Problems, problems, problems - love is where you find it :)

I think hubby's life is not always easy, because he has me. :) Ok. I could leave this statement as it is and stop the entry, but there is more to it. Only a short while ago, I have written that respect is an issue here at times. And since there have been moments when I showed a certain lack of that and I know that this vexes hubby, I'll elaborate on this and some more. This is actually DD-related again, for a change and the event it refers to has been about a year ago (May? 2013). A happy time, when spankings existed for me, though my bottom was not fond of what happened then. Ah, I am reminiscing about the good old times. :)

So, I have been an exceptionally good girl all my life ... Just kidding! Throughout our time together, hubby and I have worked on issues that caused problems. I am talking about all the little things that happen to everybody, such as being thoughtless, being moody, breaking rules, trying to be right although you are not, bumping into lamp posts and such things. These little conflicts and problems happen, even though we are willing to work on a good relationship and succeed.

Well, no, it is not only the little things. This is also about the bigger problems that could occur. Those silly stunts that could happen as a result of being thoughtless, or because of PMS or whatever other reason. A major issue is for example if you left the impression that you wanted to provoke your loved partner, or if you give him the impression that he doesn't matter as much as he should. The last one really hurts, and I never did that intentionally during our marriage, but hubby has felt that way once, very very long ago, because I was thoughtless and my behaviour could be understood the wrong way; I simply gave the wrong signal, but definitely unintentionally. Well, there are more, and since I don't really believe that the issues hubby and I deal with are much different from what others go through, I sort of believe that most of you know what kinds of problems could occur. I also believe that there are some special issues that maybe you have to deal with more often than we have and, of course we have some issues that are bigger for us than for you.

But, although the focus of what I wrote up to here, has been on the problems, this does not mean that our relationship doesn't work, or has ever been jeopardised. No, far from it. We have problems to deal with, like everybody else, and we discuss and work on our problems, first of all by means of communicating. This is most important for us. The second most important way of working on our problems is very much based on DD. We have set boundaries and especially I should try not to overstep those, because usually it is me who is boundary-challenged. <--Sounds nicer than 'I break the rules'. And over time, these transgressions have become less and less. 

I guess I have learned something from hubby and the boundaries are good ones. There is nothing restricting in such things, as the restrictions that we have are only there to keep us and others safe, to create room for harmony and being together without any negative thoughts, without resentment. If a bedtime that hubby imposes on me results in me being relaxed, calm and more joyful, then the restriction is a very positive one. If our communication results in showing that he and I want to be treated nicely, then this is absolutely positive. If speeding penalties result in me getting the bottom heated and I drive slower (only) after being disciplined, then this is very positive. And it works for us! 

Don't get me wrong, though, ever since I have learned about baby growing in me, I have become really careful with the car. DD has taught me a lot before, but having baby on board makes a real difference!

I guess I feel inclined to emphasize how much good DD did for us, because from my experience, loving a partner is not always enough to make a relationship work well. There is a lot of work involved to make it a really good one, where both partners feel cherished and loved, problems that exist are solved or at least dealt with, so that they are not overwhelming. Maybe for other couples this is completely different, and I just don't find the right words, but apart from love, I think a certain kind of commitment, the willingness to give something positive into the relationship, is very important, too. 

Now, I have given examples of what problems there are, or could be, and also written that DD works. But nevertheless, sometimes things just go wrong. They did completely go wrong this good year ago. Yes, it was the time of the month again, and I had no real idea that I was pms-ing, because otherwise I felt pretty relaxed, I thought. From what I have read in other blogs, the pattern is so similar to what others experience: pms is there and you don't notice, until it is too late, because things have been said or done which could be detrimental to an unstable relationship. The moment when you realize that pms struck again often enough comes far too late. Pms is a perfidious bitch! (Sorry) I know, it is no excuse, but since I am currently more on hormones than ever before, I sort of feel inclined to say that hormones have an influence. Duh!

