The nice and the horrid things

The horrid things

The last weeks have been somewhere between not good to most awful and terrible. My current silence here is most of all out of sadness, due to my granny being in an extremely bad condition after suffering three strokes, virtually within hours. The doctors are sort of surprised that she is still with us, ... maybe I should say they are impressed. This has been going on a bit over two weeks now, but now I feel able to write about it here.

This is a glum time, and I am so sad that there are moments when I simply don’t know what to do. However with each day that passes, this seems to be a sort of normal, at least for the moment. I don’t know whether I am getting used to the situation or whether it has simply worn me down. It is not that I feel less for granny in any way, definitely not. But there is nothing we can do. We are here, which is the place where granny was born. Tilda and I visit granny twice a day, usually Amy is with us. Granny knows Amy just as well and loves her like me, because for most years before hubby we were almost inseparable.

Accordingly, Amy suffers no less than I do, and I am so sorry that I have given her a hard time in addition to the sadness and pain she has to endure. None of it was intentionally, but she has made sure that I eat and drink when I simply could not. I really couldn’t do that the way I should with my baby growing, because seeing granny like this, after I had thought she’d recover, left me numb. I don’t know what would have happened without hubby, Tilda and Amy, but they were there and had love for me in a moment when I couldn’t feel anything at all, well, I felt like tearing, but that didn’t happen.

One of my dreams of good life was that granny would see our children grow up. I don’t know. This is so hard to say, but this dream won’t come true, however at the same time I scream at myself it will happen. She has been so happy to hold Tilda, just like she was all excited when I told her about baby. She might have thought that I had not seen her worries over the years, as she always tried to play that down a little bit, but I have, and I have a bad conscience from that. However she never gave up hope when things went terribly wrong, and I guess she would have deserved someone who’d be less trouble. I know she has been so relieved that things turned out so well for us. And she is someone who always finds a kind word, gives you a kiss and hug, takes you with her and listens, no matter what. She’s so adorable, she deserves so much better, but not this! Quick change of topic.

The nice things

So, obviously this is not an all-out positive post, I apologize for that, however, even when I am having a hard time appreciating all the good around me, I know it is there. It is just waiting for me to see all of it again.

On Tuesday things changed to the better side of things. While visiting granny, one of my uncles came in who I have not seen for about twenty years. He took us on a day trip which was awesome. I found out how wonderful he is, and he told me some stories about granny too. I loved that day because he is such a charming and warmhearted man, he made it so easy to talk, and somehow it was as if he had never really been away, because he knew all the details about our family, and his way of talking was just like I remembered. I am not going to let him go again for another twenty years.

 

He made a difference, and I found more of my appetite again, which is so important at the moment. Apart from sleepless nights and the troubles I had with eating, I think baby is having a good time; after all, Amy made sure I did eat and drink. It was the loving kind of blackmail a lá ‘no lunch no visit at grandma’s ’, and of course I want baby safe, so I tried and it worked. I am glad and grateful that she was there in these moments.

A small positive change was when granny looked so much better yesterday, more alive. Seeing her like that created hope in me. It is just to see her a little better that made the whole day a good one.

The title spoke about the nice things, so I wanted to end this with the nice things in our life, also because granny wants us to appreciate these. Tilda is walking, but when she wants to be fast she often goes back to all fours. Not long and she'll be running! She is talking a lot, though most things are not easy to understand yet. But we can discuss her toys and all sorts of things by now. In a way. :) Let's see, she looks like hubby, and she seems to have his stubbornness. But she talks a lot more than hubby does, even though he is not short of words either. :)

And somehow baby grows, and I am already in week 21! All in all, I am feeling good about my bump, there are no major problems, and if the circumstances were a little different, this would be a post about how awesome things are, I guess. Ok, that was weird, but if you read till here, you are used to that from my side. :) 

Imagine that, week 21! There was like no time to write much about baby, just like baby and I did not have much quiet time to appreciate how good things are around and inside my bump. So, this is about the nice things, just like Jan’s grandbaby news have been such a wonderful light in a gloomy time! 

 Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

The kitchen incident 1

A whiff of fresh air touches my back and makes me turn around. I had such a wonderful dream about veggie salad and Nutella. Does anybody know if snails have got a deeper meaning in dreams?  … Don’t ask; my excuse is it was a dream. However pickled cucumber with Nutella have been extremely awesome earlier today! :)

Our bedroom is dark, with the window wide open and the cool air of a fresh breeze wakes me up more than I like. There is almost no sound up here, well, from the garden I hear a huffing and puffing hedgehog, but in the house all is quiet. Good, Tilda is fast asleep; we’ve been through some bad teething nights, so, when she is quiet, things are good. I frown. Where is hubby? His sheets are sprawled all over his side of the bed. Empty. I stop breathing, listen again and hear faint sounds from downstairs. Sitting up in bed, I try to see a little more in the darkness.

