Some months are like that

We are back in our daily routine, which is something I am very happy about. I don’t know why, but at the moment I am really bad at dealing with much more than that. Maybe it is the time of the year, no idea, but I feel that it is currently pretty easy to unbalance me. I can go from happy to sad in no time lately. I got so overwhelmed from watching my daughter sleep at night that I started crying out of happiness and afterwards sat down and wrote what I want to protect her from and what sort of happy things I'd wish her to experience. They are pretty impressive lists, so I should cherish this sort of emotional overload for the creativity it includes. :)

Well, and I also learned just how easy it is to upset me when I read something on Facebook. It was prejudiced, an expression of pure intolerance, and it really hurt. At other times I would have been able to shrug it off, but at the moment it seems all comes close and hits me.

The moments of intimacy and reconnection we have are wonderful and right now I feel hubby’s love so much stronger, just like I miss him so much more when he is gone. I need him a lot at the moment and I absorb all he is willing to give. Sounds strange, I know, but actually I am glad that I see what’s going on at all. In past times we have had it worse, when I did not notice these things. Maybe things have changed to the better because whatever I do, I am on Tilda’s schedule in the first place. I love this, as it automatically structures a lot of our time, which is good for me.

Then there was last Monday. My lovely mommy car broke down … ha, but the good news is it wasn’t me. Tilda and I were somewhere not far away from nowhere and this was one of the moments when I appreciated our mobile phone rule so much more. Hubby gets mad when I leave the house without it and I am so glad that he insisted on always taking it with me. At first I was really down, because it was something car-related again and it had happened to me – again. So I called hubby in his office and was relieved that he only wanted to hear that we were ok (‘Forget the car for a moment, what about  y o u!?’). It did take a while but then we were brought home safely. And it turned out that there was something wrong with the motor, so it was nothing I had dabbled with.

 

After the trouble around me messing up hubby’s business was over I think we had a really close connection. Apart from ongoing sleeping troubles there was nothing that could somehow disturb peace and harmony. And still, somehow I found myself in a strange place at times, focusing on nothing in some moments, daydreaming or being absent-minded, then overthinking, overanalyzing. Whatever it is, for me it was something that leads to distancing, and it can grow if you let it.

Hubby did not notice that I had been somehow a little away, and I guess it was pretty ghost-like, which makes it really difficult for me to even describe it. Well, and usually I notice these things too late. 

This time it went a little different though. At the beginning of this week I had asked hubby for a spanking that would be well below punishment, more like maintenance or stress relief. I thought this could help me with the sleeping issues, because if anything, I am relaxed and at peace after these. So, it happened, and we had a wonderful time and sleeping was no problem at all that night. It took me another two days to see just how much hubby spanking me had helped. It was after hubby told me that I was so much more myself again that I realized that he was right and that all this what could lead to distancing, was gone again. It was not why I got spanked, but it had definitely helped me.

So, as the weather is getting better, we are finally spending a lot of time outside again which is wonderful. We got two new plum trees which I dug in a few weeks ago and I loved every moment of doing that. The lawnmower is my favourite machine in the garden… and I am allowed to use it again, too! Doing these things in the garden is so much fun, and at the moment it is all I want because I know I can handle that. Sorry for the melancholic sound in the first part, but all in all I can say we are in a very good place!

I hope you are all having the most awesome weekend ever!

intimacy

In more than one of my posts I have written that women don't separate sexual intercourse from being emotionally connected, which is a major part of intimacy, but not all of it. Since you can be emotionally connected to many people, even if you do not have this intimate relationship, there are obviously differences. In a relationship of two lovers, the emotional bond is far stronger, deeper going. It reaches beyond what can be described in words, at least I can't put it into words. Maybe this is where your soul is touched and you are seen for who you are by your partner. As I said, I can't find the right words to describe this deep level of understanding and connection any better.
Being intimate is something that shows you how well you know your partner. You know or learn about what is important in his life, what he wants from life and what his needs are. When you have this deep connection, it is easy to see when somebody is hurt or happy. Sometimes it is easy, because emotions are not hidden then, you are all open and your partner is showing what he feels, too. You can virtually read the true partner you are with, see his emotional states clearly where others cannot. We are vulnerable towards our partners and that feels wonderful with them. Integral part of this is communication again, spending time together, so that you can learn what's going on in your partner. Spending time and sharing  what might bother you, what you like or dislike, and of course, as a good way of expressing intimacy, be together sexually, making love, or just hugging, caressing, kissing and all the nice things that you would only do with your lover, not with anybody else. I think if you have that in your relationship, it is easy to feel your partner's love and your partner should easily feel loved then, too. If some aspects of what I consider intimacy were missing, I don't know if I would feel loved by my Master as much as I do. Maybe I would only know that something is not there but could not identify it, unless it were too obvious.
Maybe I should just keep my next thoughts to myself, but actually I can't. I think that many men have ideas about intimacy which are completely different from mine. My experience concerning that is limited, because I have not had many partners before Master saved me and the additional knowledge that I have is based on the biased information I get from my female friends. Apart from Master there is no man on earth I would question in detail about his opinion on intimacy.
This is not meant to be a man-bashing blog, far from it, and I apologize sincerely if anybody is offended by my text(s). And I may be completely wrong with my idea, but I believe that for many men, intimacy is something they keep on a physical level and do not go beyond that. Whereas women see the physical acts connected to intimacy only as a means to deepen their emotional connection with their partner.