So, there was this slow build up that neither hubby nor I had noticed. It was about the little things, as so often. I wanted contact to hubby on the one hand, but then again, I had somehow distanced. I don't know if it makes sense, it is pretty contradictory, I know. Then there have been situations where I maybe behaved less attentive towards hubby than usual. Depending on his own situation, he is faster or slower in seeing what's going on with us, but usually he is the good one at that and often enough it is him who stops this process in time, with a little reminder via the bottom into the brain, which helps me to come to my senses again. But what happens when hubby is busy and cannot help? Then I spiral downwards into the unpleasant regions of weakened connections between him and I. 

So, basically I had three days where I extended my bedtime rule here and there, maybe did not do all the chores as good as I should have, forgot about a few things which were important, I did not show how much I love and cherish hubby and talked back for no reason. And then hubby took his time with me. He was really busy, but he skipped some appointments to settle matters at home, because I had gone besides myself. As soon as he held me accountable for my behaviour, it was like a wake-up call. He stated that my behaviour had been completely inacceptable and I could do nothing but admit that he was right. In a way it was a cold shower when you want a warm and cozy place, but then again, it worked and brought me back to the place where I really want to be. I had no excuse, though hubby told me that I was obviously pms-ing. If anybody else had said that to me, I'd probably have called him a chauvinist or something like that, but actually hubby was right and once it was said it did not take long to see where the trouble came from and that the pattern was the one it often takes with me. Maybe I am a complete moron, but I do not always  rarely  see what's going on with me and obviously I need a man to tell me about pms. 

Well, hubby had admittedly given fair warning before and I had not listened. Therefore he had a more extensive form of punishment in mind. The first punishment is nothing that hubby does. It is about the sudden awareness of what you have done. I mean, breaking a rule is something that happens now and then. But what I have dramatic problems with is when I realize that I have disappointed hubby, or even worse, when I realize that he must have felt less cherished and loved than he deserves. This is most devastating for me and the physical punishment that I receive after that is more than welcome to me, because otherwise I'd go for a long time full of self-reproach. To have done such a thing to the one you love most brings me down completely. And if I recognized that earlier, I'd stop, but I do not see any of that until it is far too late. Bummer. Even one year later this creates a whole bunch of mixed emotions in me. 

Enough singing the blues! I had undressed and got the hairbrush and arnica. But hubby had brought two other implements which did not bode well for my bottom. He had brought a round wooden spoon for the very stingy biting part. And in addition to that he had brought the dark and heavy paddle. I was close to asking him for the nasty cane instead of the paddle, but I guess that would only have come as an additional implement, not as a replacement for the paddle.  So, I went over hubby's knees and he lectured me and I got a rather extended session with the hairbrush. My bottom felt very warm and it was no fun session with it, but as I was to learn soon, this was the relaxing part of punishment. What followed was a long session with the wooden spoon. I had once put one of them into the dishwasher, to get rid of it, because they are plain wood and usually the spoon has cracks from the heat, afterwards, but to no avail, because they are really cheap and hubby had two new ones the very next day. I knew why I had wanted to get rid of it. This really sets my bum on fire. This implement stings so much that I have difficulty remaining over hubby's lap. The message behind this is: it does a great job. As does the paddle. I had been bawling from pretty early on, though the wooden spoon added a lot to bawl about. I thought that the paddle would be too much, but then again I also know that hubby looks very closely at how much I can take. So, actually the paddling was the shortest of the whole punishment, and for me, the wooden spoon felt worse than the paddle. 

Afterwards hubby put arnica on my bottom and I was still flustered, but so much more relaxed than before. I thanked hubby and I was grateful for the discipline I got. It was a big relief for me and I felt that I had deserved every single stroke of it. We hugged and cuddled right there, me naked and still sobbing and hubby said something, not to soothe me (no reason, I was fine), but because he meant it:

"You have made every mistake possible by now, ... and you are wonderful."