What is he doing downstairs at the dead of night? 3.30 am, so this is not normal, not even in our house. Besides, usually it is I who would be up and get something to eat or drink. I am getting cold, which is no surprise, because the bed is always colder when he is not there. Or maybe it is that I am in the nude and no longer snuggled into my warm sheets. For a short moment my thoughts about him keeping me warm in different ways let me feel the pleasant butterflies in my stomach before I return to the present. It is not warm tonight. My feet are unpleasantly cold, and I hurry to put on my infamous fluffy moose house shoes, snuggle into my dressing gown and feel it over my belly, which makes me smile again. I am so proud to have that little bump and love it dearly.

Quietly I open the door, listen downstairs. There is a wonderful sweet smell all over the house. Ah ok, that’s the fridge door. That’s the cutlery drawer. Cupboard. Ok, sounds like an after midnight snack. Great idea, I'll see what I can lay my hands on. I'd love to surprise him, because we have been busy lately, so our reconnections have been short and not too many. Accordingly, an intimate moment with hubby would be a treat. Oh yes, and of course I'll demand my fair share of the spoils, whatever the fridge has to offer. As I tiptoe down the stairs I see soft light fall into the corridor. I open the door a little wider and see hubby doing something at the kitchen counter. Compared to the cool bedroom it is blazing hot in the kitchen, and I think the warmth makes me tired, so I yawn, audibly.

Hubby turns his head to me. Uh oh, it seems I have interrupted him. He looks a little disappointed. Darn. Not a good start for an early morning snack.

“What are you doing down here!? Have I been too noisy? Sorry, sweetie.” I shake my head. Oh snap, clever reply, girlie. Finally I manage to clear my throat and speak.

“No, all was ok, but I missed you in bed.” I step closer and try to see what he is hiding on the kitchen counter. “What have you been doing here? Have you seen what time it is?”

He nods and grins. “It’s a surprise, and it is a secret till then. Come, sit down.” Hubby leads me to my kitchen chair, takes my hands, puts them on the table. “Don’t move, close your eyes, keep ‘m shut, hear me?!” I know better than to create trouble before daylight. 

“Yes, Sir” He kisses my cheek and seems to chuckle. “Good girl.” Hmmm I love that. More, please. 

He leaves and it becomes almost quiet again. For me it is practically dark in our brightly lit kitchen. Suddenly I wish I had come down naked, because it is so awfully hot in here and that makes me sleepy. So, tired as I am, depraved of sight and touch, all left to do is smell.

It smells sweet, like biscuits. Yummy. I visualize the sweetest oatmeal  biscuits and this is more than enough to make me drool. I must have been in biscuit dreamland, because hubby has returned without me noticing and touches my hair from behind.

“This will make it easier for you”, he says as he puts a sleep mask on me. 

“What is this for? Why? What are you doing? Give me some idea, pleeeaase.” I can hear him rummaging somewhere to my left. He chuckles again. “Thank you that you think I am so funny. Sir.” Ooops, that came out harshly. But I am getting hungry from all the sweet odours and secrecy.

“You better behave, or I will not tell you anything and send you upstairs.” I sigh audibly, facing left, where I think hubby might be. “Sorry, I didn’t want to be rude. But this makes me seriously hungry. I feel starved! That’s not funny.” No joke, instead of my Uber-sexdrive from last year, I need food.

I almost jump when he whispers from the right side “Sweetie, just a little longer, you’ll love it. Promise.” He kisses my cheek again, whereas my attempt to kiss him fails and I kiss the air. I hear his chuckles again. I try begging. “Can I get a hint, Sir, just something to keep me busy, pleeaase?”

He breathes sharply in. Ooopsy, the queen is not amused? “Ok, one tip. It is colourful.”

Oh that could mean a lot. Colourful food?! Everything in our house is about colour. No idea what food is colourful. “Can I ask, and you answer yes or no?” Chuckles. “You don’t give up, do you? I’ll answer what I want to, to keep you nosey girl busy.”

“Thank you, Sir. Are they cookies?” I grin. Haha, I must have won.

“No, sweetie. My turn. I think the rules of this game are not clear to you yet.” Suddenly a sharp, disgusting odor invades my nose. “Eeew, what’s that?!”

“Sweetie, it takes two to tango. Every time you get a ‘no’, I’ll let you smell something, or even put something into your mouth. This was onion.” I am really bewildered, kind of. “Do you still want to play?”  I can virtually hear his smirk, because he knows perfectly well that smells can currently drive me crazy and make me jump to the bathroom. He must think I'd chicken out. 

"Ok, let's play..."

I'll try to finish writing down the rest of what happened soon. :)

There are no other news up to now, so we'll wait and see.