Aftercare - do it, please, please, please

Sometimes, if you read in DD or D/s blogs the emphasis is put on how to follow rules and what subs get as a punishment. I expressly admit that I am no better here at all. But what is missing in many descriptions is no less important than being lectured, the rituals that you follow before and during a punishment. I am talking about aftercare. Doing it or leaving it out makes a major difference to the one who is punished. I am not sure to what degree other partners might do it during scenes, but since scenes can be overwhelming too, we do aftercare after scenes as well. Usually Master is the one who does aftercare to me, but if I am still able to, I at least try to do the same for him.
After punishment, usually I need being reaffirmed that all is well again. A punishment is something that brings me down completely out of two reasons: first, the physical aspect is exhausting and the strokes are only part of the strain that I suffer from. I feel tense before and even more so during the punishment, then there is the pain, obviously, and until I start crying, the strain increases rapidly. With the crying I get my relief, this is when all is washed away what had been wrong.and that's when I feel physically like plunging down. This kind of letting go all trouble is something demanding a lot from the body, which is probably one of the reasons why it works well with us. I feel that I made compensation for my actions in a physical form.

This leads to the second aspect of the punishment, which is the emotional side of it. The physical strain that can be felt is to a major part based on the emotional state I am in when it becomes clear that a punishment is due. There is the knowledge that it will happen, it will be painful, which does not make it easier. Then I have to cope with the knowledge that I let Master down again, there is self-reproach. To a degree it creates a bad conscience in me; how much also depends on what has happened, whether it was something that disappointed Master or whether it was just a relatively minor slip which you could expect to happen now and then, especially with me. Then I am not always emotionally as resilient as I wish I was. Mind, I would never receive a punishment if Master knew that I could not cope with it emotionally. Still, there are differences from one day to the next. The physical side of that is easier to bear, because if you get ten with the cane it hurts more or less, depending on how you feel, but that is always something you can cope with when it is just about the pain. But the emotional state makes the difference, whether this pain was bearable or not, whether it was too much and you cannot cope well enough in your head with something your body can easily take. That's where you can see different reactions from my side. If I was well-balanced, I could accept the punishment easily and be more grateful and focus on Master a short time afterwards. If I was not as balanced as we had thought, I would cry harder, most times my relief would be greater too, but of course, my frustration would have been bigger before and during the punishment.

All this and far more has to be dealt with, and that's where aftercare has to start. I need to know that all is good again, often I don't want to talk immediately afterwards, but I don't want to be alone either. Then I would feel lonely. Hugging is good, but only after Master has applied arnica cream or lotion. That's part of the ritual, it helps to get back to normal, because it has something like everyday-routine to it (I am not punished every day). After my emotional coctail has subsided, I usually recover quickly, that's when I like to talk to Master again. I am not angry with him, because my own action led to a punishment. I have been angry with myself up to the point of punishment, afterwards that is gone too, all is over and forgotten about what I did, but I need to hear that too, even more so, if the strain was stronger than at other times. Talking to Master after punishment is usually a lovely mix of intimacy, when we talk about ourselves and light-hearted talk about all that might come to mind, once the more important talk has been done. If I get that, this feeling that he is there for me, that he cares and listens and I can do the same for him, I feel connected to him and it feels all right and harmonious. This is the basic version of why aftercare is so important for me and I am convinced that most subs, if not all, could agree to that.

Besides, so far I have not even covered why it should also be important for the well-being of the dominant partner, or after a scene, which is not punishment, but the activities there can be unsettling as well and even if all goes well, there could be secondary effects that nobody had reckoned with.

How do we share emotionally?

before anybody starts getting angry, I don't believe that women love more than men, but I believe often men and women love differently. This is my attempt to organise my own ideas about that topic and I don't want to criticise anybody with it and I apologize if I appear to do so.
Let's start with sex again to serve as an example. Done with the right partner it is all heaven and bliss, but I could not even imagine doing any kind of sexual activities if I was not emotionally involved with a partner, it would spoil the fun in it on the one hand and I would have nothing but a feeling of emptiness in me. I do not even believe that it is possible to have sex and not be emotionally involved. If so, it would be a saddening experience. I know that there are many women who don't have this narrow-minded point of view, and I think this is something that they share with many men who are serial womanisers and enjoy sex with people they do not even know. But this is not my cup of tea.
Sex is not the same as love, instead I automatically connect sex to intimacy, showing hubby/Master myself most vulnerable and being in harmony with him, because we see each other's needs in that moment. But perceiving your partner's needs does not even have to be a physical activity at all. We connect sex to it, because sex helps a lot in creating this moment where you either show yourself emotionally completely unprotected or you perceive your partner in this most vulnerable state. And sometimes sex is the right means instead of finding the right words to tell your partner what you feel, or instead of speaking in the wrong moment where you'd only lose this connection and destroy the moment.
Nevertheless, on an emotional level, we do not necessarily need sex to exchange intimacies with each other (although I love that part a lot a lot a lot), it also happens if you hug, laugh, cry, look at your partner's needs, talk and listen (!!!!) to each other and more. As a result you might have this feeling that your partner is there for you. If you don't feel that you can talk to your partner on a deeper level, so that you get the impression he does not give you attention when it is needed, then this connection might suffer too. Instead, if you have this moment of being truly together, even if it is only short, it might strengthen the relationship a lot.
The other important point is that your partner is there and able to perceive underlying messages in what you communicate with him. What if he only takes everything at face value? For me this would cause a lot of problems, because what I say does not cover all I feel. Sometimes I am not even able to verbalise emotions, because I have not realised what I feel somewhere in the back, in a deeper layer. That's where you need your partner to be able to read you, to read between the lines of verbal communication.  If your partner is able to do so, this strengthens your bond and if you can do the same for your partner, perfect.