The nice and the horrid things

The horrid things

The last weeks have been somewhere between not good to most awful and terrible. My current silence here is most of all out of sadness, due to my granny being in an extremely bad condition after suffering three strokes, virtually within hours. The doctors are sort of surprised that she is still with us, ... maybe I should say they are impressed. This has been going on a bit over two weeks now, but now I feel able to write about it here.

This is a glum time, and I am so sad that there are moments when I simply don’t know what to do. However with each day that passes, this seems to be a sort of normal, at least for the moment. I don’t know whether I am getting used to the situation or whether it has simply worn me down. It is not that I feel less for granny in any way, definitely not. But there is nothing we can do. We are here, which is the place where granny was born. Tilda and I visit granny twice a day, usually Amy is with us. Granny knows Amy just as well and loves her like me, because for most years before hubby we were almost inseparable.

Accordingly, Amy suffers no less than I do, and I am so sorry that I have given her a hard time in addition to the sadness and pain she has to endure. None of it was intentionally, but she has made sure that I eat and drink when I simply could not. I really couldn’t do that the way I should with my baby growing, because seeing granny like this, after I had thought she’d recover, left me numb. I don’t know what would have happened without hubby, Tilda and Amy, but they were there and had love for me in a moment when I couldn’t feel anything at all, well, I felt like tearing, but that didn’t happen.

One of my dreams of good life was that granny would see our children grow up. I don’t know. This is so hard to say, but this dream won’t come true, however at the same time I scream at myself it will happen. She has been so happy to hold Tilda, just like she was all excited when I told her about baby. She might have thought that I had not seen her worries over the years, as she always tried to play that down a little bit, but I have, and I have a bad conscience from that. However she never gave up hope when things went terribly wrong, and I guess she would have deserved someone who’d be less trouble. I know she has been so relieved that things turned out so well for us. And she is someone who always finds a kind word, gives you a kiss and hug, takes you with her and listens, no matter what. She’s so adorable, she deserves so much better, but not this! Quick change of topic.

The nice things

So, obviously this is not an all-out positive post, I apologize for that, however, even when I am having a hard time appreciating all the good around me, I know it is there. It is just waiting for me to see all of it again.

On Tuesday things changed to the better side of things. While visiting granny, one of my uncles came in who I have not seen for about twenty years. He took us on a day trip which was awesome. I found out how wonderful he is, and he told me some stories about granny too. I loved that day because he is such a charming and warmhearted man, he made it so easy to talk, and somehow it was as if he had never really been away, because he knew all the details about our family, and his way of talking was just like I remembered. I am not going to let him go again for another twenty years.

 

He made a difference, and I found more of my appetite again, which is so important at the moment. Apart from sleepless nights and the troubles I had with eating, I think baby is having a good time; after all, Amy made sure I did eat and drink. It was the loving kind of blackmail a lá ‘no lunch no visit at grandma’s ’, and of course I want baby safe, so I tried and it worked. I am glad and grateful that she was there in these moments.

A small positive change was when granny looked so much better yesterday, more alive. Seeing her like that created hope in me. It is just to see her a little better that made the whole day a good one.

The title spoke about the nice things, so I wanted to end this with the nice things in our life, also because granny wants us to appreciate these. Tilda is walking, but when she wants to be fast she often goes back to all fours. Not long and she'll be running! She is talking a lot, though most things are not easy to understand yet. But we can discuss her toys and all sorts of things by now. In a way. :) Let's see, she looks like hubby, and she seems to have his stubbornness. But she talks a lot more than hubby does, even though he is not short of words either. :)

And somehow baby grows, and I am already in week 21! All in all, I am feeling good about my bump, there are no major problems, and if the circumstances were a little different, this would be a post about how awesome things are, I guess. Ok, that was weird, but if you read till here, you are used to that from my side. :) 

Imagine that, week 21! There was like no time to write much about baby, just like baby and I did not have much quiet time to appreciate how good things are around and inside my bump. So, this is about the nice things, just like Jan’s grandbaby news have been such a wonderful light in a gloomy time! 

 Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

Another mixed bag

Long time no see! ... And I am sorry for that. Over the last weeks so many things have been going on in the family and some of it left me too confused to do more than comment in other blogs. So, this is a report of some of what has been going on lately.

My Granny

The good news first. Granny is getting better, we think. Finally we could go and see her last week. And she is at home, too. :) We had to wear face masks, but who cares about that. She is getting better, though at the moment she looks weak and thin and older than before. :( But this will be better soon, I hope, and she had a good day and was happy, when we could see her, hug and just s e e her. You know, the best about being with granny was that she was so obviously happy to be with us and that she had a rather practical way of talking about chemo and all the things that are simply part of it. And then we could go over and talk about family, which is just like her. I cannot express this any better, because it is her way of coping and looking forward to better times. She does it like ‘enough about the illness, let’s talk about something important. How is Tilda doing?!’ If she had not mentioned Tilda (never fails to brighten me up :)   ), I would have bawled my eyes out immediately, because she is so open and heart-warming, she simply doesn’t want us to feel bad for her. Wow. Ha, but throughout the last week we have been there almost every day and Tilda could finally be there too. Not for long, we can only make short visits, but that’s ok for Granny. And better times are ahead, I think. Thank you for all the positive and healing energy and all the prayers for my granny. I love you for doing this for her and I know they help granny, thank you!!!! :)

Tilda

I am still waiting for Tilda’s first tooth. I thought it would be out, but no, she keeps us waiting, though it cannot be long I think. She has had some nights when she was rather restless and it was not the silly cold. We are done with that for now and could enjoy doing some long walks in a nearby natural reserve, could even have playdates, sort of. They were more like two little ones rolling on the floor dates, but it was quality time with a friend. 

Haha, Tilda has had her first spoons of solid food!  Well, we tried, but actually I had underestimated her quick hands. She grabbed the spoon most times and Tilda and I had more food on our clothes and around her face than ever reached her mouth. It is a major step for us, she is still breastfed and will be for months, but soon the natural contraception that I had because of full time nursing, will be over. :)

Yesterday and today (Saturday) we had our baby group and baby swimming too, it was just a lot of fun and we enjoyed it so much. Everything is back to normal, Tilda loves the water and she is still always surprised when she splashes around and some of the drops hit her face. First, surprised face, then smile. When I play along and am surprised by the drops, she can’t stop laughing, from deep within. Really funny. :)

Another go at coffee

Coffee time – so not. I tried again, last week’s Friday. The smell was awesome and I thought I could try. I used a little milk, which is unlike me, but well, ok. Yummy. My taste buds are definitely back in the game! My first sip, it was simply wonderful, really it was! I had expected the worst again, like last time, when the smell was great and the taste was awful. No, now it is better, for whatever reason.

So I had a little more. The result was devastating, though. I was under alarm as if I had had litres of coffee, not three or four little (!) sips. I had made sure to try the coffee right after nursing Tilda and thought I was on the safe side with that, because there were hours before she got milk again. Hmm, not sure. She had a rather restless evening, so maybe the caffeine had an effect on her, maybe it was something else. No idea. ... But eew! I was up most of the night, sleepless. So, I cannot be sure if it was the coffee. The worst was heartburn, just as bad as I remember from some days last year when Tilda pushed my stomach up. I connect all this with the coffee, because everything else I had was healthy and responsible from my side.

Tilda alone is another reason not to try coffee again until after weaning. So, adios coffee for another year. :) Actually I am not sad, because I tried and liked the taste, but my body simply cannot cope with coffee at the moment. I mean, the heartburn was awful, in addition to everything else. I can wait.

