Cornertime instead of spankings again :)

We’ve had a very busy time again, not all was good about it though. But then again, we definitely have awesome news too. I’ll try to be concise … haha, yeah, as if.

My very sweet parents-in-law were here. They have had time for us, and in addition they have helped redecorating one of the rooms (as mentioned in my last post). We had so much time to talk and reconnect. Wonderful. They have made us so absolutely happy with their visit and I miss them more than I can say, and since I am somehow getting worse at saying good-byes lately, Tilda and I did not bring them to the airport. It was hard enough seeing them leave, but making a departure a prolonged experience is too sad atm. I do feel guilty because at other times I would have enjoyed the other hour being with them, but currently that would shake me up too much. I love them both, and especially with my mother-in-law talking is so easy and we have this connection. Seeing them leave again was so hard this time.

The very sad part of the last two weeks was that we have lost two friends of the family within three days. One of the two was much closer to me than the other one, but my parents are devastated about both, and this has created a lot of sadness here. For me, especially the loss of this one friend of the family is hard to endure, because he has been such a wonderful and charming man, and he has always been so full of life, as if he was overflowing with it. Imagine one who is close to you and makes you laugh in the best ways when he is there. That’s him. He was so interested in people and made you feel important and cherished, just because he talked to you. This is gone. I am sorry that I mention all this here, but seeing him and another friend go is something I still have to get my head around. We had hoped that he would be better, not lose his life. :(  Seeing him go also made the time with my parents-in-law even more special, also because they caught me in some of the sad moments. However this is not meant to be a down-post!

When good news come

I am glad that my mother- and father-in-law were here. They are so lovable and sweet, and in a week when not all was as good as we had wished, having them was the best that could happen. Both of them were there and I could simply hug them, which is wonderful. Maybe I am needy, whatever, but that I had hubby, Tilda, mil and fil to hug any time I wanted to, was the best that could happen. Some of you might know that I am definitely into hugging, and currently so much more than ever.

Apart from the not so awesome part, we do have all reason to be happy. We have good news, like in the best news, too. We are going to have our second baby! :) When you read this, I am in my tenth week! 

The beginning of the second trimester is not far away and just like with Tilda, I simply could not wait till the twelfth week to tell everybody. The good news needed to get out, as I have been close to bursting for several weeks by now.

My parents-in-law learned the day they arrived that they’d be grandparents again. :) I wanted to tell them, face to face, urgently, this couldn’t wait! It was so lovely, they have been as happy as can be, and also grateful because they got to know early and not on the phone. This has been so much better.

No more spankings … boo boo boo

With baby growing in me, I am out of the spankings again. :( Not good. When we started them again, life became so much easier for us here. I do silly things, get a spanking, won’t do it again, feel better, end of story. Now, keeping up discipline is tricky. I have had a few moments over the last weeks which would have caused a sore bum. I’d have appreciated that. Seriously, not the pain, but the feeling that I am really held accountable and being able to get over it so easily by being spanked. 

Instead I get loss of privileges now, and lots of corner time lately. I mean, after being spanked, corner time is good to come back, to think. But when you are a little fidgety and have no spanking, then corner time sucks big style. Since I am currently in my third month and feeling awesome once I get up (not too much morning sickness!!), I can still stand while facing the wall. Hooray! :) Well, this is not like a winner situation, because corner time is still boring. However, I like the idea that I am able to stand. Last year when I got corner time, I was sitting on a chair because my bump was a wee bit heavy towards the end and my ankles were swollen and standing quietly became more of a punishment than anything else. I hope I’ll be better than last year all in all. I think in some weeks back then hubby must have felt as if he was punished by having me around him, and last week I have not left a good impression either.

I mean, with no spankings in sight, (of course) I got a little sassy, against my will. I didn’t mean to, and it is in my/our best interest if I behave. Well, I didn’t, so hubby restricted my computer time. … I had no better question to ask if I could lend his language recognition software from his office, so that I could dictate everything I couldn’t write down myself because I wasn’t allowed to. …This is the wrong question, let me tell you, it is the wrong one! Hubby was speechless at first and I found myself in the corner faster than I could comprehend. Either hubby is rather quick with corner time these days, or I am really bad lately. Dunno, I want to be good for him, though. Besides, I can claim being hormonal and having a fuzzy brain as an excuse. :)

Fuzzy brain and her key

Before I forget it again… maybe I feel physically awesome (sleep is an issue though), mentally I have felt for weeks like I am forgetting everything and being unable to focus. Much too early, I thought that would happen later!