And he was proud of me, too! I loved that moment and I loved what he had said (still do; that's why I am bragging shamelessly with it, now). I had a really dark red bum and had a reminder for days, every time I sat or when hubby touched my bum, but I felt so good! After hubby had said that, aftercare only became an additional treat.

I don't want to provoke any punishment  and really do want to be good. But I'd definitely love a good girl spanking, I can't wait for Christmas 2014.:)

Respect is a major rule

Finally, after all sorts of things that have appeared here in my blog, I found the energy to write a little about our rules. They are just a few thoughts about them and most of it might be pretty obvious, too, but I have not written much about our rules here so far, therefore I thought that it is time to change that after what feels like tons of entries about pregnancy, feel-good ideas and some from the 'different' kind of writing. Even Sue and Martin, the two who had a first appearance in Belfast, could turn up again soon,  in a second part of the story. Well, back to topic.

As some of you know, the spanking part is currently not there for us and this is going to change only in winter, maybe Christmas ....oh, hopefully, I want that back so much! Since this part has been more important than I was aware of until recently, the question arose, how to deal with this. 

The good news is, I did not go into a mad frenzy and hubby did not go to the pub to drown his frustration. Somehow we have only changed a part of the discipline into the non-physical direction, and it works so far. It feels more arduous and leaves me sometimes slightly frustrated, but I think it works in general. Hey, and I am a good girl!

 Back to the four D's which in a way can cover all you need to look out for: Disobedience, Dangerous behaviour, Dishonesty and finally ... Disrespect. Here we are. 

I'll try to explain what kind of importance respect has for us. I don't know if there is a difference in how men and women see respect in a relationship, but I know that hubby and I have different opinions about its importance, though we agree that we want to show respect to each other. See below.

Respect

Hubby and I show a certain kind of respect to each other. And since me talking back could really hurt, this is an important rule for us. I don't mean to be bad, but I claim to be human and then these things just happen and hubby says I am very human. Thanks for that, Sir. But seriously, just having this awareness that both of us want and deserve respect, helps us. We want to show to each other our esteem, how much we cherish each other. 

It’s also about the small things. For example I am fabulous at letting my eyes roll verbally. The tone I use can show all shades of disrespect that you can imagine. Just like rolling eyes can. I am not supposed to do that and I manage to fulfil that one. … Very often! But I seriously believe that hubby deserves respect and he also treats me nicely and does a lot more, he even disciplines me when it’s necessary. I mean, he does, what it takes, because he also believes it is right. Nevertheless, I think that it is not easy in every situation to be up to the task. Hubby deserves even more respect from my side when I consider that. Well, we both believe that our partner deserves to be treated with respect. It is a sign that shows how much our partner is cherished. And I think everybody needs to feel that, not only hubby and I. 

Some ways of not respecting hubby are simply like bad habits. I have learned to roll my eyes and nobody actively stopped me doing that, before hubby-times. From nowaday's point of view, I think this was rude behaviour. I know that there are many people out there who say, who cares, it's part of your personality or whatever. No, it is not part of my personality. It's behaviour or habit and that can be retrained/modified. 
I want to please my husband and enjoy doing things for him. Therefore, I have learned not to roll my eyes as a non-verbal kind of nagging. I don't do it, because I know he doesn't like it and I don't like it much either, because it shows the opposite of what I want to show to my husband. Imagine how you feel if someone shows disrespect to you. I think this hurts a lot if done by someone you love.

This is only one example. If it is related to body language, negative signals are sometimes too quick to give them a name,  although they have happened. So, you could tell your partner non-verbally, that you don't respect him. Who could want that?!

Instead, being in a loving relationship should be about the opposite. Show your partner that you appreciate what he does. Let him feel cherished and loved. Find ways to make him feel better. That's what it should be about. And now the turn back to DD: I believe that the potential chance to discuss these things, to give them a name and to find ways of stopping what's going wrong and changing it into a better direction, is greater in a DD relationship. Once again, this is only based on my opinion. I did not start a survey and only see what hubby and I discuss, again and again if we feel like it. I compare that to my past unsuccessful vanilla relationships. There have been moments when respect was a topic. But somehow, the incentive to change anything actively was not big enough (euphemism: =there was no incentive; I was free to misbehave). 