DD and fun

There have been two noteworthy spankings lately, one was for punishment, all too well deserved I want to add and I am glad that this was finally over because I have been really bratty then and hubby stopped me when I couldn’t stop myself. My bum hurt and afterwards, when we were good again, I felt it for the next three days and it made me smile every time that I noticed consciously. This spanking had brought a big lot of peace and harmony for sure.

A moment like this is so important for me, when the spanking is over, cornertime done, I snuggle into hubby’s arms and we are as close as can be, even without further activities, everything is just good and right. This is awesome, and apart from the love, I feel free from any kind of burden. I love it. 

The other spanking was different. It was not part of a scene, and it happened right after lunch (most of our spanking moments are in the evening), and somehow it has become another symbol of why spankings are just what I crave. Due to some family affairs that were not so awesome lately, I was all in all rather out of focus I think. We had a short trip planned to get me some new shoes. Usually this is like quality time, because hubby is good at telling me what I should wear (he decides anyway) and I enjoy shopping. Besides, I love shoes. :) 

So I should have been relaxed right from the start, because we had been baby swimming in the morning, too, another feel-good time that usually sort of guarantees that the day will be awesome. Nevertheless, this time it did not. I was tense right after lunch, no idea why. I could not give any reason for it, but had noticed that something was not the way it should be. Hubby had seen that too, took me to the bedroom, had me undress and put me across his knees. Simple as that. I got a spanking, not punishment, but a really wonderful one. This one was so much of the good kind that it left me speechless. I mean, I had other things to do then, e.g. enjoy the moment. He spanked, fondled, examined my wetness, spanked, inspected between my legs again, drove me crazy, spanked, lectured very nicely that I am in good hands (Yay! for his good hands!), I could relax, could let go, no worries, spanked, he’d protect me, spanked, drove me crazy again, examined, spanked, ‘Come for me now baby’ OOOOOOO <-big O!  :)

Wow, when we went shopping for new shoes afterwards I was the most relaxed obedient wife on earth, I could barely walk straight to the car and needed the whole ride in the car to come back to my senses but the silly grin never left my face this day I think. …  I found nice shoes too, perfect day. :)

 

Wishing you all a wonderful Sunday!

Family secret

Ok, it is family secret time, and after the horrible weekend I could smile today. That's not due to my granny, because she still does not want to tell all I'd like to know, but that's fine, because I know she enjoys that we are there for her. And I take it as a good sign that she cuts me short when I insist on learning more about her well-being. 

On to the secret ...

One of my grandmas was a heavy smoker, like in really heavy, a chainsmoker. She stopped smoking only after her husband (my grandpa) had retired, so without knowing for sure, I think it was maybe the money that let her reconsider. It could not have been her health, she did not give a damn about that new-fangled sort of thinking. … She got lung cancer at the age of 74 and the doctors took out half of her lung and she was sort of healed. She lived happily for another 15 years afterwards and died of old age, and I still believe that in a way she only died because she wanted to. Her last night was like that, she only needed someone to tell her that it was ok to go, she fell asleep and never woke up again.

She had survived the last four years without her beloved husband and although heartbreak is not too medical a diagnosis, I always thought that she would have lived much longer if grandpa had been there as well. They were deeply in love till the end. (Not a downpost, give it a chance :D )

And only now, because my third granny is so ill, do I look closer at some things of the past again. Never ever before have I wondered about something that was in my grandparents’ bedroom, in their wardrobe, right behind the door. Mind, I am about eleven years in the ttwd business by now, but only now, 3^rd February 2015, do I have a few new ideas about this part of the family.

My grandparents had a riding crop in their wardrobe. I knew that and we even went riding a few times, but they never brought this crop along. When anybody asked, their explanation was always that it belonged to my cousin from the south. She was a fervent rider then, but she visited my grandparents only about once a year, and they did not even go riding with her every time she visited. …And the two times I remember that they went riding, they did n o t take this crop along either! 

