Men and ice cream

This is one of the missing bits of 'I quit', which was meant to appear during our stay in Britain. Instead, it disappeared, like some other little bits. This is about relationship failures during our studies. If this appears like another round of rambling, skip it (the next part has far more drama in it again). .... :-) But if you want to find out about the title, read on.

You can read the other parts here and here.

Good times

In a way it is easy to write about all the small and big catastrophes that happen. But what do you write about the good times? Well, they are good. That’s it? Hey, there were many good months Amy and I had when we lived in our little flat. But right now I am not able to put all of that into words. As some of you maybe know, I sometimes express what’s going on in colours. So, there have been bright, warm colours all around us. Pick your favourites that you enjoy on a lovely summer day. We spent fantastic days and nights, discussed everything in and out and did all to stay close and were as close as can be. We have been through everything together, which is what best friends do. But one reason why we had such a good time was that we wanted to make life for the other one lovely, too. If there were problems, we solved them more or less together, or at least we were there to support each other whenever this was called for.  This worked well for some time, and we took it as long as it would last. 

Amy went on doing her studies, I had mine and was good at that, too. I even earned a little money with my new craft. Actually it was never much money, but it was more than enough for us.

On men

We had so many new things to talk about; surprise surprise - boyfriends were not one of the major topics (most of the time), although we talked about them, too. But they did not fit in, for some reason. If anything, we imagined the idealized versions of a boyfriend. But there was none, not for Amy and definitely not for me.

I had been pretty unsuccessful when it came to romantic relationships. I had tried a few times and it never worked out at all, ... like in complete failure and embarrassing mistakes. 

By now, I believe I know why everything went wrong in that department.  One big reason for it is that I find men attractive who know what they want and can communicate this clearly, too. This includes that they also know what kind of woman they want, and in addition, I like it when men are willing/able to fight for their woman. I want him masculine, strong and protective. I even like it when he can be jealous. … Then again, not too much jealousy, because I want him to have enough self-confidence to know that I am his. Well, the message is that I like the more possessive type of man, not selfish, but I love it for example when hubby shows me in no uncertain ways that I belong to him and he is the boss.

I want him to be able to overcome resistance, because that shows his strength and I want him to let me feel that I am his. I like it traditional and am not happy without submitting to my man. This does not interfere with my belief in equal rights, and ever since I was able to accept and acknowledge what kind of man and what kind of relationship I need, things have become tremendously better. Since this happened only with hubby, it is what happened last, at the end of my time at university. ...now you have me dreaming again, my knight in shining armor and his favourite weapon in hand, at that time a black riding crop. I love that one to this day! :)

Impossible mission

And now back to the catch22: in my thinking at that time, I was looking for someone who had to be strong, but I wouldn’t let him tell me anything. And I was actually extremely wary about assertive men and avoided them. One reason was that dating a man like this would leave the impression of being unemancipated, which from nowaday's point of view I consider complete rubbish. More importantly, deep within I think I was also still fighting a lot with some old very evil demons because what I understood about assertive and dominant behaviour was that men of that kind could easily infringe my distinctive physical need for safety and security. 

Amy the prosecutor

Amy, on the other side, was rather reluctant and waiting for her Mr Right. She was in no hurry at all and closely scrutinized all men around, but none made it into her bedroom. Flirting was ok, though and at times this was hilarious to watch with her. What I could not observe, I heard in greatest detail afterwards. Some of the candidates were really cute, but had no clue that Amy ticked off her internal list for finding her perfect match. Maybe I make it sound cold-hearted, which would leave the completely wrong impression, because she is not like that at all; on the contrary, she is very warm-hearted and caring. She is curious about people, and talking to her is great fun. If anything, people want to spend time with her. She is absolutely charming and in her relationship candidate cross examinations she checked his reactions and opinions, what he was interested in, future plans, what he thought about his friends, etc. . She wanted to know about his relationship with his own family, and of course, what he thought about her. Imagine that going on for one to five dates per candidate and you have the gist of it. We had a favourite bar, which we sometimes used for our dating ceremonies, too. If possible we arranged for double dates, not at the same table, but at the same time, so that we could help each other in times of need, e.g. when one of us wanted to leave unexpectedly. And once again, there was nothing mean behind this, but we wanted to make sure that we could get out of situations. Besides, the men have all remained on friendly terms with Amy, maybe some were disappointed that nothing more came out of dating her, but I think that even when she turned somebody down, she did it with great charm, so that he could still feel cherished and appreciated.

All in all, finding Mr. Right went rather quickly for her, though, once hubby had found me … incredibly irresistible (I cannot resist such a line now and then!).

Hey, I can hear what you think now, but you are wrong! If Amy had found her future husband earlier, she would have grabbed her chance!