There is one thing about respect that I have learned from hubby and he has stated it in almost identical words more than once: He would rather go without love than without respect. Now, that was, no it still is a shocker for me. He has tried to explain that more than once, but I think I am only able to grasp his idea behind it, though not really able to understand this train of thought. For me, it is more the other way round. I'd rather live loved but without being respected than without love. Maybe it is just him and me, because opposites attract? I don't know, but once this had sunk in, it was a real eye-opener for me, because it showed me that respect is so important for hubby. It is a serious issue for him, and first of all I am very grateful that he could give it a name. I think not all husbands have this awareness. Ever since he has made it clear that this is important for him, its importance has also grown for me. Lol, I am still a member of the 'love-first' faction, though. Nevertheless, it is part of learning from hubby to at least understand that respect is important and therefore, I am so much more willing to show hubby this respect.

I like the traditional roles for men and women. I am not out to convince anybody that this is right or good for them, but it is good and right for us. We believe in equal rights for both sexes here, but we don't believe that men and women are equal. Obviously we are very different and we love this because in a way with our differences we complement each other. It works for us. Hey, I am still talking about respect, because for us, it is important to allow the other one to express this difference, and also to appreciate it. 

From my (female) friends some show rather masculine traits at times. I know that I could do that in some moments too, but I hate it and feel bad with it. I don't like to behave that way. Hubby doesn't expect me to do that (and he has a strong dislike of such behaviour in women). His way of being with me is different. He allows me to show and live according to my nature. I don't get any derogative comments or eye-rolling because I am who I am. Instead, I am loved and cherished for it. Now, for me, this is a kind of showing respect that I do not expect to be understood by all.

And although I do connect these benefits to having DD, I know that  others will have the opposite opinion. That's fine too, of course. 

We are not into tattoos, but I like these two.

Respect fun-section

There were these three guys talking. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow puffs out his chest and says, "Well, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third fellow sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"

abuse versus consent

Since I have started blogging here, I have found out  that somehow my thoughts start to revolve around the question why we do the things we do and  also around where the line between abuse and consent might be for us. Why is it good for us what we do and why is it not one-sided, where Master's slave is beaten and suffers unhappily while Master might enjoy his unchecked power and harm his slave. If it were like that (thank God it is not!) it would be the typical victim and offender combination and then this relationship would be abusive.

The shortest answer is, what we do is consensual. Ok, but this does not really explain much yet. What does consensual mean for me? For my owner? For you? The longer answer is closely connected to communication and respect for each other.

If consensual has any meaning at all, it must include respect between the two who agree on the things they do, otherwise it would not be an agreement, but a dictation. Yes, we consider ourselves Master and slavegirl, and yes, Master can order me around at his leasure, he can make me do all he wants to, humiliation included. I issued my owner a blank cheque when I became his and I am not even good as a negotiation partner, so he was at an advantage from the beginning and could surely have pushed me into doing things I would not like to do. But he did not. Master's main interest is my well-being above all. I can feel that all the time, even during punishments. We are in love and married, but still D/s is a vital part of our relationship, it has always been. Still, he has never ever been abusive, so, e.g. when we had scenes that included a little bit of humiliation, the line between humiliation and degradation is sometimes rather difficult to spot. He would maybe give me some humiliating comments, would let me do things he knows I consider humiliating, but he would not cross the line and hurt my feelings, damage our mutual respect for each other, let me feel inferior as a human being. These are all degrading characteristics and none of us would consider that consensual, therefore it does not happen. After all, being in a relationship, no matter whether it is D/s or not, should be to care for the other one, to enhance the time we can be together for both.