Oh yes, and accordingly I have been so confused that I lost my front door key. Maybe it happened while shopping, but how am I supposed to know. … You may guess now who was less amused than I. Yes, right, hubby was not happy about the lost key. So, we got a new lock for the front door, and I had effectively been grounded for the last weekend. My caring Master left me the choice, either I wouldn’t use the computer till Monday, or I wouldn’t have a key. Easy choice. :) Seriously, hubby was not really annoyed, he said as long as our address is not on a lost key, all will be fine. I mean, it did not stop him from having the lock replaced, but he knows that I lost the key by accident. He has more foresight in these things than I will ever have. I know that because I do stupid things without wanting too, like opening the front door, walking into the house, putting Tilda down, and then forgetting to close the front door for another hour! Happened this morning and I even passed the open door at least two times and did not notice.

Hammock time

Like last year, I have hammock time! It was my favourite place with Tilda and I could sleep better there than in any other place. I’ll have far less time for my hammock this year, but we have good weather currently and Tilda’s play pen has been outside on two days, so that we could chatter while I was in my hammock and she played next to me. Summer, we are prepared for you!

Wishing you all a wonderful week!

Everyday life update

I absolutely have to apologize for being away from my blog for such a long time. We are still here, though lots of things have been going on here. Since this is like a mixed bag again, I’ll tell you first what you can find here today, so that you can scroll down, if you want to. There’s a little bit about our gardening time, some Tilda news, a little about Granny and Amy, what brought some unrest into the house was an episode hubby had to deal with. I can only tell the very general idea of it, hubby would go crazy otherwise. Towards the bottom I have a surprise from hubby for me.

Into the garden

May has been a very good time for us here, really busy, but pretty fine. First of all we have moderately good weather, which means gardening time for Tilda and me. So, we spent a lot of time there. Silly as it sounds to some, I do enjoy digging in the dirt, all the spring smells that are back there after a dreary autumn and wintertime, and I enjoy looking at all the flowers. My favourite to look at was one of our apple trees, because I cut it to size early this year and it was blossoming wonderfully in bright white. I forgot to take pictures of it until it was too late, but meanwhile some other nice coloured flowers open up.

Tilda

More important than anything is what Tilda is doing. She is blossoming too, growing and thriving. Her first tooth is there, which is visible proof of her growing and becoming more of a character. If her pleasure in eating one of my wooden spoons is an indicator, she’ll fall for ttwd later on. She chewed on one of the wooden spoons so much over the last weeks, and still loves this. In addition she uses it to bang at doors and walls or anything else that might make interesting sounds.

She has some real words for mommy and daddy now and she’s crawling all over the place as well. Speaking with her has never been more fun, because she kind of obviously answers. I love to watch her, especially as we have used some basic signals for months and she does show ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘hungry’ and ‘tired’. Hungry is a quick tummy rub and tired is stretching the arms to the sides. :) We are playing a lot of peek-a-boo and a version of pat-a-cake and a few other small games such as This is the thumb. We play that in German and in English, because the speaking melody and which of her fingers I wiggle are exactly the same. Tilda enjoys it both ways and doesn't bother about language, she’s more into the physical sensation of it. :)

Granny

Thank God Granny is on the mend. She is still getting chemo, but for now she can stay at home, go to the docs every week for treatment and then she returns home. So, even with the less brilliant days she still has, she is simply so much more back to being her old self and we use our chances to see her. Being with her is wonderful, spending time with her is such a gift for me and I love watching her play with Tilda. Hehe and Granny and Tilda love playing with each other too, so the mornings are awesome for all of us. I have written about Granny before and I think that I have mentioned that she is very warmhearted and loves children. And now that she is better again, she has glinting eyes again, which is so amazing and beautiful. You can see much more of her liveliness than you could for quite a while. I am simply grateful for that and hope that it goes on like this. I mean, this year would be most awesome if only all will be good with her.

