Some months are like that

We are back in our daily routine, which is something I am very happy about. I don’t know why, but at the moment I am really bad at dealing with much more than that. Maybe it is the time of the year, no idea, but I feel that it is currently pretty easy to unbalance me. I can go from happy to sad in no time lately. I got so overwhelmed from watching my daughter sleep at night that I started crying out of happiness and afterwards sat down and wrote what I want to protect her from and what sort of happy things I'd wish her to experience. They are pretty impressive lists, so I should cherish this sort of emotional overload for the creativity it includes. :)

Well, and I also learned just how easy it is to upset me when I read something on Facebook. It was prejudiced, an expression of pure intolerance, and it really hurt. At other times I would have been able to shrug it off, but at the moment it seems all comes close and hits me.

The moments of intimacy and reconnection we have are wonderful and right now I feel hubby’s love so much stronger, just like I miss him so much more when he is gone. I need him a lot at the moment and I absorb all he is willing to give. Sounds strange, I know, but actually I am glad that I see what’s going on at all. In past times we have had it worse, when I did not notice these things. Maybe things have changed to the better because whatever I do, I am on Tilda’s schedule in the first place. I love this, as it automatically structures a lot of our time, which is good for me.

Then there was last Monday. My lovely mommy car broke down … ha, but the good news is it wasn’t me. Tilda and I were somewhere not far away from nowhere and this was one of the moments when I appreciated our mobile phone rule so much more. Hubby gets mad when I leave the house without it and I am so glad that he insisted on always taking it with me. At first I was really down, because it was something car-related again and it had happened to me – again. So I called hubby in his office and was relieved that he only wanted to hear that we were ok (‘Forget the car for a moment, what about  y o u!?’). It did take a while but then we were brought home safely. And it turned out that there was something wrong with the motor, so it was nothing I had dabbled with.

 

After the trouble around me messing up hubby’s business was over I think we had a really close connection. Apart from ongoing sleeping troubles there was nothing that could somehow disturb peace and harmony. And still, somehow I found myself in a strange place at times, focusing on nothing in some moments, daydreaming or being absent-minded, then overthinking, overanalyzing. Whatever it is, for me it was something that leads to distancing, and it can grow if you let it.

Hubby did not notice that I had been somehow a little away, and I guess it was pretty ghost-like, which makes it really difficult for me to even describe it. Well, and usually I notice these things too late. 

This time it went a little different though. At the beginning of this week I had asked hubby for a spanking that would be well below punishment, more like maintenance or stress relief. I thought this could help me with the sleeping issues, because if anything, I am relaxed and at peace after these. So, it happened, and we had a wonderful time and sleeping was no problem at all that night. It took me another two days to see just how much hubby spanking me had helped. It was after hubby told me that I was so much more myself again that I realized that he was right and that all this what could lead to distancing, was gone again. It was not why I got spanked, but it had definitely helped me.

So, as the weather is getting better, we are finally spending a lot of time outside again which is wonderful. We got two new plum trees which I dug in a few weeks ago and I loved every moment of doing that. The lawnmower is my favourite machine in the garden… and I am allowed to use it again, too! Doing these things in the garden is so much fun, and at the moment it is all I want because I know I can handle that. Sorry for the melancholic sound in the first part, but all in all I can say we are in a very good place!

I hope you are all having the most awesome weekend ever!

A bad letter post

This is a whining post.

Maybe you know this situation, all is well for ages between your loved one and you, kind of close to perfection...

… and then the real blunder hits you hard.

… maybe more like this

This is what the last week was like for me. It turned out that I have really messed up on Thursday. Up to then, all was fine, better than fine. We had a wonderful Easter weekend, family, friends, lots of little ones, it was fantastic, such a fun time! Hubby and I had some real ‘us’ time too. He told me how much he loves me, enjoys me, there was more, and hearing that from him is important for me. And even though he was pretty busy, it was not like we were growing apart, instead we were so close and well connected that this was definitely one of those weeks you will always think back to and smile.

I thought I was really well organized all in all too, throughout the week and was really proud of that. I think we have adapted rather well to being parents, and things were so good, spanking is back where we want it too, so, a few little things can happen, I’d get discipline and we’d be happy again.

Well, that was until Thursday, when hubby got a letter.

Weeks ago I was meant to bring some letters to the post office, all business related. No problem. Hubby asked twice whether I had brought the letters there. Yes sure I had. … All but one. I found the missing one last night, only after searching frantically for it, because on Thursday one of hubby’s clients had informed him that he had decided for someone else after hubby had not written back … !

An April day turned into a nightmare. I feel horrible for what has happened.