Amy  the best friend

Throughout most of our university years, she also did a great job at collecting what was left of me, when another short relationship (I do not really consider them that; they are more like flirts turned bad) went wrong and I was shattered again. I was only looking for Mr. Perfect and he was not in sight. So, these few attempts of mine were short lived and stupid. And they left me at a loss. I did not know what was missing. They were nice, friendly, very adventurous and I think most women’s dreams, too.  If only one of them had had more knowledge about spanking, who knows. :) But after some failed attempts I had no deeper interest in men left at all. But I was still hoping for Prince Charming, without much energy, though.

Anyway, Amy was there, with ice cream, chocolate and her open heart for me and built me up again from scratch each and every time. She has such a practical attitude and put that to best use in such moments. --> Whenever I had started dating someone, she stocked up on ice cream, chocolate and hankies. At the same time, mysteriously, she showed interest in another love movie we should watch … soon. 
I did not notice that, well, in fact it took me much longer than the time we lived together to figure out her ice-cream and movie break-up emergency procedure. And when 'it' finally had happened, we did watch a sad love movie. I bawled because there were sad and happy scenes that reminded me of an ex, and she did the same because she cries easily in love stories and immediately when her best friend cries and is miserable. And two days later we went to the zoo. Always. And I still know some of the elephants’ names, because I have seen them too often. 

 

This is emergency equipment!

The days are just packed, well...a little

Somehow the weekend was busy, but only in positive ways. Sunday was all about being lazy. since the weather was good, I spent the day outside, in the hammock, too. This hammock makes me feel like a sailor, by the way. At first I thought I got it wrong, but by now I am sure that I feel the swaying of the hammock hours later, just like you feel when you spent your day on a boat. It is a little irritating for me, and I have the urge to grab something to steady me, no matter whether I sit or stand. Hubby had a good laugh because of that, because I did not move at all, but I felt like I was on a boat in rough water.


Saturday. In the morning a friend and I went swimming. It was lovely and pure quality time. Lunch was more on the sandwich side of things, but that was ok. After all, I had brought additional cookies, fruits and some juice, as a kind of picnic in the park.

Towards the end of it, hubby called for some food that I should bring along. Ok, so I went shopping on my way home.

When I returned, hubby was a little busy, but he told me that he'd help me with the salad. Ok; which salad was that, Sir? Hubby had found Cat's strawberry-avocado recipe which I had printed out and put into the kitchen. But that would be for dinner, so I had time left during the afternoon. Hammock time ! And making a list for our trip to the familiy - time! I did both, but sometime while writing the list I dozed off.

Later in the afternoon, hubby woke me with some strawberries that he fed me. Yummy. Problem: wake-up time usually means loo-time. You know, this is absolutely annoying by now, because I have the feeling that I have run more often to the loo only the last three months than in the three years before.  Hmm, I really should get a diaper-supply for the ninth month. River's idea. In addition, loo-racing  has the potential to destroy any romantic moment. Imagine that, a pleasant summer day, your husband next to you, slowly feeding you strawberries, to wake you up, and then, ... you have to scramble out of the cozy hammock in a very urgent way. I mean like really urgently. More than a short 'sorry, have to...' was not possible. These are face palm moments, in a way.

But we don't give up! Three cheers for Romance! Thank God, hubby can wait better than I. Well, but my place in the hammock was gone by then. Hubby was in it, eating strawberries. I was a little disappointed, because he really could have waited. Hmmm, no, instead he was lounging in my anti-insomnia-hammock. The way he lazily writhed inside the hammock  had something very sexy, though. Oh, well, everything has something sexy; this has not changed at all, yet.

Hubby did not really look at me, he was focused on having a fantastic time and I was waiting there. I pulled a chair closer, because I thought my cozy place was occupied for the time being, so why bother.

Obviously it was not what hubby wanted. "No, come closer" Well, ok, so I pulled my chair right next to the hammock, so that I could rest my arms on hubby's tummy. I pushed hubby's T-shirt up and started caressing him. I was not disappointed any longer. :-)

He had stopped munching strawberries and asked me where I had put my wedding ring. Well, it was inside, in the kitchen, because my fingers are a little more swollen than they should be. So, I had taken it off in time. Yes, I can and do listen to expert-advice, and I think this has been commented on by many here in the past. Good advice! Hubby asked me to bring it to him. Oh? No chance for romance, it seems. Why does he want to have my wedding ring, anyway? I asked about it, but hubby just told me to bring it. Not nice. I was a little hurt, because he cut off my questions so bluntly. :-(

I went in, I knew exactly where it was, but it was not there. This is not funny! I knew where I had placed it and the wedding ring is among the very few items I do not lose. This really plunged me into a state of desperation. How could my ring disappear from there?! Hubby was already inside. "Where is your ring?" I think he saw that I was close to crying in that moment, because he hugged me immediately. "No reason to worry. Have you looked into the little box?" What box?????????? There is no .................. Oh! There was a little lengthy box which I had not seen and I was sure that it had not been there in the morning. I opened it and in there was, of course, my wedding ring, on a little silver necklace. "So that you won't lose your ring, sweety". I loved that and was relieved too, because I really thought I'd have a heartattack if I did not find my wedding ring. Well, we hugged and cuddled and hubby helped me put the necklace on. Now I have a safe place for my ring. ... After a short while I could even  have my hammock place back. In there, I wanted to sleep, but instead I played around with the ring. Since having it around the neck, I have played with it. This really has toy-qualities at the moment.