Wishing you all a wonderful and most peaceful weekend, 

unless you want a 

most exciting fun weekend, then I hope you get that!

We are all in this together

With this our way through life is meant. For some life is like a race, although I cannot see what their goal might be. Hopefully it is not being there first. We will all reach the finish, sooner or later. For me, personally, it is like being on an endless ocean, in a boat. I want my boat nice, a big one, so that many people can be there, I think it is colourful. :) I don’t follow a direction, or have a motor, instead I have some sort of sail that will help lead us where the wind wants us to go. 

 

There are so many different boats, some ugly on the inside, some awesome, some only with a single seat (sounds dreary to me), some fast ones, some making big waves, some even endangering or sinking other boats and their crews, and I have also seen several boats sink and felt like sinking in my boat too, as there was a lot of water in it. 

You can guess that at different times and even simultaneously hubby and Amy were the ones who helped getting all that water out of the boat again. At different times, Amy and hubby have been captain of my ship, as much as they could, because I think a boat might appear strong, as if it could withstand any storm, but in reality boats can be pretty fragile and delicate, easy to break, and so easy to be separated from other boats so that they are lost.

You might wonder if I am completely nuts now, or if there is another reason behind my writing about boats. There is. Granny is not good at the moment. I am so completely worried about her, after rather minor surgery –which was not even really cancer related – she had an allergic shock and has been comatose ever since. The doctors have tried to wake her up, and physically she is healing, but she has not woken up yet. I am talking about two weeks by now.

Granny’s boat is not deserted at all, but it looks fragile and empty, and it is such a beautiful boat. I love people who are open and friendly because they mean it, granny is like that. I don’t know all the people that stayed on her boat, but those who I met have always been positively impressed by her and those who come closer love her. 

I want granny’s boat to go slow, so that there is a lot of time for all of us together. I want her to see Tilda, baby and our family grow up, have fun with us, and the kids would love to have more time with granny who has always been so awesome at steering her ship. Right now, my boat is definitely floating a little more than I like to. I am so worried, sad that this silly thing happened to her, and I am sorry to bother you with this but couldn't really stop myself. 

We are currently at the seaside, waiting for a call and could be back with her any time. We have watched some ships, so that might explain a lot, and the metaphors made it easier to sort my thoughts.

Anyways, 

my Captain calls me to bed,

wishing you all a wonderful week, hopefully with some good weather, 

so that your boats go where you want them to. :)

We are doing fine

As usual, my original plan was to post far earlier. I had written down some, pregnancy related, but then I changed it all again and again after talking to my besty Amy.

She has hit an emotional low, she is in a very difficult situation that slowly seems to clear up again though. This is about love, so it can be tricky, oh heck, it definitely is complicated and tricky. However she is taking the right steps and all will be good I hope. But it has taken more than two weeks by now for me to figure out that all will come to a good ending. There is still a lot of struggling going on in her, and for Amy nothing is really solved yet, but she also is a very responsible woman and she has all the good characteristics you could wish for. And since I have bragged about her in other posts, :) some do already know that she is a real keeper. So, I am pretty sure she will do the right thing. Short version: It is an intense time for her, I wouldn't want to be her right now, and I'd never want to be in her current situation.
Sorry for being this enigmatic here. Maybe this was more like sorting things for myself, and I really couldn't put more about Amy's trouble here.

Holiday news

I hope Amy will solve this within the next two weeks. If not, I’ll be in real trouble with hubby, because we’ll go on a trip to the coast (oh yes!), and I can only go when Amy is in the clear (oh no!). This time it is not off to Britain, not even far away from Hamburg, instead it is a nice little holiday trip to the North Sea for a few days. 
I wanted us to go and meet family on the little island again, but hubby didn’t want to. He was so absolutely against it, that I had asked more than once if there was something going on which I should know. Rare occasion that I am like that, it sort of made me feel rather confrontational and pushy, which is awful. 
It is still a strange sort of behaviour from hubby's side. He was pretty vague about his reasons, and somehow I am almost expecting my in laws to pop up out of nowhere while we are at the Sea. But if I really expect that and it doesn’t happen then, I’ll be too disappointed. So, no expectations, instead I’ll just go with the flow and enjoy the time we have there. :) Oh, woohoo! This means hubby has time, which has been rather scarce lately !!!! 

Bump news

Finally, my belly is looking like a bump! I look less overstuffed, and a little bit more like pregnant now. :) I love that, it is so much better for my body image, and I don’t have to explain every second minute that I eat for two. Ok, I might take that too literally at times and have eaten for two adults now and then, not only the obligatory 300 calories more. Yep, I know I’ll suffer a lot next year when I want to get rid of extra weight. Nevertheless, for now, all is good. Week 14 means that baby is about the size of a lemon, fine, but I love that with the beginning of the second trimester baby is much safer again.