Leg up, or I’ll tie you down, Amy

Well, as I said, somehow this is a busy time. My best friend Amy has had bad luck and sprained her ankle. This has been more than a week ago by now, so she is much better. But for the first three days she could not really walk at all. Somehow this was good for her, because usually she is pretty busy and suddenly she got a break which I think she needed. So, I thwarted all of her attempts to be helpful and stand up, hence the title. Saying something like ‘I’ll tie you down’ to Amy is funny for me, because she is not into bondage, but I think I made it sound convincing, at least she stayed on the sofa. :) Not sure if I could ever follow through anyway, because she is one of the two most important authority figures for me. … But playing with that was funny. :)

In addition, her break was good for Tilda and me, because we could help Amy a little while she recovered. She had her leg on a pile of cushions for most of the day, I put Tilda onto her belly so that they could enjoy each other and worked a little in the kitchen and did some of the housework. Oh, housework is fun, and I love doing that for Amy, because in the past it was more the other way round, she helped me, so I simply enjoy having a chance to do something for her. Actually the best about the whole situation was to see Amy and Tilda play together. Unbelievable cuteness!!  And we had plenty of time to talk, which was most awesome. I mean, we do talk every day, but most of the week we phone each other, so these few days were wonderful because we could spend a real lot of quality time together.

Manners

Hubby is being busy again these days. He has had some troubles with a client from very far away, nothing to worry about (I hope), but very annoying. Well, then again, this guy pestered him and even tried to reach hubby at home; nobody knows how he got our address in the first place (it was not me!). If anything, pestering us at home is the best way to make someone extremely angry here. And hubby was not in the house when this guy knocked either. But I am better than ever and did not open the door, which shouldn't be a surprise with a rather massive looking man standing in front of it. Last year, when I had this incident with the two women who tried to getinto the house, I had wished for a dog. We wanted to wait, to find out how I’d cope once our little one was there. The matter is still not decided, but someone knocking on our door who should not even know where we live is scary. Mimi, my little dog, where are you?!

Anyways, being intrusive is obviously a bad idea, because any business that might have happened was stopped immediately. Hubby said sometimes he wished he could spank this sort of people who are all money and no manners. :)

I'm getting old now :)

… And it turns out that I need glasses, only for reading though, so that I won’t get a headache and my eyes won’t tire that quick. Finally, after all these years I can get an intellectual touch. :) At least while reading. Ok, here is another little secret from long ago. Actually I should save this for one of the memes, but now is a good time, so why not. During my studies I bought a black glasses frame, sixties style, with plain glass. I never needed glasses before now, so they were only an accessory for me, but I simply loved them for that reason … and I am still absolutely convinced that some people treated me differently when I wore the glasses. The glasses gave me a more respectable look it seems. Too bad I lost them. :(

Awesome news

So, hubby was hiding something, and tonight I saw the flight time for next Monday ... Why would he have such a date on his desk?! Well, I asked him, and spoiled his surprise unintentionally. :(

... My in-laws will be visiting next week. Woohoo, this is awesome, as we haven’t met since their Christmas visit. I am so happy to have them here again. They can see how much their granddaughter has grown in these few months, and we'll make it a great time. I can't wait to see them, because they are so incredible. If you are in need of in-laws that are welcoming, warmhearted and love you for who you are, well here they are. :) This is so exciting, and for me much better than last time, when I almost had a heart attack from hubby's way of surprising me. Only one weekend and they'll be here! Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I have some more things to tell, but cannot do so now. 

At the moment my hope is that life will not be too busy, so that I simply manage to blog more again. 

Anyways, 

wishing you a most wonderful weekend!!  :)

Some months are like that

We are back in our daily routine, which is something I am very happy about. I don’t know why, but at the moment I am really bad at dealing with much more than that. Maybe it is the time of the year, no idea, but I feel that it is currently pretty easy to unbalance me. I can go from happy to sad in no time lately. I got so overwhelmed from watching my daughter sleep at night that I started crying out of happiness and afterwards sat down and wrote what I want to protect her from and what sort of happy things I'd wish her to experience. They are pretty impressive lists, so I should cherish this sort of emotional overload for the creativity it includes. :)

Well, and I also learned just how easy it is to upset me when I read something on Facebook. It was prejudiced, an expression of pure intolerance, and it really hurt. At other times I would have been able to shrug it off, but at the moment it seems all comes close and hits me.