Me, when I thought I had lost my treasure ring :-D

The rest of the afternoon went smoothly. I even had a few more minutes of sleep in the hammock (and I sleep better again, all in all!), but not for long, because we had to prepare dinner. Actually dinner was a typical hobbit-like affair. The salad was delicious, and we had three kinds of bread with it, sliced chicken in it and cheese cubes and pepper extra. ... I don't know why I start describing my food. It must be the hormones.:-) Besides, I am pretty hungry lately, and you can see around the belly, bottom, arms, etc. that I do eat. At the moment I feel as if I gain by the hour, though I am not as hoggish as I might sound; I am only a little hobbitish. :-) 

And I do my exercises, always and with joy ... as long as I don't have a mirror nearby.

Have a nice Sunday and a nice start into your week!

Laugh out loud!

You should be able to laugh a lot, especially when you are in a relationship. I think this is so important in a relationship and there is a difference between being dedicated and serious about common goals and not being able to have a good laugh, either about yourself, your partner or about the two of you together. One of the few things that I try hard never ever to forget, is that we are only human. For me it is very important to know this line, because it comes quite handy in some situations as a good excuse too. :) I mean so many people are only out on being perfect. Perfect looks, perfect partner, perfect job, perfect attitudes, perfect behaviour. All the time? Come on, I wouldn't believe a word of that. Everybody is smelly now and then, everybody is moody now and then, everybody makes mistakes. That's what too many keep forgetting and they shouldn't.

Humour and the ability to laugh about yourself and your partner can solve many problems. I think that hubby sometimes has his lenient moments with me because of that. I mean, if anything can go wrong, it goes wrong, at least this is the feeling that I have. Whenever I have tried to be cool, I failed. I am just not cool. Well, some people are simply from the other side and have to learn to live with that. :) And then there is hubby, who is the coolest man on earth for me. When he puts on sunglasses, he does it in a cool way, and looks cool with them.

Yeah, and when I try to do that, I break the sunglasses. Or they get caught in my hair. Don't ask why, I don't know. But if I finally have sunglasses on, I don't look cool either. When I am lucky, I can look cute, but cool? No way José! Uhm, this doesn't mean that I do not try now and then. The example with the sunglasses was from last week, because the weather had turned into sunny  and warm. I failed again.

So, little Miss Clumsy could sulk and blame others for all that happens around her. Or she could laugh about it and try again next time. I think I have written more than once that I am not really the one who should give any sort of advice, but I know that for us, laughing is like medicine. In my case, it reduces frustration a lot, obviously. :)

If you have a relationship with your partner where both of you can laugh, about yourself and each other, then there is something really healthy in it.  You have some kind of good connection. You probably also have the right attitude about some things in life, e.g. I think that those who can laugh about themselves are not arrogant people. To think that one is better than the other is horrible and if you know that you might leave a damp spot where you sit, just like everybody else, it has a very humbling effect. Laughing helps!

Rambling, cake, sisters

Sorry about this round of rambling. Actually I think I have written worse things here than this text, but I needed that now. Baby and I are fine, but I am currently feeling somehow overloaded with restlessness. This is Easter Sunday 2014, we have had a lovely day with the family. I had time to practice child care with my three nieces, egg hunting and division of loot included. Everything was fantastic, we were busy in the best ways you can imagine. Until my younger sister needed to tell me that I had gained weight, my cheeks looked fuller. Yes, that was what I really wanted to hear in that moment GRRRRRR. Of course, I was eating a piece of cake then, too, but suddenly felt not hungry any longer. She knew immediately afterwards that she had blundered and did her best to make up for it, but in that moment, I was really angry. Not sort of angry, no, really angry. Sisters... . But she is nice and lovely otherwise! And by now I can laugh about that again. Hubby said the face I made then was worth all the trouble, according to him I looked as if I'd throw the piece of cake in her face and/or cry. Honestly, I had considered both options in that moment.

The Easter fun corner:

One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept.  When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'



Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter Sunday lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. USA. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.
'I don't have to,' the five year old replied.
'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'

(source:  http://www.guy-sports.com/funny/christian_easter_jokes.htm)

I wish everybody HAPPY EASTER 

The start of something good

This is my 

100th blog entry here :)

We had been in the earliest stages of our relationship, where I for one was caught between the last chaotic remnants of independent single life and the irrestible lure of being with my future husband. Well, no, I'd like to rephrase that. I was at the end of the period of life where all was ruined for me and he was my only light in the dark while I felt like being tossed to and fro in a stormy night. I felt so strongly for him from the start and the only reservations that were actually left, were some unreflected pseudo-feminist thinking of mine saying that women these days were meant to be strong, were meant to decide everything freely and absolutely without asking a  m a n.