The other good news is that I did not really doubt that she’d be fine. This is an achievement for me. Feeling like this is awesome and I have not known that much confidence in my bump before. With Tilda I felt pretty safe after week 32, but this time I have been better from the start and felt like nothing could get between baby and me at all.

I have only had a little morning sickness, which is currently almost gone, and my cravings are still about spicy things. Yeah, and when I eat that, it seems I get heartburn from it. But I can handle that. :) You know what is best? It is summer, Tilda will start making her own real steps soon and I am not too bumpy to help her. We can do all sorts of things together in this year’s summer! Woohoo! Awesome.

Tilda news

So far, Tilda is standing, but not walking yet. However she can work her way up from sitting to standing alone, too. Sitting down is slightly bumpy at times, but her bum is well-padded, so she doesn’t worry much, … if she falls on her bottom, that is. A few days ago she landed on her face, but it didn't bother her. Seems to have been a recurring experience. 

She is becoming quite a character now. Hubby and I had discussions about that. From her looks, she is so much daddy’s girl. Hubby says from what she does, she’s mommy’s girl. That’s because she loves putting things into boxes. :) I can’t let her play in the kitchen when I work there, too dangerous, but I do give her some Tupperware and she has lots of blocks. I showed her how to put these into the boxes and she still does that all the time now. Put them in, empty box again, put blocks in, empty box. Oh, when she’s in the playpen it goes like put them in, empty box outside playpen, protest until mommy gives them back to her. :)
I am not always sure if it is her or me who really has bouts of separation anxiety. But I am getting much better about it (really!!!). Tilda on the other hand has had some bad moments when I was around the corner where she couldn't see me and crying like mad because of it. The door was open, she could hear me, but could not come because of the safety gate. I think this is something she has to get used to. I am not away, she can always hear me, most of the time she is right with me, but sometimes not. Well, we are both learning and we are in this together; it is the first time for both of us. :) 

Exercise, hormones and corner time

Apart from collecting things for Tilda, we do more of our morning walk than ever, but last year’s rule about not going into the forest/fields alone is there for good. I got a reminder about that when this crazy customer of hubby’s turned up at our house earlier this year. As it turns out, this guy was a bigger problem for hubby than he had told me, but it seems to be ok now.

So far this year the morning walk has become a wonderful tradition which has given Amy and me lots of time to talk. Now, with the hot weather we have not always been walking through the forest, sometimes we only walked to a little café (no coffee for me, no thanks). I am not like avoiding exercise though. Exercise is important, and I love it, even though I am not overdoing sports either, but I do a little something every day. I am fully back into yoga and do some extra swimming too, but only to feel good. Walking is ok, but running? No thank you, maybe next year.

In general I think that Tilda and I are doing a great job at keeping everything around the house going. Accordingly, corner time is rare at the moment. The last one I got was because I was pretty snappish towards hubby. I have no idea what I was up to, but I was pretty moody that day. Actually I think that I am pretty moody in general lately, not too horrible, but sometimes I am overwhelmed, even by little things. Monday I found some cute little feathers next to our door, and I could see that a cat had eaten the little bird they belonged to. Well, there are cats around, and they do hunt, I know all that. My tears were rolling nevertheless and I felt silly. It happens just as easily in other moments, and I am glad that this is not always about sadness.

Anyways, hubby was so right with giving me time in the corner to come to my senses again after I had been snappy, but this was one of the hot days and I start having problems with swollen ankles while standing. So, instead of standing I was ordered on the floor with a blanket underneath, feet up against the wall. It felt great and actually it was not like a discipline measure for me, I found it yoga-esque and after a while hubby brought Tilda and made this the best corner time ever. She was moving through the office like a pro, hubby had an eye on her, because I was still not allowed to leave my place, but I was allowed to look what she was doing. So, actually I have been lounging on the floor, feet up the wall, nothing to do, only watch our little kiddo discover the office. It was family quality time. :) It worked, I was so deeply relaxed. :)

Well, there has been another sort of corner time, but that was in May, which feels  pretty long ago. However that one sucked, as a result I’ll try to stay out of the corner for the coming weeks.

Sue and Martin – Lost and forgotten

Haha, I still have three Sue and Martin stories in store which I found again among my unpublished posts. You know what’s best about that? They are almost like unknown stories for me too, as I barely remember a word of them, because I wrote them last year, under the influence of preggo brain. So, I guess I’ll better rewrite them before putting them here, … under the influence of preggo brain, oh my. Currently I am into forgetting things. I keep writing everything on my post its, and that helps a lot. What I do not want is forget something that involves hubby. He does understand that I might be a bit more touched these days, but so far he is really nice about that. I think he is just as happy as I am, because his wife is so sure all will be well. :) 

Wishing you all a wonderful second half of the week!