I cannot really say much about the hair brushes and belts that they had in the bedroom, because this could be pure coincidence. :D And I thought that grandpa’s strop which he used to sharpen his razor with was just a tool for shaving. 

So, finally it sunk in and now I think that they must have been more positively kinky than I’d ever imagined. I admit that my idea is fuelled by their sweet and endless love for each other (imagine Romeo and Juliet in very old) up to the bitter end.

You know what, it took me all my life to see something which should have been rather obvious. Seriously, thinking back, I’d say the signs have been there all the time. And right now I feel like the slowest thinker on planet earth, but with a smile. 

Clothes basket, repairs, peeing babies, a reminder and a happy end

What a strange day. After my Christmas pleasure spanking I am suddenly right back in the non-fun spanking experience; and so much faster than I had imagined. Hubby almost fell in the corridor this morning because I had forgotten about a clothes basket in the way (recurring topic here). He was not amused at all and I would give myself a spanking because I tried more to talk my way out of it than anything else. The plain truth was that I simply forgot this darn thing there. 

Later this morning, Tilda and I had a short stop in a nearby car service station. I did not know anybody there and only wanted them to exchange a light bulb in one of the front headlamps. They were not exactly unfriendly, but I know that I would be spanked for rolling my eyes this way. So, those guys felt pretty superior because they knew how to do that and I was the little dumb girl who didn’t. There are  moments when I can shrug such things off, but today this annoyed me. Too bad, I had no clever reply at hand, because they did not actually say a word and I wanted this light to be done quickly (and then, in the car, when you drive on, all the intelligent reactions come ... too late!). 

Nevertheless, it makes me angry. Not much, just a little, so that I think about reviving my list of prejudices from last year again. Don’t know yet. But I was so glad that my baby did not want milk right in that moment, because that would surely have caused more eye-rolling. Hmmm, coming to think of it, it would have been fun to provoke them a little. Missed a chance. Up to that moment the day was not the best, but we had a real fun time right ahead!

Afterwards we quickly went to our first real baby class, which is called PEKiP here, and is meant to be similar to ‘Baby and me’ activities. My mother-in-law says that she knows the term as an English one too, so, maybe this sounds familiar. It has been awesome and I got new ideas of what Tilda and I could do together at home. I mean, I do spend a lot of time actively with Tilda, but often enough she is just around, we talk and I do household, then. So, activities and attention for 90 minutes are a real lot of quality time. And if you like naked babies peeing on the soft yoga mats, this is the right place to be!

So, this turned our day to the best. ... And back home I almost fell over this darn clothes basket, because either I or hubby had moved it to another spot. You can guess who. Now, Friday late evening, we are all safe again, because I put the basket where it belongs. And hubby has returned home from work. Dinner was ready, I told him about our day before he could tell anything; intentionally … to distract him a little from the clothes basket affair. But since doing that is an offence in itself, I also told him that I intended to make him more lenient tonight, as I am not too eager to be punished. :) It is not manipulating if you state that you manipulate, is it!

For hubby this was funny, and he has been in a good mood, too. Still, he promised that I would not get away with this stupid clothes basket affair. But he really can be pettish just because I sent him almost flying, don’t you agree?! (ok, I really am sorry and was not trying to avoid this, just was a little afraid of it).  In  a way, the clothes basket was just the opportunity to get started again. Seems we are back in business. 

So, I went over his lap and it was not fun. Hubby mentioned that we would have a slow start with discipline, and he paid close attention to see how I would cope. It wasn't harsh or too much, rather like more severe maintenance with a few too stingy swats, and my tears came only when he said I should imagine what could happen if I tripped over something ... while carrying our baby. This hurt more than anything else.

 As I have learned tonight, the more lenient times are definitely coming to an end.We only had a short time to talk afterwards, but this alone gave me the feeling that we have come closer again, which makes me so much happier. There was no time to tell hubby yet, but I am actually very glad that I am held accountable again in this way.