The moments of intimacy and reconnection we have are wonderful and right now I feel hubby’s love so much stronger, just like I miss him so much more when he is gone. I need him a lot at the moment and I absorb all he is willing to give. Sounds strange, I know, but actually I am glad that I see what’s going on at all. In past times we have had it worse, when I did not notice these things. Maybe things have changed to the better because whatever I do, I am on Tilda’s schedule in the first place. I love this, as it automatically structures a lot of our time, which is good for me.

Then there was last Monday. My lovely mommy car broke down … ha, but the good news is it wasn’t me. Tilda and I were somewhere not far away from nowhere and this was one of the moments when I appreciated our mobile phone rule so much more. Hubby gets mad when I leave the house without it and I am so glad that he insisted on always taking it with me. At first I was really down, because it was something car-related again and it had happened to me – again. So I called hubby in his office and was relieved that he only wanted to hear that we were ok (‘Forget the car for a moment, what about  y o u!?’). It did take a while but then we were brought home safely. And it turned out that there was something wrong with the motor, so it was nothing I had dabbled with.

 

After the trouble around me messing up hubby’s business was over I think we had a really close connection. Apart from ongoing sleeping troubles there was nothing that could somehow disturb peace and harmony. And still, somehow I found myself in a strange place at times, focusing on nothing in some moments, daydreaming or being absent-minded, then overthinking, overanalyzing. Whatever it is, for me it was something that leads to distancing, and it can grow if you let it.

Hubby did not notice that I had been somehow a little away, and I guess it was pretty ghost-like, which makes it really difficult for me to even describe it. Well, and usually I notice these things too late. 

This time it went a little different though. At the beginning of this week I had asked hubby for a spanking that would be well below punishment, more like maintenance or stress relief. I thought this could help me with the sleeping issues, because if anything, I am relaxed and at peace after these. So, it happened, and we had a wonderful time and sleeping was no problem at all that night. It took me another two days to see just how much hubby spanking me had helped. It was after hubby told me that I was so much more myself again that I realized that he was right and that all this what could lead to distancing, was gone again. It was not why I got spanked, but it had definitely helped me.

So, as the weather is getting better, we are finally spending a lot of time outside again which is wonderful. We got two new plum trees which I dug in a few weeks ago and I loved every moment of doing that. The lawnmower is my favourite machine in the garden… and I am allowed to use it again, too! Doing these things in the garden is so much fun, and at the moment it is all I want because I know I can handle that. Sorry for the melancholic sound in the first part, but all in all I can say we are in a very good place!

I hope you are all having the most awesome weekend ever!

A bad letter post

This is a whining post.

Maybe you know this situation, all is well for ages between your loved one and you, kind of close to perfection...

… and then the real blunder hits you hard.

… maybe more like this

This is what the last week was like for me. It turned out that I have really messed up on Thursday. Up to then, all was fine, better than fine. We had a wonderful Easter weekend, family, friends, lots of little ones, it was fantastic, such a fun time! Hubby and I had some real ‘us’ time too. He told me how much he loves me, enjoys me, there was more, and hearing that from him is important for me. And even though he was pretty busy, it was not like we were growing apart, instead we were so close and well connected that this was definitely one of those weeks you will always think back to and smile.

I thought I was really well organized all in all too, throughout the week and was really proud of that. I think we have adapted rather well to being parents, and things were so good, spanking is back where we want it too, so, a few little things can happen, I’d get discipline and we’d be happy again.

Well, that was until Thursday, when hubby got a letter.

Weeks ago I was meant to bring some letters to the post office, all business related. No problem. Hubby asked twice whether I had brought the letters there. Yes sure I had. … All but one. I found the missing one last night, only after searching frantically for it, because on Thursday one of hubby’s clients had informed him that he had decided for someone else after hubby had not written back … !

An April day turned into a nightmare. I feel horrible for what has happened.

This is worse than those silly pictures with the “You had one job” – comment written on it. And it is not funny at all this time, because it cost money, and by far the worst is that it damages hubby’s reputation. He was so disappointed and angry when he found out that he would not even touch me, and definitely not punish me (seriously, I wished he would have). If I had done something of the usual kind which I used to be infamous for, like speeding, or even bumping into a fence or the stupid lamp post, he would have shrugged it off. I’d have paid dearly with a very sore bottom and been good for a very long time afterwards and he’d forgive and I’d feel loved. But this one is so much worse. He loves what he does, he works hard, has seen so much success and then I come and trample on some of it. I cannot even express how bad I feel about this and how sorry I am. And I still have no idea how I have been able to put this letter between other papers. Hubby is willing to tolerate a lot and even more so because I do not do any of this intentionally! He knows that and has been proud of me in the past too, because clumsy and stupid or not, all in all we have reached such a good place for us.