Such thinking is not only anti-man it is also anti-relationship thinking, and yes, this is silly and embarrassing from today's point of view and I have regretted those years before I met hubby so much that it hurts up to this day. Anyway, here I was, inwardly determined and willing to do all for him. Outwardly there were the last remains of some alibi-political-correctness left, but they were not strong and I knew that and felt in my heart that I'd forget everything and do anything necessary if hubby-to-be proved only half as good as he appeared. 

I think I don't spoil the point of the story when I already state here that he was more than half a man, he was t h e man (and still is), a strong-willed man, a strong and honest character, self-confident, all a woman could ever wish for and far more, a living dream and true to his word, as I was soon to find out.

I had not yet moved into his house, because it was too early for that and I did not feel I knew him well enough yet, but we had been dating for about two months and this was really getting serious for me. It was sort of serious for me when I met him the first time, because I felt I was all his, head over heels in love and attracted to him like the bee to the flower.
After more than five years of unsteady life, this was in itself a rather unfamiliar experience. But from the first moment on, I virtually had no resistance left when it came to him. And it felt good that way, I had physical reactions from just touching him, or him touching me, if you have somebody who has such a pleasant voice that it sends the loveliest shivers down the spine you could think of, you also know what I am talking about. More than once was I sitting in the library and absorbed reading when I heard him unexpectedly and just hearing him left me completely flustered and aroused, as if I had just had sex. :) It really felt like that, well, it still does, when he comes over me unexpectedly (yes, he knows) ... I started daydreaming about my hero who would save the little princess. I had a little bit of a bad conscience at first because of these teenager attitudes, since I thought this made me look like easy prey for men. That was a thought I did not like at all, but since I considered myself in a serious relationship, the first real relationship for years, I would never have done any move against it. Well, with him, I would have become a saint, just to keep him. Since I have been more of a sinner at that time, you can maybe see to what length I would have gone just to do things right for once.

So, we had an invitation to one of the infamous autumn balls outside Hamburg, and we went north into the countryside, where the people are much like Yorkshire farmers. It is a marriage market, too. Of course, you'll find all farmers and daughters and everybody who could walk, on such a ball. They are fantastic fun, the people and the occasion. Sometimes some people need a bit alcohol first to grow warm, but then it is endlessly funny and if you cannot enjoy yourself there, then you'll never be able to. Talking about alcohol, this had to be well timed for us. Hubby-to-be was the driver, so he would not drink at all. Maybe I should have been the driver .... sorry, if you have ever seen me driving you know why hubby usually wants to do that for me. All gentleman, he is. :) Well, I was not driving and I could only have a little glas of wine later on. If I just look at alcohol, I am already drunk, therefore I really do plan when I want to have a little sip. If I fail to do that, I end up in unknown places, without any memory how I got there and with a hangover the size of a house and with a gap in my memory. If anybody tells you that this is fun, he or she must be lying, it isn't. It is embarrassing and a horrible experience. Add a bed and an unknown stranger to the scenery and the catastrophy is complete. 

Since I hate such things, I stick to orange juice and non-alcohol coctails (For the record, I never had problems with alcohol, but I have had negative experiences connected to drinking alcohol, just like most people on earth). So we went there and had a nice time. We danced most of the evening, had some food and enjoyed ourselves, met old friends and new ones too. Later that evening I had about half a glas of wine. I felt tipsy, but I knew that would happen and felt very well and safe, because hubby-to-be was there with me and we enjoyed each other's presence so much. It was already close to perfect at that time.

I don't know for sure what changed, but somehow I became bitchy, and maybe it was because I felt unbound and unchecked after I had this bit of wine. Maybe it was just that I wanted to tease my partner a little and started flirting with another man. Not much and maybe others would consider it just relaxed atmosphere and my way of being easy. Maybe I was simply thoughtless. What I know for sure was that I had not wanted to do any harm, especially not cause trouble for my partner. But there is one thing I see clearer now than I did back then, and I have bad memories when it comes to that. I think I wanted to challenge J. and find out what he would do. This is so unlike me, but it also is a pattern that I had already shown in two other relationships which failed completely, because I behaved like a pain in the ass. I could blame the wine, of course, but I do not. I think it was more of a test, though I have no real idea what made me ever come up with such a stupid idea in the first place. And whenever I think about this stupid moment, I absolutely have this urge to apologize. I really get a bad conscience just from thinking about it. Compared to other things that I have done, where I even was out of control, this appears harmless. But it is not for me, because it felt like the destruction of the most beautiful relationship I have ever experienced. I could cry, so bad does it make me feel to this moment. Well, it's long over and healed, therefore I won't. And my make-up is not waterproof either now, but it was in this night I write about. :) 

