The horrid things
The last
weeks have been somewhere between not good to most awful and terrible. My
current silence here is most of all out of sadness, due to my granny being in
an extremely bad condition after suffering three strokes, virtually within
hours. The doctors are sort of surprised that she is still with us, ... maybe I
should say they are impressed. This has been going on a bit over two
weeks now, but now I feel able to write about it here.
This is a glum time, and I am so sad that there are moments when I simply don’t know
what to do. However with each day that passes, this seems to be a sort of
normal, at least for the moment. I don’t know whether I am getting used to the
situation or whether it has simply worn me down. It is not that I feel less for granny in any way, definitely not. But there is nothing we can do. We
are here, which is the place where granny was born. Tilda and I visit granny twice a day, usually Amy is with us. Granny
knows Amy just as well and loves her like me, because for most years before
hubby we were almost inseparable.
Accordingly,
Amy suffers no less than I do, and I am so sorry that I have given her a hard
time in addition to the sadness and pain she has to endure. None of it was
intentionally, but she has made sure that I eat and drink when I simply could not. I
really couldn’t do that the way I should with my baby growing, because seeing
granny like this, after I had thought she’d recover, left me numb. I don’t know
what would have happened without hubby, Tilda and Amy, but they were there and
had love for me in a moment when I couldn’t feel anything at all, well, I felt
like tearing, but that didn’t happen.
One of my
dreams of good life was that granny would see our children grow up. I don’t
know. This is so hard to say, but this dream won’t come
true, however at the same time I scream at myself it will happen. She has been so
happy to hold Tilda, just like she was all excited when I told her about baby.
She might have thought that I had not seen her worries over the years, as she
always tried to play that down a little bit, but I have, and I have a bad
conscience from that. However she never gave up hope when things went terribly
wrong, and I guess she would have deserved someone who’d be less trouble. I
know she has been so relieved that things turned out so well for us. And she is
someone who always finds a kind word, gives you a kiss and hug, takes you with
her and listens, no matter what. She’s so adorable, she deserves so much
better, but not this! Quick change of topic.
The nice things
So, obviously
this is not an all-out positive post, I apologize for that, however, even when
I am having a hard time appreciating all the good around me, I know it is
there. It is just waiting for me to see all of it again.
On Tuesday
things changed to the better side of things. While visiting granny, one of my
uncles came in who I have not seen for about twenty years. He took us on a day
trip which was awesome. I found out how wonderful he is, and he told me some
stories about granny too. I loved that day because he is such a charming and
warmhearted man, he made it so easy to talk, and somehow it was as if he had
never really been away, because he knew all the details about our family, and
his way of talking was just like I remembered. I am not going to let him go
again for another twenty years.
He made a
difference, and I found more of my appetite again, which is so important at the
moment. Apart from sleepless nights and the troubles I had with eating, I think
baby is having a good time; after all, Amy made sure I did eat and drink. It
was the loving kind of blackmail a lá ‘no lunch no visit at grandma’s ’, and of course I want baby safe, so I tried and it worked. I am
glad and grateful that she was there in these moments.
A small
positive change was when granny looked so much better yesterday, more alive. Seeing
her like that created hope in me. It is just to see her a little better that
made the whole day a good one.
The title
spoke about the nice things, so I wanted to end this with the nice things in
our life, also because granny wants us to appreciate these. Tilda is walking, but when she wants to be fast she often goes back to all fours. Not long and she'll be running! She is talking a lot, though most things are not easy to understand yet. But we can discuss her toys and all sorts of things by now. In a way. :) Let's see, she looks like hubby, and she seems to have his stubbornness. But she talks a lot more than hubby does, even though he is not short of words either. :)
And somehow baby grows, and I
am already in week 21! All in all, I am feeling good about my bump, there are
no major problems, and if the circumstances were a little different, this would
be a post about how awesome things are, I guess. Ok, that was weird, but if you read
till here, you are used to that from my side. :)
Imagine
that, week 21! There was like no time to write much about baby, just like baby
and I did not have much quiet time to appreciate how good things are around and
inside my bump. So, this is about the nice
things, just like Jan’s grandbaby news have been such a wonderful light in a
gloomy time!
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!
