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Thursday, August 27, 2015

The nice and the horrid things


The horrid things

The last weeks have been somewhere between not good to most awful and terrible. My current silence here is most of all out of sadness, due to my granny being in an extremely bad condition after suffering three strokes, virtually within hours. The doctors are sort of surprised that she is still with us, ... maybe I should say they are impressed. This has been going on a bit over two weeks now, but now I feel able to write about it here.

This is a glum time, and I am so sad that there are moments when I simply don’t know what to do. However with each day that passes, this seems to be a sort of normal, at least for the moment. I don’t know whether I am getting used to the situation or whether it has simply worn me down. It is not that I feel less for granny in any way, definitely not. But there is nothing we can do. We are here, which is the place where granny was born. Tilda and I visit granny twice a day, usually Amy is with us. Granny knows Amy just as well and loves her like me, because for most years before hubby we were almost inseparable.

Accordingly, Amy suffers no less than I do, and I am so sorry that I have given her a hard time in addition to the sadness and pain she has to endure. None of it was intentionally, but she has made sure that I eat and drink when I simply could not. I really couldn’t do that the way I should with my baby growing, because seeing granny like this, after I had thought she’d recover, left me numb. I don’t know what would have happened without hubby, Tilda and Amy, but they were there and had love for me in a moment when I couldn’t feel anything at all, well, I felt like tearing, but that didn’t happen.

One of my dreams of good life was that granny would see our children grow up. I don’t know. This is so hard to say, but this dream won’t come true, however at the same time I scream at myself it will happen. She has been so happy to hold Tilda, just like she was all excited when I told her about baby. She might have thought that I had not seen her worries over the years, as she always tried to play that down a little bit, but I have, and I have a bad conscience from that. However she never gave up hope when things went terribly wrong, and I guess she would have deserved someone who’d be less trouble. I know she has been so relieved that things turned out so well for us. And she is someone who always finds a kind word, gives you a kiss and hug, takes you with her and listens, no matter what. She’s so adorable, she deserves so much better, but not this! Quick change of topic.


The nice things

So, obviously this is not an all-out positive post, I apologize for that, however, even when I am having a hard time appreciating all the good around me, I know it is there. It is just waiting for me to see all of it again.
On Tuesday things changed to the better side of things. While visiting granny, one of my uncles came in who I have not seen for about twenty years. He took us on a day trip which was awesome. I found out how wonderful he is, and he told me some stories about granny too. I loved that day because he is such a charming and warmhearted man, he made it so easy to talk, and somehow it was as if he had never really been away, because he knew all the details about our family, and his way of talking was just like I remembered. I am not going to let him go again for another twenty years.
 
He made a difference, and I found more of my appetite again, which is so important at the moment. Apart from sleepless nights and the troubles I had with eating, I think baby is having a good time; after all, Amy made sure I did eat and drink. It was the loving kind of blackmail a lá ‘no lunch no visit at grandma’s ’, and of course I want baby safe, so I tried and it worked. I am glad and grateful that she was there in these moments.

A small positive change was when granny looked so much better yesterday, more alive. Seeing her like that created hope in me. It is just to see her a little better that made the whole day a good one.

The title spoke about the nice things, so I wanted to end this with the nice things in our life, also because granny wants us to appreciate these. Tilda is walking, but when she wants to be fast she often goes back to all fours. Not long and she'll be running! She is talking a lot, though most things are not easy to understand yet. But we can discuss her toys and all sorts of things by now. In a way. :) Let's see, she looks like hubby, and she seems to have his stubbornness. But she talks a lot more than hubby does, even though he is not short of words either. :)

And somehow baby grows, and I am already in week 21! All in all, I am feeling good about my bump, there are no major problems, and if the circumstances were a little different, this would be a post about how awesome things are, I guess. Ok, that was weird, but if you read till here, you are used to that from my side. :) 

Imagine that, week 21! There was like no time to write much about baby, just like baby and I did not have much quiet time to appreciate how good things are around and inside my bump. So, this is about the nice things, just like Jan’s grandbaby news have been such a wonderful light in a gloomy time! 





 Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

23 comments :

  1. I am sorry about your granny Nina. I believe what you are in right now is what I refer as 'suspended animation'. I am the same way with my niece and her medical 'issues' for lack of a better term. I think it is just our heart's way of getting through another day, coupled with feeling like there is nothing you can do to change a damn thing. Except keep them company. And let them know you are there. I know that Granny must be so happy for the Tilda distraction everyday. I know my niece doesn't want to focus on what could go wrong right now. So I wait until she brings it up.

    Don't look back with regrets of your youth. Granny did get to see that her hope won out in the long run.

