Two misconceptions about DD and D/s

 The reason why I write this little entry is, because I have thought about how negative some people speak about BDSM. Some don't get it. Since I have been one who did not understand it, more than a decade ago (oh, now I really feel old), but has learned a lot by now, I want to tell what DD and D/s feels like for me. It feels better than good :) 

 

political correctness and consensus in D/s

Before I learned more about DD and D/s, this unfinished thinking, that a woman who submits to a man is acting against her gender and acting against political correctness, was mine too, long ago. If the things we do are consensual, nobody has the right to speak against that. If you love sexual submission, it is probably easier to see, but I think that this is true in every situation where one submits to the other according to the arrangement between two partners in a relationship. 

Sexual submission feels great for me. It is what makes me very happy in different ways. It is probably more consensual than some of the sex that some vanilla couples do (if that was not a little teaser...) and all I do when I submit, is to live my sexuality according to my choice and ideas. The decision to submit was mine, I was not coerced and I don't live in any criminal form of slavery. What I have here is the loving and caring kind of slavery that has been talked about first and then entered with the best of intentions, voluntarily and with the knowledge, that there are responsibilities that come with it - for both partners. So, the decisions about it were all mine, as far as I was concerned. This sounds politically incorrect, but it is not, because it is just the way of life, I decided for --> chosen by me. 

Them over there

And, in contrast to some others, neither Master nor I, would force our way of life onto anybody. Master would not let me run through the shopping mall naked, just because he could. Well, if it were his and empty, he surely would, but it is not his and usually it is crowded. So, if Master and I did anything which was not considered acceptable and decent behaviour by the majority of people, we would impose our way of life on others. But they have not given us any form of consent that they would like to be participants in anything we do. It would not be consensual if they were involved unasked. Therefore, we'd never do such a thing. I sort of have the idea that some who do certain forms of D/s want to do that in public and might sometimes forget that they interfere with the lives and well-being of others then. Just a thought, and I don't have any right to criticise or to say that my kink is better than yours. 

But I am allowed to say that I would not like to see her doing oral to him right in front of a group of kids, or right in front of me. Neither the kids nor I have given consensus before and that would always feel completely wrong for me then. When it comes to minors, I think such actions would qualify as harassment, if done to anybody else it might be higly offensive. For me it would be like that.

It's all about the beat, babe

More than once I have written about some scenes, and beatings were part of that too. And  there are also lots of descriptions from other blogs that contain texts about subs who are beaten, so that one who does not read the wonderful descriptions of bliss that usually follow, might conclude that there is something abusive going on. It is definitely not abusive. If anything, it is the complete opposite. If they are punishments for breaking rules, they might hurt. But again, there has been a lot of talk going on before, consensus is there and has been there, before even one single slap has happened. Nothing has been enforced. We are talking about mutual agreement within a relationship here. Imagine, ladies, this is maybe an additional incentive for you, if you really want to do it right and give it a try, you have to talk a lot and then talk again. I mean, with your partner, the one who is going to whack your bottom. According to the rules that you agreed on. But imagine, you actually talk about your relationship, your feelings, your desires.... ! :) Sounds wonderful to me.

Master and I clearly differentiate between the good and the bad spankings. The bad ones are for infractions. They are meant to hurt, then everything about the issue is forgotten, hopefully, if you learned to be better next time. It's a good way to solve problems for us, but not for everybody, maybe. But :) there are also the good girl spankings :) Ladies, this is for you again. Spanking can be a most wonderful, sensual experience. I am not only talking about your juices that will be flowing if you are hit on the right spot. I am talking about a kind of sexuality that is connected to it, which is endlessly rich in the way it can feel for you and which will bring you and your partner close together. And the orgasms you can have as a result will be mind-blowing, too, if you want to. Maybe you observed that I am slightly in favour of this way of sexuality.

So, it is about the beating?!

Well, I should choose questions as titles that I could answer at least half. I am still dealing with the good girl spankings, and they can be absolutely fabulous. But the real beauty of it all is hidden to many.  For me, as the one who lays control completely in the hands of her owner, it is about submitting to him, to obey him. Therefore, I'd say it is not really about the spanking. But I'd miss that tremendously, because it is sexy, erotic and can add so much to feeling  submissive, which feels wonderful in itself. The dominant partner would get part of his reward from being completely in control. He is the one who literally can hold the life of his love in his hands. He can do with her whatever he wants to. This is where I want to remind you once again, to be safe and sane too, not only consensual. But if you can trust your partner, it feels better than anything else. The depth of emotional reward and the depth of intimacy that hubby and I have derived from this kind of being together goes beyond anything that we have ever experienced in vanilla-life. But that does not mean it is not possible there. It just means we have not found it in vanilla-relationships.  

