The nice and the horrid things

The horrid things

The last weeks have been somewhere between not good to most awful and terrible. My current silence here is most of all out of sadness, due to my granny being in an extremely bad condition after suffering three strokes, virtually within hours. The doctors are sort of surprised that she is still with us, ... maybe I should say they are impressed. This has been going on a bit over two weeks now, but now I feel able to write about it here.

This is a glum time, and I am so sad that there are moments when I simply don’t know what to do. However with each day that passes, this seems to be a sort of normal, at least for the moment. I don’t know whether I am getting used to the situation or whether it has simply worn me down. It is not that I feel less for granny in any way, definitely not. But there is nothing we can do. We are here, which is the place where granny was born. Tilda and I visit granny twice a day, usually Amy is with us. Granny knows Amy just as well and loves her like me, because for most years before hubby we were almost inseparable.

Accordingly, Amy suffers no less than I do, and I am so sorry that I have given her a hard time in addition to the sadness and pain she has to endure. None of it was intentionally, but she has made sure that I eat and drink when I simply could not. I really couldn’t do that the way I should with my baby growing, because seeing granny like this, after I had thought she’d recover, left me numb. I don’t know what would have happened without hubby, Tilda and Amy, but they were there and had love for me in a moment when I couldn’t feel anything at all, well, I felt like tearing, but that didn’t happen.

One of my dreams of good life was that granny would see our children grow up. I don’t know. This is so hard to say, but this dream won’t come true, however at the same time I scream at myself it will happen. She has been so happy to hold Tilda, just like she was all excited when I told her about baby. She might have thought that I had not seen her worries over the years, as she always tried to play that down a little bit, but I have, and I have a bad conscience from that. However she never gave up hope when things went terribly wrong, and I guess she would have deserved someone who’d be less trouble. I know she has been so relieved that things turned out so well for us. And she is someone who always finds a kind word, gives you a kiss and hug, takes you with her and listens, no matter what. She’s so adorable, she deserves so much better, but not this! Quick change of topic.

The nice things

So, obviously this is not an all-out positive post, I apologize for that, however, even when I am having a hard time appreciating all the good around me, I know it is there. It is just waiting for me to see all of it again.

On Tuesday things changed to the better side of things. While visiting granny, one of my uncles came in who I have not seen for about twenty years. He took us on a day trip which was awesome. I found out how wonderful he is, and he told me some stories about granny too. I loved that day because he is such a charming and warmhearted man, he made it so easy to talk, and somehow it was as if he had never really been away, because he knew all the details about our family, and his way of talking was just like I remembered. I am not going to let him go again for another twenty years.

 

He made a difference, and I found more of my appetite again, which is so important at the moment. Apart from sleepless nights and the troubles I had with eating, I think baby is having a good time; after all, Amy made sure I did eat and drink. It was the loving kind of blackmail a lá ‘no lunch no visit at grandma’s ’, and of course I want baby safe, so I tried and it worked. I am glad and grateful that she was there in these moments.

A small positive change was when granny looked so much better yesterday, more alive. Seeing her like that created hope in me. It is just to see her a little better that made the whole day a good one.

The title spoke about the nice things, so I wanted to end this with the nice things in our life, also because granny wants us to appreciate these. Tilda is walking, but when she wants to be fast she often goes back to all fours. Not long and she'll be running! She is talking a lot, though most things are not easy to understand yet. But we can discuss her toys and all sorts of things by now. In a way. :) Let's see, she looks like hubby, and she seems to have his stubbornness. But she talks a lot more than hubby does, even though he is not short of words either. :)

And somehow baby grows, and I am already in week 21! All in all, I am feeling good about my bump, there are no major problems, and if the circumstances were a little different, this would be a post about how awesome things are, I guess. Ok, that was weird, but if you read till here, you are used to that from my side. :) 

Imagine that, week 21! There was like no time to write much about baby, just like baby and I did not have much quiet time to appreciate how good things are around and inside my bump. So, this is about the nice things, just like Jan’s grandbaby news have been such a wonderful light in a gloomy time! 

 Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

The kitchen incident 1

A whiff of fresh air touches my back and makes me turn around. I had such a wonderful dream about veggie salad and Nutella. Does anybody know if snails have got a deeper meaning in dreams?  … Don’t ask; my excuse is it was a dream. However pickled cucumber with Nutella have been extremely awesome earlier today! :)

Our bedroom is dark, with the window wide open and the cool air of a fresh breeze wakes me up more than I like. There is almost no sound up here, well, from the garden I hear a huffing and puffing hedgehog, but in the house all is quiet. Good, Tilda is fast asleep; we’ve been through some bad teething nights, so, when she is quiet, things are good. I frown. Where is hubby? His sheets are sprawled all over his side of the bed. Empty. I stop breathing, listen again and hear faint sounds from downstairs. Sitting up in bed, I try to see a little more in the darkness.

