Awful Saturday

This morning was really tough. Not because there was a problem between hubby and me, no, well in a way maybe because hubby was not there. Somehow it is my own fault. I don’t know. But it left me flustered all day. 

I’ll try to organize the series of events, so that my whining is comprehensible. Hubby was out in town, at work. No problem for me, because I could do everything the way I want to. Yeah, you can absolutely eat from the thoroughly cleaned floors, but this morning I was more in baby’s room to sort things. Again, I love that and I am in love with the tiny clothes.

The doorbell rang. Thoughtless me waddled downstairs and simply opened. A woman and a teenager? What could they want? They asked for shoes, they were obviously doing that professionally. We always give our old clothes, shoes, furniture and all sorts of things to charity. There is no money involved, when we don’t need things, we pass them on to someone who can put them to good use. I told them. They did not go away. They talked on, the woman held the door open, one hand first, both hands almost immediately after. But at least they couldn’t come in, because I was standing half in the doorway. I became pretty agitated, told them to go, several times, and also threatened to call the police. They simply would not let me close our own door. Either I am physically stronger than I think or they were afraid of pushing right through me. 

By the way, in week 34 you can forget virtually all you know about self-defense. I wanted to protect my belly and I wanted this darn door closed. Actually I had put my weight against the door, but the woman still held against from the outside. I was getting louder, as in really loud, but NOT hysterical (!), and finally a neighbor was outside and on his way because he saw I needed help.

Those two ran away immediately. Ok, under different circumstances I’d have called the police, but all I could do in that same moment was sit down on the floor. I was so agitated that I could not even breathe, instead I was only gasping for breath. I thought I felt every single vein, pumping like mad.

My neighbor gave me a plastic bag, because he thought I might hyperventilate. Clever man, I was gasping and white as chalk. Maybe he was right, it has happened several years ago. I think the bag helped a little, and meanwhile the police were underway too.

And then the contractions started…

The first time I only thought ‘what’s going on now?!’ And then it came again, within maybe one or two minutes. I panicked in this moment, because this whole “§$%&§&”!§ with those two had left me a mess. I thought I’d have baby now within the next moment. I called my doc and our neighbor called an ambulance. My doc won. She was there first, the contractions were still there, but not becoming stronger. I had only moved from the floor onto a step, because I felt too wobbly to move more and tried breathing more controlled. Well, I had to breathe, because before my doctor arrived, my neighbor had wanted me to lie down on my back on the floor, against shock.’ Uhm hello? I simply can’t! I’d pass out immediately from that’, I thought and told him. But controlled breathing worked, a short time later, doc and neighbor brought me to the sofa, put me down there, legs up, more sideways, so that I looked as if I was glued to the backrest of the sofa, but it was ok. In a way, I got talked out of feeling bad, and right when the ambulance arrived, I was actually beginning to be much better again. I thought they could give me my vitamins and go again, but I was wrong there.

Everybody, doc, neighbor and three paramedics thought it was better to bring me to hospital for a thorough check up. The contractions had almost stopped again, but doc and the medics wanted to make sure all would be good. I would have denied that, but there was this slightly stabbing kind of pain and I was afraid that baby was hurt or I’d have a home birth right after they’d leave, and therefore thought I’d better agree. Oh and of course (!) I had to go to the loo so urgently by then. At least it was only my doc who went with me and waited outside, door half open. Otherwise it would have been one of the paramedics. They would not even let me walk to their ambulance. My personal medical slaves hauled me in there like a queen.

So, I had a free ride to hospital, hubby was on his way, too, and only late in the afternoon could we leave again. Hubby never left my side, and he was only happy that baby and I were ok. The contractions were gone by the time we had arrived in hospital and never came back. I was told that they were a symptom for stress …. Duh! Now, how might that possibly have happened?! There was no bleeding, I am all closed (not dilated), and the scan showed baby was in perfect position to pop out of me any minute. Everything concerning baby was according to the rules; don't know where baby learned them so well.

As you can imagine, I am absolutely happy that everything turned out this way and baby is fine. That’s all that matters.

The hospital staff would have loved to keep me there, but there was no reason left, only that the hospital had one or two beds empty. Therefore we went home again, on the promise that I’d rest and try to relax. (By that time I could barely wait to return to our nursery, it is a little bit like playing with dolls, very relaxing for me)

In the car I told hubby that I was waiting to be scolded for my stupidity. But he simply couldn’t. He said that I had been scolding myself more than enough during the last hours, without his adding to it and he was only happy that we were well. Oh my, this left me with mixed emotions, but it was also a trigger to release all the tension that I still had in me.

In a way I would have loved him to scold me, because I connect this with the structure and rituals that we follow. I know what to expect then, it would have helped to settle everything and to give me my balance and peace. On the other hand, I don’t know if I could have taken any of that and it might have upset me again, too. Besides, I think that he reproaches himself because this happened in his house. He hasn’t said anything like that yet, but he doesn’t like it when he cannot influence events, and he is pretty protective, so having intruders in his territory, definitely vexes him a lot. 

Maybe his answer was much better than my request. I am happy because he has been so understanding, but also a little bit confused, because in such moments I feel just how much being held accountable and being disciplined helps. I don't know if this makes much sense.

Anyway, I tried to get my additional rest, but all I could do was eat two cookies. Hubby has been around, we have talked about this and somewhere under what he wants to let me see, I think he is restless. Not really too worried, though. The police have video footage, but hubby does not believe they’ll catch anybody. It’s holiday season here and every year we have gangs of burglars swarming the city and the regions around. According to hubby, those two belonged to one of those gangs. After a while they’ll disappear again.

I did not get reprimanded, only got one single reminder, to look first, before opening the door. Never risk baby and my well-being. Easy to follow, I’d think, but then again, this Saturday showed I was not able to do this.

Maybe I have somewhere on my forehead a sign saying “she’s stupid”, and it seems I do not even have to leave the house to attract problems either. We live in a decent neighbourhood in a big city. There are few problems, our house is pretty safe, because hubby knows a lot about such things, and then I ruin it all, by opening that stupid door. I could have looked who’s there first. I don’t do such things intentionally, but like this morning, I had not even thought about finding out who’s there. Besides, it would not have helped, because they did not look dangerous and I would have opened  the door even after checking first. 

Originally I had thought whether we could have a cat once baby is there. If I want one now, it has to be the size of a tiger. I think I want a dog now. A big one, like those you could almost mistake for a horse. I want it trained to open our frontdoor, if possible. And I want the dog to go by the name of Mimi, because this sounds so cute and harmless. And then I want to see burglars run away from the cute little giant dog. And I want to catch that on video so that I can put it onto youtube and everybody knows that they ran away from a dog with such a cute name. Sorry, I am tired.

This one would do --> Mimi

It is late here by now (midnight), and up to now I have been obedient and tried to rest, but I cannot sleep. The usual stuff. Writing this down was relaxing and I’ll get my warm milk and hide in a heap of cushions. Hubby is here, with him around I wouldn’t mind if all doors were open, because I feel safe with him.

Sorry for my whining, and I wish you all have a happy and peaceful weekend!