There are many other points that show the difference between being consensual or being abusive but here is some food for thought: Can you stop whatever activity is going on, if you feel that you have to? If not, you are a victim and the activity must be abusive. Master and I have not talked about safewords for ages, and I tend to say that I don't need them. The truth behind this is that the idea about being a slavegirl might have different connotations for you, me, anybody. Some say as a slavegirl I gave responsibility into the hands of my Master. I agree with that. Still, former safewords are there, I could use them and Master would stop immediately. Actually I don't have to refer to a safeword any longer. If I communicated that I am not able to cope with the situation, he would stop. Sometimes it is only bodylanguage that is needed. Every kind of communication is vital. This is one of the major demands that my Master expects me to meet. I can do all kinds of nonsense, but he will freak-out if I fail to communicate about my well-being intentionally. I am glad about that, it helps me to feel safe.

If you have browsed through some of my other texts, you might have noticed that I am sometimes challenged when it comes to communicating what I feel like. With this I refer to conditions where I have not realized what might be going on with me. Master knows that, I know that and we work on it. But I would not once forget to tell him that I am mortally afraid, or close to a panic attack or something like that. If it helps, use numbers one to ten. One - all is fine, completely relaxed; ten - pure panic, fear of death, STOP NOW!!! You can also use colours, like yellow for close to the edge  (would be around number 8) and red for stop immediately (that's a 10). You get the idea. Whatever you do, talk. I can only stress that, not only during scenes, talk about everything in your relationship, find ways to communicate, because then chances are considerably higher that you will never experience abusive situations at all. ... And it feels lovely, you can connect, get to know each other better than many others will ever be able to.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not trying to set up any rule telling anybody what they should like or dislike. If your mental make up is different from mine, you might derive pleasure from all kinds of things that I wouldn't enjoy and vice versa. If degradation is part of your needs and wants and you agreed out of your free will, mentally stable and with a clear idea of what this means, I am not in a position to say your kink is better or worse than mine. But whatever you do, stick to safe, sane, consensual.

Behaviour in public and at home

What do submissives behave like in public? Probably according to what they have agreed on with their dominant partner. The same applies to slavegirls. Does that mean that especially slavegirls are doomed to a life in leather or rubber, when they are out shopping for bread and milk? No, not really. I think I would get caned if I ever wore revealing or too sexy clothes outside home.
As should always be the case, Master and I have talked about that, in the past, years ago, and all over again, whenever there might have been need for that, or just to avoid any kind of misunderstanding. Master has to approve of my clothes, but he doesn't do the micro managing, like, what kind of knickers or dress I have to wear. Far too much work. Usually, I put out my clothes in the evening, so that he can have a look and as long as there is no objection from his side, I can wear what I chose. Sometimes he says that I should change my outfit, but since all my clothes are those that he likes, this does not happen too often. And I feel lucky, because he does not want me to be skimpily dressed outside home, or with other people around. At home this is different, I could be naked, wear sexy clothes for him, and there would be no drawbacks from that for his business. I would not feel ashamed, because I know that he likes me the way I am and I like to do what he wants for him.

I guess another reason is that he would not want me to feel continuously uncomfortable because I would not cope easily with being half-naked outside, in the presence of strangers. Making me feel slightly nervous or uncomfortable for a rather short time would be ok for him though, e.g. if he decided to have sex with me in a more or less public place, like a park or a back street. I have been in that situation several times with him and I felt dead nervous, which was part of the fun he had, because he probably knew that nobody could observe us.  He is not out to cause harm, but in his boisterous moments, he likes to create this mix of being nervous and being all  fidgety in me because I always think that somebody will come around the corner in a moment, but then nothing happens.
In fact, we have had bad luck in the past and we were caught once, by the police, so they were not just any pedestrians, no, they escorted us out of the park, just to make sure we would not go on with our activity. Master just laughed about it, though I felt awfully embarrassed. I also know that he did not want us to be caught, but now and then he still teases me with this embarrassing moment up to this day, especially when I get loud in bed, because me being loud during sex was why the police had found us. But they were nice people, all in all ...