J.'s reaction was unexpectedly harsh, I found then. He told me, no he ordered me, to come with him, out. I could have stayed inside, but then everything would have been as bad as it had been for the last years and I knew that. I did not want to blow it now. So I followed obediently and also with a little remorse. But on the other hand, I wouldn't be me, if there had not been my personal streak of stubborn antagonism in the face of obvious failure from my side. So, since I dared not speak at first, I pouted, visibly. J. got his jacket and my huge red scarf. I was the lady in red that evening, with a fabulous ball gown in candy apple red and carmine red. I loved that outfit and felt sort of queenish (and had obviously behaved likewise). So we were standing there, J. all gentleman helped me with the scarf, but was already boiling with rage, as I did see. I just said 'Come on' airily, because I thought this was only a little irritation. He almost exploded into my face. He scolded me right there in front of the attendant, but stopped almost the same moment and he used English, so that she did hopefully not understand what was being said, only that he was seriously annoyed and I absolutely embarrassed, because he treated me like the little bad girl, I had been. He pushed me out, put me directly into the car and off we went. Unexpectedly early. I could not let the whole affair rest and started a second time, trying to tell him that his reaction was exaggerated. That he could not treat a woman that way. Yes, I seriously said that to the one who admittedly liked to spank me. :) That was when he got seriously mad. He told me that I had seriously misbehaved there, had tried to let him look stupid in there, had ruined the evening for him and that I had left the impression of being a slut, too. I tried to refute and deny all that and tried to hold against J's claims, but that was more because I thought I should and I felt stupid too. I knew that he was right. So I became louder, almost hysterical, I think. Oh my. He simply stopped the car, somewhere in no-man's-land and opened the door on my side. "Get out of the car until you can behave again!" I was absolutely shocked and did not believe that happening. He unfastened the seat belt for me and waited a moment, but his eyes were narrow, like those of a dog before the bite. He was dead serious with everything and I had the feeling that I'd better do as told.

Still, I think this was a turning point for us, definitely for me. He was not hiding anything from me and I could read him clearly. He never pretended anything and only said what he meant and would be willing to defend or answer for. And very obviously, he was not the one to fool around with if he was not in the mood for games. Wow, he absolutely had me with that. I have never ever before experienced something like that, on the verge of despair, but also with the hope of being rescued by him. He really meant business but this was not only anger, there was also concern and love? Yes, but he hid that in the car in such a situation. And I did not feel like I deserved any sign of affection at all anyway.

I went out of the car. I even do know why. It was because I never felt like he would have left me alone, if anything I felt better than before. Better not in the sense that it was warm or pleasant. I felt touched deep within and satisfied, virtually for the first time ever in that specific way.  Did I mention that it was raining too? He was angry with me and in addition to that I had made a scene. He would not tolerate that and I could have known, because he had said things like that before. Well, I had not thought he would act on that, in the dark, somewhere and after midnight.

It was cold, I was wet and cold too, my hair was ruined, my dress close to that too, but my make-up looked fine. The cold worked. I did not try to tell him to let me in again. I asked politely, because in this moment I really wanted to be good for him. So the rain was good for something, it felt like a cold shower. "I am sorry. I really am. Would you let me in again, please? I promise that I'll behave.  Let's talk again, please, I am really sorry for what I did." I could see his face lighten up a bit, but not like all was good again. Once back inside, he first of all opened the dress and had me wear an old, dry pullover of his. Very romantic :) and at least dry. He really cared, maybe the pullover was just because he was polite with women, but he could have announced that it was all over. He did not. We talked in the car and I got admonished and he explained some of the things that I had done and that the ball was in my court now. Did I want a serious commitment? Was I willing to adapt? He was not there to be fooled with. And inbetween it became clear that if I really wanted to stay with him, there would be major changes in our lives, but far more so in mine.

Can you imagine how that feels, when the man you want more than anyone tells you that there could be a future for the both of you together? After I had behaved like a bitch, I should add. I think that was the most important piece of information that I got during this night and I started crying and I think that up to this day hubby thought I only cried because I had misbehaved and was sorry. Au contraire, the real reason was that he had offered me a perspective after my silly way of behaving. (Hubby is going to find out once this text is published). So, most tears were out of hidden happiness. Well, I really felt sorry for what had happened before and apologized again and some of the tears were because I had disappointed him, and some more were just because I was so relieved.
Still the most important thing was that I agreed to major changes and we would talk more back at home. This is where the 'and they lived happily ever after' should start. Actually I could write that, since with every bit of discipline that I learned and with the new transparent structure that he gave me, it became better. But the way to happiness was really arduous and I take the blame for that gladly. After all it did not matter that there was much to do, we had seen to that, but all that happened, happened with the man of my dreams, who I love most.
You have done more for me than I can ever put into words and all I want from the heart is to show how much you matter to me, that my love for you is unconditional and endlessly. I think there are no words to express how deeply I love you Sir.