Later, on Thursday night we could talk, like really talk. I mean he is not the one to be loud, but he really needed time to get through this on his own before allowing me near him again. You know what is so much worse than a severe punishment? No punishment. I had asked through his office door if he would do that, but he just told me to give him alone time. He was so disappointed. Maybe this is not a real surprise, but I was a mess, sad and upset after being completely shut out by hubby and becoming desperate by the minute. This was one of the worst days of my life. I stuck to my baby, but once she was asleep, there was nothing but trying to keep myself busy, somehow. We had dinner, he would not ignore me, but he still did not really want to talk either and disappeared into his office again. Hubby vexed, I devastated and knowing there was nobody to blame but me.

So I phoned my Amy and she would have come immediately, but just having her to speak to was wonderful. She knows everything about us and she always gets all information first hand, but problems between lovers are to be solved between lovers, so she knew this was no fun call if I called her right in the middle of the crisis. Of course she was worried because I was so desperate, but we ended up by discussing why I did not want her here tonight and why I should give hubby time. This was actually much better than me only whining. Besides, the last I wanted was to really complicate matters in any way after I had already caused damage. I am blessed because I have two who would go to any length to help. Bad was that one of the two was totally miffed and had every right to be. 

The evening went on, endlessly, I kept myself busy on the computer, always with one ear listening for hubby. Listening for a verdict. When hubby finally came out of his office I almost threw the laptop onto the floor, because I had imagined all sorts of things that could happen, all silly, all only good enough to make me a wreck, and I jumped up when I heard the door. 

I stood in the living room, waiting, he came over, took my hand and led me into the bedroom without as much as a word. I hoped for a punishment then, just to get rid of some of the guilt, but no. You know that this is serious when your husband looks like it. I was crying ever since he had taken my hand, before he had even said a word, I was way beyond thinking. Hubby took me and held me until I calmed down. And he said ‘Sorry’?! I did not understand this and was more than afraid of what would follow. I got really panicky then, but he wouldn’t let me go, I was clamped tightly in his arms. He said sorry because he had made my day so awful by shutting me out. Ok, dam’s broken, let it flow. I don’t know how long until I was able to think again, I apologized several times, because I had done something that bad to him. I did not want to cause such a trouble and I love him endlessly, so disappointing him is so horrible in itself. I am crying just from thinking back to seeing him this disappointed, it hurts so much because I have hurt hubby out of all people. 

It was long after midnight, so he would not punish me this night. A severe punishment would happen, because this was serious for him too, but after keeping me away from him throughout the day he also knew that I had been sort of badly punished. He had heard me sob and knew that I was shattered, and he knew that I had called Amy, which he was glad about, because he was not able to talk then. We talked for some time, then tried to sleep, and after I heard hubby sleeping, I got up again, because I was still too shaken. Basically I had been absolved and all my silly thoughts were just my scared self, but this was too horrible to sleep, so I stayed up most of the night. I had sleeping troubles throughout the week, so one night less did not make much of a difference and I had had it far worse last year.

Friday evening was the night of the nights. The day had been easy. We did not go to our baby class, because my eyes were too puffy from crying and there was no way short of magic to cover that up. Instead Tilda and I played and read and played. Hubby came at lunch time and from his side all was sort of settled. He showed his love, cared, did even make it clear that his reaction was too harsh, which I kind of agree and disagree with at the same time. I have caused this and his business is important to him and I see that I have hurt him.

The punishment did happen, it was as severe as told and nevertheless, it was the best because afterwards I had reached a sort of peace where hubby had already been after apologizing the night before. Today is Sunday. A good day, hubby is attentive, because he knows that everything around this letter has worn me down more than many other things. I know he loves me, not because of him saying it, but because of him showing it. I know he cares, he shows that too. I am so deeply in love with him that I cannot cope with situations like the one we had on Thursday. And now I am so afraid of another letter-situation happening again. 

Sorry :(