Anyway, apart from that incident, all else would probably not even be considered a minor inconvenience. Since he does not want to damage our reputation, we appear just like any other couple in public. Master is a real gentleman with me in public, so that no problems  arise from our way of life. He would hate that, and I think even more so, because I would hate that too. I don't like to feel ashamed, that's something I cannot bring in line with being in a loving relationship with my partner, neither can he.
So, if you know what to look out for, you might spot some minor differences. We might appear a bit old-fashioned for some. I would always ask him, if I wanted something, and if it were, e.g. a drink or food in a restaurant, he would choose for me (this is also connected to good and correct behaviour in general, not only something that M/s-couples do). That he chooses does not mean that I would have to eat something I would not enjoy, because usually he would ask, what I would like to have. But he has to approve, otherwise I can't have it, which is fine with me. Don't forget, we do a lot of talking, about everything. He would never order white wine for me, as an example, because I can't stand that. Fish is tricky with me too, so he would make sure that I get something I really could enjoy. I know, some cannot understand that way of life, but I can only say, it is the best way of life for us. Imagine, having a partner, (a man !), who knows all about your real needs, who also knows your bust size, dress size, shoe size, favourite food, favourite drink, favourite colour, favourite song, movie, tv show, favourite perfume, endless ways of cheering you up, even more ways to make you feel loved and cherished, etc. . And in addition to all that, my Master also spends his time with me, not with some football pals, most of the time he wants us to be together. Need I really say more ...? :)

Sorry, got distracted from thinking about how lucky I am. Back to topic. All gentleman, He would let me through the door first and I would not even be allowed to open the door at all. But I could not simply sit down, either. In a restaurant, a waiter would usually help, in other places, Master would help the lady (--> me ) to sit properly on the chair. Don't forget though, at home I am the one who curtsies or even crawls in front of him, if he decides that. But everything has to be decent outside,  which is lovely, too. When we go to the theatre, or opera, I can be sure that we don't attract any kind of unwanted attention, which would spoil the fun of being there completely.

I would also not initiate conversation with any unknown man. I would wait until I have been introduced by Master. If talked to, I would reply, sure, but I would not encourage anyone, until I had Master's ok. What I talk about is, when we are together, in a more or less formal event. If it were among friends, that would be easier, of course. I would still ask Master sometimes, e.g. if it were about a glas of wine. I would not have more than one, but I would wait for his ok, just for that. More than one is out of question, because Master would have to carry me home then (I am not an alcoholic, but anything with alcohol in it leaves me immediately tipsy or worse, so we really have a close look at what or how much I drink).

Talking and talking: even though nobody outside home can  see that, we are not always of the same opinion. What a surprise. There should never be a problem with having different opinions, and we rarely have any reason to argue because of different opinions, but of course, we have discussions, sometimes pretty wild ones, which is ok, too. But there is one point in any argument which is not ok for Master, therefore it is not allowed for me either: arguing in public. If I have the feeling that I need to express my completely different opinion, I can do so, but polite, friendly and never ever in any offensive form. Master hates rude and impolite behaviour and would never tolerate that. I can understand that quite well and agree, even though I am sometimes the one who is bratty and then the tone might be impolite and that leads to chastisement, and that is good for me then, too. And I mean it!

Master would not tolerate me being in any form impolite. Neither towards him, nor towards anybody else. Being impolite is never ok, but any form of unfriendly behaviour, not saying 'thank you', and similar polite forms would be intolerable. If we talk at home, not in Master and slave mode, just as a married couple, when we discuss things, I don't have to be formal, I could tease him, be cheeky, but whatever we do, there has to be respect for the other one in it. I think this is mandatory, if you love each other. I get respect from Master, because he appreciates that I give control completely into his hands and Master deserves respect from me even more so. This does not at all interfere with me being the one who does as told, whenever he decides.