What is he doing downstairs at the dead of night? 3.30 am, so this is not normal, not even in our house. Besides, usually it is I who would be up and get something to eat or drink. I am getting cold, which is no surprise, because the bed is always colder when he is not there. Or maybe it is that I am in the nude and no longer snuggled into my warm sheets. For a short moment my thoughts about him keeping me warm in different ways let me feel the pleasant butterflies in my stomach before I return to the present. It is not warm tonight. My feet are unpleasantly cold, and I hurry to put on my infamous fluffy moose house shoes, snuggle into my dressing gown and feel it over my belly, which makes me smile again. I am so proud to have that little bump and love it dearly.

Quietly I open the door, listen downstairs. There is a wonderful sweet smell all over the house. Ah ok, that’s the fridge door. That’s the cutlery drawer. Cupboard. Ok, sounds like an after midnight snack. Great idea, I'll see what I can lay my hands on. I'd love to surprise him, because we have been busy lately, so our reconnections have been short and not too many. Accordingly, an intimate moment with hubby would be a treat. Oh yes, and of course I'll demand my fair share of the spoils, whatever the fridge has to offer. As I tiptoe down the stairs I see soft light fall into the corridor. I open the door a little wider and see hubby doing something at the kitchen counter. Compared to the cool bedroom it is blazing hot in the kitchen, and I think the warmth makes me tired, so I yawn, audibly.

Hubby turns his head to me. Uh oh, it seems I have interrupted him. He looks a little disappointed. Darn. Not a good start for an early morning snack.

“What are you doing down here!? Have I been too noisy? Sorry, sweetie.” I shake my head. Oh snap, clever reply, girlie. Finally I manage to clear my throat and speak.

“No, all was ok, but I missed you in bed.” I step closer and try to see what he is hiding on the kitchen counter. “What have you been doing here? Have you seen what time it is?”

He nods and grins. “It’s a surprise, and it is a secret till then. Come, sit down.” Hubby leads me to my kitchen chair, takes my hands, puts them on the table. “Don’t move, close your eyes, keep ‘m shut, hear me?!” I know better than to create trouble before daylight. 

“Yes, Sir” He kisses my cheek and seems to chuckle. “Good girl.” Hmmm I love that. More, please. 

He leaves and it becomes almost quiet again. For me it is practically dark in our brightly lit kitchen. Suddenly I wish I had come down naked, because it is so awfully hot in here and that makes me sleepy. So, tired as I am, depraved of sight and touch, all left to do is smell.

It smells sweet, like biscuits. Yummy. I visualize the sweetest oatmeal  biscuits and this is more than enough to make me drool. I must have been in biscuit dreamland, because hubby has returned without me noticing and touches my hair from behind.

“This will make it easier for you”, he says as he puts a sleep mask on me. 

“What is this for? Why? What are you doing? Give me some idea, pleeeaase.” I can hear him rummaging somewhere to my left. He chuckles again. “Thank you that you think I am so funny. Sir.” Ooops, that came out harshly. But I am getting hungry from all the sweet odours and secrecy.

“You better behave, or I will not tell you anything and send you upstairs.” I sigh audibly, facing left, where I think hubby might be. “Sorry, I didn’t want to be rude. But this makes me seriously hungry. I feel starved! That’s not funny.” No joke, instead of my Uber-sexdrive from last year, I need food.

I almost jump when he whispers from the right side “Sweetie, just a little longer, you’ll love it. Promise.” He kisses my cheek again, whereas my attempt to kiss him fails and I kiss the air. I hear his chuckles again. I try begging. “Can I get a hint, Sir, just something to keep me busy, pleeaase?”

He breathes sharply in. Ooopsy, the queen is not amused? “Ok, one tip. It is colourful.”

Oh that could mean a lot. Colourful food?! Everything in our house is about colour. No idea what food is colourful. “Can I ask, and you answer yes or no?” Chuckles. “You don’t give up, do you? I’ll answer what I want to, to keep you nosey girl busy.”

“Thank you, Sir. Are they cookies?” I grin. Haha, I must have won.

“No, sweetie. My turn. I think the rules of this game are not clear to you yet.” Suddenly a sharp, disgusting odor invades my nose. “Eeew, what’s that?!”

“Sweetie, it takes two to tango. Every time you get a ‘no’, I’ll let you smell something, or even put something into your mouth. This was onion.” I am really bewildered, kind of. “Do you still want to play?”  I can virtually hear his smirk, because he knows perfectly well that smells can currently drive me crazy and make me jump to the bathroom. He must think I'd chicken out. 

"Ok, let's play..."

I'll try to finish writing down the rest of what happened soon. :)

There are no other news up to now, so we'll wait and see.

Wishing you all a wonderful and most peaceful weekend, 

unless you want a 

most exciting fun weekend, then I hope you get that!