    Much love
    willie

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    1. Hi Willie, suspended animation doesn’t really sound nice, but somehow it fits pretty well. I keep telling her all sorts of things, just in case she can hear me. In some moments just thinking about her is like being in a sort of limbo, when I cannot cope with granny’s hopeless situation. At other times it is easier, because I believe that she knows we are there for her. Keeping company is what I can do, and although the nurses do not approve of too many visitors at once, I love that, because I know how granny loves all the noise and hustle and bustle that comes with loved ones being together.
      I am so sorry about your niece, what you write sounds like such a worrisome time for you too. I hope that all will be good for her, and I am sending good thoughts her way. I am glad that she comes to you to talk, especially with her deepest worries because I think you do understand that in the best way possible, so that she feels less burdened.

      hugs and love

      Nina

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  2. I can't think of anything to say, so I will say, I am keeping you and yours in my thoughts.
    Hugs, Julia

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    1. Hi Julia, thank you for commenting. I appreciate all good thoughts so much, and one way or the other this helps all of us.

      hugs

      Nina

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  3. I am glad you shared everything that is going on. In life, even when there is deep sadness there are wonderful bright times that peak through! Granny is lucky to have so much love from you, Tilda and all the family.
    You are blessed as well!
    Keep us posted about everything.... Good bad and in-be-tween.

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    1. Hi Minelle, thank you for your kind words. I really had trouble seeing any of the good for a while, because I was too overwhelmed. But some of the bright times has returned and I am so glad to have that back. If anything, we all want granny to feel loved, she will feel some of it, and this is what matters most now. I am glad that I could find the words for this post, and will try to post more again.

      hugs

      Nina

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  4. Hey sweet Nina...thank you for sharing your life with us...the good and the bad...that's what friends are for. Sorry Granny is not in a good place. So happy that Amy is helping you take care of yourself...do you realize how much good you are doing her...you've given her a positive to focus on.

    Awww...so sweet that our Tilda is walking and chattering. Please give her hugs and tummy tickles from auntie Cat...oh and please tell her auntie Cat says "hi sweet girl". Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Hi Cat, thank you for your kind words. I wish I had more of the good news to share, but when I do want to, somehow the not so awesome things pop up out of nowhere. I am glad that Amy is here, she helped me so much, as she always has. I wish I had more positive to give to her, because I really don’t feel like I have much to offer at the moment. Well, I do show her that I love her, just like she does.
      Tilda is awesome, and she is the best to brighten my days at the moment. I am happy that she can walk, and that she has words … sounds …. For all sorts of things by now. She is a real entertainer for us here. :) I’ve given her hugs and tummy tickles from you, and also told her ‘hi sweet girl’ from you. She knows ‘Sweetie’, and she tries saying that too. :)
      Thank you for sending prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts. I appreciate that a lot and granny will feel it too. Thank you.

      hugs

      Nina

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  5. Oh Nina darling, I am so sorry about all the sadness in your life. Your poor Granny, she has definitely suffered enough. Life is so unfair. I am sure of one thing though, sje would not want you suffering too, She would want you and your family to thrive so please keep looking after yourself. It is totally awesome news about the baby , thank goodness all is well there. Fancy Tilda walking, time flies by so fast, she will be at school before you know it!!
    My grandbaby and son and dil are coming today for a four day visit, I am so excited. After the weekend I am going to email you some pics of the baby. Keep your chin up and much love to all of you
    love Jan,xxx
    hugs to Tilda.x

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    1. Hi Jan, I am torn between hoping she doesn’t have to suffer for long now and for her to become better. :( Granny would definitely want us to thrive, you are so right with that. I think the best that could happen was that granny knows Tilda, and that she knows about my bump. I wish so much for her having the chance to see baby in person. Well. But the best for me to do is make sure that baby is fine, and I do all for that. Oh yes, time flies so fast, I would never have thought it like that. Somehow I still feel like I just got my little one, and in another five weeks it is already her first birthday?! Wow.
      I am happy for you having grandbaby time and having your son and dil with you for a while. This will be so awesome! I hope your dil is healing well and that you all will have a wonderful time together.

      hugs and love

      Nina

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  6. Hi Nina, thank you for sharing with us. I'm so sorry to hear about Granny. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I'm so glad you have Amy and your husband by your side
    and I'm sure the visits from you and Tilda brighten Granny's day.

    I'm so glad you were able to spend some time and reconnect with your uncleand that baby is doing well. Wow, week 21 already! Enjoyed the Tilda news. Goodness, walking and talking. Where does the time go?

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers and know that granny will feel all the good she is sent. I am glad about Amy and hubby being here, too. It was difficult as it is, but I don’t know how I could have made it without them. I hope that granny does notice that we are there, and if it is only a feeling of being not alone, that would be great.
      The day with my uncle was really awesome. He wouldn’t accept any excuses and he was right. We needed that and it made things better for us. Yep, time flies! It seems like yesterday that I got Tilda and suddenly she is one. :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  7. NiNa - So sorry about your Gran. It's so hard watching your loved ones go through something when you know there is nothing you can do to help. Know though, that on some level she knows you're there and will be watching your children grow, even if its not in the physical sense. Getting to spend time with your uncle is a bonus - I think your Gran had a hand in it, don't you?

