maybe this is just about giving me more time, and it is not that I want to be around Tilda forever, only at the moment, I don’t see myself away from her. Then again, you are surely right, because there is nothing that could happen when she is with my mom or Amy. And I should probably not worry at all, but I do. Maybe I should try harder to see a short time out as a chance for new energy, because everybody around is out to be helpful and it is only a short time without Tilda. I don’t know what to think yet, I’ll sleep this over. Thank you for your support, I appreciate this a lot.

      hugs

      Nina

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  4. You need to do what makes you comfortable. There are so many folks who think their way is the right way. I even shut my mouth when my Libby had difficulty breast feeding and put her baby on a bottle. I nursed my kids till they were well umm in kindergarten. Folks thought that was disgusting but felt fine to me. They weaned themselves when they were ready. I lived nursing. My daughter did not so I was glad she did what made her comfortable. She's the best mother and texted me she's so excited because Ani said her first word. OUCH. which is what Lib said when Ani yanked her hair this morning. She imitated her mama. Libby was thrilled. Kids survive their parents just fine, laughing.

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    1. Hi Jackie, thank you for stopping by! I also love nursing and hope that I can do it for a longer time, not only the first few months. You are absolutely right that there are always folks who think their way is right, and usually I wouldn’t care. But this time it is tricky, because these suggestions are from those who care and love us. So, they really are important and matter a lot. Nevertheless, I can only agree that I should be comfortable with the situation. Well, I am not really and feel caught in the middle.
      I think it is great that you support your daughter so lovely and that you see how different moms can do things differently. There is a lot of wisdom in that and I can only hope that I’ll be able to be that way too when I better should. LoL, OUCH is a great word to start with. Sorry that Libby lost some hair because of it, but I can imagine how happy she must have been to hear her little one say that OUCH.

      hugs

      Nina

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  5. Hi Nina,

    I am not a mom, but my girls were and still are the light of my life. They are 24 and 29 now, but I still enjoy hanging out with them. I remember describing everything to them just like you are doing even though they were babies. I assure you don't worry, the time will come when you are ready for a break and want to be alone with your hubby....just as you are comfortable and confident Tildy is in good hands. Until them, enjoy her every moment.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    George

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    1. oops ...just as long as you are....

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    2. Hi George, thank you for your nice words, hey, I am sure that your girls are lovely and it must be great fun to spend time with them. As their dad you will surely always have this special place in their hearts, and I am sure they know how much you love them. I don't remember if my dad explained much when I was a few months old, but I guess so, because we have always been close. ... And telling babies what's going on around them is fun.
      I can only agree with you, the time will come when I am ready, though I don't see it happen yet. Sleeping it over has not made a difference yet, and since I just blocked any talk into this direction today, the problem is simply postponed for the moment. My current idea is to simply wait, if possible.

      hugs

      Nina

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  6. Oh, Nina, I bet it's so hard to let that precious girl out of your sight for more than two minutes! She's brand new :) Hubby is right, though, you guys do need some alone time together. Take advantage of all your helpers now, while you can!

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    1. Hi Autumn, I know you might just be right, especially because there are good helpers available. I know I could let Tilda be with Amy or my mom for such a short time and all would be happy, well, apart from me, that is. I think not Tilda is clingy, but I am. She's too close, like being a part of me and I cannot stand the thought of her being out of reach yet. :( Then again, I also see that hubby and I could have this time and spend time without being on baby-alarm. Urgh, this is tricky for me. I have no real idea how to solve this. I thought I'd just try to wait, but don't know if that's an idea or just inactivity or whatever. I'll try to get some more rest, maybe then I find a way out of this.

      hugs

      Nina

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  7. Hi Nina, please don’t let anyone tell you that you need to be away from your baby. Unless you personally need a break there’s no need for it from Tilda’s point of view. Babies don’t need to learn to be independent from their mothers, they need to make a secure bond and trust that you will always respond to their needs. Then they will go on to feel secure when separation is necessary later on.
    It is a popular belief that babies and children need to ‘learn’ to be independent at an early age otherwise they will be ‘too clingy’ but that has no basis in psychology or biology (Google attachment theory). Whiny, clingy children are the ones whose needs haven’t been responded to consistently or who have been forced into independence too young (e.g. left to cry in their cots at night before they were ready to sleep through). Think about kittens – if they are separated from their mother at too young an age they develop into anxious older cats.
    The reason you feel uncomfortable being away from your baby is because that’s how you’re biologically wired to feel. Your two month old baby doesn’t even realise that she is a separate person from you! If it feels right to keep your baby close just now, do just that. I’m sure your family and friends think they have your best interests at heart but their advice is coming from a place of ignorance. You know best and your instincts are spot on.
    I’m not saying that you need to be with your baby 24/7 but if that’s what you want to do just now please don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it.
    There is a great parenting site called ‘Evolutionary Parenting’ which I have found very useful. The articles are evidence based and have helped me to have the confidence to speak out when I’m being pressured to make certain parenting choices.
    You’re doing a great job!
    Jan

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    1. Hi Jan, from the different style of writing I simply assume that you are not identical with Jan Rose, from the 'English Rose-Household'. If I got that wrong I am sorry (any text written by you, English Rose, had a different tone than this comment), if I got it right, welcome to the blog and thank you for stopping by! I love what you say about creating a secure bond and trust, and I don't think that those around us have thought that Tilda will be clingy and insecure because I have problems of leaving her in good hands for a short while. One of the reasons that they want hubby and me to have some quality time is because we have trouble finding enough of it this month. It doesn't change anything about my (un-)willingness to be without my baby, no matter why I should, I don't want her elsewhere. I want her with me. I believe that when the time is there to spend time without Tilda nearby, I'll know and be able to express that. So, up to then, I should trust my instincts?! I like that because it covers what I feel, but I am not sure if anybody believed me if I told them that I can't leave Tilda alone because my instincts tell me so. Nevertheless, it is nice to know that there is another reason why I want my baby with me all the time. I'll google the parenting site, thank you!

      hugs

      Nina

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    2. It's not me but do agree with Jan! Trust yourself . Two months is awful young to be left.
      Jan xx

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    3. Hi Jan, I am still not at peace with myself on this. At the moment I am simply postponing this somehow, though I have already told everybody that I don't like being without Tilda at all. I mean, I go crazy when I cannot hear her at night and simply want her around. My bff understands that best, and she did not actually push me in this direction, she only mentioned that I should have a little time without Tilda, too. She reassured me that this is something I have to be comfortable with in the first place, otherwise it will only lead to new troubles; she listened and that was good. Nevertheless it is still complicated for me. Thank you once again!

      hugs

      Nina

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  8. Nina,

    Two months old I can image you don't want to let her out of your sight. You have to do what's right for you though I think it would be good for you to take a little time for yourself or with hubby when you know Tilda is fed, happy and contended.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Hi Ronnie, this is what makes everything so awfully complicated for me. I think that my mom and friends are right when they say a little time for ourselves, or a short time for myself is good for us and me. Well, but I don't want to be without Tilda, because it feels wrong for me. I know that I can trust them all and they would care so much for her, but at the moment I don't like this idea of being without her at all. I don't know, I cannot even see this is going to change within the next weeks, so I'll just keep telling our helpers to let me have it my way. They all want our best, I know that, nevertheless I think I won't let her out of my sight at the moment ... and if you ask me again in five minutes I will think this all over again. It's a bit frustrating because I think that I might not give family and friends clear signals that I mean what I say.

      hugs

      Nina

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