Open your eyes

So, what you see is not what you get. You see a beating and you hear screams, you see someone burned with hot wax, you see torture, you see someone looking like a pin cushion, there might even be dark red spots from a little blood. You see her cry. Then you see her going all limp. Then you see her smile, probably after three to five minutes. So, is it time to call the police? An ambulance? Oh no, time to call for refreshments, after so much hard work. Time to cuddle and kiss. What you see is not what you get. It looks severe sometimes, but it feels like love and affection because it is just that. Those who experienced a scene want to spend time together afterwards, to find back to reality slowly. They have maybe just had the time of their lives. You can't always see it, but you can definitely feel it. It is mind-blowing, it shakes you to the core and will help you in finding your inner balance. I for one, am completely at peace afterwards. Actually I never reach that degree of inner peace in any other way. If you want to, laugh, but for me it is often enough transcendental. You may laugh at me now, but I am still at peace from last night. Om.

Sensuality

Somehow, I always stop at the mind-blowing idea, but I wanted to go beyond that. DD and D/s are  about sensuality, far more so than anything else I know. The way you can live your innermost, hidden fantasies, you  can let yourself fall into a complete scenario that you might have developed with your partner, they all add to it. The torture that she experiences creates so much arousal and desire, the trust that you have to have in your partner can help you to fall completely into this lovely place where you only feel and experience. It is beyond reason, it is pure emotion. Try to describe the kick that you can get from trusting someone completely, the dominant might get that from being in control. Imagine what it feels like to do something for the other, just for the pleasure of it, for the pleasure that the other one can have from it. When you have this partner you trust completely, think about how much you can feel, if you let him control all about you. You have no fear (unless it is part of the scene),  you can completely let go, no thought about faults, responsibilities. All you are is just the pure and raw emotional being.  You expose yourself completely to your partner in these times and as he can see you, you also see him, the real being that you are, without reservation. It is when you are completely naked emotionally. This is not about beating, but if it takes one to bring me there, I am the first in line, because it feels so good. 

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

What makes a/our relationship work?

Of course, there is no complete answer to that. What works for us does probably not work for others and therefore this is not meant as a recommendation for anybody. These are only a few thoughts about why it works for us.


As for us, we spend a lot of time to make it work. Although in our relationship, Master could order me around all the time, I never have this feeling that he does it because he is too lazy or just takes advantage of me. On the contrary, he orders me around and I still have the feeling that he cares. But that does not mean that it is always this way, of course, there are situations, when he tells me to do things, just because he can, and since this is often connected to reminding me of my position, it is ok for me.
He spends a lot of time with me, and lets me know that I am appreciated by him. And whenever I get the chance, I do the same for him. I love to please him and it is difficult for me to keep my hands off him, which he knows all too well. We talk, we love each other and we show affection towards each other. We closely look at each other - with this I mean we try to find out, what might be going on emotionally in the other one.
During the week, we often have trouble spending as much time as we want to with each other. Master sometimes has to do business trips and then it could happen that we don’t see each other for a few days at all. When that happens, we try to find means to be together without being disturbed by anything or anybody at the weekend. Since I am at home most of the time, I have to make sure that during the week all chores are finished so that I don’t need to spend time on that on Saturday or Sunday. Due to Master being away for a while now and then, we talk even more about our to do’s for the upcoming week, and many of my duties at home are planned in advance for the whole week, just to make sure that all is fine and there is enough time that we can spend together at the weekend.


If we have plenty of time, which happens sometimes, when Master is there for a few weeks without much work to do, we enjoy jogging or swimming together. But there are also the nice treats that we try to have, such as surprise visits to nice places, short trips and so on.


So, on the one hand we do a lot to spend much time together, but on the other hand, there are also moments where we don’t want that, e.g. when we meet friends. We have friends we see together but also some who are either more his or mine. Therefore, although he likes to have control of me and I enjoy that too, there are also times when he lets me do things which are not meant to be shared with him, at least not until I want that. It is the same the other way round. I know that some probably might find it hard to believe that I have that freedom, if I consider myself a slave, but for me it is a privilege, not a right. I mean, after all, if Master wants to, I might be grounded or be under curfew for ever. But if our relationship worked only in such a strict and harsh way, I would probably give up and let everything happen without being emotionally involved anymore. I think that this kind of being together would be too chilling for me to cope with. This is no criticism at all, because others might need exactly what I could not stand and they would be unhappy in a relationship like ours.
To sum it up, if you have followed my rambling that far, we talk, we show love, we spend time with each other and although we want to spend as much time as possible together, we also want times with other people now and then. Talking about temperatures, I think our relationship is one full of warmth, even when Master is strict sometimes or punishes me, the reasons behind that are good ones.

Wife and Hubby in a car - basic behaviour

 As I sit here on Saturday morning to think about what happened during the week, I eat apple slices, because they are better for me than chocolate (see below, my chocolate and hormones rambling explains that) and I smile, finally. I am still not feeling too well, but all is better than it was earlier this week. And I have several good reasons to smile (but still no climax).

1st Master gave me a sort of spanking, because I had asked, no begged, for it. He was gentle and though I was on his lap and could not see him, while I presented my bottom, he talked with me and made sure that the spanking was only for me to make me feel better. Thank you Sir, it really worked.

2nd I can still sit well, which feels good. If you have never had the experience to enjoy sitting,  try different uncomfortable ways and then do it the most comfy way possible. No calories at all, and it is for free!

3rd We went out last night ... by car.

