Batman, Joker and pirate queen edition

(The title is less arbitrary than it sounds!) We were good with choosing food that I can eat, so that Mathilda is comfortable. Now, over the last days I have been busy, which is no real surprise with a newborn. We are happy that Mathilda is there, we are grateful for the help and support we receive from family and friends (see below), and I think we could do far worse, and apart from some bumps in the road we are doing fine.

This is the part where I am not on Batman's side for a reason

Nevertheless, the last three days and nights have not been too brilliant, because I have been awfully moody, not that I let it leak out too much, but hubby knows, my mom and my best friend too. This is not like me. Uhm wait, maybe with pms it is, but that’s far away. :-) 

Usually I am not negative at all, but during the last few days I had some of these moments when I was angry with myself because I don’t do more than caring for Mathilda, which means I have a really bad conscience in some moments when I see others doing things for me, while I sit or am even sent to bed. This is like a conflict in me, because I know perfectly well that we have arranged all help since the first weeks after birth are strenuous. Yeah, then there is the other side saying that I should be able to do more, like other moms who gave birth and never had a break.

Sitting around or even sleeping, while hubby, mom, friends, sisters, do the work around the house, sucks a lot. I know it is meant as a nice gesture, and I appreciate it so much, but I also get a bad conscience from it, and that’s awful. It doesn’t always last long (fuzz brain is there to help nursing moms forget such things, isn’t it?), and one of the best things for me to get over this has been talking about it; that, and holding my little one. 

This is what I am absolutely happy about: none of this negativity is connected to Mathilda in any way. I don’t know if I were able to cope with that, and I also know that other women have such problems and end up with a post partum depression.

I have had some really silly mood swings during the last days, from crying for no reason to laughing just ‘because’. I am not really into Batman and all the other super hero insomniacs, but this reminded me a lot of the Joker (Heath Ledger), and I think my make-up looked almost the same too at that time! But all in all, it is getting better again, otherwise I would not have had enough distance to see what I am actually doing and everything would sound far more like an emergency. Hmmm, maybe it just helps that Mathilda and I have found a rhythm which I am adapting to.

Hubby doesn’t really want me to spend time doing more than nursing, sleeping, changing nappies and having tummy time with Mathilda. But I am not overdoing things by writing this text either. I am tired as a log, sure, but not completely depleted yet (not moody!) and need the distraction. I know, not sticking to the ‘baby sleeps, you sleep’ has its disadvantages. However, I couldn’t resist watching a bit tv last night (Germany’s got talent; but there are also some participants who obviously are talent-free), and even went online for a short while, just to have some distraction. LoL, Willie caught me immediately and I was sent back to bed even from there! (hugs for that, Willie!). 

Feel-good ideas for the pirate queen

The reason for my sleeplessness is so lovely that she can make me smile just from thinking about her. Now, if that isn’t positive, I don’t know. 

Some of the things that helped me during the last days were maybe silly, but they worked. I know that I have dark under-eye circles at the moment and even though we only do short walks outside, I do use my make-up, as a treat for myself. Concealer is my new best friend! Another treat are comfy, wide clothes that make me feel good and don’t let me look like a complete mess. Ok, my vanity has been pampered enough with that, and maybe healthier than the last two feel-good ideas is getting out into the sun/rain/wind. For me, wrapping Mathilda up and being out with her for a short walk is real fun and the fresh air literally is enough to blow away any bad mood. 

Nonetheless, what has been most helpful was talking. There are ups and downs, which I know is normal. Some of these are trivial for experienced moms, some are just the overwhelming kind, some are simply silly but if I had to keep it all in, I’d explode sooner or later. Now, that would create a real mess, wouldn’t it? So, Mathilda and I roam the house, and when we want to talk, we simply enter the kitchen, as there is almost always one who can just listen in such a moment.  … And if not, Mathilda and I simply do the dishes. Believe it or not, this makes me almost feel like the pirate queen, as if I did something forbidden, but at the same time it is a big adventure. 

 I hope you all have a lovely Sunday!