blocking your partner emotionally

I am still not sure how I ended up in this train of thoughts, because originally I had thought about the way we connect and feel more intimacy. Well, this was the first plan, because of my fantastic, mind-blowing experience during the weekend, yes, the one with the new cane.
Instead, after some dreaming and reminiscing about it, my thoughts went into a rather dreary direction. No depression, PMS still kept in check, just some thoughts that created horrible pictures in my head. I never had any trouble of this kind with Master, but I found the pictures they created in me horrible; what, if you actively or unintentionally blocked your partner out of your feelings? Would not let him participate emotionally? The physical aspects are pretty obvious, I guess. If you don't want to let go at all, he would have a hard time of succeeding with anything. And, yes, sex again, if you are all unwilling to relax, sex is probably going to hurt. Nasty pain, not pleasure, and definitely not the kind that ends up in heaven and bliss, I won't linger on these details though, because they are definitely too disturbing for me, they are the stuff my nightmares come from, if I have any. I'd rather go and watch a Zombie-movie than go into the depths of such depressing thoughts, even though I am the one who is afraid of those movies.
Nevertheless, it can still happen, even without you noticing about it, that you don't let go, that you do not let him participate in your emotional state. If that happens unintentionally, ok, I think in a relationship which is really about being close and being connected, sooner or later, you are going to talk and solve the problem, at least if you see that the problem is there.
In our relationship I am happy to say that we don't have much of that problem, at least not to such a horrible degree, and definitely not like an active blockade. That would be a real disaster, because it would mean that you play around with your relationship, and do not care much  for the well-being of your partner, though taking care, loving and trusting are vital parts of any relationship.
If one of the two of us is in such a state, like shutting him-/herself away from the other one, it is because of other problems, which are not even connected to the partner. I think that it is pretty normal that sooner or later you take some kind of trouble home and it might just happen that this absorbs more of your energy and thoughts than it should. Usually it is me again, you could have guessed, who ends up in that kind of problem, where even minor problems appear like major ones and they create sorrow in me, where Master would just shrug that off and say 'who cares'. I am not good at that at all, and even Master has such moments, where some business-affairs absorb not only his time but also his attention when it is not necessary and he should relax.
From my experience, it is far easier to see the problems your partner might have, than your own. Master tells me, when I start being like a fortress, which is good, because I do not realise such things  about myself quickly. Instead, I can see that something might bother him, that his thoughts are away, or that he is emotionally detached for a time. I hate that completely, and I am allowed to talk to him about such things, almost any time, any place, which I am extremely grateful for. What I mean here is not that I am all needy for his attention .....hm, ok, yes probably that too, but any sign of being emotionally away from my partner feels for me like being close to the abyss, a black one, without a cushion at the bottom to soften your fall. Pure horror.

Why some women can let go and others can’t

Recently I had a discussion with a friend about why some women cannot let go during sex. I know, sex again, sorry for that, but this was something we talked about. I think this is rather controversial, because I know that my idea does not apply to every woman. Besides, I don't want to offend anybody and hope this is not misunderstood completely.

There is a growing group of women who have trouble in bed, they more or less do in bed, what they do in their jobs: they are persistent and assertive, they use their intellect where they should not, in my opinion, they should listen to their heart, or better, follow their emotional guide and if they think at all in bed, it should be maybe more about how they feel in this moment with their partner. This is not directly connected to DD or D/s relationships, I think that rationalising about everything in bed is deadly for every kind of intimacy and horrible, because I think this behaviour creates pressure in bed, where fun, peace, ease and being relaxed should be the only important bit to care for. It reminds me of people who go on holiday, are overactive all the time, just because they want to fill any minute with activity and have no chance to relax at all, instead when they return home, they are more exhausted than ever. I believe, this cannot be healthy.

My point is about women and what happens in bed, though. Among friends, I have heard more than once that some put this kind of pressure onto themselves in the bedroom. Actually, I connect this kind of behaviour with what men tend to do, also in the bedroom, being focused on success, and probably also with a certain kind of aggressive attitude behind it. For me, this sounds like a horrible experience. I always thought that some of the best characteristics of women are to be allowed to be sensitive, to be allowed just to give to him and fulfil his needs as well as my own with that, to show emotion and enjoy the moment. Yes, I know, completely out of date, that's what I would expect some to reply. But there is nothing wrong with you, if you need a lot of intimacy, if you just need a lot of time to spend with your partner in bed, if you want to be touched physically and emotionally. The time you spend together in bed is only a good one, if it is more than a physical experience. Take your time, because these intimate moments are not meant to be a race or a business contract where there can only be one winner. Even if you do not agree with me, I am so sure that you have the picture of someone who behaves like a racer in bed, you probably know someone like that, no matter whether this one is male or female. In my opinion, men tend to be like that, and to a certain degree that is fine, though definitely not enough to satisfy the needs of a woman. Sure, just like we can do all the things men can do, we can also be like men in bed, but this does not mean, that we should. I am not discussing same rights for both sexes, same money for same work, and so on, because these ideas are extremely important and should go without saying. I am talking about relationships and emotional distortions and about the pressure to succeed that women create for themselves. It is against women's strengths and qualities. If I had to be like that, it would make me completely unhappy. And I am sure I would not enjoy being in bed with any partner if I had this idea that I need to be successful in bed.