This is worse than those silly pictures with the “You had one job” – comment written on it. And it is not funny at all this time, because it cost money, and by far the worst is that it damages hubby’s reputation. He was so disappointed and angry when he found out that he would not even touch me, and definitely not punish me (seriously, I wished he would have). If I had done something of the usual kind which I used to be infamous for, like speeding, or even bumping into a fence or the stupid lamp post, he would have shrugged it off. I’d have paid dearly with a very sore bottom and been good for a very long time afterwards and he’d forgive and I’d feel loved. But this one is so much worse. He loves what he does, he works hard, has seen so much success and then I come and trample on some of it. I cannot even express how bad I feel about this and how sorry I am. And I still have no idea how I have been able to put this letter between other papers. Hubby is willing to tolerate a lot and even more so because I do not do any of this intentionally! He knows that and has been proud of me in the past too, because clumsy and stupid or not, all in all we have reached such a good place for us.

Later, on Thursday night we could talk, like really talk. I mean he is not the one to be loud, but he really needed time to get through this on his own before allowing me near him again. You know what is so much worse than a severe punishment? No punishment. I had asked through his office door if he would do that, but he just told me to give him alone time. He was so disappointed. Maybe this is not a real surprise, but I was a mess, sad and upset after being completely shut out by hubby and becoming desperate by the minute. This was one of the worst days of my life. I stuck to my baby, but once she was asleep, there was nothing but trying to keep myself busy, somehow. We had dinner, he would not ignore me, but he still did not really want to talk either and disappeared into his office again. Hubby vexed, I devastated and knowing there was nobody to blame but me.

So I phoned my Amy and she would have come immediately, but just having her to speak to was wonderful. She knows everything about us and she always gets all information first hand, but problems between lovers are to be solved between lovers, so she knew this was no fun call if I called her right in the middle of the crisis. Of course she was worried because I was so desperate, but we ended up by discussing why I did not want her here tonight and why I should give hubby time. This was actually much better than me only whining. Besides, the last I wanted was to really complicate matters in any way after I had already caused damage. I am blessed because I have two who would go to any length to help. Bad was that one of the two was totally miffed and had every right to be. 

The evening went on, endlessly, I kept myself busy on the computer, always with one ear listening for hubby. Listening for a verdict. When hubby finally came out of his office I almost threw the laptop onto the floor, because I had imagined all sorts of things that could happen, all silly, all only good enough to make me a wreck, and I jumped up when I heard the door. 

I stood in the living room, waiting, he came over, took my hand and led me into the bedroom without as much as a word. I hoped for a punishment then, just to get rid of some of the guilt, but no. You know that this is serious when your husband looks like it. I was crying ever since he had taken my hand, before he had even said a word, I was way beyond thinking. Hubby took me and held me until I calmed down. And he said ‘Sorry’?! I did not understand this and was more than afraid of what would follow. I got really panicky then, but he wouldn’t let me go, I was clamped tightly in his arms. He said sorry because he had made my day so awful by shutting me out. Ok, dam’s broken, let it flow. I don’t know how long until I was able to think again, I apologized several times, because I had done something that bad to him. I did not want to cause such a trouble and I love him endlessly, so disappointing him is so horrible in itself. I am crying just from thinking back to seeing him this disappointed, it hurts so much because I have hurt hubby out of all people. 

It was long after midnight, so he would not punish me this night. A severe punishment would happen, because this was serious for him too, but after keeping me away from him throughout the day he also knew that I had been sort of badly punished. He had heard me sob and knew that I was shattered, and he knew that I had called Amy, which he was glad about, because he was not able to talk then. We talked for some time, then tried to sleep, and after I heard hubby sleeping, I got up again, because I was still too shaken. Basically I had been absolved and all my silly thoughts were just my scared self, but this was too horrible to sleep, so I stayed up most of the night. I had sleeping troubles throughout the week, so one night less did not make much of a difference and I had had it far worse last year.

Friday evening was the night of the nights. The day had been easy. We did not go to our baby class, because my eyes were too puffy from crying and there was no way short of magic to cover that up. Instead Tilda and I played and read and played. Hubby came at lunch time and from his side all was sort of settled. He showed his love, cared, did even make it clear that his reaction was too harsh, which I kind of agree and disagree with at the same time. I have caused this and his business is important to him and I see that I have hurt him.

The punishment did happen, it was as severe as told and nevertheless, it was the best because afterwards I had reached a sort of peace where hubby had already been after apologizing the night before. Today is Sunday. A good day, hubby is attentive, because he knows that everything around this letter has worn me down more than many other things. I know he loves me, not because of him saying it, but because of him showing it. I know he cares, he shows that too. I am so deeply in love with him that I cannot cope with situations like the one we had on Thursday. And now I am so afraid of another letter-situation happening again. 