    Tilda and your 'bump' is the proof that life is a cycle and we have to enjoy every phase of it. So happy things are going well with the pregnancy. Listening to how Tilda is growing brings back great memories for me. Enjoy every bit of it, NiNa because it goes so very fast.

    Prayers for you and your gran

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    1. Hi Sunny, you are so right, I feel helpless most of the time, and all I can do is talk to granny. I also believe that she knows we are there, and she will watch us. The time with my uncle was precious. In a way, she surely had a hand in it. After all he kind of kidnapped us right from granny’s side. :)
      At the moment it is not always easy, but I do know the good and enjoyable times are there, just like the sad ones. Tilda and the pregnancy are two of the wonderful things that are happening, and I love that we have this. I am glad that you have all these great memories, and you are so right about how fast time really flies. Thank you for the prayers, I appreciate them and I know that they do make a difference for granny too. Thank you.

      hugs

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  8. So sorry about your granny.You're doing everything you can to help her. Remember, lean on others yourself.
    Tilda is going to keep you very busy, and so will bump, so let others keep you strong.
    I'm glad you had time with your uncle.
    hugs to you all.
    DF

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    1. Hi DF, you are right, Tilda does keep me busy … which I am glad about. I have Amy and hubby here for support, and I'd say they do a great job at that. :) I wished I could do more for granny, but I don’t see how. The day with my uncle was so awesome. It made a difference, changed things to the better and I am so glad that he turned up.

      hugs

      Nina

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  9. I'm sorry that your granny is so ill. I will keep you all in my thoughts.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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    1. Hi Hermione, thank you for your good thoughts. I appreciate that a lot and they are very welcome. :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  10. Hi Nina -
    Sorry to hear about your Granny. These times are never easy and yet time doesn't stand still and like Sunny Girl said we are reminded that life is a cycle and your babies need you as well.

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
    Hugs,
    Enzo

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    1. Hi Enzo, thank you for your kind words. You are right with all you say, and at the moment I am able to see the good things too, although I am sad about what granny goes through. Thank you for your positive thoughts and prayers, I appreciate that a lot.

      hugs

      Nina

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  11. Hi Nina, :) My heart aches for you! I have had you and your Granny in my thoughts and prayers. Oh it is such a hard thing! I know what you are going through and all I can do is send you the biggest of hugs and the teeniest of little squeezes for little Tilda! Hang in there. Each person must find their own solace when going through these kinds of times. I still think that the pain is a great reminder of how well we have loved. Doesn't make it any easier though...

    Sounds like you have a good team there helping you through. I am glad to hear that. I agree with others above- a touch, some music, reading something aloud, or talking/the squeals of Tilda's innocent baby babble- all may be something that your Granny may take in. It is equally tough when we don't know. But it helps us to feel better- that is for sure. It is something that we can do. Stay strong! <3

    You are right to think of the good things in each day, even when it is hard to do. How wonderful a day sounds with Tilda! How beautiful that baby is growing well inside you. 21 weeks- how wonderful! Take good care of you. I know that you have someone who will see to that and loves you as well! Love sent your way,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie, thank you for your wonderful words, and I am grateful for your hugs and also for the squeezes for Tilda. The squeezes have been a part of our quality time. :)
      Our family is not really in a good place at the moment, but somehow we get along and you are right with saying that each person must find their own solace. All I know is that I suck at that. It goes up and down, at the moment the visits are a little harder for me, although I do not know why. There is no change at all in granny, but somehow I am more down after every visit than I was last week. I want to visit granny, and I am glad that I have at least that, but they are not happy moments right now.

      Oh, with Amy and hubby I have the best team possible. They are a bit bossy with me at times, but without them I would not have known what to do really. I do enjoy telling granny all that happens, reading, touching and the best moments for me are actually those when there are a few people in the room and make a little noise, because that is closest to everyday life. Granny loved that and I always hope it might bring her a little joy. :)

      The atmosphere around here is a bit gloomy at times, but some things have returned to a more normal life again too. If I did not at least try hard to see the good things I’d cheat on granny, because she is always positive and I love that too. It is not always easy, but that is ok. So, whatever happens, I’ll do my best to make baby grow nicely, and all around will help with that too. The good thing about this is that I feel blessed because of baby and family, even though we are worried about granny.

      hugs and love

      Nina

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    2. Oh Nina, sending you more hugs and another teeny tiny squeeze for Tilda! I know the place that you are in, as well as the pain that you speak of when standing before your Granny. Mom is the same, and has been for some time. Every single time I see her it is like poking a raw wound. Trapped somewhere between worlds, one can grieves but... You stay strong and take care of yourself and your babies! You do have a great team behind you- a wonderful thing. We will get through. I just know it. And my mom and your Granny will be proud. ;) Prayers and warm thoughts sent your way. Lots of love,

      <3 Katie

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