What if …. (still dealing with my complicated way to find Mr Right)

... my Master and I had never met? I know this is a rather hypothetical question but it is one which has always bothered me. Before we met I had already been together with one and a half other partners and we never managed to create real and lasting relationships. It never felt right for me. Now, I am happy about that, because with Master I have found the one and only man I really want. At that time I did not know what went wrong at all. It just did not work. Imagine, you have one of these fits, where you are just waiting for someone to talk to you so that you can explode. There are different ways of exploding, btw., e.g. irony, or, even worse, sarcasm, where you attempt to hurt the other one, intentionally. In my case, I also started being unfair and blamed my partner for whatever comes to mind. The reaction of an inexperienced boyfriend like the one I had then, could differ, but he tried to talk things through (which is great) but he did it the wrong way, by accepting inacceptable behaviour from my side. -> If you behave like a brat, you should be treated as such. That’s something that I learned much later only. Well, my then-boyfriend was not strong enough, he did not want to be strict, set rules or tell me when to stop. Sounds great for some, is a huge problem for one like me, because I tend to use the liberty given and use it in destructive ways occassionally. To make it short: he was not able to control me and I had no reason to control my behaviour because I never had to fear any consequences. I am sorry to say that, but I think that my first partner was simply too nice for me and not strong willed enough to stop me from being a brat. To my excuse I want to add that I was young (16 and a few months of 17) and I did not mean to do any harm. Of course I did not behave badly all the time, but it was enough to make us unhappy. The second partner was just like that, he was quicker in stopping the affair, though. I still had no clue why it did not work for us, even though I was told that I behaved bitchy and complicated.
This only describes my bratty side, which I hate and feel extremely bad about. But there is a second side that none of them could satisfy at all, because they were not right for me: they were not dominant and I was (am) submissive (which was not at all clear to me then). That they did not satisfy my submissive needs was the main reason why I was such a brat with them. But how could you possibly tackle a problem, if you do not even know what it was, or that it existed. In bed, in dealing with me, in helping me, they were never able to satisfy me emotionally. They were not even close to triggering emotions in me I did not know I had then. For me it is satisfying to be told what to do, this includes the bedroom. I am not talking about being a robot without personality or without my own will, it is just the way a man has to deal with me, talk to me, structure me, which makes the difference between feeling right or wrong, or rather emotionally involved or detached.
Later on, I met my husband and Master-to-be and he was all different from the beginning. He was extremely attractive, he set the mood for whenever we met, he took me out and behaved like a gentleman, but if I ever had any moments of beginning to brat, he stopped me. He even threw me out of the car once, to let me cool down when he thought I had behaved inappropriately without reason. Not nice, it rained! But none of these moments created a crisis like I had experienced before. Instead, he caused completely different feelings, and apart from love, two of the most important ones were trust and safety. I am not talking about punishments which include corporal punishments yet. Such physical correction was only part of our bedroom play at first, which felt fantastic.
Before I completely forget about what I want to say: What I realised after Master and I had started a serious relationship was, that I never had a chance with my former one and a half partners, because they were not dominant and I needed a partner who was exactly the opposite of them.
And with Master the good years have started, including problems, which we solved, including a lot of structure which has proven to set me free and allow me to live rather carefree.
So, if I had never met Master, I guess life would have been rather sad for me. Maybe I would have chosen to focus on a job career, to avoid thinking about a life in ruins, or I would still be in and out of relationships with men who were not good for me. Maybe I would have found someone similar to my Master, because this kind of man has always been more interesting for me than others. Whenever I think about this, I am so happy that it has come differently for us and that I have my husband and Master, my Mr Right.

What makes a/our relationship work?

Of course, there is no complete answer to that. What works for us does probably not work for others and therefore this is not meant as a recommendation for anybody. These are only a few thoughts about why it works for us.


As for us, we spend a lot of time to make it work. Although in our relationship, Master could order me around all the time, I never have this feeling that he does it because he is too lazy or just takes advantage of me. On the contrary, he orders me around and I still have the feeling that he cares. But that does not mean that it is always this way, of course, there are situations, when he tells me to do things, just because he can, and since this is often connected to reminding me of my position, it is ok for me.
He spends a lot of time with me, and lets me know that I am appreciated by him. And whenever I get the chance, I do the same for him. I love to please him and it is difficult for me to keep my hands off him, which he knows all too well. We talk, we love each other and we show affection towards each other. We closely look at each other - with this I mean we try to find out, what might be going on emotionally in the other one.
During the week, we often have trouble spending as much time as we want to with each other. Master sometimes has to do business trips and then it could happen that we don’t see each other for a few days at all. When that happens, we try to find means to be together without being disturbed by anything or anybody at the weekend. Since I am at home most of the time, I have to make sure that during the week all chores are finished so that I don’t need to spend time on that on Saturday or Sunday. Due to Master being away for a while now and then, we talk even more about our to do’s for the upcoming week, and many of my duties at home are planned in advance for the whole week, just to make sure that all is fine and there is enough time that we can spend together at the weekend.