Sorry :(

Happy Easter

I hope your Easter weekend will be wonderful!

With …

...Lots of snogging

… And with lots of Easter hugs :)

….And hope you see Mr and Mrs Bunny

... And find lots of eggs

Wishing everybody an awesome Happy Easter with all the chocolate and spanking you might want!

Real Neat Blog Award

DelFonte has nominated me for the ...

Thank you for nominating me, DF!

 The rules for the Real Neat Blog Award are ...

1)  Put the award logo in your post 
2)  Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you 
3)  Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs
4)  Let them know you nominated them


DF asked :


1) If there was space left in your wardrobe, where would you love to go shopping?
Hm, I love the 40s and more so the 50s, Pinup-style and Rockabilly style dresses. But my only real petticoat dress is long gone by now. So, I'd like to have some of that, and would go to Berlin to have one or two dresses custom made there, because I know a dressmaker there and she is awesome in sewing these styles. One online alternative are for example Lindybop dresses which I could order, but I am still not in shape for that and wait what other surprises this year might bring. ... Biscuits, anybody?


2) Which side of the road do you drive on and have you ever driven on the "wrong" side (ie gone abroad and driven). If you haven't, would you cope?
Ooohhhh, scary moments come to mind! On the continent I am supposed to drive on the right. It has happened pretty often that I drove on the left side on the continent after visits to England (I have to re-adapt!!!). And in England it has happened too, I started on the right side, but there I was stopped by hubby and I am no longer allowed to be the driver there. Ever. Too dangerous he says! 
Instead, as a pedestrian I have repeatedly almost been run over right after arriving in England and later after being back in Hamburg, and that was always because I was so used to looking at the wrong side when I wanted to cross the road. So, right at the beginning and right after a visit at my in-law's, it is actually really dangerous for me to cross any street, or to use the car.


3) If ability was no hindrance, which language in the world (past or present) would you like to learn and why?
It would be one of the Scandinavian languages (probably Norwegian or Swedish), because I love the area and if I were better at one of them, I could understand much more of the others. But I wouldn't mind to brush up my French either, because I love the sound of it so much.


4) If you could go to any art gallery or museum in the world, which paintings would you pick to put up in your house? No more than three, don't be greedy!

 Monet's Garden at Vetheuil (not in a museum, part of a private collection, so doesn't count)

William Turner, Rain Steam and Speed, The Great Western Railway, National Gallery, London

Edgar Degas, La Toilette, Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg

Johannes Vermeer, Girl with a Pearl Earring, Mauritshuis, The Hague

The list of awesome paintings could go on forever!

5) If you were told to go door to door to sell kink/TTWD to a vanilla stranger, what would be the one thing you think is the most important to convey. 
That everything about kink and TTWD is about communication and consent. And from that the rest will follow. The way we communicate goes so far beyond anything I have known before hubby, and it is an important part of what keeps us so close together.
 

6) Sex in a shower, hot tub or outdoor pool - any preferences?
Shower! I mean, if the pool was an ocean with a sandy beach, summertime, I'd choose that, because doing things there is awesome, but otherwise the shower for sure. Some of the hottest moments we had were there.


7) What is the most romantic thing your partner has ever done for you?
This is only difficult because there are several things to choose from (sunset moments, date times, holding hands, ...). Maybe this sounds really silly, but when he does things for me, when I can see clearly that this is just for me, it is all it takes. So, actually last year during pregnancy was the most romantic time of my life, because I had so needy times which he anticipated and he really did things for me so that I also felt his care in physical ways, it is more than just being attentive. Haha, the endless sex that I needed in 2014 is an example. 
But there is one moment that sticks out, it was that a few moments after Tilda was born he said that he was proud of me and that he loved me. He was so serious about it and this was so heartwarming that it makes me cry every time I think about it. Like now. :)


 


My questions are :

1. What non-physical attribute do you enjoy most in a partner?

2. How do you feel when others start flirting with your partner?

3. What's your special talent?

4. What makes you feel most alive?

5.  Is there anything about yourself you would change?

6.  What is your biggest fantasy?

7. Kink - o - metre question: on a scale of 1 (vanilla) to 10 (kinkiest kinkster ever) where do you see yourself?  




I nominate :

Jennelle

Cali Mom

sub hub in Phoenix

and you, I think all on my list have been nominated and if I did not see that you were not, it is my mistake and you should feel nominated by me. I  did not mean to forget you!