The important bit here is, that it was by car, the lovely bit was that we went to a restaurant. After a turbulent week where all ups came from Master and all downs from me, this was meant to be a real treat for the both of us, and I loved every moment of it. So did Master. I add that, because I still have a bad conscience because of some behaviour issues I had during this week and he definitely deserved a nice night out, far more than I did! Anyways, off we went, nicely dressed, I even knew where we would go, which is not always the case. Sometimes he just tells me what to wear and then he takes me to some lovely place.We both love it that way, surprises are great.

Well, after a while in the car, I started commenting  'you are too...' and he only shot a single slightly annoyed glance into my direction. I stopped immediately and never said another word about how he should drive or not. This is one of the rules I'd rather follow in complete silence. No comments or nagging during the ride, or else.... . Usually I would not even have started commenting, because I know that rule well and if I don't like what I see, I can close my eyes and wait until we have reached our destination. You can imagine how difficult it is to keep your eyes closed, if you don't want to sleep, so I just remain quiet and look elsewhere.

Just to think about the situation makes me laugh, because whenever there was anything wrong concerning the car, driving, parking in a no-parking zone, being too fast or things like that, it was absolutely always me. Not him, ONLY me. He has never ever had to pay anything because he did any of these things. But Master is generous and pays for what I do. Well, he has to, because he earns the money for the both of us. I pay afterwards, at home, usually with a verrrry sore and red bottom. See 2nd, above about the advantages of good sitting ... and there is no connection to driving well and hormones. I mean, when I drive like a slob, I do it all the time, not only one week a month.

earn your reward, little one

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Why do I submit?

As you probably have found out by now, I love talking to my husband and Master, because for me it helps to create and uphold trust and  love between us. I know that there are also lots of relationships where there is no talking. Coming to think of it, probably, there are more vanilla-couples who don't talk enough than there are M/s  or /D/s couples where the partners don't communicate the way they should. Since my owner (=husband, Master, etc.) and I (<-- I am allowed to use the capital i, btw.) believe that our way of life is good for us, we both do a lot to make it work. Even though I know that basically I am always in slave-mode, there are far more hours in a day, where you don't see or even feel that this is a slavegirl and this is her Master. I am very grateful that we have it this way, because it adds so much variety and more chances for being close. Sure, it is said that there are many hardcore-lifestylers who don't have much more than their Master- and slave-mode relationship, where every movement of Master's eyebrow has a deeper meaning and the slave always feels like a slave, thinks actively like a slave 24/7, has a slave-collar, is shackled 24/7, eats slave-food, has a slave-bed, can only sit on the floor or his/her slave-chair, probably there also is a slave-door, to leave the house.

We work for being close

For us it is all different. We spend a lot of time together and many times I don't have this idea that I am Master's slave. Instead we just love being together and talk, laugh, have fun, care for each other, even sleep in the same bed and sit at the same table. Guess what, I am even allowed to sit on the sofa. Well, most of the time, that is.

Nevertheless, when the moment is there and Master wants me to do something, I just do it. This is where even in everyday-life, our relationship is different from vanillas. If he wants me to bring something, I do it. If he wants me to dress a certain way, I do it. I also follow a general dress-code, that Master gave me, because he likes me best in nice dresses and skirts, so we just fit this into our everyday-life and that's it. I do it, because I want to please my Master and as in all other matters, he has the last saying and decides. Yet, I don't have the feeling of being nothing but an object, not cherished or loved, and that's because we talk and I have learned to trust my Master completely. When I want to talk to him, I have many chances to do so, although there might be times when he just says no, not now. If he feels like it, he could make me stop talking immediately, right in the middle of a sentence. But he doesn't, because my Master cares a lot for me. He wants to know what I feel like and wants to know my thoughts. I am really happy that I have him, because he makes me feel safe, loved, cherished, cared for and more. This is why I am able to submit to him so easily.

We fulfil each other's needs quite well,  he wants to see me do things for him and wants to decide for the both of us and I for one, want that from a man. I don't say this is right for anybody else, but for us it is definitely right. And before some aggressive feminist do-gooders start attacking me for this politically completely incorrect attitude, I just want to add once more that we talk things through and I am glad to leave decisions to my Master. If you don't like that, just live your life differently and I promise, I won't interfere. Please don't be angry with me, I am more the harmony-seeking type of woman.

To talk or not to talk - that is no question

If you -as the dominant partner- have a healthy D/s relationship you probably know exactly what it feels like to let your sub be silent and don't give permission to speak. If you have never tried it, do so, I think it is extremely erotic at times to be unable to talk, just because your Master said so. It can be annoying too, at times, sure, but if you -as a sub- have your times where you could talk to your Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme, etc. (you get the idea), it should not do any harm. For me being silenced contains a wide range of emotions, most of them good ones, but also a good bit of frustration at times, for example when only one little touch in the right spot  would send you into endless bliss (<-- this is only the physical bit, imagine the same if you feel you need to communicate something you consider somehow important, but you are not allowed to). Don't get me wrong though, if necessary, I could always tell Master, no matter if I had permission to speak or not, but if it turned out as something that could have waited without doing  any harm, .... .