If we have plenty of time, which happens sometimes, when Master is there for a few weeks without much work to do, we enjoy jogging or swimming together. But there are also the nice treats that we try to have, such as surprise visits to nice places, short trips and so on.


So, on the one hand we do a lot to spend much time together, but on the other hand, there are also moments where we don’t want that, e.g. when we meet friends. We have friends we see together but also some who are either more his or mine. Therefore, although he likes to have control of me and I enjoy that too, there are also times when he lets me do things which are not meant to be shared with him, at least not until I want that. It is the same the other way round. I know that some probably might find it hard to believe that I have that freedom, if I consider myself a slave, but for me it is a privilege, not a right. I mean, after all, if Master wants to, I might be grounded or be under curfew for ever. But if our relationship worked only in such a strict and harsh way, I would probably give up and let everything happen without being emotionally involved anymore. I think that this kind of being together would be too chilling for me to cope with. This is no criticism at all, because others might need exactly what I could not stand and they would be unhappy in a relationship like ours.
To sum it up, if you have followed my rambling that far, we talk, we show love, we spend time with each other and although we want to spend as much time as possible together, we also want times with other people now and then. Talking about temperatures, I think our relationship is one full of warmth, even when Master is strict sometimes or punishes me, the reasons behind that are good ones.

Looking for Mr Right – is he a good or a bad guy?

Before you get me wrong here, I am not looking for Mr Right, I have already found him, hello Sir! This topic came up with a friend of mine and we were discussing, what her perfect partner would have to be like and what we are looking for in men. At first, I thought, that’s easy, because I know that I love Master out of many reasons, e.g. he loves me, he respects me, because being a slave is not like being nothing, he is honest with me, protects me whenever it is necessary, he is the one I can always talk to, at least when I have permission to do so. He is a lot of fun to be with, does unexpected things, he is true to his word, is compassionate, he is even tempered, physically and emotionally extremely attractive for me, so that I cannot resist at all and he knows which buttons to push in me, either physically or emotionally. He is a decision-maker and he prefers traditional rolemodels and cannot only be Master, but also be a real gentleman. This is the short version, I am sure it is not much different from the lists that others might have, and the order I wrote everything down in is more or less arbitrary.

But then she brought up the idea that we are usually looking for two kinds of men, the bad guy for fun/excitement and the protective one (daddy-type) for having a family, ideally you find the bad guy first, so that you could settle down peacefully with your own family after you got over the bad guy. I mean, her life is a bit like that and she is adventurous in relationships and still looking for Mr Right, but I don't believe that her thesis is true and what she is looking for in a man is not at all different from what I find attractive in men. But I seriously dislike this idea of being together with one man for the fun and later on with another for a family life, it sounds wrong for me, as if you betray someone.
Maybe it is just that you need to find this right combination of Mr Right and Mr Wrong, so that you can love him and feel comfortable with him for the rest of your life without being bored. But maybe it is just that some don't need the feeling of love, friendship and security that you have once you have decided for one and only one partner. Personally, the relationships before Master were all a complete mess and I know why. They were not what I was looking for, though at first I really had no clue what kind of man I actually was looking for. If you go away from this soft kind of women whisperer (not sure if that word exists at all) and step into the direction of someone who likes the more traditional way of life, also between men and women, then you go into my direction.


According to my friend, this bad guy, Mr Wrong, is more fun to be with, because he would be breaking rules and do things that are at least inacceptable, but exciting, because he does them. I could only disagree with that again, because I like (→ need need need) rules and structure in my life and I never had the feeling that Master would only be someone like the daddy type without also being the bad guy type. He is the best and most perfect mix for me, I know that for sure, but somehow I would have liked her to see that too, which was silly of me, because there is no need for me to convince anybody of anything (and actually she agrees that the two of us are a perfect match).


This proves to be quite difficult to put into words at all, but the short version is, that I felt offended, because for me it sounded as if she criticed Master and me. She did not, because I told her what I felt like, but the thought is still not gone. Maybe my idea about relationships is just too simple or too queer for others, or I am just too intolerant which is another thought that I don't like.

What nice topics have you talked to your partner about during the weekend?

relationship

how to help each other / comfort each other in emotional crisis'

why we like what we do and who we are

sweet memories

review of past weeks' events

obedience → it is a really important anchor for me; thumbs up

discipline s.a.

favourite food (real food, not chocolate this time)

restaurant

10 favourite ways of teasing him

10 favourite ways of torturing me

sex (I am still waiting…)

massages

babies (we are late, but working on it)

single friends

friends with babies (all married)

hair styles (his: short cut; mine: slightly curled at the moment, no curls again soon)

clothes/fashion

to do's for the next week (chores are ok or even nice, but sewing is fantastic!!! This time it is really easy, it is a Viking maid’s outfit for one of my little nieces)

shoes (no joke!)

sports (this time it was only about jogging through the fields, preferably at daytime)

blogs

The Voice

painting pictures

drawing pictures

this could be an endless list, though these above are the ones that were best